You guys are so awesome.
Great words. Great Advice. Great support.
The NST nearly put me over the edge today. I just don't see how monitoring this baby for one hour a day, with me in a really uncomfortable position, stressed out about "meeting the criteria" is REALLY helpful. I don't see how it can tell them whether or not my baby is healthy or in "trouble". I don't see how it's helpful at all. I kind of think that she's either ok, or she's not and how is ONE HOUR out of TWENTY FOUR going to prevent anything from happening to her. Although it's preventing ME from being at peace. They check her with the doppler every four hours. TELL ME how that is going to prevent a stillbirth? TELL ME how that is going to keep her inside me for another couple of weeks? (she still offers no threats of impending labor) TELL me how that tells ANYBODY ANYTHING except that her heart is beating at that very moment???
I get 24/7 feedback from this baby. She squiggles, she moves, she rolls ALL the way over from one side to the other. She's head down and stays that way. She gets hiccups. She's obviously peeing and practicing breathing. I see it, I feel it and I SMELL her every single time I change my pad. (20 times a day) The water flows and flows from me, and I drink and drink and drink...The amniotic fluid SMELLS like my baby, sweet and new... just like babies smell. I can't hold her yet, but there she is. That, to me, is better than an NST every 24 hrs. BETTER than hearing a heartbeat every 4 hours... am I insane?
I can't say I want to go HOME yet, as I don't have the support there that I really need at 33.5 weeks... but I don't want to submit to the machines anymore. They are not helping.
I just wonder what "they" are going to say to me tomorrow when I refuse anymore NST's... "I'll lay here in this bed for 2 more weeks, but I will do NOTHING more."
That thought actually made me laugh a little. Does a hospital kick you out if you quit playing nice?
NST's and ultrasounds don't guarantee me a happy ending. NOTHING does. I understand this completely. I'm kind of tired of them LOOKING for something "wrong" when in fact... nothing really feels "wrong" here. What was wrong, was righted by my water breaking at all... It put me where I needed to be... resting and contemplating and making peace with my body. I'd like to spend the rest of my unknown time I'm going to be pregnant at peace... not constantly worried about what numbers I'm gonna get today, or what "they" are going to find "wrong".
Again, thanks to you all. I'm grateful to have you all cheering me on. I know I'll manage thru this... I always do... the name phoenix didn't just happen.
Yes, I like the henna... it's lovely. I hope it darkens up now that it's dried and peeled off. Nothing like a lotus to give me more things to contemplate.