I am a horrible person

[ann_of_loxley]

I am posting this here because I think this is the most appropriate place to post this.

I feel like I am a horrible person but I can not stop how I am feeling. I also do not really know why I feel this way - I can come up with why I feel that way, but not really why I feel that way if that makes any sense.

My SIL has a new boyfriend and they managed to move in together after being together for a few months. Some people move fast, some people dont - that is fine. I was with my DH for about 7 months when we got married and some people consider that fast! This is also the first time my 26 year old SIL has moved out of the house on her own - having her own rent and pretty much not being parented anymore by her parents whom she was living with before hand and had everything handed to her for free. Big step for her and we are all really proud! But this is what makes me feel like a horrible person...They are already talking about having a baby and it makes me sick and angry and upset. But who am I to judge? It is not my life to control - that is why I feel like a horrible person but I can not also help how else I feel. I have tried to stop feeling that way but I can not.

This is why (but not really why - as explained above):
I am broodier than broody. My whole body is dying for a baby and thats something I cant control either. I have worked hard to be where I am today and so has my DH. He has a good job and can support a family and all things we fine important - and yes I find being at home with my child (children one day hopefully) very important. We also plan on homeschooling which not everyone is lucky enough to do but we have worked hard for that. My SIL has barely been able to ever keep a min wage job. Three months at the most. Her boyfriend has a job, but its still min wage. Now I am not knocking low income - we are not rich either but we live within our means. They are barely living within their means now (if she manages to keep this job) and thats without a baby.

I know she can change as well. At the moment she smokes - it makes me sick to think she would TTC whilst smoking ... She also has told me to do certain things to son (like CIO) that I would hate for her to bring a child into the world with. As I said though, I know she can change (even my ideals before having my son were different) but at the moment I do not like the thought of her not changing.

Also I have my own desires for having another child. Its hard to explain but basically the birth of my son went tits up. I ended up having a section with him and I feel loss there. I suffer from this loss and just thinking about it makes me want to curl up and cry . It effected our bonding and I am sure it effected lots of other things (though this post is getting long enough)... My son was also born tongue tied and I was given horrible advice on BF him (basiclly to give him formula and not bother trying) though I was able to pump for him I yearn for that relationship lost. I have always tried to re-establish BF with him but it has not happened and though he still gets some of my milk now its no more than a few oz a day - and it is not the same as actually BF him. So another loss I know I will get a second chance at this when I have another baby - that bit of it is what is making me impatient but knowing that a larger gap (my son has only just turned 2 years old) and financial reasons say that we have to wait a bit - a year or two more (I cant wait you have no idea! lol)... So why should someone who has no clue jump into this?

Also in this country if you fall within a certain income range you are entitled to benefits and a council house (that will either be paid with through benefits or be really cheap each month so that you can afford it - basically a free house )...If she were to decide to have a baby it would be at the expece of the tax payer. I do like our system, it is not perfect and you do get people who abuse it (yes people have more children simply to get more money paid to them through benefits)...but it does mean that those who really need it can at least have a roof over their heads, clothes on their body and food in their stomachs. Compared to many countries, this is something to be thankful for. We are very lucky in this country I feel. But to plan to live like that makes me a bit upset. It really takes the piss. We once stat down and pretended to take advantage of the system so we could apply for these benefits and it turned out that we would be better off money wise in this situation - which also is a bit upsetting considering how hard we both work to be where we are today

Basically I feel like why should she get to have a baby when I think we deserve one far more. I know that is a horrible thought though As I have said I obviously have no right over someone elses life and how dare me to be so judgmental...I can hear some you think 'how dare she!' 'how selfish of her!' 'how jealous of her' etc etc...but I just can not help feel that way I can not help to feel that she will get a chance at what I long for so much and take it for granted

How can I stop feeling this way? Has anyone else ever felt this way?
If you have read any of this thank you for at least listening. I cant really talk to anyone else about this but I do feel better talking about it. Thanks

[anjelika]

Yeah, unfortunately, I've been there. After I miscarried my unexpected second pregnancy, I got seriously upset about others' pregnancies, especially if I thought I "deserved" another child more. Even when I found out a good friend was pregnant, even knowing what a lovely mother she would be (and is!), I was still jealous/inconsolable/feeling awful.

What I do to get past it is throw myself into actively mothering my child and enjoying my time with him. I am also preparing myself to TTC in a few years, which helps too.

I also remember the birth pains/diaper days/lack of sleep/colic/etc on days when I get really bummed out about it. Remembering the negative points sometimes helps, strangely enough!

Good luck - it's very rough!

[elizaMM]

There is no such thing as "you should feel". Its huge that you are even examining your feelings for yourself. Of course you would feel that way! Who wouldn't feel that way in your situation? It makes perfect sense. Its not like you are going to go and sabotage her life as a result. Try to have patience with yourself. You are only human.

You could talk to a counselor. I'm sure that would help. Journal about it. Write us about it. Scream and Yell and hit pillows and go for a run about it. Express your feelings. All of that could help.

But I wouldn't recommend trying to change your feelings. Honor them. They are yours. They are human. They are not hurting anyone (but maybe you?).

Explore why you feel that way. Explore your feelings of loss, your feelings about your sister; heal your self, address your pain, try to accept your situation, and I like what the PP said, direct some of this energy toward mothering your own child.

Its hard, I know. Best of luck.

[moonmama22]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way - you are not a horrible person! I just said the exact same thing to a friend on the phone last night, for the same reasons! Another friend of mine is pregnant with her second, and I am so jealous I am having a hard time being excited for her. And it makes me feel like a horrible person for feeling that way. (But she is a wonderful mother, so not like the situation you are talking about.) We are not either in a financial situation to have another right now, but the desire is so strong for me, sometimes it is all-consuming. And my first birth experience was dreadful, so, like you, part of me is yearning for a healing experience.
Anyway, back to you - what you are feeling is not bad - it is instinctive and natural and at the very least it means you must be a very loving, devoted mother to be wanting another so badly. Appreciate what you do have, and remind yourself often of your blessings. (That's what I keep telling myself anyway...) Maybe you can help your SIL by offering her gentle advice and providing her some positive direction - maybe she just does not know or feel supported in any other way of parenting than what she already knows. And don't feel badly about having the feelings you are having!!!

[ann_of_loxley]

Thank you all for your replies. It just feels good to talk about things sometimes. I am also glad that others have felt similar to me at times as well - makes me feel more human!
I do have to say that I think my main concern is more on the child she may potentially have. Because two of my close friends are currently pregnant and I feel no jealousy at all there. In fact I feel very motherly about it and proud and happy for them - but unlike my SIL they parent very differently and have very different ideals which I think are great. Which makes me realise that its not about the preson, but the child they have I think. If that makes sense.
I would love to give my SIL gentle direction. We often get into talking about things. Unfortunatly she alway sticks to her way of thinking...For Christmas for example I got some books (alfie kohn, etc) and this was a 'joke' for her (as well as her father it seems). Its funny that...those that dont really need to read these books find pleasure in reading them and those that do dont want anything to do with them!... Does that make me sound a big smug in how I 'parent'?...Well if I am honest I think the majority of parents here on MDC have the right idea when it comes to how to raise our children.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

\
I do have to say that I think my main concern is more on the child she may potentially have. Because two of my close friends are currently pregnant and I feel no jealousy at all there. In fact I feel very motherly about it and proud and happy for them - but unlike my SIL they parent very differently and have very different ideals which I think are great. Which makes me realise that its not about the preson, but the child they have I think. If that makes sense.
I would love to give my SIL gentle direction....

I don't know what kind of person your SIL is, but I know that I had NO idea what kind of mother I would be before my DD was born. I planned to CIO, start weaning at 6 mos if not earlier, spank, etc., and I told others about my plans. Even immediately after her birth I had no problem sending her to sleep in the newborn nursery so I could sleep Now that she is here, though, and I'm dealing with a live human being, I am COMPLETELY different. We're still nursing at 9 mos and so sign of stopping, no CIO, no plans for spanking, I plan to homeschool, etc.
No one "gave me gentle direction" about this, though. I did read Mothering magazine through my pregnancy, but other than that, I changed because I loved my daughter and these changes followed naturally from wanting the best for her. I am a STUBBORN person, and I think that if I had sensed someone giving me "gentle direction" (especially if that someone seemed jealous at all) I would NOT have reacted well.

So, in summation: don't assume that what she says now is an accurate representation of how she will mother. If she does become pregnant, a subscription to Mothering would be a great congratulatory gift. Then wait. After DD was born, I was VERY sensitive about my parenting and felt like everyone was judging me. they probably were! Now i am much more comfortable, and if someone gave me loving advice i would probably accept it graciously (or more so than i would have while pregnant or PP!)

I'm sorry for how badly you are feeling, though!

Bethany

[leewd]

I remember having similar feelings when we were TTC#1.
I had a friend who accidently got pregnant with her 7th child while we were TTC. . .

I knew she was a wonderful person, and I shouldn't be jealous. But all I could think was that they couldn't afford another child and had no room for another, but WE were ready! After 6 years of marriage, DH and I were PLANNING a pregnancy, and they "oopsed" AGAIN!

With my subsequent pregnancies, I've been on the opposite side of the coin. I actually waited a very long time before telling one friend that we were pregnant with #2 because I knew they were TTC and I knew she had had a miscarriage. I didn't want her to hurt because we had "oopsed."

All that to say: these feelings are normal and natural. I totally understand your concern for the potential child, but it is hard (if not impossible) to predict what kind of parent someone will be once they are actually holding a baby. I agree with the PP that a subscription to Mothering IF she becomes pregnant would be a wonderful gesture. She sounds like a person who really needs to be loved. If you can be a loving person in her life, she will be more likely to listen to gentle guidance or at least watch your parenting and perhaps subliminally learn from you.


--LEE