8yo's observations about me and MIL...

[trimomma]

Today, on his way out the door to MIL's for the day, ds asked me why I 'change' when MIL is around. Since MIL was picking him up, she was at the house at the time he said this, but she was fortunately in the other room with dd. Ds went on to say that he doesn't think I get along with MIL.

He's right. She and I have had several differences in the past few years that makes it hard for me to be warm and fuzzy toward her. Our differences haven't gotten to the point where I'm uncomfortable sending ds to spend the day with her, but I do get very quiet and say very little to her when I'm around her (or FIL, for that matter), which is atypical from my normal exuberant self around dc.

I'm looking for a few quick phrases I could use next time ds brings this up ~ which he will. I told him we could talk about it when he gets home, if he'd like, but I didn't think we should talk about it right then since he was literally standing at the door to leave. How could I respecfully word this to him? Keep in mind, what I say may go back to MIL.

At the same time, I don't want to tell ds "Sure we do, we get along just fine."

[proudmamanow]

This is a really good question. Dd is two young to make these kinds of observations right now (or at least too young to articulate them) but I can certainly anticipate hearing this kind of thing from her in the future about various family relationships that are polite but not warm & cordial, yk? I also remember as a child being acutely aware that my mom's relationship with her own mom seemed to be more about necessity & tolerance than warmth (but that didn't prevent me from having a good relationship with both mom & grandma). I did find it confusing though. It does make me much more aware of making comments about my mom or MIL in front of dd, though.

nothing useful to contribute really, but I'm interested to hear what others have to say...

[HarperRose]

It's a personality clash?

Mine are asking me the same thing. My mil drives me completely nuts because she's so stinking neurotic! She also likes to put in her 2 cents every time I'm trying to work out an issue between the kids or if one of them is in a bad mood or anytime she feels like arguing w/ us. She tries to parent our kids when we are there and perfectly able to parent on our own. She also tries to parent us which is equally infuriating. :

[limabean]

Looking back at my own childhood, I'm sure my mother had more than her share of differences with her ILs, but one of the things I'm so grateful for is that I was totally unaware of that -- in my mind, although I knew that one set of grandparents was on my mom's side and one set was on my dad's side, they were all treated the same by my parents -- neither was more special than the other. I try really hard to emulate that in our family (although admittedly I have an easy time of it, since I admire my MIL -- it would be incredibly hard to do if we had problems!).

Anyway, to answer your question, I would just stick to something very basic like, "Families know each other for a long long time, so every once in a while people will have differences. But even if we have our differences we're still family and we're still important to each other -- Grandma loves you and is very special to our family, just like Nana and Papa are."

[egfmba]

I'm with Limabean. Just say something like, "Not everybody is the same, and we all react to different people in different ways. But, we are still a family and we must all be civil to each other even when we don't agree on things." At this point, he'll likely ask you what you don't agree on, and pick something harmless, such as liking different foods or different entertainment choices. Just let him know that no matter how large the disagreement you will always do your best to get along w/ your MIL because you love him.

Kids are always looking for the answer to the question behind the question, and it seems to me this question behind the question could be, "Do I have to worry about you and MIL not getting along and where to place my loyalties?" Kids are keen on that kind of stuff.

Good luck to you, both with the question and with your MIL.

eva

[EnviroBecca]

I'd say something like, "We disagreed about a couple of things recently. Because we're family, I felt especially sad that Grandma didn't agree with me, and she felt especially sad that I didn't agree with her. I'm being a little more quiet around Grandma now to try not to have bad feelings like that again. It's impossible to agree on everything even with people you love, so sometimes it's easier not to talk too much."

I hope you and MIL get more cozy soon!

[trimomma]

Originally Posted by proudmamanow

I also remember as a child being acutely aware that my mom's relationship with her own mom seemed to be more about necessity & tolerance than warmth (but that didn't prevent me from having a good relationship with both mom & grandma). I did find it confusing though. It does make me much more aware of making comments about my mom or MIL in front of dd, though.

My mom and Grandmother (mom's MIL) didn't get along at all. But, one of the things I admire most about how my mom raised us was that she didn't let their relationship get in the way of us kids having a relationship with our Grandma.

I am also very aware of what I say about MIL in front of dc.

Originally Posted by limabean

Looking back at my own childhood, I'm sure my mother had more than her share of differences with her ILs, but one of the things I'm so grateful for is that I was totally unaware of that -- in my mind, although I knew that one set of grandparents was on my mom's side and one set was on my dad's side, they were all treated the same by my parents -- neither was more special than the other. I try really hard to emulate that in our family (although admittedly I have an easy time of it, since I admire my MIL -- it would be incredibly hard to do if we had problems!).

Anyway, to answer your question, I would just stick to something very basic like, "Families know each other for a long long time, so every once in a while people will have differences. But even if we have our differences we're still family and we're still important to each other -- Grandma loves you and is very special to our family, just like Nana and Papa are."

I really wish MIL and I could get along better, but I can't move past some of the things she has said and done, ykwim? Also, I have never been very good at being a Pollyanna (I'm not saying you do that, I'm saying that's what it would take for me to be warm & cozy with MIL at this point ~ and that Pollyanna is exactly the word I would use to describe MIL).

I really like your wording, limabean, for explaining that although some people have differences, we are still family and care about each other.

egfmba ~ After thinking about ds's statements for a little while now, I began to wonder if ds was worried that the relationship MIL and I have would affect his relationship with her. So, I think saying that we're all still family and care about and see each other would ease those concerns of his.

[getting_there]

I agree with limabean also. I would probably point out to him that he acts differently with his friends than he does with me, different with his dad than he does with me. Different people bring out different responses in different people. It is not a big deal it is just human nature. I would do it this way so he would have an example that he could relate with.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by trimomma

I really wish MIL and I could get along better, but I can't move past some of the things she has said and done, ykwim? Also, I have never been very good at being a Pollyanna (I'm not saying you do that, I'm saying that's what it would take for me to be warm & cozy with MIL at this point ~ and that Pollyanna is exactly the word I would use to describe MIL).

I understand -- that's why I pointed out that my MIL and I don't have problems, so that you could take my advice with a grain of salt since I don't have first-hand experience trying to stay upbeat when I'm frustrated or irritated inside. I'm terrible at hiding my feelings, and I imagine it's very difficult to put on a happy face when you're hurting inside. And I don't think you should act fakey-fake with MIL for your son's sake -- kids are perceptive, so I bet he'd pick up on that too!

I think just being honest with him while not going into the details of specific conflicts you guys have had is the best option. And I agree with egfmba that what he's really wondering about is how your conflicts with your MIL will affect him, so it's best to focus on the fact that both you and MIL love him, and that family time is important and he won't lose out on it just because you and MIL don't always agree.