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anyone know about custody,plz help! - Page 2

post #21 of 172
Thread Starter 
paternity has been established.

well, i've made the phone call and it's on record.
i dont know if im naiive or stupid for listening to my lawyer but he seems really competent and the GAL seemed to agree with everything he said.
they are telling me that its out of my hands until thursday and that everyday he has her without returning her is looking worse on him and better on me for the custody trial. i miss her terribly and ive never been without her for more than a few hours at a time. its devastating. all i do is worry and cry, but its almost over now.
i know my lawyer tried to get in with the judge sooner and so did the GAL. i think my ex bf has really hung himself on this one. at least i hope the judge sees it my way. its just a terrifying situation. my attorney advised me that i dont want to call my ex or have any contact because he is working on me getting the protective order back in place.
post #22 of 172
I would go and get her. Sit outside his door wait if I had too.
post #23 of 172
Thread Starter 
i hope that this agreement is legitimate enough in the judges eyes ....

since it doesnt mean much to the police.
post #24 of 172
Thread Starter 
Bunny- I'm afraid of him and any contact I have with him at this point is going to hurt me in being able to get my protective order back in place.
post #25 of 172
Honestly I would (sorry typo) would not just call the police I'd go down to the counter with a friend or family member and talk to them face to face show them the documents, express your concerns ask they go by and check on her tell them its eating you up (the don't want you going to his house and creating a serious domestic) bring a car seat for her and appropriate clothing....and ask for help
post #26 of 172
also make a diary of the times and dates of every incident, the phone call your emmotional state, everything. Type it up and see if you can put it in your file
post #27 of 172
Thread Starter 
well since i havent up to this point what will it look like (tues afternoon)

i have just been totally at the mercy of my attorney and the gal. they have both been great so far and i've just trusted them. i know they both went to the court house right away to see about getting in with the judge sooner and my attorney filed those petitions for me right away. thats why i didnt do anything else. i was told then..and then now on the phone, that they dont get involved in custody disputes without an order by the court. the only signature on this agreement is my former lawyers.
post #28 of 172
hang in there mama and thanks for sharing your experience.
I hope you get into court sooner
post #29 of 172
Well if he is scary or quick to temper then maybe you should go to his house and attempt to get the baby and just maybe he will get upset and yell at you and then you would be forced to call the cops on him and get yourself and the baby an immediate protection order. Take a friend just in case but i would keep trying. I'm not saying that lightly but when i was ready to leave i knew my ex lost his temper easily and it only took one quick argument for me to have to get the police and get the kids and i an order. Just a thought.
post #30 of 172
Thread Starter 
thanks for all your advice and opinions and ill let you know how this turns out.

if any of you believe in the power of prayer,say one for me and my little one tonight

thanks again!!
post #31 of 172
I will say a prayer for you both.

Just to let you know ex parte is not just for domestic violence. My lawyer filed one last week with one day notice to my ex in regards to filing for divorce.
post #32 of 172
Originally Posted by Sugar&Spice View Post
Well our court date is thursday.
my lawyer and the guardian ad litem are saying that i cant do anything til we get before the judge on thursday. they both are convinced that i will get her back then . gal thinks that my ex bf should still get one night a week with her after this .. but my lawyer seems to think the judge is going to look harder at this than her .. that he is going to be very upset. i know the gal claims to be upset. ive made it from tuesday til today. i have a few more days to go. i am sure he is taking good care of her and being responsible but i know ,and the gal said, she needs back in my care asap. i just have this fear in the back of my head that the judge will let him keep having her since shes already in his care and give ME visitation... do you know if the judge usually goes along with the GAL ?????

i just made a phone call and found out that the police will not get involved without an actual court order.

Your lawyer CAN FILE AN EMERGENCY ORDER and could have been in court at the end of last week for pete's sake. I don't understand why you are getting such bad advice, unless your state is really different from mine. I had a friends whose UAV ex husband would regularly get her into court on a days notice filing "emergency custody hearings" and hoping she wouldn't show -one time she didn't get the notice or the hearing and did miss it and he got emergency custody for several weeks until we could get back before the judge. Your ex took her and prevented you from access to her in violation of a good faith agreement whether or not it was court approved. He has a violent and criminal history. Frankly, given that you didn't have to give him any visit, you got bad advice on that score as well given his history. I don't know how this doesn't qualify as an emergency. Yes, a 7 month old taken from her primary caregiver is traumatized after 9 days. I am sure she has been very upset and crying more wondering where you are. Yes, you can heal it with time and lots of skin to skin cuddling, but she knows her mama and she is feeling your absence. I think you might need to call a domestic violence shelter and get a list of bulldog type lawyers who take this stuff seriously. Sounds like you got another dud.
post #33 of 172
Originally Posted by Sugar&Spice View Post
ok the way i just had it explained to me is that an ex parte is for an emergency when the child is in danger of domestic violence, and he has never abused our daughter ..

But the argument is that he has NEVER been responsible for her for more than a couple hours, she is a young baby who can only cry to get her needs met AND he has a violent history that could easily be turned on the baby and no one is supervising this first time ever extended visit, you don't know who is caring for her other than him if he works... I see a lot of angles here. If you don't get a good judge it will then be pretty hard to argue against overnights if he has had an extended vacation taking care of her. I do agree with someone here that you need to educate yourself on the laws of your state. Trusting one lawyer and a GAL and not checking the facts could leave you at a disadvantage in future proceedings. People are human even in the court system and they miss things. MDCer SheilaJolene had a similiar situation (more critical in that her child was breastfed exclusively and ex had no milk for her) and her lawyer advised her not to push things. SJ refused and found out at an emergency hearing where her lawyer refused to attend that mistakes had been made and her ex wasn't supposed to get the child overnight at all.

im now relying on hoping and praying for the best on thursday.
I am all for hope and prayer, but I am for proactive self education and advocacy too!
post #34 of 172
You may be at the mercy of the GAL, but you are by no means at the mercy of the attorney. That person is your EMPLOYEE. You can insist that they file an emergency motion. You can consult with another attorney and see if they agree with this course of action. Above all, educate yourself about your state laws.
post #35 of 172
Thread Starter 
My attorney tried to get into court sooner, as did the GAL. Unless they are lying to me. I'm in the state of Virginia . I will call my lawyer asap in the morning and find out what the heck is going on. I have been reading up on the laws in my state which is where I got my info about the ex parte only being in effect if she is in danger of physical violence.
post #36 of 172
I don't know what the rules are, but it seems incredibly messed up that he could essentially kidnap her from you without consequence for over a week. I'm hoping that you get your baby back soon. Keep being proactive, as squeaky as possible, until your precious baby is back.
post #37 of 172
I am so sorry this is happening to you.

When you say there was an "agreement" do you mean one that you both signed or one that you had agreed to orally but wasn't yet signed? Or, was it signed by you two just not yet a judge? I can see why the police won't do anything with one he hadn't signed. Dh's ex used to have her lawyer draw up "agreements" that no one had ever discussed and want them signed.

We didn't have a court order for years and just had casual arrangements. Our lawyer always told us that without a signed agreement either parent could take the child without consequence and police wouldn't have any order to enforce. I hope all goes well for you at court!
post #38 of 172
This is an important lesson to everyone who is in a custody battle with their x's, when you agree to visitation, ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS have it supervised! Have them come visit you in your home, your parents, cousins friends, who ever and don't let them out of your sight. This is how alot of men win primary custody of their kids by taking them, because the judge will usually place them in the home they are currently in. Had it been me, in your situation, I would take my chance walk into his house and have taken her myself, since there was no order in place, he couldnt do anything about it like you can't now. You might get some trespassing charges, but atleast you'll have your baby back. The cops wont do anything because there is no order in place they will just tell you its a civil matter, and that they cant do anything till there is a court order to follow.
post #39 of 172
Thread Starter 
Right ,it was a verbal agreement .. But my lawyer had sent a signed letter with all the information to all of us. Even the guardian ad litem, so even though the cops can't do anything about it, it should hold up in court .

Do you guys think he will be able to claim primary caretaker on thursday ? He will have had her for nine days, whereas before this I had her for two months. Not to mention that I was the primary caretaker in our home for the first five months of her life before I left him.

The GAL is pushing for him to have one night I week, I believe. My lawyer is pushing for five hours a week. They both think she should be in my primary care and returned to me on Thursday. Does that sound reasonable.
Even though it isn't court ordered agreement,won't the judge look down on him for not keeping his word, when I did.
post #40 of 172
I'm going to say something and I'm not going to sugar coat it. You're probably not going to like it so I apologize in advance.

What the h*ll are you doing posting online? Go get in a car/bus/taxi/whatever, go to his house and GET YOUR CHILD! Seriously! Ring his doorbell and say "I'd like to see my daughter please". If he freaks out- call the police. Say you are worried about the welfare of your daughter. Actually, call the police before you get there. Say you are going to pick up your daughter and you think there will be trouble from your ex. Don't say a word about the fact there is no court order. You keep insisting they can't do anything to help- but have you tried? I would have been on his doorstep every single day with the cops until I got one that was sympathetic and helped me. There's no way in the world I would let anyone (even his biological father) take my son for over a WEEK without doing everything I could to get him back.

Originally Posted by Sugar&Spice View Post
Right ,it was a verbal agreement .. But my lawyer had sent a signed letter with all the information to all of us. Even the guardian ad litem, so even though the cops can't do anything about it, it should hold up in court .
So it was a letter signed by who? Just your lawyer? His lawyer too? You and ex? If it was just signed by your lawyer than I have my doubts that it will hold up in court. Lawyers can be slimy people who do incredibly gross things. My ex's lawyer tried to slide a set of papers by us, to be signed by the Judge, saying the Judge ordered a ton of stuff (including overnight visits) when the Judge NEVER ordered any of those things. Just because YOUR lawyer drew up some papers and signed it, doesn't mean that ex and his lawyer agreed to them (verbally is SO much different than on paper).

Do you guys think he will be able to claim primary caretaker on thursday ? He will have had her for nine days, whereas before this I had her for two months. Not to mention that I was the primary caretaker in our home for the first five months of her life before I left him.
He might. But even if he isn't able to claim primary caretaker he can try to prove to the Judge that he has the ability to care for the baby for at least 9 days in a row. And the baby obviously survived it. If you have a sh*tty judge it is possible they look past the fact he kidnapped her and instead order him visits.... for up to 9 days at a time. I'm sorry to be the one to say it but by not going over there the FIRST DAY he refused to give her back, you more or less said to the court "It's okay with me that he keeps her for 9 days".

Think of it this way.... take this situation with 2 different sets of people. Set A kinda whines about the fact ex took the baby, talks to lawyer and GAL about getting a closer court date but settles for whatever they told her, and then shows up in court. It is possible (not saying it's going to happen, but it's possible) the Judge sees this and decides that the mother obviously wasn't *that* concerned about the welfare of the child during those 9 days, and the baby did survive it, so she can handle 9 day visits. And then orders the baby to be at one house for 9 days, then switch to the other house for 9 days.

Set B has a mother who FLIPS OUT as soon as ex refuses to return child. She's on his doorstep every day demanding to see her child. She involves the police EVERY SINGLE DAY in trying to retrieve her. She is in the courthouse begging for help and setting up an emergency motion, even if it's without the help of her lawyer. The Judge sees this and realizes this mother is obviously very distraught and seems to have done everything in her power to get her child back, which could mean she was very concerned about the welfare of her child. In this case ex looks like the a$$ for keeping the mother from seeing the child for 9 days and is ordered supervised visits.

Even though it isn't court ordered agreement,won't the judge look down on him for not keeping his word, when I did.
I would never, EVER, count on what you think a Judge will/should do. Yes, it would be nice if the Judge ripped your ex a new a-hole. But if you're sitting back counting on it.... you may be terribly surprised.

I'm sorry if this post sounds really mean. But I cannot understand at all why you are not over at ex's house right now? And yesterday and the day before....

Is your dd in daycare? Does ex work? If so, who watches DD when he's at work? In the last week he had to have left her at some point in time. It is perfectly legal for you to go to her daycare/whatever and pick her up. I don't see why you haven't?

I wish you luck, dear. I hope your dd is doing okay and can heal from this trauma.
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