Xposted in birth stories
She's SIX WEEKS OLD!!!! Can you believe it?
It has not been a problem free six weeks. She has gained very little, and long story short: pumping, bottles, supply issues, non transferring of milk, more pumping, domperidone, lots of crying (me)
Hope, fear, anger... ALL the same stuff as I felt in the hospital.
I can't say that I've enjoyed the babymoon at all, it's been one struggle after the next. I am thankful that she spent no time in NICU, and we all came home together, but I will take a moment to lament our nursing relationship, which is still not established like I would prefer.
I can tell that between the traumatic hospital stay (all relative, I suppose) and the post-partum period (complete with wretched depression) and nursing problems, I am afraid it has wrecked havoc on our bonding. So much frustration and tears (me).
She's absolutely adorable, that little Ember Lotus... and I just wish that things would "normalize" and we can get to the "good stuff" of loving each other and wallowing in all those yummy baby loves.
I know it's there somewhere (i hope?) but so far, I've done WAY more crying than I have laughing and cooing over her.
Everyone tells me that it will work out fine. I'm sure it will work out... just perhaps not "fine" as defined by me. Nothing this past year has: the pregnancy was awful, the water breaking and hospital stay for a month atrocious, the birth (except the actual catching her ourselves part) was traumatic... and now the nursing/post partum is a living hell. I honestly don't know what I will do when the freezer stash of EBM runs out. Formula, to me, is like a knife through my heart.
I have hardly left the house in this 6 weeks ('cept for the week I thought I was exclusively nursing her successfully) and all I do is pump, nurse, feed, wash bottles and pumping supplies and change diapers.
All the things I wanted for this pregnancy/birth/baby... just turned out crap. I am hoping to salvage SOMETHING of the mother/child relationship... I just wonder what and when and how. After all we've been through, you would want to see a happy ending to this... I know I would. Hugs are nice, but real advice would be better.
I hate the hospital... I am so angry with so many things about this... I just think that even though I thought I was doing everything as right as I could, I now feel like there are so many things I did wrong and I am full of anger and saddness over it.
You mamas have been so great. I wish I had you all here with me now.