I've never known such strength, and I consider the hospital you're in lucky to have you there
The thing about a teaching hospital, (and previously planning a homebirth with CPM's) is that I see A LOT of different docs... Probably three different ones each day... some I've seen only once, some a few times... a couple of them I am CURSED with. I have to "explain" myself almost each and every time. I do a LOT of explaining things from my point of view...
"WHY are you refusing XYZ?"
"WHY won't you be induced at 34 weeks?"
"WHY won't you agree to an NST, they are NOTHING really."
"WHY won't you take this drug, that therapy, this advice?"
I get a LOT of "well, our research has shown" 's... a LOT of those. :
and "You REALIZE that (fill in EVERY worst case scenario here) can happen?"
I won't say it's EASY... but so far, it's been worth it?
I'd like to say that happy ending or no happy ending, it will have been worth it, but I don't know what it will be like once all of this is said and done. I know it's hard... I also know what feels "right". Now just because it feels "right" though, doesn't mean I'm guaranteed a "happy ending". All I am guaranteed is that I am retaining my own power. I've made my own choices, and so far, they have kept me sane. No one here can guarantee me anything, so all I can do is do it MY way, the best way I can.
I've been told things like: "well, we don't agree, but we aren't going to take you to court."
"you are quite the troublemaker."
"well, women did it that way for a long time before we started doing it this way. it wouldn't surprise me to see it return to that eventually."
The most recent perinatologist that I saw is one I saw 10 years ago for a few of my 2nd trimester losses, and he did my D&C's... He talked to me for a while today and then asked me some questions and then felt my belly and said to me, "well, you seem fine to me!" and left.
One of my "curses" docs, a young one, has tried to get me to do EVERYTHING:
internal exams at the drop of a hat, daily NST's, HEAVY medications instead of tylenol for a simple headache, induction induction INDUCTION!!!(every day since i hit 34 weeks) she refused me a heating pad for my backache, I can't even remember what all it has been with her, and MOST recently... as of 30 minutes ago and a LONG conversation with her about "WHY won't you be induced?" and "well, will you READ our research?" (like I haven't read a TON of research) She asked my WHY oh WHY won't you be induced? I proceeded to tell her that if everything is going well, and my baby doesn't want to be born at 34 weeks, who am I to FORCE her out with a drug like pitocin? She's obviously not ready. She's also not in danger, I don't believe. WHY would I want to do that to me, to her, to OUR birth? I told her of my fears of pitocin, my fears of that leading to epidural, and THAT leading to an un-neccessarian... You know what she says to me?
"well, we could use OTHER drugs besides pitocin.... we could use CYTOTEC."
I told her that cytotec was the LAST thing I was going to be putting into my body at this stage in the game. I actually laughed when she said "cytotec".
Now mind you, she has NEVER at any point been a b!3*h to me, or rude, but she has most certainly been... persistant.
She wanted to know why I am staying in the hospital then, if I refuse any and all medical treatment... I told her:
"I live an hour away from the hospital in a VERY rural area (no neighbors for a couple of miles). I spend 10-12 hrs. a day HOME ALONE. IF something were to happen, I do not feel comfortable at this stage (and especially not from 31 weeks) to be in that situation and have a fast or problematic birth. I wanted to be close enough to a NICU that I KNEW my baby would get the best care possible, if she chose to come early and needed the help. And that at 36 weeks, the fear of potentially delivering fast and/or alone doesn't nearly frighten me as much, because then the chance of my baby having "trouble" (respiratory distress) drops to 2%.
I think it surprised her that I WAS in fact, here for LOGICAL SAFETY REASONS. She doesn't realize that my refusal of most things medical are ALSO for reasons of SAFETY... Because to her, INTERVENTION=SAFEST. To me, it's just not that simple.
No, most people would have caved to SOMETHING at this point... am i a fool? time will tell... i am NOT a research paper tho, this i know... I'm not a statistic, I am not another number.
I'm all for "modern medicine" and I find it absolutely fascinating the things we can do and the people we can save... when it is NECESSARY. I am NOT for "modern medicine" JUST BECAUSE WE HAVE IT. I am not for Medicine in the name of $$$$$$$$$$$$ NO treatment is too expensive if you need it, and NO treatment can be GIVEN to me just because it's free or "protocol". EVERY case should be looked at as it's own... most women go into labor when they have pPROM within 4 days... 96% of them. I'm not one of them. MOST women will "let them" induce them when they reach 34 weeks... I'm not MOST women. How many, I mean REALLY how many women do they "research" that are going a more natural route? My guess is NONE OF THEM. My guess is that of the women that DO have really bad outcomes (maternal or fetal death after pPROM that do not get induced at 34 weeks) have some other factors involved... I DON'T KNOW. I might be one of those women someday... I DON'T KNOW.
I do know that they see the medical side of it ALWAYS... they have probably NEVER seen the natural approach in their studies and research... and I do mean NEVER... they don't hear about the women who stay home and deliver at term JUST FINE. (even at 32/33/34/35/36 weeks) They don't SEE women refuse tests. They don't SEE women refuse "doctors recommendations". They see WORST CASE SCENARIOS from frightened women who eventually cave.
I refuse to look that hard to find "WHAT'S WRONG?"... I'd rather, instead, focus on "WHAT'S RIGHT?"
I am not here to "change their opinion" of natural pregnancy and birth. I don't think that "ONE LUCKY CASE" is going to make them see anything differently. I am, however, pretty sure, that if it turns out "bad" that it will go down as one of their statistics to support their interventions. Which is a shame. They do and always will rely on "research" and "statistics" to base their decisions on... I think it will be a cold day in hell before they integrate the magick of nature with the useful technology they have access to. I'm not here to promote anything or sway anyone. I'm here for my baby's safety. IF and I do say IF I make it to 36 weeks. I'm going home...
UNLESS there is some feeling or reason I feel I should not.
Ok, that was a little wordy, but yeah... that's what I think... and no it's not easy.