2 year old dd aggressive w/ newborn ds. Suggestions?

[Wooby]

Help! We (thought) we prepared dd so well for ds's arrival. She was a big part of preg. and birth... even cut his cord. However, she is quite aggressive with him (he is just 1 week old.) I know this is a very confusing time for her and I expected this to be a tough transition. All that said, does anyone have some tips for how I can gently and lovingly react to her hitting/slapping? How can I best help her through this while setting some limits?

[Tigerchild]

One of the most important things that I've found to do with toddlers, esp. 2-3 year olds, is to talk to them *while* you are protecting the other child. This is one case, IMO, that it's acceptable and even essential to restrain a child that looks like they're going to hurt another. While gently doing this and moving them away from the baby (or if you have to hold onto their arm for a few minutes while you put the baby down), it's important to let them know that you won't let them hurt the baby, that it's okay for them to be angry/jealous/playful (whatever you perceive the emotion/intent), but they may not hurt the baby. Maybe you could give your daughter a baby doll, soft bodied and very twistable/biteable, and show her that it's acceptable for her to show you what she's feeling on the doll.

I know that some people might get upset about allowing a child to be violent with a doll, but most two year olds are well aware of the difference between baby and doll...but it's similar enough for them to get that touchy/excess energy out. I always allowed the kids to do whatever they wanted to do to the baby dolls in my class, and it really seemed to take the tension away from them wanting to pound on another kid (and I had parents tell me it worked to diffuse roughhousing with the baby at home, too). It's important not to correct or admonish them while they're playing though. Playdough is a good tool as well in this regard, but the doll is oftentimes a lot more accessible.

At the same time, if you can relax instead of anticipating a problem (even when the kid is barrelling down towards the baby), that's helpful too. Expect her to be trustworthy/gentle, and tell her so--but be positioned to immediately intercept if things go wrong. And realize that most twos just don't know their own strength and only have limited empathy, so you're going to have to do whatever you decide to do a LOT!

Still, I know how nervewracking this can be. Sometimes I can't wait until my babies get big enough that they can at least defend themselves until I can bolt across the room, if need be. :/ Until then, I've been doing the above (and I'd say that 90 percent of the time it never gets to the point of me having to restrain her) and just removing temptation by wearing a baby or having them in a bassinette/seat high enough that she can't reach easily.

[Rivergallery]

I have a 14m old with a 24day old! He really loves his little brother, but doesn't understand when touching hurts. This is the issue with us, I found telling him no hitting etc just made him angry and would throw a fit with the baby getting the brunt of it sometimes. If I say OWIE he gets a sad look on his face. And doesn't throw a fit. Maybe she doesn't know it is hurting the baby? Just a thought,

Otherwise she might just be needing attention? Or need more active play time?

Also, having my older one "help" with the baby has helped also, he puts dirty diapers in the garbage, or brings me clean ones, blankets whatever.

I have also found his "tantrums" arrise more easily when he is tired. Maybe when baby takes a nap have a quiet book cuddle time with your daughter?

[Enne la Chu]

I've found that it really helps for Sam (2yo ds) to verbalize his feelings. He knows he's not supposed to be aggressive with his sister (6mo), so sometimes when he's feeling jealous and tired and angry, he does this pathetic thing where he tries really hard to play nicely with her... except it's not nice. He gets this desperately wide smile and screeches "HIIIIYYY BAAAAABYYYYY" and starts barraging her with toys - like he's sharing, only he's sharing his big metal dumptruck with the back of her head! I thought it was so sad that he didn't feel like his angry feelings were valid or permissable, so I've started encouraging him to verbalize them. Now he can say "I'm MAD" although he usually has to be prompted. It's helped alot. I also encouraged him once to go into the bedroom and hit his pillows -- a double plus, as it both calmed him down, and gave me and dd some space.
-Jenna