|something far, far away so it doesn't hurt whenever I think of that day on the river
I'm so sad for you.
I've been through infertility and it is so painful.
I also have the fantasy vs. reality thing going. It stinks.
I would love to be self-sustainable, living in a small house, growing food, etc. The reality is that my health will never permit it. I'd love to be off medication, but I may never be. I'm also hindered by the fact that my dh will probably always work abroad.
I am very, very unhappy right now with our situation. I have no spiritual outlet (I'm bad at practicing alone; I need structure). My kids have very few enjoyable activities, even on weekends. I have no intellectual outlet. I'm living in a huge, smoggy, trafficky city that I pretty much despise right now. I need nature more than anything right now.
So, I demanded change.
Here are my steps:
Got on Prozac and Valium to see me through these next few months here;
In February, visit our new town/country of choice;
Enroll in the local university, which has incredibly interesting courses taught in English, for Fall 08;
Visit the local zen center; already contacted people there, and they are lovely;
Visit houses (with fireplace!) near the forest (town is surrounded by forest), so my kids can run outside and frolick and do nature walks;
Visit the local hatha yoga center;
By March get off the Prozac/Valium;
In March, dh is giving me a trip to the US (alone!) to do mind-body work, which I hope will help both my condition and the personality changes it has brought about;
In July, move and then go home to visit mom and friends in the US -- and stock up on thrift store steals for the girls!
This isn't my ideal. But it's the best I could come up with the reality I face.