January dating thread!!!!

[BelovedK]

Whoops, sorry so late

Let's all post our positives, negatives, thoughts and updates abut our dating lives as single parents

I will be back to update later.

[Still_Snarky]

howdy everyone!

it's been almost three months since d and i met and reading back on my blog i can't believe it's only been that long. the kids and i feel so completely comfortable around him, it's cliche but it does feel like we've known him forever.

we typically see each other 5 days a week and we talk a couple of times a day. he reads bedtime stories to miss p and tosses 'renzo in the air (among other things...) he's restoring parker's faith in daddy type men, she'll actually cuddle up on his lap.

as for me, there's this nice balance between supporting me in this mess with bk but somehow not coddling me. he's gently pushed me to take action and stand up for myself. plus he's a good cuddler.

bbl, screaming kids.

[Spring Sun]

Just curious, where does the last month's thread go?

[BelovedK]

It just gets 'unstickied' and is in with the rest of the threads in the forum.

[BelovedK]

I also think it goes down the list according to the date of the last post.

[green]

Hi all. I am in a bit of a spot. I have one man quite interested in me (yeah!), yet conversation leaves much to be desired. We have been out on a few lunch dates, one night date and he has come over to my house on a couple of occasions. I have held him off physically (not super easy, but something I must do for myself...1. because I don't want to mislead anyone, 2. don't want to get emotionally tangled in someone I am not sure about, 3. there is another man I am intrigued by, 4. plus more).

So, the other man I am intrigued by comes by to chat with me once a week. He makes comments that he is interested and has been coming to visit me for 8-10 weeks. We ran into each other for a few moments the other day and he left even more hints that he wants to spend time together, get to know me better, etc. So, I emailed him my phone number... He responded with an email, not a phone call. He is in the midsts of construction on his house - he said when that all tidied up, we would get together to converse. So, now I am in the spot of having a man who is spoiling me a bit with time and interest yet I am not that into him vs a man I am interested in yet moving at a turtles' pace (and let me tell you - *I* move at a turtles' pace!)

I fully realize what I want and what I will do - but, but, but.

Just pass along helpful words and kind thoughts! Good luck everyone.

[BelovedK]

Well, it has happened. Two of my best friends are now in serious relationships. One friend is the kind of friend that was always available to hang out at any hour, long phone conversations, etc. I feel kinda left behind I know that is silly, and I really am happy for both of them (actually there is a third too, but we are not as close as we used to be) I am especially happy for my closest friend, he has needed a good partner and I can already see the positive changes in him as a result of being in a relationship.

I (otoh) am NOT dating anyone and I have started being active on match again and vow now to give guys who are not my typical type a try, and not to be so close minded.

The last date I had was with a guy who turned out to be very hott, and he had a nice accent He was confident and alot of fun, well....he should've been on Craigslist's 'casual encounters' because it seems that is all he wanted :

He tried, I said 'no'...he backed off, then tried again, just this time tried harder, became more "assertive" I said a strong NO, then he backed off. He then tried again, and so on until I could finally get away. I am an assertive woman, just in some of these situations, I feel like such a weanie. I will have NO PROBLEM now telling him what I think about his disrespecting me, but it will be over the phone. What. is. wrong. with. me????!!!!

btw, can you believe that he even tried that on a first date??? a BLIND date at that!! Honestly, it had me feeling down, that, and the fact that my friends are moving on.

I know this year is going to get better, it HAS to

[mz_libbie22]

I am so heartbroken right now. I don't think I'm cut out for the world of dating.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by mz_libbie22

I am so heartbroken right now. I don't think I'm cut out for the world of dating.

[mmace]

~

[BelovedK]

Marissa, I don't know what to say I know how it feels though. My X took a long time to actually take the step and get married. He had a seperate residence for a while and it hurt that he wanted to go home to his roommates rather than stay with me. I almost left him at one pont and the night I was going to have that talk with him, he said" we should go ahead and get married) How romantic, huh? He is my X now.

I think if he feels like the right person for you, I may decide to wait. If it feels right in your gut, and you two get along well.

((((hugs))))

[Spring Sun]

Marissa, I agree. I think that both of you obviously were not able to, for whatever reason, make things work in your last relationships, so maybe he is just being careful AND protecting his son.

I know it is hard, though. I feel like I could just get married, settle down, have more babies right now with the guy I have been dating for five months. But there is no way in hell that I would actually do that. I will do everything to ensure that I make a good successful relationship, and I know that moving too fast is not one of those things.

So my big thing is another baby-that is hard to wait for. I want ds to have a sister or brother. I love bf's son, and would love for him to be ds's brother. And then have some more. But I am really not attached to getting married again. I thought it really meant something to be married, but obviously it did not. So I don't need a ceremony to tell me so. But I am an average girl, I do love the fairytale of getting married, I am just not attached to it and would be happy having a partner for life or a husband.

I just need to have a baby! I seriously think that it must be that time of the month. I get this "I NEED to have a baby" feeling for a few days every month. .

But, my biggest fear is that I have talked a lot about how much I want more kids to bf, and *I think* when we were first dating he said he wanted more, but now I can't remember. You would think he would mention it if he didn't since he knows how important it is to me, right? Guess I need to talk to him about that. I don't want to waste my time when I know what I want.

Anyways, things are great with us. I am madly in love. Exh tried very hard to get back together with me recently, and was getting angrier and angrier until I told I still do miss having sex with him. The next day he was fine again. He admitted that one of his biggest fears was that bf was better in bed. MEN! He is so freaking primal.

Anyways, now ex and I are on awesome terms, for how long, I do not know.

[Spring Sun]

Beloved-I am just waiting for someone to do something like that to me again so that I can kick him in the balls. Really hard. Don't feel about about the way you handled it-I get confused too about by own strength as a woman when I am in that kind of situation and then when I am out of the situation I can't believe I wasn't more myself, you know?

I am adding you as a myspace friend.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by Spring Sun

Exh tried very hard to get back together with me recently, and was getting angrier and angrier until I told I still do miss having sex with him. The next day he was fine again. He admitted that one of his biggest fears was that bf was better in bed. MEN! He is so freaking primal.

[robinchap1]

Beloved K: As if dating isn't hard enough... what an awful experience! I have no idea how I would have handled that. I went on one match date over the summer where I ended up kissing a guy that I TOTALLY did NOT want to be kissing because I didn't know how to get out of it. I was totally grossed out and I felt really yucky afterwards. It was enough to make me never want to go on a date again and risk being in a position where I felt like I couldn't get out of kissing someone I didn't want to kiss! I talked to a male friend later and asked how to NOT kiss someone physically aggressive like that. He said, "Well, you can kiss him because you are afraid of hurting his feelings or standing up for yourself. You can sleep with him because you are afraid of hurting his feelings or standing up for yourself. And you could marry him.... OR, you can just push him away and say no!" Yeah, that. We live and learn, I guess!
Oh... and my very bestest friend in the world just met someone too. She has been single for 8 years and she is an amazing person and he sounds like a really wonderful guy. So I am SOOOO happy for her. But, I can't help feeling a bit lonely and left behind...
Yes, Beloved K... a better year ahead... I agree. I'm feeling like I'm off to a bit of a rocky start on several fronts as well... but let's work on envisioning what we want our lives to be...

[robinchap1]

my own dating update

Well, so I'd posted in December about going out 2x with a guy that I was really feeling like I could fall for. We are going out again on Friday and I'm really looking forward to it.
I can't quite figure him out, though. I'm really trying to just have the mindset that I enjoy spending time with him, I'm getting out and having a good time (which has been very very rare for me over the last 2 years), and it doesn't have to be more than that right now. Instead of just enjoying it, I obsess over every little thing.
I do wish that he would call more. I'd like to have more conversation, you know? I know that I could pick up the phone and call too... I just think I'm too vulnerable at this point. I need someone else to be expressing very clear interest. I'm in reciprocation mode, if that makes any sense.
I guess I'm a little worried that I am going to fall for him and he is just interested in casual dating. I wish I could be interested in casual dating, especially since realistically I'm not certain how to fit anything more than that in my life right now anyway. But I just don't know if I'm cut out for that. If I like someone enough to want to be taking time away from DS and going out... I really like them and want to be really liked back, you know? I want to ask where he is at... but I think it's too soon. I don't want to look like the crazy looking for a husband girl! We've only gone out twice. And honestly, I don't know what I'm looking for. I just know that I like him enough and click with him enough that I'm interested in getting to know him more...
Plus I REALLY like kissing him.
And that's another thing. I think I need to know where he's at in order to determine how much kissing and other stuff I can let myself do, you know? I've been down the casual physical relationship road too many times. It's not for me. I always end up hurt. The physical goes with the emotional for me whether I like it or not!
So... that's the update!
to you Mmace... what a hard place to be.

[Spring Sun]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

I guess I'm a little worried that I am going to fall for him and he is just interested in casual dating.

I think, unless he is a total jerk that is scamming you, he is not just interested in casually dating a single mom.

"To "shoplift the pooty" means when a man sleeps with a single mother, where the mother has a small, cute child, or children."-from Jerry McGuire.

When I was in my first relationship after dh left, I was very worried that this guy only wanted to sleep with me. He told me flat out one day that he was not trying to "shoplift the pooty from a single mom", and I smiled and laughed and realized that I have it good, being a single mom. It weeds out all the not-so-good-guys. The ones that are not interested after I tell them I have a toddler are not worth it anyways.

Surprisingly, though, all the guys that I thought were hot and intelligent respected me for being a single mom, and did not fear it. It was always the sleazy, greasy guys that would stop talking to me after I mentioned my son. It actually became a way to get guys to stop hitting on me, which was nice.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

Beloved K: As if dating isn't hard enough... what an awful experience! I have no idea how I would have handled that. I went on one match date over the summer where I ended up kissing a guy that I TOTALLY did NOT want to be kissing because I didn't know how to get out of it. I was totally grossed out and I felt really yucky afterwards. It was enough to make me never want to go on a date again and risk being in a position where I felt like I couldn't get out of kissing someone I didn't want to kiss! I talked to a male friend later and asked how to NOT kiss someone physically aggressive like that. He said, "Well, you can kiss him because you are afraid of hurting his feelings or standing up for yourself. You can sleep with him because you are afraid of hurting his feelings or standing up for yourself. And you could marry him.... OR, you can just push him away and say no!" Yeah, that. We live and learn, I guess!
Oh... and my very bestest friend in the world just met someone too. She has been single for 8 years and she is an amazing person and he sounds like a really wonderful guy. So I am SOOOO happy for her. But, I can't help feeling a bit lonely and left behind...
Yes, Beloved K... a better year ahead... I agree. I'm feeling like I'm off to a bit of a rocky start on several fronts as well... but let's work on envisioning what we want our lives to be...

So, I'm not the only one I was intimidated by this guy. It will not happen again.


I am talking to 3 guys right now. They all seem really nice and respectful. None of them are my usual types though, I thought I'd go outside of my comfort zone and see what happens. The choices I have made up unti now have not been the best.

I am meeting one of them, who seem VERY nice, tomorrow night, we are just having a cup of coffee AND I am telling a friend where we are going. I hope this is a good experience. So far through match I have made 2 good friends.

[cycle]

OK Ladies - I need some friendly prodding!

This is my first time in the "dating" forum. I don't actually belong here yet because I haven't actually went on a date, but I have been asked by someone I am actually interested in seeing if I am interested.

So here is the thing, I met this guy online, I was encouraged by some of your stories of meeting quality people online. We seem to have a common outlook on life and both sort of stagger off the beaten path a bit. We have emailed several times but have not talked on the phone or met in person. He asked me a couple weeks ago to meet for coffee but I was going out of town- he just asked again and I am so torn about going. I am ready to be in a relationship, I would love to, but I am so worried about ds in this whole thing. As you all know, our kids are first, how do you balance that while dating someone? I don't have any time away from ds, if I go on a date he will have to be with a sitter, I don't have family around here either. I just can't imagine it working and part of me feels like I shouldn't even bother. I am away from ds enough as it is because he is in preschool while I work, I can't imagine leaving him with a babysitter so I can do out. I have this dream that I am going to meet a guy that loves us both and is ok with having ds with us most of the time....can't imagine that happening. I have checked this guy out pretty thoroughly online. He has been very upfront with everything and I actually know quite a bit about him and have visited his website and googled him. He has nephews and spends time with them and doesn't seem put off by me having a child at all. We have had nice email conversations and have quite a few cute coincidences like him having the same birthday as my son....so its been kind of flirty. So I am torn as I said and I don't know if I should bother because I can't devote too much time to it and I am a terrible "dater" anyway.

The other thing is that I feel really yucky about myself. I used to be an athlete and I was in great shape. I am about 30 lbs heavier than I should be or want to be, I just started exercising again and I know that the weight will start coming off and my body will start getting back to its old self. I thought I would be able to get back in shape before dating but it just hasn't been a priority. I am not fat, I can still somehow fit into most of my old clothes but I am afraid I will be very self conscious and that he will think I am gross. I know thats so superficial and I am embarrassed to even be saying it...I have so much more to offer but I am still self-conscious about my body.

So, what do I do, ward him off for a while or just go for it and risk it? ds's preschool has date night this weekend - they watch the kids from 6-10 at night...I could go out with him then...

[robinchap1]

Oh Cycle!!!! I could have (and have) written various parts of your post myself! I so totally understand a lot of what you are saying and feeling. And I don't have all the answers, or most of them. And the ones I do have could most probably be wrong. So you may as well just stop reading right here!

For what it's worth, I think you should go. Take advantage of preschool night and meet this guy and see... If you really hit it off and want to see him again, I would have a really open and honest conversation with him (or, if it's easier to start, you could send it in email and follow up with conversation) explaining everything you said in your post about your DS. (Or, if you're not sure after one date how you feel about sharing this but you want to see him again, you could always do it after the 2nd date if you're thinking you'll be wanting to spend more time with him). You gotta figure, either he's going to get it and be on board and ready to do whatever it takes just to spend time with you. Or he won't. And if he doesn't... he's not the guy for you. (This, mind you, coming from a woman who won't even call the guy I have a 3rd date scheduled with. I want him to call me. Totally insecure. )

I sometimes think we have double (or triple) the amount of guilt that married mothers do when it comes to being there for our DC. I don't know if we are trying to compensate for this life that we never imagined for them or what. But I do believe that what so many people have been telling me is true. We have to have some fulfillment for ourselves. It will make us better mothers. And, I think, if well balanced, it will set the right example for our DC. Teach them how to do things for themselves and for fun, but balance it with responsibility and time with our families, etc. You sound really excited and nervous and interested. You deserve to have those feelings and that side of life too. And you can do it and still be an amazing mother who will always be there for your DS. I really believe that. It does take juggling. And it does take the right guy. And I haven't found either the juggling balance or the right guy yet (that I know of!). But it seems that others do.

And all that aside, even if nothing comes of it... a dinner out with another grown up who seems to be interesting and fun... we can all use that every once in a while for sure.

As for how you look... I get that too. I think we all do because we are all women and tend to be critical of ourselves. I would do the very best you can to put it out of your head. Find some clothes that make you feel good, do a little, "I am fabulous" self talk and go give it a whirl.

I have determined that I too am a terrible dater. I don't understand this dating business. I've never really done it before. And I think I'm missing the rule book. It must be with the how to be a mother rule book. Hmph!

Good luck. Keep us posted.
I'm excited for you.