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I think I've sprung a leak. - Page 20

post #381 of 393
on the loss of the placenta I know it pales in comparison, but could you plant her umbilical cord stump when it falls off? At least it would be something.
post #382 of 393
Just read the birth story! Congratulations! You rock! What an awesome job you did standing up for what you wanted. I'm so glad everything turned out so great for you! Ember (love the name) is soo gorgeous!

post #383 of 393
I'm sorry to hear the placenta got tossed away when you wanted to keep it :-/.

But, here's a way of looking at it... your first two girls had these beautiful homebirths. The placenta was totally THERE for them. It worked just how it's supposed to. Some people (such as those who do lotus birth) view the placenta as a semi-sibling that accompanies your baby throughout their gestation, and is let go only when baby is ready.

Maybe Ember was ready to be *done* with that placenta. ;-) The abruption, the leaking waters (which isn't the placenta, but was part of her uterine environment), the hemorrhage... it wasn't taking care of her (or you) in the same way that her sisters experienced. For *her*, it may be more appropriate to leave that part behind. It's not what you envisioned or wanted for her, but maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be.

What *did* care for her and nurture her during those last few weeks? The heating pad that was smuggled in? A pillow that supported you? The brushes that painted that gorgeous henna on your belly? Is there something symbolic of the care and support that she and you needed *and got* during the end of her gestation that might become part of her tree? Maybe the people who were most instrumental in keeping you sane and relaxed during your long hospital days could each donate a small lock of hair to the planting?
post #384 of 393
Thread Starter 
The birth story is finally up.... although I don't know where the birth story really ends, once your life together begins.
post #385 of 393
Thread Starter 

Xposted in birth stories

She's SIX WEEKS OLD!!!! Can you believe it?

It has not been a problem free six weeks. She has gained very little, and long story short: pumping, bottles, supply issues, non transferring of milk, more pumping, domperidone, lots of crying (me)
Hope, fear, anger... ALL the same stuff as I felt in the hospital.
I can't say that I've enjoyed the babymoon at all, it's been one struggle after the next. I am thankful that she spent no time in NICU, and we all came home together, but I will take a moment to lament our nursing relationship, which is still not established like I would prefer.
I can tell that between the traumatic hospital stay (all relative, I suppose) and the post-partum period (complete with wretched depression) and nursing problems, I am afraid it has wrecked havoc on our bonding. So much frustration and tears (me).
She's absolutely adorable, that little Ember Lotus... and I just wish that things would "normalize" and we can get to the "good stuff" of loving each other and wallowing in all those yummy baby loves. I know it's there somewhere (i hope?) but so far, I've done WAY more crying than I have laughing and cooing over her.
Everyone tells me that it will work out fine. I'm sure it will work out... just perhaps not "fine" as defined by me. Nothing this past year has: the pregnancy was awful, the water breaking and hospital stay for a month atrocious, the birth (except the actual catching her ourselves part) was traumatic... and now the nursing/post partum is a living hell. I honestly don't know what I will do when the freezer stash of EBM runs out. Formula, to me, is like a knife through my heart.
I have hardly left the house in this 6 weeks ('cept for the week I thought I was exclusively nursing her successfully) and all I do is pump, nurse, feed, wash bottles and pumping supplies and change diapers.
All the things I wanted for this pregnancy/birth/baby... just turned out crap. I am hoping to salvage SOMETHING of the mother/child relationship... I just wonder what and when and how. After all we've been through, you would want to see a happy ending to this... I know I would. Hugs are nice, but real advice would be better.
I hate the hospital... I am so angry with so many things about this... I just think that even though I thought I was doing everything as right as I could, I now feel like there are so many things I did wrong and I am full of anger and saddness over it.
You mamas have been so great. I wish I had you all here with me now.
post #386 of 393
Do you have an SNS to use when you're feeding with EBM? So you still get the nipple stimulation?

I think there's a Yahoo group called milkshare, that's for connecting with local nursing moms who can donate breastmilk. Maybe you can get supplemental milk from there until you get on track with your supply. I totally understand how you feel about formula... I do too! :-/ You're doing everything right to avoid it though. If it becomes inevitable, you'll find a way to accept it, I know you will... you've gotten through so much already!

Are you getting help from a lactation consultant? LLL? Getting the rest you need? Eating lots of good fats? I'm sure you are... just double-checking. ;-)
post #387 of 393
I'm sorry. It sounds like the PPD/PTSD that a lot of preemie/traumatic birth/NICU parents go through. I had those same nursing issues with both of my girls. My first only had issues for about 2 weeks. My second was 3 months of sleepless pumping and nursing. I was so tired I couldn't even think about babymooning and bonding.

I ended up getting counseling for all the issues surrounding her birth and NICU stay and my resulting depression. That helped a lot.

As nursing finally became successful (often happens for preemies on or after their due dates) bonding became easier. Then watching her develop so wonderfully after her rough start helped as well. She's 3 now and I don't think you ever completely get over the experience of a traumatic birth (every birthday that rolls around reminds you) but the hurt gets less, and you learn to enjoy the child you have despite the experience that brought her here.
post #388 of 393
Oh Julie! I hear all of that frustration and sadness and it takes me right back to my first few weeks with ds. He was early, too and we had some nursing issues that would have stopped a lot of people. For us, I was able to stop pumping and keep nursing exclusively the week he was "due". His jaundice cleared up suddenly that week or the next and he started waking up enough to actually feed without stripping him down and rubbing him with icy washcloths that week. It was like a whole new baby. But the bonding damage had been done. And it took me months to get myself back in the game fully, mentally & emotionally.

Honestly, I have no really concrete advice for you. For me, in part it was my honesty with a few trusted people that helped keep me sane as we tried to bond. And a complete release of all things remotely close to my expectations. But mostly it was time and keeping ds close (I credit the decision to follow AP philosophies with keeping our relationship from disintegrating completely. If we hadn't been slinging and cosleeping and if nursing hadn't survived, I think we would have had an even longer uphill battle towards healing). Within a few months, around 3 or 4, ds finally felt like my child. And not long after I began to feel in love with him (vs cerebral knowledge of love). And now, two years later, there's no evidence of that rough first half year.

Hang in there. Find someone who can help you remain in the game. Know that with some trust this too will heal and you will have that mother/baby relationship. It will just take a little longer to get there.
post #389 of 393
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time of it. You baby was born at 34 weeks right....so she is JUST now getting to the point where she *should* have been born. Many moms of preterm babies find that breastfeeding gets much easier and the baby starts transferring milk well around the time that she reaches her EDD.

Here is a book on breastfeeding premature babies which you might find helpful.


Here is a DVD which shows amazing coverage of how all types of babies (full-term healthy, premature babies or preterm babies with breastfeeding problems, babies that had been previously bottle-fed) latching on well


HTH...hang in there..things WILL get better!
post #390 of 393
Oh, Julie, I wish I lived closer! I've actually had dreams of wetnursing Ember, which I took as a warning that I was spending WAY too much time online. I admire you so much for being able to stick it out with the pumping. I've had to give up my much less important plans of pumping to donate because I just can't seem to let down for a machine or make the connection with the hypothetical premie or sick baby I would be helping if I could.

I second Ironica's advice about Milkshare and the SNS.

What helps me most with the disappointments I've had (and I have had more than a few, although they pale in comparison to what you've been going through) is to remember the headspace I was in while TTCing and doubting if I would ever have the slightest flicker of hope that my little miracle would come to exist.

I'm not sure if that even applies to your situation and I know it would make me angry if somebody else told me to "count my blessings" now.

Well, I couldn't read without posting a : even though I know that's not what you really need.
post #391 of 393
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by noordinaryspider View Post
Oh, Julie, I wish I lived closer! I've actually had dreams of wetnursing Ember
aww, that's sweet... dh's sister won't even pump a little extra... in fact, she may have even given up bfing alltogether (her's is 4 mos.)

PAK it's all i do...
post #392 of 393
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by salt_phoenix View Post
PAK it's all i do...
Had to bump this thread! Who would have thought that at 9.5 mos., Emberdoodle is a nursing fiend... all i DO is nurse!
It all worked out, eh?
post #393 of 393
What a great update! I'm glad things have worked out so well for you.
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