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New postpartum client is Orthodox Jew - could use some pointers  

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I'm not exactly sure where to post this, so I may cross-post somewhere else.

My next pp client is Orthodox Jew. I need some pointers/refreshers on circ care. Also, any other advice would be greatly appreciated. Any cultural do's and don'ts so that I don't put my foot in my mouth or cause other havoc. I'm assuming I would not be asked to prepare food?
post #2 of 11
I recently had an orthodox jewish couple for a labor client. I was just very honest with the fact that I didn't really know their customs, and they were very happy to explain anything to me if it affected how I would be caring or interacting with them.

From the family I worked with, I learned that there are specific rules in physical contact after baby is born, but I also learned from other jewish friends that some people adhere to all the rules and some people make an exception...(so again, asking is the best way to go about it.) The family I worked with did not have any physical contact during labor and during the entire postpartum period while the mother was still bleeding, and then it went on longer depending if the baby was a girl or boy. Also, the labor and birth happened to fall on the Shabbat/Sabath, which for them meant they did not touch any lightswitches, drive cars, and from my understanding not deal with any sort of technology...(please someone who knows more than me come in and clarify if I am wrong here!) At first I really didn't understand why when I was working so intensely with the laboring mother, dad was asking me to turn on the light in order for him to use the bathroom...so I think it is good to have a basic understanding of customs!

As for the circumcision...there is not much care you need to do...never ever retract it, other than a gentle wipe down when diaper changing, I would leave anything else to the parents.
post #3 of 11
I'm a fairly strict Orthodox Jew, so if you have specific questions, feel free to PM me.

Circumcision care -- usually the mohel will leave very precise directions. Generally, all that's involved is spreading some antibiotic ointment and covering with a guaze pad for two or three days. Most of the foreskin is retracted, but not removed, in a Jewish circumcision, so while the penile head will be red and swollen, there isn't the same amount of "wound tissue" as in a traditional American circumcision.

Re: the contact rules: one thing most people have trouble getting used to is that not only won't the couple touch each other, they won't pass things to each other either. That can make for some awkward situations with a newborn, and I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you were on the ball about taking the baby from one and handing him to the other when indicated.

When it comes to the Sabbath, they'll probably ask you to do all the "work" (very technical religious term; encompasses most activities involved in farming, cooking, etc., but what you're more likely to be affected by is electricity, hot water) involved in baby care, but there's a fine line -- some people won't ASK you to do anything for their own comfort but might appreciate it if you did. It can get very sensitive if you're dealing with ultra-Orthodox Jews -- the post-partum mother can benefit directly from something you do for her even if (in some cases) she can't ask you to do it, but it's more complicated for someone who is not somehow medically impaired. So if you see the father trying to read in a dim room, he can't ask you to turn on the light -- and it could be that he wouldn't even be able to use the light if you did turn it on unless you "used" it first -- looked for something on the bookcase, or something like that. Best practice would be to talk about it candidly before hand. Sabbath starts just before sundown on Friday.

Cultural dos and don'ts:
Don't hug the father, or pat him on the back, or initiate any physical contact (outside of things like handing him the baby).
They would probably appreciate it if you dressed "modestly." For very Orthodox people, that means sleeves below the elbow, skirts below the knee (though they'd probably be fine with not-too-tight pants), and necklines at or near the collarbone. Don't know how strict this couple is, though; you can definitely take your cues from how you've seen the mother dress.
Ask before doing anything in the kitchen. The kashrut rules are very complex and you might not realize you were doing anything wrong before rendering an expensive appliance useless to them.
Don't set anything down on top of a book with Hebrew lettering (only a problem really for religious books, but better safe than sorry).

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.
post #4 of 11
Thread Starter 
Great info, very helpful. Thanks!

It is pretty cold here in New England so I'm sure I'll be wearing "modest" clothing. Should I wear nice pants instead of my usual nice jeans?

I'm pretty sure the father will not be there, but if he is...do I need to make sure I don't even brush my hand against his while passing him the baby?

At what age are the men not supposed to touch the women? The mom has three or four other kids (not sure if boys, girls, or both)...I'm assuming I can touch the kids to help the mom in some way if needed?

I will be helping them on Thursdays and Sundays, so I won't have to worry about Sabbath rules. I haven't met them yet, as they hired me through a doula group I work with. I'm hoping they will be nice enough to tell me ahead of time what I need to be careful with in their home.

Thanks for your help.
post #5 of 11
IIRC, Ahdoula is an Orthodox Jew, and I think SevenKids has worked with a lot of Orthodox Jews. I think?
post #6 of 11
You can definitely touch the kids, including any boy under 13. The no touching is only for adults of the opposite sex if they're not close relatives.

As for the modest clothing, if I were in your shoes, I would probably wear a long sleeved tee shirt and jeans, since that's what I'm most comfortable w/, but I'd bring a knee length skirt to wear over the jeans. Might look a little dorky, but who cares, you'll be warm and won't offend, right?
post #7 of 11
I think that you can go too far an over-exoticise people and make them feel equally uncomfortable.

A lot of modest people would find it personally uncomfortable to sit across from a woman who was wearing revealing clothing (meaning tight, low-cut, short skirts, etc) but they live and work in mainstream American culture every day. They don't expect you to be them, only to respect their traditions. They would probably find it weird for you to do something like wear a skirt over jeans because they don't see anyone else making that choice.

Also, even among the most observant people, there is hardly anyone who follows 100% of the rules (if they can even agree amongst themselves what the rules are). Of the Orthodox Jewish families I have worked with, only one has been observant of the rules regarding contact with women who are giving birth/postpartum. I've also had Orthodox Jewish clients' husbands reach out and shake my hand (I wait for them to offer and then shake away, as usual).

Just ask -- "Is there anything that I should know that would help me to care for you better?" and then relax -- you'll do fine!
post #8 of 11
When I am going to work with a client fam that I know (or think might) have particular customs, I generally state very plainly at first visit that I want to respect their beliefs in their home, but will need their guidance--and ask them to please feel free to tell me anything they can in advance, to correct me when needed in any moment, and to forgive me when I blunder out of my ignorance as surely I will until I understand. All such families (in my case, Muslim and Plain) seem to have been fairly charmed by this, and it has helped get things off to the right start.
post #9 of 11
What a lovely way to phrase this! I can see how a family would embrace your services with this sort of attitude!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsBlack View Post
When I am going to work with a client fam that I know (or think might) have particular customs, I generally state very plainly at first visit that I want to respect their beliefs in their home, but will need their guidance--and ask them to please feel free to tell me anything they can in advance, to correct me when needed in any moment, and to forgive me when I blunder out of my ignorance as surely I will until I understand. All such families (in my case, Muslim and Plain) seem to have been fairly charmed by this, and it has helped get things off to the right start.
post #10 of 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by MindfulBirth View Post
Great info, very helpful. Thanks!

It is pretty cold here in New England so I'm sure I'll be wearing "modest" clothing. Should I wear nice pants instead of my usual nice jeans?

I'm pretty sure the father will not be there, but if he is...do I need to make sure I don't even brush my hand against his while passing him the baby?

At what age are the men not supposed to touch the women? The mom has three or four other kids (not sure if boys, girls, or both)...I'm assuming I can touch the kids to help the mom in some way if needed?

I will be helping them on Thursdays and Sundays, so I won't have to worry about Sabbath rules. I haven't met them yet, as they hired me through a doula group I work with. I'm hoping they will be nice enough to tell me ahead of time what I need to be careful with in their home.

Thanks for your help.
No, it's okay to brush against the father while handing him the baby -- it's gratuitous touch that's a problem. Touching the children is probably fine, (some people will not like it even below age 13) but if it's not, I'm sure they'll tell you. I don't think there's a reason to wear "nice pants" instead of jeans, unless you're talking about skin-tight low-riding jeans, and if they care enough to want you to wear a skirt they should really tell you.

Quote:
Also, even among the most observant people, there is hardly anyone who follows 100% of the rules (if they can even agree amongst themselves what the rules are).
I don't think that's really accurate. We certainly observe 100% of the rules, as do most people in my milieu. It happens that the most observant Jews are probably also the ones with the largest support systems (both social and familial) and the ones most leery of inviting non-Jews to help out, in part because of how strictly they adhere to the rules.


Quote:
Of the Orthodox Jewish families I have worked with, only one has been observant of the rules regarding contact with women who are giving birth/postpartum. I've also had Orthodox Jewish clients' husbands reach out and shake my hand (I wait for them to offer and then shake away, as usual).
I can certainly believe, though, that this is true. First, the rules about shaking hands aren't that clear. The problem with male-female contact is technically only "affectionate" contact (which is why brushing hands while passing the baby or even showing a man how to hold the baby is okay), and whether shaking hands constitutes "affection" is a matter of sociological debate. Also, the subclass of Orthodox Jews who are going to hire doulas, as I said, are likely to fall on the more "modern" side of the spectrum.
post #11 of 11
What you thought might be a simple question is actually pretty complex! You're already getting the stereotypical multitude of Jewish opinions!

Important to know is that there are MANY different levels of observance. Some men will shake, but they would not appreciate a congratulatory hug. Some men won't take the change from a cashier, lest she brush his hand, and would therefore not want you to touch them (even accidentally) when passing the baby.

RE: the clothing you wear. They would be offended to see anyone in immodest revealing clothing, which I highly doubt you'll wear. Your casual comfortable clothing does not have to any different from them. They are not expecting you to adhere to their standards of dress, and just wearing a top with longer sleeves or not so generous a neckline-cut will be appreciated.

Some religious circles avoid contact between the genders from a very young age, even having separate schooling past pre-school. In such a case, touching a boy over nine, (or conversely, a man touching a girl over three) is avoided.

Bottom line, come armed with the knowledge of these things, and as you go along, you can ask. Knowing that they're sensitive about what goes on in their kitchen, just ask, "is it alright to put this juice in this cup?"
If you avoid touching the husband entirely, you're safe by all standards, (unless he offers his hand to shake and YOU refuse!)
If you see that the boys are comfortable touching you, (sitting on your lap, tugging on your sleeve) you can know that it's safe to put the baby in their arms.
Whatever you wear that is modest in your standards should be fine for a first round, and you can always ask if they'd like you to wear something else.

Your sensitivity to their needs is the best thing you can offer them! As a religious Jew myself- thanks for asking!
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