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anyone know about custody,plz help! - Page 3

post #41 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
I'm going to say something and I'm not going to sugar coat it. You're probably not going to like it so I apologize in advance.

What the h*ll are you doing posting online? Go get in a car/bus/taxi/whatever, go to his house and GET YOUR CHILD! Seriously! Ring his doorbell and say "I'd like to see my daughter please". If he freaks out- call the police. Say you are worried about the welfare of your daughter. Actually, call the police before you get there. Say you are going to pick up your daughter and you think there will be trouble from your ex. Don't say a word about the fact there is no court order. You keep insisting they can't do anything to help- but have you tried? I would have been on his doorstep every single day with the cops until I got one that was sympathetic and helped me. There's no way in the world I would let anyone (even his biological father) take my son for over a WEEK without doing everything I could to get him back.



So it was a letter signed by who? Just your lawyer? His lawyer too? You and ex? If it was just signed by your lawyer than I have my doubts that it will hold up in court. Lawyers can be slimy people who do incredibly gross things. My ex's lawyer tried to slide a set of papers by us, to be signed by the Judge, saying the Judge ordered a ton of stuff (including overnight visits) when the Judge NEVER ordered any of those things. Just because YOUR lawyer drew up some papers and signed it, doesn't mean that ex and his lawyer agreed to them (verbally is SO much different than on paper).



He might. But even if he isn't able to claim primary caretaker he can try to prove to the Judge that he has the ability to care for the baby for at least 9 days in a row. And the baby obviously survived it. If you have a sh*tty judge it is possible they look past the fact he kidnapped her and instead order him visits.... for up to 9 days at a time. I'm sorry to be the one to say it but by not going over there the FIRST DAY he refused to give her back, you more or less said to the court "It's okay with me that he keeps her for 9 days".

Think of it this way.... take this situation with 2 different sets of people. Set A kinda whines about the fact ex took the baby, talks to lawyer and GAL about getting a closer court date but settles for whatever they told her, and then shows up in court. It is possible (not saying it's going to happen, but it's possible) the Judge sees this and decides that the mother obviously wasn't *that* concerned about the welfare of the child during those 9 days, and the baby did survive it, so she can handle 9 day visits. And then orders the baby to be at one house for 9 days, then switch to the other house for 9 days.

Set B has a mother who FLIPS OUT as soon as ex refuses to return child. She's on his doorstep every day demanding to see her child. She involves the police EVERY SINGLE DAY in trying to retrieve her. She is in the courthouse begging for help and setting up an emergency motion, even if it's without the help of her lawyer. The Judge sees this and realizes this mother is obviously very distraught and seems to have done everything in her power to get her child back, which could mean she was very concerned about the welfare of her child. In this case ex looks like the a$$ for keeping the mother from seeing the child for 9 days and is ordered supervised visits.



I would never, EVER, count on what you think a Judge will/should do. Yes, it would be nice if the Judge ripped your ex a new a-hole. But if you're sitting back counting on it.... you may be terribly surprised.

I'm sorry if this post sounds really mean. But I cannot understand at all why you are not over at ex's house right now? And yesterday and the day before....

Is your dd in daycare? Does ex work? If so, who watches DD when he's at work? In the last week he had to have left her at some point in time. It is perfectly legal for you to go to her daycare/whatever and pick her up. I don't see why you haven't?

I wish you luck, dear. I hope your dd is doing okay and can heal from this trauma.
I totally agree with Steph - I would have been over there the evening he didn't return her. I think allowing him to keep her for a week without going over to get her may end up hurting you in court. I would go over there NOW and get her. Just be matter of fact and call the police and tell them he has a history of domestic violence and that you would like them to accompany you to go get her.

I think you are getting really bad advice from your attorney and the GAL and that you need to do damage control. It is incredibly cruel to keep a baby from her primary caregiver abruptly.

As Steph said, do not count on the judge being fair or logical when it comes to your case. Though there are those here that will disagree, judges tend to side with fathers if they are pursuing custody regardless of the mother's relationship with the child.
post #42 of 172
Looking for an update, i was hoping you would take my advice and now Stephs too. I'm sorry but i truly think that by waiting it out, it is a bad idea. He can now prove that he can care for that baby for several days and nights in a row and i bet that his lawyer told him to do this. Again if i were you i would head over to this place and make a scene about picking that baby up and him refusing and having that agreement with you. Stay until you get her.
post #43 of 172
Steph's post is powerful and full of good advice. I hope your babe is back with you soon.
post #44 of 172
Thread Starter 
I can't go to his house because my lawyer is working very hard at getting my protective order against him reinstated.

My ex runs his own business so he pretty much works at his leisure. im sure the child is being cared for. i dont have that worry. i dont want to go look crazy and go nuts. thats not going to look good on me. my gal is advising that as hard as it is, i know she is safe so i need to be rational. no one seems to really understand that it is out of my hands til thursday. everyone is convinced that my ex is going to pay for what he did. and yes, the agreement was only signed by my lawyer, sent out to everyone. i did make several phone calls asking for her return til finally the gal called me and said that hes not going to give her to me til the tenth so i should stop trying. but that on the tenth i will get her and they will set up the court order,hopefully giving me temp custody and him limited amount of visitation. once again, i am not worried about her safety. he and i lived together for the first five months of her life and he was involved in taking care of her. the gal and my lawyer are also both pushing for me to have custody. i doubt the judge will consider him the primary caretaker, you have to look at the way he obtained her. breaking a good faith agreement. the judge isnt going to look lightly at that. i know alot of you think i need to be going over there but that would be a dangerous situation and i wouldnt get the outcome i would want.. not over there and not in court.
post #45 of 172
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post #46 of 172
I just can't imagine how stressful and scary this must be

I have no advice since I am certain I'd be that lunatic mama and not keep my head. I hope the fact that you've kept yopur head and wits about you works for your case! I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.

Support for you!
post #47 of 172
I wish you luck and many prayers.

One thing my lawyer told me was even a sure thing is never a sure thing. Whenever she would be convinced she could sway the judge one way the judge would order in a total opposite way. She told me that you can never, ever know how a judge will rule. She is always surprised. I had several witnesses, police and even federal agents who witnessed abuse from my ex and i still didn't get the restraining order. My lawyer was sure i would get it. The judge ruled otherwise.I did not get the order. Just do not rely on the words of your lawyer or the Gal, be prepared for either direction.
post #48 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar&Spice View Post
Bunny- I'm afraid of him and any contact I have with him at this point is going to hurt me in being able to get my protective order back in place.
This slays me.

I can't for the life of me figure out how you can be afraid of him and yet not be doing everything in your power to get your child back.

Enough of the hope and prayers. Be proactive.
post #49 of 172
In regards to ex parte hearings this is directly from a VA website

In some circumstances, the Court is permitted to hear and rule upon motions for temporary injunctive relief ex parte. These circumstances include, but are not limited to, motions for emergency protective orders under 16.1-253 and 16.1-253.1, and other circumstances where irreparable harm could occur in the absence of temporary injunctive relief.

In all cases where temporary injunctive relief is requested ex parte, counsel for the moving party is required to notify the Court if he/she has any actual knowledge of the Defendant being represented by legal counsel. Additionally, counsel for the moving party must give opposing counsel actual notice, by any reasonable means, of the motion for ex parte injunctive relief and the date and time scheduled for hearing.


Ex parte is not just for protective orders. Why would i personally file one?because your baby daughter who has been solely in your care for 2 months and is only 7 months old was sent for a short visit with her father and he has not returned her and now her primary caregiver has not seen her for x days. This is highly traumatizing for the baby, and you can find all sorts of articles on this and it's wellbeing. A judge would see this considering that new babies need their mama's all the time and typically no overnight visits are given to dad's until around one year of age. But in my opinion now that the dad can prove he can care for the baby for several days in a row he will rule differently.

Just remember we are all speaking from personal experience and lawyers do not and can not give guarantees. I personally found more info then my lawyer did and she has years of experience. She used what i found and thanked me for being so helpful because it is hard for even her to know everything.
post #50 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by happyhippiemama View Post
This slays me.

I can't for the life of me figure out how you can be afraid of him and yet not be doing everything in your power to get your child back.

Enough of the hope and prayers. Be proactive.
post #51 of 172
Yeah, me too. I hear there is a protective order trying to get put in place... and that means it's even MORE urgent to go nuts trying to get this baby back.

I assume that this fiasco has weaned the baby? Another SERIOUS shame.
post #52 of 172
I think the problem is your seem to be relying heavily on this "good faith agreement" when he can just deny that he ever agreed to it. He didn't sign it. Dh's ex would have her lawyer draw up papers for us to sign that gave vistation days and child shall call mother on this day and this time, etc. Things that we had never discussed. We'd send back a letter with our changes. She'd send back one with hers. Until it is signed, it is not agreed upon. Even after we leave mediation in agreement, the mediator says, have your lawyer draw up the papers immediatly (today) before someone changes their mind!
post #53 of 172
As Steph said, do not count on the judge being fair or logical when it comes to your case. Though there are those here that will disagree, judges tend to side with fathers if they are pursuing custody regardless of the mother's relationship with the child.[/QUOTE]


Actually this was studied and there is a book about it. Most dad's don't fight for custody, but when they do 80% win. Sad, but true.
post #54 of 172
oops double post
post #55 of 172
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post #56 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avani View Post
I wish you luck and many prayers.

One thing my lawyer told me was even a sure thing is never a sure thing. Whenever she would be convinced she could sway the judge one way the judge would order in a total opposite way. She told me that you can never, ever know how a judge will rule. She is always surprised. I had several witnesses, police and even federal agents who witnessed abuse from my ex and i still didn't get the restraining order. My lawyer was sure i would get it. The judge ruled otherwise.I did not get the order. Just do not rely on the words of your lawyer or the Gal, be prepared for either direction.

Avani is totally right here. You are taking assurances from two people who can't possibly give them to you. Having been through this with a couple friends I can tell you that judges are capricious and you can't ever count on them to do what seems the obvious best thing. They often favor dads. They often don't want to change status quo once its been established, even if that status quo was in a forced traumatic dynamic as yours has been. You should be all over the internet researching your states laws and asking the advice of mamas who have been there. And that self-education should be given as much weight in your decisions as anything your lawyer and GAL say.

I will certainly pray for a good outcome Thursday, but 9 days with a dad who runs his own business and can take care of his child just makes him looks stronger, not weaker. The courts respect court orders and you don't have one. Your first lawyer really messed you up by not getting your ex's attorney's signature on this agreement and filing it with the court. My friend's legal aide lawyer did this to her and the exact same thing happened. Her ex ignored it and the court did too. I hired her a new lawyer at my own expense because I knew her child was NOT safe in that home and the legal aide lawyer was lousy and not taking the threats seriously. It took MONTHS to get joint custody back and she never did get full rights as he now gets the girl four days of seven whereas before she had her all the time and dad had two weekends a month.
post #57 of 172
[QUOTE=KJoslyn78;10212110]no offense - but i am offended by this. Not all father's are bad (i don't mean the case of the OP - just father's in general).

I'm not saying the OPs ex deserves custody - but don't knock all dad who do fight for custody - cause some truly deserve it




I can't see why you are offended. I never said all fathers are bad. I said that it has been documented that 80% of fathers who contest custody will win, regardless of what kind of father they are. If the courts were fair, then it should be 50/50 who ends up winning primary custody between mother and father. But, they aren't fair and in this case this guy is an abuser with a violent and criminal history so clearly not one of the good guys! But, he will still have an 80% chance at getting the child, esp. since it seems he has a better attorney who is outsmarting the OPs at every turn. Oh and that book I mentioned with these stats was written in the 80s. Dads were winning then too. My own drug selling, violent, horrible father won every single time he took my mother to court. He also tried to steal me from her, but I was old enough that I made such a row at the airport that he gave up and sent me home.
post #58 of 172
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post #59 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by KJoslyn78 View Post
cause you made it seems as if it was a "sad" thing for father's to win custody... peroid. I agree that i dont think that they should win - just cause they try... yk?
Thats all she was saying, that just because they try they win and that shouldn't be the case but it is. Even in cases where they have not been the primary caregiver if a father fights for custody most of the time he will get it. Even when mom is the primary caregiver and mom has no issues - not abusive, etc. and is a great parent.

I didn't see anything to be offended by.
post #60 of 172
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
I assume that this fiasco has weaned the baby? Another SERIOUS shame.
I'm not certain the baby is breastfed. At least exclusively. Someone asked before and the OP didn't respond to the question. I assumed (quite possible wrongly) that she was not BFing so she chose not to address it.

I still offer the OP my cyber support. It isn't BTDT support or IRL support, but it is what it is.
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