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January dating thread!!!! - Page 2

post #21 of 112
Thanks Robin! Your post made me feel better. I emailed him to see if he is available this saturday....we'll see what happens. I'm kind of excited about going out with an adult, just one on one, it has been a very long time - like at least four years and that was ds's dad.

I'll keep you all posted, this is a huge deal for me! as I know it is for all of us.

ETA @ 3:25 pm, date is official, wow, why am I so freaking nervous? He is really excited about meeting me too. I can't really back out now.
post #22 of 112
Cycle, I could have written your post 4 months ago when I had just gotten up the nerve to join OkCupid and put myself out there. I was nervous about finding a guy who was ok with my being a single mom, and convinced that no one could possibly find my post-baby body attractive (I'm not fat either, but let's just say that things are not in the same, er-state they were in pre-pregancy).

What I've found (thanks OKC!) is a wonderful, sweet, funny, smart, sexy guy who admires me for my strength and endurance in being a single mom, thinks I'm brilliant and hilarious, and (for some reason!) finds my body gorgeous and sexy. I pinch myself several times per day to make sure it's real. I say this becasue I don't think guys are as critical of our bodies as we are. I keep thinking, "does he not see my belly? does he not recognize a stretch mark when he sees one??" But these are not things he notices or that detract from my desirability. Go figure
post #23 of 112

Advice on how not to be a blathering fool...

So stbx and I have been separated for over a year and are without a doubt getting divorced, but I have not put myself "out there" at all.

Right after Thanksgiving I went grocery shopping with the baby and used the light rail. Cute guy with cute toddler was at the same train station and got on with said toddler and homemade pizza on a cookie sheet. Train was crowded and I gave up my seat them because I could only imagine the disaster waiting to happen holding onto a small child with precariously balanced food while being jostled on an accelerating object. The three of us (baby was busy nursing in the mei tei almost the whole time) chatted about breastfeeding, sign language, good preschools, crime rates on the light rail and in the neighborhood we were headed to. Cute guy gives me his business card before he gets off train and invites me to tea.

I kept the card, but blew him off. He could be married. I don't have time for romantic entanglements, blah blah.

Just before I leave town for Christmas a friend calls and says there is an ad in the local "alternative" paper in the chance meetings section - about me. Sure enough, Cute guy says lovely things about me and says he will be sad if he never speaks to me again. My eldest dd tells EVERYONE and all tell me I should call.

Well, I was leaving town so I didn't call. My trip lasted longer than was planned because my dad ended up in the hospital while I was visiting. Then I had house guests. And the lo's father was in town to see them and I needed to be clear headed.

So anyway, I emailed him this afternoon. He emailed back that it was too late to call tonight, but he will call tomorrow.

I am so scared:
1. That he is another psycho - this would be a trend that has lasted almost two decades now
2. I will come off like a psycho
3. That I will come off like an idiot (he is a doctor - way more education than I have)
4. That he will want to move things onto a sexual level too fast
5. That I will move things onto a sexual level too fast because I am insecure about #3 and that is my stupid pattern (see #1)

I know that I am over thinking this and we are just going to a well lit public place to drink something warm and talk.

Talk me down a little and boost my ego a little - please.
post #24 of 112
LuvMyLittles what a great "how we met" story!! I love it. So romantic. Of course you're scared. It's the first one after the separation, you have a bad pattern from the past (as do we all on this board! most of us anyway!!), and your hopes are (oops!) raised!! It's scary to put yourself out there. But he OBVIOUSLY likes you. Trust your gut to know if he's a psycho, you are a different woman than when you chose your psycho exes. Right? And when you are with him, keep breathing and stay in your body. Keep reminding yourself to stay present to yourself. This will help you not go into insecurity around your respective schooling. You are neither a psycho nor an idiot, and make sure you really breathe into that space of honoring and loving yourself.
post #25 of 112
Zeta - Thanks or the encouragement!

I need to have fun with this! And not think it is weird to have someone acting in a romantic way toward me.

Breathing! What a thought! OK - Breathing now...
post #26 of 112
Ok, I've decided to post this here since this is the dating thread.

For those of you who have been following my "fireman" saga, when would be a good time to ask him again if he's available to do something? I asked earlier this week and he was busy doing something with his dad. Now I'm wishing I hadn't done that because this weekend would've been perfect; my brother (his friend) is away hunting and I know he usually hangs out at the firehall bar with him on Fridays or Saturdays. His birthday is coming up on Tuesday, so at least I could say something like I wanted to buy you a drink for your b-day. Not only that, I'd really like to go out tonight because I was just served with papers from my exmil again having to go back to court.....

My friend says I should ask again, but I don't know. I might seem too much like a stalker if I do. Part of me thinks, eh, what the hey, you only live once, and the other part is a little more sensible....

I'm still torn between whether he's interested in me or not. What would you think if a guy is over waiting to go out with his friend (my brother who's getting ready) while you and your mom and kids are eating dinner and your mom is standing there holding her plate eating and when you stand up and offer her your seat (and you'll stand and eat) and she sits down, said guy notices and practically falls all over himself to have you sit down where he was (he was at the computer chair which is right next to our dining room table). He's not a jerk to my mom, promise!! He's always very nice to her; I don't know why he didn't notice her standing there.....maybe he's just being nice.

Thanks for your help everyone!! Sorry if you all are sick of me!! LOL!
post #27 of 112
Okay, Luvmylittles-this guy has a similar parenting style as you, he has a child, he is a doctor, he put an ad in the newspaper to find you-and you didnt call him!!!???? Sounds like fate to me, if there is such a thing. I believe we attract people into our lives that are at the same level as us or people that have issues that we need to work with in order to get through something. Soooo, if you have done a lot of work on yourself, I would not worry about attracting the wrong kind of guy. And you must be different now, and have a different kind of energy. You have had children, which changes someone.

I met my bf the same way. We took the bus together, with our respective kids, to the airport. It was a short ride, so we didn't talk very much about ourselves. I talked mostly to his son. I only found out that they live in Boulder and his son goes to Montasorri school. I didn't even know if he was single, as many dads in Boulder are partnered and do not wear a ring. But, I went out on a limb and gave him my card at the last minute in case he ever wanted to have a "playdate." I ended up being very lucky. He parents the same as I do, has a beautiful son, we have everything in common, he is an engineer, has worked through his major issues, etc... And it was about a year after dh and I split.

So, this guy sounds fabulous. What are waiting for! Go out with him. Two single parents finding each other that way- it is great and could be really wonderful with you. I doubt someone that just wants to sleep with you would put an ad in the newspaper. And single dads know better than to just want sex from single moms. You started off talking, so I am sure he will be open to talking more, just tell him how you feel.

Also, I have a moderate level of education, and can tell the difference between someone that is intellegent and not. It does not matter how much education you have, what matters is your ability to have a conversation-and you already did that with him. Your writing also reflects that too, so don't worry!

It is just so romantic, I am very excited for you. People LOVE to hear the story about how bf and I met, and yours tops it bc of the ad. He is already into you a lot, so go to the date with that in mind. YOu have nothing prove, and nothing to loose.

Have fun with McDreamy and let us know how it goes!
post #28 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by catlvr976 View Post
For those of you who have been following my "fireman" saga, when would be a good time to ask him again if he's available to do something? I asked earlier this week and he was busy doing something with his dad. Now I'm wishing I hadn't done that because this weekend would've been perfect; my brother (his friend) is away hunting and I know he usually hangs out at the firehall bar with him on Fridays or Saturdays. His birthday is coming up on Tuesday, so at least I could say something like I wanted to buy you a drink for your b-day. Not only that, I'd really like to go out tonight because I was just served with papers from my exmil again having to go back to court.....
I have been following your saga, and I honestly think you should wait to see if he shows more interest. He could be just a gentleman, and probably does not know the circumstances around your marriage, so to him it could seem shocking that you want to date already. I would make sure your brother casually tells him about your marriage, and then wait to see if he makes a move or not. Guys do like assertive, strong women, but part of that is making a move and then being able to sit back and see what happens. kwim? Is your brother going out with him for his bday? See if you can come along, and then see if he flirts with you that night...that is the best advice I have
post #29 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
The other thing is that I feel really yucky about myself. I used to be an athlete and I was in great shape. I am about 30 lbs heavier than I should be or want to be, I just started exercising again and I know that the weight will start coming off and my body will start getting back to its old self. I thought I would be able to get back in shape before dating but it just hasn't been a priority. I am not fat, I can still somehow fit into most of my old clothes but I am afraid I will be very self conscious and that he will think I am gross. I know thats so superficial and I am embarrassed to even be saying it...I have so much more to offer but I am still self-conscious about my body.

So, what do I do, ward him off for a while or just go for it and risk it? ds's preschool has date night this weekend - they watch the kids from 6-10 at night...I could go out with him then...
You really deserve this. Go for it! Ds will be fine. You need to be happy too. And you could meet someone you really like. And someday you might be able to create more of a family for ds. And if you guys get serious, hopefully he will understand that he needs to come over after ds goes to sleep. And he won't mind hanging out with ds, and he'll actually enjoy it. The first guy I dated after my divorce loved my ds, loved spending time with him, and loved me enough to put up with the screaming and fits at bedtime or whenever.

I know what you mean about your body. I used to have a smoke'n body. My boobs are now two sizes smaller, and not a beautiful My hips are a little wider and my skin is not as tight. But hey! This is the body I used to create a human being. What is more amazing than that? I LOVE this body! This body can do that, and to me that helps me love my body more now that I ever did. The only weird thing was that I had just stopped bfing my two year old when I started dating again, and, little did I know, there was still milk in my breasts! My bf at the time did not even tell me. I was so embarrassed when he did. Ce la vie.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!
post #30 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Sun View Post
You really deserve this. Go for it! Ds will be fine. You need to be happy too. And you could meet someone you really like. And someday you might be able to create more of a family for ds. And if you guys get serious, hopefully he will understand that he needs to come over after ds goes to sleep. And he won't mind hanging out with ds, and he'll actually enjoy it. The first guy I dated after my divorce loved my ds, loved spending time with him, and loved me enough to put up with the screaming and fits at bedtime or whenever.

I know what you mean about your body. I used to have a smoke'n body. My boobs are now two sizes smaller, and not a beautiful My hips are a little wider and my skin is not as tight. But hey! This is the body I used to create a human being. What is more amazing than that? I LOVE this body! This body can do that, and to me that helps me love my body more now that I ever did. The only weird thing was that I had just stopped bfing my two year old when I started dating again, and, little did I know, there was still milk in my breasts! My bf at the time did not even tell me. I was so embarrassed when he did. Ce la vie.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Thanks Spring Sun! I am going to go, not sure where we are going yet he is going to call today. If nothing else I will hopefully have a new friend. I'm excited that I get to go out!!! and while I am out my focus will not be split and I can actually have a conversation.

Yeah, the body thing, I actually feel like my body is stronger now since having ds and although I would like to be in better shape its not the end of the world...as a pp said guys aren't nearly as critical about out bodies as we are!
post #31 of 112
Not sure if this is the right place to post anymore. Had a miscarriage the 19th of November and since then, it has been really hard. My best friend Josh was there the whole time, helping me, and the beginning of December he asked me out. We had been doing really good, until xmas when he lost his phone. About a week later, he emails me and tells me that the girl he'd been crushing on forever finally started returning his feelings a couple months ago, but he didn't think about it till the holidays, and he decided he wanted to be with her. But he still wanted to be friends, even though he just totally screwed with my already unstable emotions. Never got an answer as to why he started something with me when a woman he wanted to be with forever finally wanted to be with him too. So I swore off men, and devoted all my time to my now 10 week old boxer named Tyson. Well, two of my cousins want to play match maker. One of them is like a sister to me, and I trust both of their judgements cause they know the pain I've been through and another heart ache is the last thing I need. So the four of us are getting together tomorrow night at the bar that my cousin drew bounces at and Bob cooks at. Bob is the guy they want to hook me up with. I'm just so scared because I'm really insecure right now. It's like I want to be in a GOOD relationship with someone that REALLY cares, and the only way I'm going to do that is to just bite the bullet and go out, but I'm still terrified.
post #32 of 112
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
OK Ladies - I need some friendly prodding!

This is my first time in the "dating" forum. I don't actually belong here yet because I haven't actually went on a date, but I have been asked by someone I am actually interested in seeing if I am interested.

So here is the thing, I met this guy online, I was encouraged by some of your stories of meeting quality people online. We seem to have a common outlook on life and both sort of stagger off the beaten path a bit. We have emailed several times but have not talked on the phone or met in person. He asked me a couple weeks ago to meet for coffee but I was going out of town- he just asked again and I am so torn about going. I am ready to be in a relationship, I would love to, but I am so worried about ds in this whole thing. As you all know, our kids are first, how do you balance that while dating someone? I don't have any time away from ds, if I go on a date he will have to be with a sitter, I don't have family around here either. I just can't imagine it working and part of me feels like I shouldn't even bother. I am away from ds enough as it is because he is in preschool while I work, I can't imagine leaving him with a babysitter so I can do out. I have this dream that I am going to meet a guy that loves us both and is ok with having ds with us most of the time....can't imagine that happening. I have checked this guy out pretty thoroughly online. He has been very upfront with everything and I actually know quite a bit about him and have visited his website and googled him. He has nephews and spends time with them and doesn't seem put off by me having a child at all. We have had nice email conversations and have quite a few cute coincidences like him having the same birthday as my son....so its been kind of flirty. So I am torn as I said and I don't know if I should bother because I can't devote too much time to it and I am a terrible "dater" anyway.

The other thing is that I feel really yucky about myself. I used to be an athlete and I was in great shape. I am about 30 lbs heavier than I should be or want to be, I just started exercising again and I know that the weight will start coming off and my body will start getting back to its old self. I thought I would be able to get back in shape before dating but it just hasn't been a priority. I am not fat, I can still somehow fit into most of my old clothes but I am afraid I will be very self conscious and that he will think I am gross. I know thats so superficial and I am embarrassed to even be saying it...I have so much more to offer but I am still self-conscious about my body.

So, what do I do, ward him off for a while or just go for it and risk it? ds's preschool has date night this weekend - they watch the kids from 6-10 at night...I could go out with him then...
((( HUGS ))) I am so in your same position but my dd is only one so I have only left her a handful of times. I do believe it is best to give yourself time to be ready to date. Once you feel ready go for it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by robinchap1 View Post
For what it's worth, I think you should go. Take advantage of preschool night and meet this guy and see... If you really hit it off and want to see him again, I would have a really open and honest conversation with him (or, if it's easier to start, you could send it in email and follow up with conversation) explaining everything you said in your post about your DS. (Or, if you're not sure after one date how you feel about sharing this but you want to see him again, you could always do it after the 2nd date if you're thinking you'll be wanting to spend more time with him). You gotta figure, either he's going to get it and be on board and ready to do whatever it takes just to spend time with you. Or he won't. And if he doesn't... he's not the guy for you. (This, mind you, coming from a woman who won't even call the guy I have a 3rd date scheduled with. I want him to call me. Totally insecure. )
Great advice!!! If I ever get to date I will need to remember this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuvMyLittles View Post
So stbx and I have been separated for over a year and are without a doubt getting divorced, but I have not put myself "out there" at all.

Right after Thanksgiving I went grocery shopping with the baby and used the light rail. Cute guy with cute toddler was at the same train station and got on with said toddler and homemade pizza on a cookie sheet. Train was crowded and I gave up my seat them because I could only imagine the disaster waiting to happen holding onto a small child with precariously balanced food while being jostled on an accelerating object. The three of us (baby was busy nursing in the mei tei almost the whole time) chatted about breastfeeding, sign language, good preschools, crime rates on the light rail and in the neighborhood we were headed to. Cute guy gives me his business card before he gets off train and invites me to tea.

I kept the card, but blew him off. He could be married. I don't have time for romantic entanglements, blah blah.

Just before I leave town for Christmas a friend calls and says there is an ad in the local "alternative" paper in the chance meetings section - about me. Sure enough, Cute guy says lovely things about me and says he will be sad if he never speaks to me again. My eldest dd tells EVERYONE and all tell me I should call.

Well, I was leaving town so I didn't call. My trip lasted longer than was planned because my dad ended up in the hospital while I was visiting. Then I had house guests. And the lo's father was in town to see them and I needed to be clear headed.

So anyway, I emailed him this afternoon. He emailed back that it was too late to call tonight, but he will call tomorrow.

I am so scared:
1. That he is another psycho - this would be a trend that has lasted almost two decades now
2. I will come off like a psycho
3. That I will come off like an idiot (he is a doctor - way more education than I have)
4. That he will want to move things onto a sexual level too fast
5. That I will move things onto a sexual level too fast because I am insecure about #3 and that is my stupid pattern (see #1)

I know that I am over thinking this and we are just going to a well lit public place to drink something warm and talk.

Talk me down a little and boost my ego a little - please.
This is such a wonderful start... give it a chance.
post #33 of 112
~
post #34 of 112

Dating - how was it when x met your sweetheart?

I've been dating a wonderful man for just over seven months now. He is the best thing that ever happened to me - sweet and kind, he adores my kids and they are totally in love with him too. I often joke with him that most men meet a woman, fall in love, and end up loving her kids, but that in our case he fell in love with my four year old and ended up loving me. Honestly I'm not all that sure it isn't true!

Anyway, their dad is uninvolved to say the least. In the past two years he has never gone to a band concert, volleyball game, marching band competition, softball game, awards assembly, open house, etc. etc. etc. In fact, when he saw them Christmas Day that was the first time he had seen them since Father's Day.

When I told my x that I was seeing someone (at that point we had been apart for four years and this was the first person I dated) he threw a fit. I got to hear everything from "He'd better not be spending more time with my kids than I am!" to "You'd better not be acting like a whore in front of my kids!" It was a simple case of he didn't want me, but hell if he wanted someone else to want me!

When my sweetheart and I started getting serious he offered to meet with my x. They actually had met several years ago through our kids, but he offered to sit down and talk with my x - to reassure him that he was a good person, only had the kids best interest at heart, and that he didn't want to do anything to displace their dad in their lives. At that point I shot the idea down, because x was being such a jerk about my seeing someone else, and since he wasn't seeing the kids anyway it seemed like a moot point.

There have been several functions where he said he was coming, my sweetheart was there, but he never showed up. Next week is my daughter's winter band concert, and I think he may actually come to this one.

Sooooo - when x and sweetheart come face to face for the first time, what do I do? Introduce them? Ignore it? Pray he sits on the other side of the auditorium? It seems silly to be nervous about this - we've been apart for over four years, but for some reason it feels like this is something that I have to handle right to lay a foundation on how things between them will play out for the rest of our lives....Of course, I'll probably get this all worked out in my head and he won't show up again.

Any thoughts or advice?
post #35 of 112
Oooh boy....I have experience with this one. My ex and my now-DH met after DH and I had been dating for about 8-9 months. Did not go over well, the only thing my DH said to my ex was "nice to meet you" and ex just ignored him while shooting me a dirty look.

I don't think they even crossed paths again until just a few weeks ago when DH and I met up with ex to hand off my son for Christmas break, and since ex had just gotten back from Iraq a few months ago, my DH (as he was switching my son's suitcase from our van to ex's rental) said "Hi, and welcome home" again, ex just shot me a dirty look and ignored DH.

Sigh...I think it is more of a pride thing with exes. Kind of a play on "if I can't have you...." Dunno...all I know is it's annoying and petty and time to grow up on their parts.
post #36 of 112
Don't really have much advice. DP has never met ex, and probably never will. DP has offered to meet ex, but ex isn't involved. DP was in court with me last summer, but ex never showed up (or else they would have met that day).

I say- if/when ex shows up to something that DP is at then introduce them. That's my vote anyway
post #37 of 112
I still follow this thread but haven't been posting lately. bf is totally rocking my world. He is just an amazing man and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is such an incredible fit for me at this time in my life. I alternate between feeling grounded and feeling like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff looking down--yikes. But he tells me it will be fine. And I tend to agree. Thanks for listening, mamas.




cycle, do you have a plan yet?
post #38 of 112

My Date Report....

So Mommas, I went on my date on Saturday. He is a very nice guy, we had really great conversation and had no lull at all and we had a really good time. I am a bit disappointed because there was just no spark at all for me...I am not all about looks at all, but there has to be something, I'm really into quirky, edgy guys, who are really smart. This guy is very smart, really worldly, pretty interesting, just no spark. He asked me to go out again and I think I will do lunch with him because he was really great to talk to - I think he may have been nervous so I am hoping maybe having lunch he will loosen up a little bit.

Its hard for me, ds's father and I had an amazing physical connection and we really have a lot of the same views on life...although things fell apart and he has really disappointed me with his lack of involvement with ds, I want the feeling I had with him back so badly.

Bleh...I don't know what I will do now, keep my eyes open.
post #39 of 112
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cycle View Post
So Mommas, I went on my date on Saturday. He is a very nice guy, we had really great conversation and had no lull at all and we had a really good time. I am a bit disappointed because there was just no spark at all for me...I am not all about looks at all, but there has to be something, I'm really into quirky, edgy guys, who are really smart. This guy is very smart, really worldly, pretty interesting, just no spark. He asked me to go out again and I think I will do lunch with him because he was really great to talk to - I think he may have been nervous so I am hoping maybe having lunch he will loosen up a little bit.

Its hard for me, ds's father and I had an amazing physical connection and we really have a lot of the same views on life...although things fell apart and he has really disappointed me with his lack of involvement with ds, I want the feeling I had with him back so badly.

Bleh...I don't know what I will do now, keep my eyes open.
I just recently had this same experience, THEN I started talking to someone else from match.com, and there are sparks over the email I have yet to meet him, but I have hope.

The other guy and I met for coffee, and there was no spark I felt frustrated, as if it never would happen, then this other guy came along..

I hesitate to write too much lest I jinx things
post #40 of 112
So Mr train man and I have talked a couple times on the phone. We're meeting for coffee tomorrow. I know I should be excited, but I am too busy probing everything he's said for signs of psychosis - and finding them.

Maybe I'm being too critical or I'm really not ready. Maybe there is an intense spiritual mismatch between liberal but devout Christian me and his amalgam of Eastern and New Age practices. Maybe he is just shy and very lonely and a little awkward - he wouldn't be the first very intelligent man I've met who is a little socially backward. Maybe he comes off as cold because he's a self centered, controlling egomaniac. Maybe he thinks he's some kind of Tantric vampire who will replenish his jing by sucking mine from my copiously lactating breasts - lol. A friend's suggestion that I get involved on almost a purely sexual level to avail myself of his knowledge of esoteric Chinese sexual practices seems too mercenary and "unchristian" - although amusing and mildly tempting.

Sigh - its just coffee, but I hope seeing him in person will be more clarifying.
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