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Originally Posted by zinemama
 I really think it depends on what AP means to you.
Women who follow the "attachement martyring" philosophy (which seems to require that no one but them be responsible for their children, 24/7 and that leaving them with anyone - including a partner - represents a mother's ultimate failure), tend to fall into the camp who extol the virtues of self-sacrificing in the name of AP. I'm not in that camp. I think that any way you do it, being a parent requires self-sacrifice. At least for the first few years you give up your sleep, your free time, and in many cases, your sense of self. I think this is true whether you are "AP" or "mainstream." I think that parents can do a lot of the "AP" stuff without feeling as if they are sacrificing more (or everything). A lot of it comes down to having a support system and being willing to take advantage of it. Women who believe their partners are incompetent or not to be trusted with their own children are going to end up doing a lot more sacrificing than women like me who, sure, nursed on demand, but also took time for myself, knowing that my babies were with their loving other parent. No matter what you do, parenting is going to result in burn-out to some degree. But I think that results less from the parenting philosophy you subscribe to than from your support system or lack thereof. |
AP isn't a checklist of things to do. It's about a general philosophy of raising kids in a respectful and loving manner while, at the same time, teaching them to be respectful of others. My goal is, quite simply, to raise compassionate, loving, well-adjusted children.
I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything to achieve this. Sure, there's some sacrifice in raising children, but this sacrifice applies to all parents save for the grossly negligent or abusive. My style of AP makes me no more of a martyr than my mainstream friends. Perhaps the biggest way I've come about this is to let go of the guilt.
Both DH and I work full-time out of the home. We split baby care evenly, as do we household chores. Due to work schedules, though, DH actually has more time alone with DD than I do. Fridays are their "bonding" days. My DH is a fabulous father and I do not feel one iota of guilt when I'm at work and she's at home with him. I have no problem leaving DD at home with him on the weekends, either, when I'd like to go out and shop or have lunch with a friend.
I give a lot to DD but I do not sacrifice my self to achieve this. During the last year of nursing (DD weaned at 28 mos), I had no qualms about telling DD she couldn't nurse at the moment because I was in the middle of doing something. I still met her needs but she also learned patience and the respect for my needs too. She moved into her own bed in her own room at 1 year because, quite frankly, the all-night nursing sessions were driving me nuts and I wasn't sleeping well. She transitioned just fine and, as I said above, went on to nurse another year and a half.
Now as a toddler, she's gotten challenging in other ways. She's in a phase where she's very rigid about which parent does what. Some days, she wants me to give her a bath. That's fine, except sometimes I'm busy doing something (cooking dinner, cleaning up, sometimes just relaxing, etc). We gently let her know that DH will give her a bath. Sometimes she accepts it, sometimes not. We are always kind and gentle to her but that doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything I'm doing simply because she wants me to do whatever it is. (Things like comforting when hurt or upset are different.)
This balance has worked well for our family. I feel that all of us are getting our needs met in the gentlest way possible. When DD was an infant she got much more of my attention because that was developmentally appropriate, but now that she's a toddler I feel that it's perfectly acceptable to help her learn to integrate our needs into her own.
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