AP is making our lives miserable

[pixiewytch]

Where do I start? We didn't consciously choose to go the AP route but DD seemed to choose it for us. She wouldn't sleep in her crib without crying as soon as I set her down in it or fifteen minutes later about ten times a night so around four months I reluctantly brought her into our bed. We have always BF on demand which seemed like a laid back approach for all of us. To my disappointment, she has never taken a bottle, a paci, nothing but me. Now she is a little over a year old and I'm seriously going to lose it. I've been to many LLL meetings where I've learned the mantra "this too shall pass". It really helped me through those frequent transitions in the beginning but now enough is enough. I'm ready to have my life back. I feel like I still have a newborn in bed with me. She nurses throughout the entire night. If I roll over because one side is sore from lying there too long, she feels me stir and cries again to be nursed. DH and I have no intimacy. She will only be nursed to sleep for naps and now only in our bed. She refuses a nap anywhere else, not on a couch or anyplace except maybe the car.

To put things into perspective there is a band I would like to see in concert next month. A year ago they came and I couldn't go because I couldn't leave her here without me. A year has passed and I still can't go for the exact same reason. People tell me "oh, well, just leave her with DH for an hour or two". Well, she needs a nap in the morning, in the afternoon, and then bedtime....so when exactly does that squeeze out anytime for me to go anywhere? Most of the things I would like to do don't fit into her schedule and going out to watch the clock the whole time kind of defeats the purpose. DH and I haven't been out alone since she has been born. Although we could leave her with family for an hour or so to go out to dinner, they live too far away to make that practical.

DH and I live in two separate worlds lately. The more DD refuses to bond with him the more reluctant he is to take her. He works long hours so I have the luxury to stay home and I spend every waking hour with her attached to me or crying and a five year old who doesn't understand why we yell at him every time he wakes her up because she is a light sleeper. It is awful to just get her to sleep and have someone wake her up so that I have to go lie down for another thirty minutes before I can detach myself. It literally makes me angry.

Ladies, I don't think this is healthy for my emotional and mental wellbeing at this point. I'm starting to regret doing AP at all. I'm not saying that I disagree with it but it clearly isn't working out for me. I need some freedom of movement, freedom of spirit, which I absolutely don't have. DS was totally different so it isn't being a mother per se that is the issue, it is this style of parenting. It is draining me away. So what the hell do I do? I feel like it is terrible to try something different cold turkey like CIO which will inevitably be traumatizing for he when it is my fault she is so dependent on me to begin with.

Support seems hard to find although I'm looking in all the right places. Other AP moms sort of listen to my complaining as a non issue for them. It doesn't bother them to cosleep, stay attached to their babies all night, etc. They know that one day they will be older and it will be different. Yeah, yeah, I've been to enough LLL meetings to know the whole spiel. I just don't know if I can wait until she is three, four, or five. I want to live my life now which I seemed able to do with DS but this one has thrown me for a loop.

And if that sounds a little too, I don't know, selfish, please know that I'm not expecting to go out every day, every week, or every weekend for that matter. I would just like to be able to go see a concert every now and then without my entire brood with me, or go shopping for several hours, or DH and I go out for a romantic dinner. Is that so unreasonable?

[shayinme]

i'm just waking up so I will post later, but I will say that you have wrote the post that I have had in my head for well over a year now. You are not alone at all in your thoughts. More later...

Shay

[kalisis]

Mama - I have to run but I wanted to say that AP isn't about putting your needs on the back burner completely. It sounds like you need to make some adjustments to your life and start making some rules. Perhaps night weaning is a solution? It might e tough for the first little while, but it might give you the head space you need in order to better handle the day issues?

In my mind, AP is about respecting everyone's needs, your children's, your family's and yours as well. Sounds like you are not giving yourself much in the way of room for your own needs.

For what it's worth, my first, DS was exactly like your daughter. I did what I thought was best, but really, I should have taken some time for myself too. It was like I was a non-person for several years. I can so relate to how you're feeling.

[aprildawn]

My second was like what you're describing. I had plenty of moments where I regretted starting down the AP road. At 18 mos things started to get better. Also, I let DH put her to sleep sometimes when I couldn't take it anymore. She cried, but she was in her daddy's arms, and she was over a year old. If the crying was too much or frantic I'd usually take her back from him. But often it worked. Their bond grew, and now she can go either way when it comes to bedtime, bathtime, or playtime!

I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

[momoftworedheads]

Mama,

AP is not about doing it all yourself! Let DP have some one to one time with your wee one. Spend some time doing something for yourself. Start with 30 minutes a day. Take a walk, a bath, or just go into another room and do something for yourself! At this rate, you are going to burn yourself out!

If daughter is over a year, give her some healthy snacks and a drink and let Dad do that with her while you have some time to yourself. Have Daddy/daughter day. Have Dad take her on a walk, take her on errands. Change the pace a bit.

Make plans to go to the concert and keep them. Look for friends who support you and your needs, no matter what their parenting philosophies are. Your family needs you, but they also need you to feel good and be happy!

Also, could you find a mother's helper/babysitter so you and Dp could get out as a couple at least 1x a month? I think that going out together is so important. One good way to find a babysitter/helper is through a homeschooling group or local high school.

Best wishes mama. I wish I could give you a hug IRL.

Take care,

[GuildJenn]

Hey, that's rough.

I think sometimes we lose the P, for Parent, not mother, in AP. Dr. Sears's charmed life aside, there is in MY opinion no reason not to let your DP take your baby for a few hours. She may be unhappy and she may not have the perfect nap, etc. But she will be in the arms of someone who loves her - her dad - and learn to attach to and trust him as well.

I'll share my story on that one - when my son was about 10 mos old I was given tickets to a show I wanted to see and I cried all the way down to leave him with HIS FATHER, mostly because it was at night, and how would he nurse and go down? He never, ever took a bottle, slept for anyone else, etc.

When I got home he was asleep and just fine. My husband had tried a lot to get him to take EBM and finally they settled on a spoon - so my husband spooned 6 oz into him, spoon by spoon. Then my son went to sleep. That was the first night ever in his life he slept more than 4 hrs consecutively. And it was fine.

Don't be afraid to take a leap now and then - part of all the wonderful attaching work you have done is that your child DOES have the love and trust to adjust. It is NOT the same as a newborn that hasn't had any alternatives to nursing, has no concept at all of object permanence, etc.

Second, if you need permission to start nightweaning, you have mine. Sometimes sanity requires it, y'know? There are good links in the nighttime parenting forum I think.

[BMG580]

I think balance is key. I made a lot of the same choices with my DD that you have made with yours and I didn't sleep for almost 18 months. I know that sounds dramatic but I don't count an hour here and there as "real" sleep. I was really tired, so tired I think I can't remember a lot of the early months because they are such a blur. I am pregnant again and due very soon and I know I will be doing things differently this time. This doesn't mean that I won't incorporate AP principles because AP really is what I feel is the natural and normal way to parent children. But I know that I am important too now and I can't completely self-sacrifice again.

My life change completely when I got my DD on a more established eating routine. Just nursing whenever she wanted got out of control and all I was doing was sitting around nursing a toddler. We made the first switch to getting her to sleep without the breast by starting a very specific and lengthy bedtime routine. We were obsessive about doing exactly the same thing every single time she went to bed and giving her a good half hour to wind down. The first few weeks were rough but we stuck with it and eventually the routine cued her for sleep instead of the breast. We did the transition very, very slowly starting first with incorporating bfing into the routine and then slowly removing it and emphasizing the other parts. We also went from nursing to sleep to holding her to sleep to being able to put her down and she put herself to sleep.

I just don't think you should feel bad for taking ownership of your own needs. It isn't like you want to drop her off in a room and let her scream for hours. The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers helped me create the routine that we used (and still use to this day!) and gave me a jumping off point.

[veganf]

Personally, for just a few hours, I'd go do what you want to do. She will be fine for a few hours with her father. They will work out their own method for sleeping if given the opportunity.

[keriberry]

I've been down this road with my 2nd. In fact, I was so absorbed with meeting his needs that I didn't realize that I was pg until #3 kicked me at 19 weeks. They are 1 year 10 days apart. I cried like I've never cried in my life. But, I think it was good for us. #3 was an easy baby, so #2 could still have plenty of attention. But, all-night nurse-a-thons had to stop. At 1, they understand infinitely more than they can communicate. I told him that we would nurse when the sun came up after nursing him down for bed. Of course, I rocked him and soothed him during all this. He started waking up at 5am and excitedly pointing out the window...at the sun. I was a better mother b/c I could rest more. Although for me, the rest I needed wasn't sleep. Just a rest from nursing. I nursed from 10/00 until 12/06 without a break. The boobs were ready for a mini-vacation.

Try to find baby's happiest times and hook her and daddy up then. Does she like to ride in the stroller or be carried around the neighborhood. 30 minutes every night would be wonderful for you. Maybe they could bathe/shower together nightly. I know that you're tired...RIGHT NOW! But, it will get better very soon. The tide should be turning any day now.

[pixiewytch]

Wow, I'm already feeling a little better. JEB, thanks for sharing your nighttime weaning routine. We already started something like that where I set up DD's crib mattress next to ours with her stuffed animals. I've tried reading her a story and nursing her to sleep there but she has caught on and now insists on climbing into our bed instead of sleeping in hers...so I wonder if we should have her in our room at all, or maybe it is just a long process.

I think I am definitely ready for nighttime weaning. It is just out of control and she knows no other way to sleep. During the day I can almost handle because she doesn't nurse constantly but nighttime is the worst...

and I think I will make plans to go see the show. I still feel nervous about it and DH will have a fit but I think I deserve it after this long.

Keep the suggestions coming since I need some changes and I'm just not sure where to start.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by veganf

Personally, for just a few hours, I'd go do what you want to do. She will be fine for a few hours with her father. They will work out their own method for sleeping if given the opportunity.

I agree with that. I also had a very high needs infant who chose some AP things I wasn't intending to do, and she'd just started solid food at 12 months so it was hard to leave her. And she and my husband had a hard time bonding at first. But you know what? I did leave her a bit here and there, and first with him for 2 hours or so at a time, and once I did that they started to bond. They are adorable together now.

So not only do I think you should start getting some time to yourself, I think it would be good for your dd and her daddy to have time alone together without you overseeing their interactions. I would start by leaving her with him here and there and once she'd used to that leave her with a grandma or grandpa or an aunt or uncle (someone she knows pretty well) for a few hours at a time. She's got an older brother who would be with her so it should go really well.

Really, it'll be OK.

[EviesMom]

Another :

She's old enough to be left with a supportive caregiver and figure out a combo of solids, maybe expressed breastmilk in a cup that works for the two of them. Things that helped my dh get dd to sleep when young: stroller and carrier. Motion and change of scenery helped a lot.

I have a friend who, when his dd cried for Mama said "let's go look for her" and it turned into a regular game for them while Mama was out. They visited their neighbors, local grocery store, etc and "looked for Mama" everywhere. Basically an extended game of peekaboo until the toddler fell asleep.

[HikeYosemite]

I could have posted this 12 years ago, your baby sounds so similar to my first. It was extremely difficult--especially with no grandparents or other family nearby to offer support. Your child might be too old for what worked at times for us, but we found by accident something that worked to put him to sleep at times. (We were pro-AP, but this is not an AP technique--but it worked.) When he got past the point of overstimulation, when he was inconsolable, and even nursing wouldn't put him to sleep (or he wouldn't let me nurse him and leave him to nap), a vibrating bouncy seat that made a lot of white noise, in a dark room, did the trick. He has symptoms of SID, and sometimes just being left alone was necessary to keep him from getting overstimulated. We did this only for naps, but it gave me a break at times (and gave him his much-needed sleep).

At night, our son always slept in the bed with us--he would have it no other way. He didn't keep waking all night long forever, but he did wake occasionally past the age of 3. We sometimes had to take those 3 am car rides on the freeway to get him back to sleep. Now we laugh about it, but it wasn't funny then! (BTW, he is an intense child still, but now it is hard to wake him up at night--we fear he'd sleep through a fire alarm!)

I noticed once with the youngest of our babies (then a newborn), when we were at a gathering of friends on a very hot day, that she nursed and fussed continually as long as I held her. When a friend took her, she was able to relax and fall asleep. I don't know why that was, but it seemed that my proximity to her kept her feeling the need to nurse continually. And our middle child got to an age where she was so distracted by our presence in the bed that we found she slept much better in a crib and seemed quite content there. (She did this only for a few months.) I much preferred having the babies in bed with us, but everyone needs their sleep. I think that sometimes we have to forgive ourselves and see that a little time apart from our babies is not necessarily damaging to them.

I do hope you find something that works. It is incredibly difficult to be needed so intensely by a child day and night. We all need time for ourselves!


(You might find more ideas for nighttime weaning in the book How Weaning Happens by Diane Bengson.)

[monkey's mom]

I will throw out there that there might be something else going on with her. My kids have lots of food allergies and when they've gotten a BIT of dairy (or other allergens), they behave just as you described--light sleep, nurse all night, clingy, fussy, etc. When their systems are clear it's like night and day.

So, you many want to consider diet/food issues. Esp if there are any other signals--red anus, rough skin, cradle cap, red/dry patches of skin (esp on face), loose or mucousy stools, runny nose, rubbing her nose a lot, eczema (behind ears, elbows, knees especially), or any blood in stools.

That said, I worried a LOT less about regular, lay-down naptimes with my second. He slept on the go, in the sling, in the car, or wherever he just sort of fell out. And he got to the point where he could sleep through fireworks.

You might consider less napping for her, too. That sounds like a lot of naps for a one year old. Maybe she'll sleep more soundly at night if she's napping less during the day.

And maybe your dh can walk her around to get her to sleep a few nights--that way you could have a break and get to your concert knowing that they've got it handled.

Hang in there!

(This is why I'm not a big fan of the baby stage. Ugh. Give me bigger kids any day. I felt like the baby years were just sucking the very life right out of me!)

[lilyka]

Sorry I haven't read all the posts but wanted to chime in.

when constant "bonding" with your child is ripping apart your marriage and making you hate being a mother you might want to reconsider what is really best for your child.

She is not a new born. she does not have the same needs as a new born. her life will not be a painless adventure of always getting what she wants. it is ok to set some boundaries with her and it is ok if she is not thrilled with them at first. I mean if she were crying for candy would you give it to her without limits? no. why? because it is not good for her. same with nursing all night. she may be getting milk but it is coming with a tired cranky mama who is about to lose it. not good.

So. . . .

this is generally the age I night wean mine (give or take). do i have research to back up this decision? no. it is just the time, when if i don't get some space right now, I am going to freak out and hate my children. and I usually do it pretty quickly (that breaking point, for all three, has come pretty suddenly and pretty intensely). completely night weaning and placing limits on daytime nursing enabled me to continue nursing in a place where both of us could be happy about it. yes she cried a lot but you know what, she got over it. it didn't hurt our bond (it actually made it better because there wasn't this big bad thing in the middle of our relationship any more), it gave my husband a chance to become the good guy (he doesn't have boobs attached to his good guy status like i do so he could swoop in and still be mr nice guy even though he didn't have what she ultimately wanted. and he could sympathize and coo and be her hero.) So maybe a week or two of absolutely miserable nights then we all slept. forever. it went this way with all three kids by the way (more or less. .. Lily has always had issues sleeping.) I recommend checking into Dr. Jay Gorden and his information on night weaning.

also at a year -18 months is when I start placing more limits on them (regarding nursing) during the day and making solids more a part of their life. depending on the child and their nursing habits we either limited nursing to certain times of day or let her nurse whenever but only for a certain amount of time. at any rate it bought us both some touch free time which I was desperate for. and I know this sounds strange but I wanted someone in this freaking house to love me for something other than my body. it felt like everyone wanted a piece of me but no one really noticed me the person. My relationship with my kids really blossomed more and more as nursing was eliminated.

anyway . .. once nursing was no longer the definer of our lives they would go spend time with other people, hang out with dad etc and be just fine. the only one of my kids who had trouble staying with a sitter is the one that we waited until she was two to leave with a sitter and waited until she was older to have a bottle. with the other two we started right away (well 4-6 months) and started leaving them with grandma and dad when they were young enough to still not care. these people were a part of their lives and a part of their love circle from the get go. I quickly this was more important than making to some arbitrary age without giving them a bottle. neither of them have ever had any trouble with sitters. (well by sitters I mean being without mom I don't really consider grandma or dad as a sitter.) With my oldest I had to go back to work when she was two so she just had to adjust. and she did. quickly. maybe 2-3 days. she quickly realized the benefit of hanging with these people who had been desperate to love on her

I don't care what anyone says spending alone time with someone is different than with mom hanging around and that bond and trust is going to grow much faster if mom leaves. mom leaving confidently sends a clear message that i tis ok to trust these people. they are capable. you will be fine. mom hanging out and worrying and fretting and refusing to allow these people to be alone with baby sends a message that these people can't do it like she can and are not to be trusted and you will not be ok. So when you leave your child with someone leave confidently and with a cheerful attitude (even if you have to fake it) it will go a long way towards making your baby comfortable.

honestly . . if I were you . . I would work on setting limits on nursing, work on leaving her with your husband (go for a walk. gradually increase the time . . . heck let him take over bed time), leave her with other sitters and go out with your husband. and then go to the concert and don't worry about it. she will adjust. She is firmly attached and a few minutes, a few hours or even a night or two away is not going to wreck that. her world is very good. one night of it being less than her ideal is not going to change that. it might make her mad but she will get over it. relax. enjoy life. she will not die from experiencing a few hours without you.

even the sleeping shouldn't be an issue. I have been amazed at how easily my children go to sleep for other people (dad included) and other peoples children go to sleep for me. you may be pleasantly surprised. getting away and letting dh and dd figure it out on there own might be the easiest, quickest most painless way for her to transition.

[Etay005]

You do need some time for yourself and even a short break from a high needs babe will make you feel better. I was freaking out about returning to work after DD#1 was born and leaving her with DH. He had never really even held her for any amount of time before that day because she just lost it if anyone but me held her. After a few days of crying (the loud high pitched kind the reverberates off the walls) they found their own way together and are now bonded to each other like glue.

[kkfum]

i second what the pp's have said---give your dh "permission" to parent her. as my dh was, i'm sure he's just feeling rejected and unhelpful. trust him to be a good dad and she will be fine. your dh will feel more involved and helpful and you will get the break you need. and your dd will benefit from a great bond with daddy.

my dd (now 27 months) was the same exact way--nursing constantly day and night and a horrible sleeper. and although she definitely preferred me to dh (and still does when push comes to shove!), dh was persistent from early on, knowing that i needed a break, and was gentle and loving and now they have a great relationship!

i think right around 14 months or so, it became more and more difficult to get dd to sleep nursing anyway, so i ended up having to find a way to put her to sleep w/o it. but dh never had a big problem getting her to sleep. there was crying, but then again, she cried with me, too. she was never left to cry by herself.

you need a break, your dd needs her daddy, and your dh needs to feel needed. it's ok.

[mistymama]

I have to second all of the suggestions to go ahead and let you DP watch her. Leave some pumped milk and let them figure their own way out .. and trust me, they will. It's also going to be the best way for them to bond. Sure, it will be an adjustment and she might cry a bit, but she'll be in Daddy's loving arms and they will work it out and be closer because of it. Plus she'll learn to go to sleep without you sometimes! s:

I think it's un-AP to put your needs last, which is what you are doing. It's ok to need a break and you will be a much better Mama because of it.

So I highly recommend leaving your dd with her Daddy, you can start with short periods of time and built up to longer ones.

[marybethorama]

I haven't read the replies yet but all I can say is that is a difficult age IMO. You are ready for your baby not to be so dependent but she's not.

Your dh absolutely should spend as much time with your baby as possible.

It's normal (but very, very hard) for a baby to want to nurse all the time at that age.

ETA: a lot of people have found the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" to be very helpful with sleep issues.

[Demeter9]

Sounds like my first. Oh man, when I got pregnant with my second I was terrified she might be twins (runs in the family). The idea of having to do TWO of my first child made me want to cry.

It is a hard stage. And it is a hard point for her and you. There is NOTHING wrong with your DH taking up some of the parenting. Really. He isn't a second class parent. He's just not YOU.

I know that this might be a bit frightening, but my first and my second to a lesser extent were like this until they were about 20 months. Then by 24 months they were much much much easier to deal with about the whole nursing/sleeping/mommy time thing.

The process of getting there was slow. But it did work. I started at about 15 months taking them off the boob everytime they stopped actively nursing (not just flutter sucking). Over and over and over again. They are tenacious little things for sure. Eventually it did take though.