Hi! Out of my mind, thanks! - Page 5

[wonderwahine]

Originally Posted by Brigianna

Glue on your hands? That's just weird. I don't know that I could associate with someone who did that.



I used melted candle wax.

i tottaly glued my hands!! PVA glue works the best and looks like sunburnt skin when it peels off

i also used to stick pins and needles into/through the top layer of the skin in the palm of my hands

[Kristine233]

Originally Posted by wonderwahine

i tottaly glued my hands!! PVA glue works the best and looks like sunburnt skin when it peels off

i also used to stick pins and needles into/through the top layer of the skin in the palm of my hands

See, I'm not weird! lol. And I still have to use a lot of self control not to play in candle wax, yup, I did the candle wax on the hand too, lmao!

And dude, I pierced my own belly button and carved designs on my ankle with a razor blade. My friends thought I was nuts, I didn't understand what the big deal was. OK, I just showed how freaky I really was as a teen, lol. Now you know how high my pain tolerance is. It clicked after seeing my DS totally run head on into something and not flinch, or be bleeding and just get up and walk away.

[wonderwahine]

Originally Posted by Kristine233

See, I'm not weird! lol. And I still have to use a lot of self control not to play in candle wax, yup, I did the candle wax on the hand too, lmao!

And dude, I pierced my own belly button and carved designs on my ankle with a razor blade. My friends thought I was nuts, I didn't understand what the big deal was. OK, I just showed how freaky I really was as a teen, lol. Now you know how high my pain tolerance is. It clicked after seeing my DS totally run head on into something and not flinch, or be bleeding and just get up and walk away.

as a kid, i not only ate candles, i dipped my finger into the melted wax all the time to make wax fingernails

i did end up being a cutter in my teen years after a pretty terrible trigger. But i still do little silly sensory things, like smooshing lotion between my fingers, playing with the shampoo bubbles...

[savithny]

Originally Posted by wonderwahine

i tottaly glued my hands!! PVA glue works the best and looks like sunburnt skin when it peels off

i also used to stick pins and needles into/through the top layer of the skin in the palm of my hands

Me too on both of those!! I remember being fascinated with the imprint of my fingerprints in teh glue when I peeled it! And the pins, the way they coudl go through you and yet not hurt.... it was really neat

[jauncourt]

Originally Posted by Brigianna

Glue on your hands? That's just weird. I don't know that I could associate with someone who did that.



I used melted candle wax.

I did *both* of those. I still do.:
I can't be trusted around my own candles because I play with them so much. I don't think I've ever had a candle that didn't end up with fingerprints in it. And I've been known to go through a whole bottle of glue just playing with it.

ETA: I'm in my late 30's.

Maura

[joensally]

Ok, so, wrestling this thread back from the sensory seekers...

Indiegirl, my son has SPD (we're going through our second round of ruling out PDD-NOS or spectrum - I don't think he is, he's just somewhere farther along the slider of neurotypical/atypical). DD is 8 and doesn't have a diagnosis, but has the same SPD stuff and intensity in spades.

I can totally relate to your post. There have been a lot of great posts on this thread, and I nodded a whole lot reading Savithny and ShaggyDaddy, along with many others. There are two things that have made the largest impact on DD shifting away from meltdowns: 1) development/maturation (hers and mine, lol); and 2) shifting my ways of thinking.

I've recognized that if I can't get us back on track before a certain point, there's no way she's going to get control until she's arced and come down again. Once we're there, I just try to minimize the mayhem and try to be observant of when she's ready to reconnect and step in when that time arrives (ie rage, rage, rage...cry...rage...cry..."would you like a hug"..."YES!!!"...).

Low blood sugar, lack of sleep, stress, social issues are all huge triggers. DS has had fewer meltdowns since I changed his breakfast to a homemade protein shake for breakfast, with toast if he's interested.

I think about how out of control I feel when DD's raging - that point of exasperation, sore ears, frustration, inability to move the process forward - and imagine that's exactly how the kids feel. I think about how much will power it's taking me to not walk out the door, or to react physically, and have a greater appreciation of how hard it is for them to regain control. I agree with PPs' advice to find alternate sensory input that works to help your DD self-regulate - heavy work or firm back rubbing work for DS. The kids found pre-christmas build up excruciating and it was melt down city here, and sensory issues galore. DS couldn't wear certain clothes due to sensory issues. Are there things going on for your DD that are leading to increased meltdowns and sensitivity?

[Brigianna]

Originally Posted by wonderwahine

i tottaly glued my hands!! PVA glue works the best and looks like sunburnt skin when it peels off

i also used to stick pins and needles into/through the top layer of the skin in the palm of my hands

Fun activity: stick a (clean) needle through the top layer of skin, then pull it out, then immediately pour hot wax over the freshly exposed much-more-sensitive skin. I will never get tired of this.

Originally Posted by jauncourt

I did *both* of those. I still do.:
I can't be trusted around my own candles because I play with them so much. I don't think I've ever had a candle that didn't end up with fingerprints in it. And I've been known to go through a whole bottle of glue just playing with it.

ETA: I'm in my late 30's.

Maura

Just don't do it with a scented candle. Ow! Those things should come with a warning label "Attn. sensory seekers--much hotter than standard candle!"

Originally Posted by joensally

Ok, so, wrestling this thread back from the sensory seekers...

Pry it from our hot waxy gluey pierced hands!

Actually, we need a separate thread for adult sensory seekers... but I'm afraid to start one.

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by sbgrace

gaialice, your response may be true for your child our your experience. There is no possible way you can say that is true for every single child. The generalization is "yes, if it doesn't work though it is because you aren't connecting with/loving your child the way he or she needs" Blech.

I did not mean it that way, at all, but I am sorry if I offended you or the OP. It is not always possible to connect, and not just because we do not have the time, but also because when children are volatile, they sometimes need to just tantrum and take it all out and move on. At times, it is more useful to just listen to their tantrums really -- other times it is worth trying to reach out -- break out -- but of course all generalizations are worth what they are worth

Originally Posted by sbgrace

Actually, the more I read your responses...am I correct in assuming your children aren't even on the autism spectrum. Frankly, I know you are trying to help and I get the playful parenting thing (we do that here) but some of your playful suggestions would send some spectrum or other kids over the edge I think

Again, sorry. I was meaning, of course, that these things should be used before a tantrum occurs, not during. Anyway I apologize. When I reread my post, I see that it starts with a question "How does she react to humour" and ends with a cautionary note "I did not see the videos so maybe there is something I am missing" It really did not mean to be offensive.

[JustJamie]

I have to say, I found reading this thread to be very informative. My DD is not on the spectrum, nor is she a sensory seeker, so I can't give input or advice, but I feel as though I've learned quite a bit just reading the thread.

OP, I hope you find resolution.

[williamsmommy2002]

Originally Posted by gaialice

I did not mean it that way, at all, but I am sorry if I offended you or the OP. It is not always possible to connect, and not just because we do not have the time, but also because when children are volatile, they sometimes need to just tantrum and take it all out and move on. At times, it is more useful to just listen to their tantrums really -- other times it is worth trying to reach out -- break out -- but of course all generalizations are worth what they are worth



Again, sorry. I was meaning, of course, that these things should be used before a tantrum occurs, not during. Anyway I apologize.

Please don't use the word tantrum in response to our children. what our children do they most often times have no control over. That makes it unlike what most people think in a tantrum which is often considered manipulating. The word meltdown is a much better description of what is going on.

[Individuation]

Originally Posted by williamsmommy2002

Please don't use the word tantrum in response to our children. what our children do they most often times have no control over. That makes it unlike what most people think in a tantrum which is often considered manipulating. The word meltdown is a much better description of what is going on.

Thank you.

I did want to point out, also, that typical children grow out of tantrums, while autistic adults tend to be prone to meltdowns for life, even if other signs of autism are not as apparent. So it's not like you're training your child to "grow out of" meltdowns, or that it's something the child needs to learn for later--meltdowns seem to be a fact of ASC life, despite parenting strategies, although of course their frequency and impact can be minimized.

My marriage improved infinitely when my husband stopped taking meltdowns personally.

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by williamsmommy2002

Please don't use the word tantrum in response to our children. what our children do they most often times have no control over. That makes it unlike what most people think in a tantrum which is often considered manipulating. The word meltdown is a much better description of what is going on.

Point taken, Williamsmommy and Individuation. I am not a native English speaker, and to me meltdowns and tantrums were synonyms until you mentioned this. Tantrum is the word used by the OP, so I just sticked with it. I have never thought tantrums to be manipulative and it does strikes me as weird that some people may think so. It is very clear that they are episodes during which you lose control and your emotions are just too big for you to handle and you are not in a position to think clearly enough to manipulate others. I have meltdowns - real ones - myself so I know.

[harpertrance]

wow, this thread is super long... I read what I could of it, and I feel bad for the both of you.

pick and choose your battles. dont let silly things like having her cereal w/o milk be such an issue. Really... its no big deal. It doenst matter if she likes it with milk all the other times or not. Its not going to hurt to let her eat it dry.

and a for the hug thing... i dont understand what u mean that u feel violated when she "needs a hug or else"... kids on the spectrum or with pdd need attention at one point or another. Give in to her and hug her. She probably just wants to feel the closeness.

dont let things like these turn into a meltdown. You are the parent. She isnt going to turn in to a spoiled brat because you give in to her for these things... a lot of tears can be saved

[Brigianna]

FWIW playful parenting methods do sometimes work with autistics. Not usually in mid-meltdown but at other times, for diffusing stress, it can work. It just depends on the individual child and the specific situation.

[kchoffmann]

A word about power struggles, since that seems to be at play for the OP:

I notice, first of all, that actual power struggles are just way less likely to happen with my ASC kid. He's extraordinarily flexible, for any kid, ASC or not, and so we rarely get into these situations. My non-autistic child, however, can easily be drawn into them, but I don't think this has anything to do with autism. What I just know to be true about power struggles is that only I have the ability to create them - not my kids. My children are small, innocent, and simply trying to figure out how to get on in the world. I, on the other hand, have been here a lot longer. I have tons of power with my children that I always want to be careful not to wield in a harmful way. It would be so easy to do, in fact, that I get super aware of myself whenever a situation starts.

I like to think of power struggles like this - all the best *strength in non-violence* philosophies (sorry - don't know what else to call it; brain feels like mush from limited sleep) incorporate the idea that when something pushes, you release to it, move with it, but while still maintaining your own strength. So, I bring this into my parenting. No matter how I'm feeling at the moment, I remind myself that my child needs me to contain his feelings, and I immediately become empathetic. I show my empathy, whether physically or with words or both (like, "You don't want to go to sleep; you're frustrated; etc"), but I maintain what I feel is important, like that he still has to take his nap because he's exhausted, or he still has to leave the children's museum when it's time to go, or whatever.

And, I pick what really matters to stay strong on. Like so many PPs said, milk in cereal just wouldn't be one of them. My ASC kiddo eats three things, only one of them that could vaguely be considered actual food, and as painful as this has been for me as a mother who wants to nurture her child, I have never struggled with him over it. It would only make things worse. Instead, he's in feeding therapy, and I just regularly offer him food, which he always refuses.

I don't want it to sound like I don't screw up all the time, or like I don't get fed up a lot and have to apologize, or am otherwise inhuman. To me, good parenting is often more about one's philosophical intentions. Another PP here said she thought you might be approaching your situation from a place that assumes your child will respond in a *typical* way (although, I don't think your approach would work with a typical child either), and this change in thinking about the situation really needs to be the first step you take.

[indiegirl]

I just started a new job and have been swept away with the work and life.

I have been a part of Mothering for years now--used to moderate and even worked for Mothering for awhile--and left the community because I struggled with two things: finding balance between the internet and my family and having a difficult time with the amount of emotional energy I was putting forth online.

It's hard for me to read a thread like this and not want to comment on each and every thing, especially when I feel it's not quite spot-on or would love to engage more deeply into a given suggestion or topic.

I have not read the replies since I last posted simply because I know my limits and with all that is going on in real-time I can't spare much toward getting worked up. Based on the number of PM's I've received, I think the reading will be thick, thoughtful and take some time to process. I'm committed to that but need to do so on my own terms.

I wanted to comment on an update, fwiw:

My mantra has become "Is this the hill...." and I've shared it with my dh (who, btw, is firmly ASC as well). We've reshaped our behavior and thinking in some small, important ways. Additionally, I've connected with her physically and emotionally in more and innovative new ways: deep pressure, humor, more (or less!) touching, and a calmer state of reaction to life in general. Oh! And I keep food on hand or available all the time, even when we're out (most of the day!).

And, most importantly, I've let go of some things and it seems to be really helpful.

Zoe has not tantrumed since the day I posted this, I think that's the most telling example of how well things are going. I've become the Administrator at a Waldorf school in a nearby town, so we're all in new digs. She loves her teachers and the transition has been fairly wonderful--and for Zoe, a transition being wonderful is a big step!

So, in short and without reading the final two or three pages of this thread, I say thanks to those of you who have offered support and kindness.

All the best to each of you--
Jesse