January dating thread!!!! - Page 3

[Spring Sun]

Does he know that you are Christian? He is a dr, he has to be a little normal to get by like that. I live in weird-new-age capital, and most guys here are great I am also yoga teaching, ap-ing, buddhist, but hey. Pass him on to me if you don't find a connection I am totally kidding, I am already in love with someone.

But, give it a chance, you never know. Unless you are certain he is going to hell, in which case I would not bother bc you could never live with him believing that. Hope I am not sounding critical at all, I just know how important that is to some Christians.

[LuvMyLittles]

Spring Sun - You bust me up!

His doctorates are in Naturopathic and Chinese medicine, so he could be off what I would consider the deep end and (please don't let me offend anyone - there is heavy sarcasm here) very well believe there are aliens living under Mt Shasta who commune with the spiritually enlightened and tell them to write books in lavender ink about herbal enemas that will open up spiritual pathways in humanity so that our indigo children can bring us to a new level of consciousness. After our date he is going off to teach a class in channeling one's spirit guide to self proclaimed clairvoyants.

As far as his state of salvation - I would not presume to know the mind of God on such matters, though I do believe that He is more concerned with apostasy than ignorance or Jesus would have done a world tour. Honestly, Christ is everywhere and way less hung up on semantics than we are. And yes he knows I'm a practicing Christian and seems intrigued by some of the biblical interpretation that came up as we were discussing the names of our kids.

The real issues are patterns I am seeing when I compare him to my two ex husbands: wealthy family with little emotional closeness, self aggrandizement, promiscuous sexual behavior, obsession with love object, children as extensions of self (that others are primarily responsible for), even his physical appearance (tall with dark hair and blue eyes) as well as few other things. This guy has some similar qualities to those unhealthy choices from my past and I don't want some pc tolerance on my part to be masking the fact that I am fooling myself back into old patterns. If that is what I am doing - I am just on guard.

Maybe he is gentle, kind, generous, laid back and funny and my perception is skewed. Maybe y'all should come with me on this date since I don't trust my own judgment.

[robinchap1]

Cycle: Good for you for getting out! I'm glad you had good conversation. I would go for the lunch if you did enjoy yourself. 1-- you may find a new friend. 2-- I have found that sometimes sparks develop. Not always... but especially when I 1st started dating a bit, I never felt any sparks at 1st. I think I was just too nervous, too worried about DS, and getting used to the idea... it had been so long. The one guy I really enjoyed talking with, I did develop sparks for somewhere around the 2nd-3rd outing. It didn't go anywhere, but we are friends now and I'm really glad to have him in my life. Keep us posted, I was thinking about you, just hadn't had time to post.

Luvmylittles: You really crack me up! I think it's good that you're on the look out for old patterns. I actually have a degree in and practice Chinese Medicine and it doesn't play into religious beliefs for me at all. I wouldn't worry about that stuff. It can be just another system of medicine. I know plenty of MDs who practice some Chinese or Naturopathic medicine. Even the spirit guide stuff... I know some very cool, very down to earth people who are really into that sort of thing. It can be interesting to share perspectives. I agree that Christ/God/the universe/whatever you believe... it's everywhere and less concerned about the titles than we are. Some of the other stuff you mentioned does concern me though. I do know lots of people in these alternative fields who have some pretty big egos, like to be considered "Masters," think they have it all figured out, so to speak, and look down on others. But it sounds like you have your guard up and are being careful... Go, have fun, and fill us in!!!

Me... SO... I went on date #3 the other night. Oh... dear... I really feel like I could fall for this guy and it is a bit frightening! I have so much fun with him. And we can talk for hours. And there are definite sparks!!! I'm trying very very hard to be in the moment. To enjoy the time I'm spending with him and not think so much and wonder what this is, what it will be. It's still very early. I don't have to dive into anything. I can just take it slow and enjoy myself. I do think he likes me too... I think he is a little relationship gun-shy. I have never really done things like this. In my past, I've always fallen into relationships immediately without this dating phase. So it's all new and a bit uncomfortable. But really, I think it's good. You all might have to listen to me obsess and wonder as I bumble along here!

I've also realized on some new levels just how much my ex and the divorce has affected me in ways I hadn't realized before starting to date. I have much less confidence than I used to. I constantly think I will have ruined things with one wrong move... saying one stupid thing. I also have a fear that I'm a bad kisser!

Ok... this post is long enough. I might be back with some of this soon! I'm processing a lot. But date #3... very very good. I'm glad you guys are here.

[Zeta]

LuvMyLittles you are so funny.


But I also really hear your struggle with finding reality as you return to dating. Oh how I feel your pain there, sister. It's so hard. I think I posted a whole thread on that somewhere in this forum. You don't want to blow past red flags, but you don't want to invent them either. It's tricky because on the one hand we are REALLY clear we don't want to marry our exes all over again, but at the same time there are probably certain benign characteristics that we are attracted to and we may well find ourselves attracted to--say dark hair or a certain body type--without it meaning we've picked an emotional/mental duplicate of our ex. But of course there's the chance that we could also unconsciously pick emotional/mental similarities, which would be BAD, so we're easily spooked.

I say give yourself some real compassion for that painful spot you find yourself in. And also give yourself time to feel your way through it, and trust yourself that you will be able to sort through the different pieces of information as they come in.

Trust yourself also that even in the (unlikely) worse case scenario, that you do end up with a bad apple, that you and your child will be okay, that you have spiritual and other resources that can help you make something good of the adversity.

That's certainly something I have to tell myself, both as I look into the past (where there was abuse) and to the future, where I can't 100% foretell and prevent abuse. I will just do my best, keep my mind and my heart open, and trust that we will be able to move through what comes. I don't have to be perfect or clairvoyant, my best is good enough. I hope you can come to believe that too.

s

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

Oh... dear... I really feel like I could fall for this guy and it is a bit frightening!

Yay for you! I knew early on, too, with my now bf that I was falling, and I'm still scared. It's so scary after a relationship goes so horribly wrong to feel those strong feelings again.

I'll be here for you if you'll be here for me! This forum is so supportive. I rely on it!

[robinchap1]

Originally Posted by Zeta

I'll be here for you if you'll be here for me! This forum is so supportive. I rely on it!

Yes... that's a deal!!!

[Spring Sun]

Yea! I am glad everyone here is falling in love.

Originally Posted by robinchap1

I've also realized on some new levels just how much my ex and the divorce has affected me in ways I hadn't realized before starting to date. I have much less confidence than I used to. I constantly think I will have ruined things with one wrong move... saying one stupid thing.

I have the exact opposite problem. I look for reasons why he is not good enough for me. It is from how the divorce affected me. I have more confidence, and am too ready to run away and not risk anything. But I am doing fine, not acting on, getting over it. I think I have actually dealt with it, so that is good. Not so ready to walk out the door now, letting myself be open. Only took me five months Now totally in love, sure, confident. Life is good.

[lld]

What to wear?

I need to give a bit of background before my question - I am one of those 'crunchy' women who don't give much time or thought to appearance - however, I was not blessed to be one of those drop-dead-gorgeous hippie mammas that I see (and I'm sure some of you are!) I think of myself as one of those women you see in the before and after photos -I'm the before part

Most of my boyfriends when I was younger I met out on the trail and we just lived in nature and I never really thought about my appearance - then I moved to Africa and dated and eventually married a man from Africa, and let's just say the dating rules/etiquette were different. Now, a year and a half after my ex and I separated, I am going out for coffee with a man I 'met' online and I feel like I'm 12 again and have no idea what I am supposed to wear on a date! I did go out a few times with another guy I met online several months ago, but when we met we went hiking so what to wear wasn't a worry!

Appearance is unimportant to me - but I am starting to realize that a little wrapping on a plain box may keep someone interested in that box long enough to open it! All this background so I can ask, what do I do to my plain self for a coffee date?

[robinchap1]

lld... I HEAR YOU!!! I'm right there with you. Probably not much help, but here's what I've done. Don't know where you live, but in warm weather I always go with long skirt and sandals. This is my favorite 1st date outfit. It's casual, yet feminine. Can appear a little dressy, as though an effort was made, you know? Plus I feel comfortable. I live in New England and so right now that is out. I am not a nylons girl. Tights, on occasion, but it just doesn't do it for me like the skirt and sandals. So I've resorted to jeans and a sweater or other shirt for winter dating. I'm not much of a tight fitting girl, so I've found that a kind of loose/hippieish blouse that maybe has a V-neck with a necklace is a little sexy without being too suggestive or too "not me," you know?
I don't bother with make up. I am who I am and I don't wear it anywhere else, so may as well be up front. I do try to dry my hair and maybe put on a necklace or something. And a little light scent.

Good luck!!!

[robinchap1]

Ok, you wise women are going to have to help me. I'm having this problem where each time I go out with this guy (we've gone out 3x over the last 4 weeks or so) I have a GREAT time. I definitely think that's mutual. He always calls or emails the next day to thank me and tell me he had a great time. But then he doesn't call for days or up to a week. For some reason this is troubling me. I don't know why, I just somehow expect him to call more/sooner. I just feel so connected to him after our dates (which have been including more extensive kissing each time ) and want to connect more. When he doesn't call I go through the whole he must just not be that into me thing. But then when we go out again, I really feel like he IS into me.

I know if I want to talk to him, some of you might say that I should just pick up the phone and call him, right? I'm not there. I tortured myself over this after the last date and came to the realization that I need to feel more sure of him before being the initiator. I am very receptive and always return calls/emails right away. This is just where my comfort level is right now.

So I'm not really debating whether to call him. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if my expectations are unrealistic, if he really isn't as into me, or what's going on. Do I need to just relax and go with the flow?

I don't know if he's seeing other people. There's no reason he shouldn't be... we've only gone out 3 times... there's nothing relationship-like about this (or I think I would feel comfortable calling him). It's funny, I say I'm ok with casual dating as I get to know someone and that I want to move slow. Yet, by all appearances that is what is happening and I somehow seem to be uncomfortable with it. Except when I'm with him. I really like him. This is all very new territory for me. I've done hardly any dating in my life. I was always either in a relationship or not.

We have talked a good bit about our divorces and I know that he (like myself) was very hurt and I do think he could be a bit gun shy. I guess I just wish I knew if that was his reason for moving slow or if there are other reasons, you know?

My gut tells me that he is a good guy. I don't think he's slimy or anything like that. (Why I trust my gut after marrying my ex I don't know!!!)

Any thoughts?

It feels better just to tell you guys.
I guess I'm sad right now because I was hoping he would call tonight. But I don't want to be like that... waiting around for a guy to call and sad when he doesn't. I've been single and happy for 2 years...

Ok. Go ahead. Tell me I'm nuts!!!
Thanks for listening.

[nym]

I don't often post here too often, but I do read the thread every month! I figured I would get involved!

I met someone in November, and we have been in a relationship since the beginning of December. Things are awesome! I have so much fun with him, he makes me feel so happy. He works nights, so we don't have a lot of time, but I do try to spend as much as I can with him. He really appreciates the effort I put into going and spending time with him.

He had last weekend off, so he spent some time with me and my kids at my house. He has met them a few times before.. this time we spent the whole weekend together. He was awesome with my kids, (he has a 10 year old son that lives down south, so he has kids experience) and my kids LOVE him!

Originally Posted by Zeta

Yay for you! I knew early on, too, with my now bf that I was falling, and I'm still scared. It's so scary after a relationship goes so horribly wrong to feel those strong feelings again.

I feel like this. I realized that I love my boyfriend this last weekend when I saw the way he interacted with and treated my kids. The way he reassures me that the entire package (me, and my insecurities, my kids, my ex, my life) is what he wants and needs in his life..

I have been holding this in me. I recognize that I love him, I keep poking at it with a stick and seeing what happens. I am analyzing it to see how I feel about it. I have talked about this some with him. I told him today about it kinda, I think my analogy was "It's like this wall that I am poking with a stick.. sometimes a toothpick, and all these demons keep popping up and I have to fight them off and pick through their bones and then I can go back to poking at the wall with a stick.. you know?!"

Hahaha good thing he understands me!

Im rambling.. I just wanted to share!

[whateverdidiwants]

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway: if you want to talk to him, call him.

If he got hurt badly, too, it's probably nerve-wracking for *him* to have to be the one to do all the work as far as calling, etc. He may not be calling so much because you don't seem to be interested if you're not taking any steps to contact him.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by whateverdidiwants

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway: if you want to talk to him, call him.

If he got hurt badly, too, it's probably nerve-wracking for *him* to have to be the one to do all the work as far as calling, etc. He may not be calling so much because you don't seem to be interested if you're not taking any steps to contact him.

I agree. And I would also add, when you do talk to him let him know that you would like more regular contact. I think it's natural to want to sit back and let things happen, after you've been hurt, but it sets up a block to real communication and an imbalance. At this point, though, if you were to be honest and tell him you'd like to be talking more regularly, he would be like, then why am I the only one doing the calling?? I think for me part of wading into the dating world again has been getting reacquainted with my vulnerable spots and my courage to be myself anyway, letting the chips fall where they may.

[Spring Sun]

Robin-yes you should call him. Between all of our first few dates bf would call every single night and we would talk for hours. I think this went on for the first couple months. I would actually get worried if he didn't call one night. I think since it has been a month for you too, you need to do SOME kind of move, whether it is calling him to talk or ask him out again.

lld-you should wear something that makes YOU feel beautiful. Usually for me that is something new. But something that feels like me, you know?

[cycle]

Robin - call him! See if you calling him starts more regular contact, that will say a lot about what he is thinking too!

lld -Wear something that is YOU, and makes you feel comfortable and beautiful. How you feel is so important, if you don't feel beautiful you won't be comfortable.

nym- YAY for you! He sounds great, I hope things keep going well for you.

Zeta - I hope bf is still rocking your world!

[BelovedK]

so, I met someone really nice online.. I like him soo much and we email all of the time, and chat, and talk on the phone. We won't be able to meet for a while bc I am going to be having minor surgery, but the healing time is a month. I will give myself a week and then we can get together. We have already discussed what we are going to do on our first date

I hope, hope, hope that there is physical chemistry between us. If not, that will be weird. I have a feeling there will be though.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

so, I met someone really nice online.. I like him soo much and we email all of the time, and chat, and talk on the phone. We won't be able to meet for a while bc I am going to be having minor surgery, but the healing time is a month. I will give myself a week and then we can get together. We have already discussed what we are going to do on our first date

I hope, hope, hope that there is physical chemistry between us. If not, that will be weird. I have a feeling there will be though.

Oh - thats exciting. I hope there is a connection between you too! I also hope your surgery goes well and you have a speedy recovery.

I am new at internet dating and have the same worry as you, what if there is no chemistry. The guy I went out with on Saturday I really thought we would connect, but the physical attraction wasn't there for me at all. I have been talking to another guy for a while and he seems great but I am really afraid of there being no connection when we meet. With this guy though we are talking too, much more, so I have a better feeling about it.

Anyway - good luck!

[BelovedK]

I am meeting him for breakfast tomorrow morning I HOPE I like him in person (I hope he likes me)

We have been emailing and chatting ALOT today, I am excited!

[lld]

So, I'm supposed to have coffee with this guy tomorrow...and I've been trying not to think about it too much all week...but I have...and now the forecast says it's going to snow...maybe not so unusual in most parts of the country but I live in Georgia!!! Never thought I'd have to call a date off because of snow! : Should I call him and ask if he wants to reschedule or wait for him to call?

[Spring Sun]

Originally Posted by lld

So, I'm supposed to have coffee with this guy tomorrow...and I've been trying not to think about it too much all week...but I have...and now the forecast says it's going to snow...maybe not so unusual in most parts of the country but I live in Georgia!!! Never thought I'd have to call a date off because of snow! : Should I call him and ask if he wants to reschedule or wait for him to call?

I'd buy that if you lived in Chicago or Boulder. Weak excuse! Don't be timid, go for it!