Dads 50 ish and up?

[GradysMom]

My amazing dh was brave enough to fall in love with someone 18+ yrs younger, and though his first two children are grown and having his Grandchildren he wanted to start a family with me.

We have a 17mo and we are 32 and 50 right now.

Anyone else out there, starting over, learning again, treading the waters of fatherhood and grandfatherhood. Anyone else out there happy yet worried they are crazy to have gone back to the beginning... Anyone else struggling with dreams of retirement and nightmares of college tuition colliding?

I'd love to hear from you and forward your thought to dh.

Personally I think it takes an amazing, open spirit to allow life to happen at you in this way - and very brave to set aside others opinions and perhaps your own sense of forboding. I maintain that none of us can ever promise that we will be here tomorrow... kwim.

[kellyh]

Us too!

My DH is 16 years older than me.I'm 38, he's 54. I have a son from a previous marriage(8yo) and DH & I have a 4yo dd. He was never married before. He was very determined to NOT get married until he felt ready/or the right one came along (ME!) He saw all his friends getting married in their 20's and he thought the majority of them were crazy. Just going along with what society called "normal". That;s what everybody did. He also didn't want to do what his father did. Work SO much and never enjoy his family.
So he waited. We are so happy. We balance eachother perfectly. We're best friends. I forget about our age difference. I think most people make way too big a deal out of age anyway.

[HOUSE MOUSE]

My husband and I are 15 years apart. When we were engaged some people questioned us and I said `Love doesn`t ask to see your birth certificate`. The truth is he is very young looking and so when we first started dating I thought he was only a couple of years older than me!

We have been married for over 20 years and I am now 47 and he is 62. He had not been married before and had no children and neither did I. I was 30 and he was 45 when we had our first child. I wouldn`t change a thing - he is my best friend and a great dad !

[Shahbazin]

I'm interested in discussion of this family dynamic, too! My DH is turning 53 in April, & I'm 40 - our kids are 21 months & 6 1/2 months (we were married for 14 years before deciding that it was time to quit putting off deciding on starting a family).
Not only is retirement looming along w/college for our girls, DH really wants to go back to school & get a masters in something he enjoys (very unhappy w/career), & we are looking at buying a house using the (small) insurance settlement we got from losing the entire contents of our (rented) home during the wildfires last year. The age difference itself isn't a problem, but it's difficult to be sort of "starting out" at a later age than most.

[ramama]

My DH is 59 and I'm 31. We have two daughters, 4yo and 2yo. He also has two adult daughters from his first marriage and two granddaughters. I am going back to school now, so when I get a job he can retire and be a stay-at-home dad. So I guess I am his retirement plan. I guess the weird part about it for me is that I have to prepare myself financially and mentally to be a single mother. I have to be a realist, since he is 59 with diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Another thing I've noticed is that it's hard for us to find another couple to befriend. I have a lot of female friends in a local playgroup for the girls and I, but he really doesn't have any friends (and to be honest, I don't think he wants any beyond the occasional person to talk to at work).

For those mothers who are married to older men who have older children, do you find that your DH is kinda "stuck" in the "old" methods of parenting? I feel that every time I suggest parenting differently than he and his ex did with his older children, he kind of gets offended. For instance, he still wants blind obedience from the kids, and he wants them to essentially be forced to take naps just because of how old they are. DD1 stopped taking naps a while ago and does fine without a nap, but he thinks that because she is 4 she automatically needs a nap.

[ramama]

I do have to say that DD2 BFed until she was nearly 3 1/2 and DD2 is still BFing and he has been nothing but entirely supportive. Both girls co-sleep with us and he has supported that too. Although he is starting to get sick of the 4yo in bed, but so am I. So I didn't want it to sound like I'm bashing his parenting. It's usually just conflict on the minor things in parenting...

[uccellina]

I guess I'm late to this party, but I couldn't not participate. I'm 28, and my husband is 59. He is so excited about these babies we're having! And he's very much on board with 95% of the natural parenting concepts that I've raised. In fact, although I have fully stocked up on cloth diapers, he wants to try EC! He'll be at home with them more than I will, so I have promised to support him in this arena

[guestmama9916]

Awesome thread! DP is 45 and I'm 30. We're expecting a little girl in August. He is thrilled and always wanted more children but couldn't have them with his ex because she became mentally ill after their first child was born. We want at least 2 more kids together after this baby in Aug. I have a 4 yr old from a previous marriage too. DP is on board with gentle discipline, homebirth, no vax, etc. He did take some convincing because its very different than how he was raised. Blind obedience was how his mother and father did things too. As far as retirement and college savings goes, we are fortunate to both have nice incomes and will have pension if we retire from the local government where we work now. The plan is for DP to stay and retire from his current job so at least he'll have a pension check and I'll continue to receive 1/2 that amount when he passes away. If I can bare to stay at my current job for another 29 years then I too will have a nice pension check to look forward to. We are also saving additional money to supplement our retirement. We'll be starting college savings plans such as an educational IRA or a 529 plan to help pay for college soon too. Our ultimate dream would be for me to retire or semi-retire at the same time DP does so we can travel and enjoy the last years we have together. He is my best friend. I never imagined I would find someone 15 years older than me yet still have so much in common. Its been a wonderful journey so far.

[trinity6232000]

I wanted to chime in from perspective. My parents were both 39 when I was born. They already had 15, 13, 12, year old children when I came along. They had planned on having 4 kids, but after a couple miscarriages they were told my Mom couldn't have any more children.

OOPS then I came along.

I have heard people in the past say "what about the kids" when it comes to older people having children. I heard a family member worry when his wife was expecting when he was in his late 40's.

I never felt like my parents were "old". In fact my dad credits me being born for him staying young, and healthy. At 70 he looks like he is in his 50's. I'm not trying to down younger parents, or say I had it better, but in a way I think older parents have a greater view of the world, and of parenting. I guess also because my parents had been threw it before. But I had a different dad than my siblings. Laid back, gentle, my parents talked to me instead of barking orders. My siblings have always reminded me I got the more settled down version of parents than they had.

About illness that could take place with age. That did happen with my Mom, she passed a couple years ago due to complications of diabetes, but not simply because she had diabetes, but because she didn't take it seriously. I have another friend who's parents had her older in life, and her dad has had diabetes for 20 years, and is in excellent health. Keep active with your kids, watch your diet.

I was extremely blessed to have parents who were older than your average parents. Reading this thread make me happy. Thanks for sharing.

[bjorker]

Ooh ooh ooh. I/we don't actually "qualify" for this thread, but I'm very interested to read anything on this topic. There is a ~16 year age difference between myself and DP (me=younger), but he's only pushing 40. I'll leave it at that b/c I don't want to derail the thread too much from its original purpose, but I'm curious about these things as well. So far, none of it has mattered, but sometimes I do get nervous for the future.

[miasmommy]

Waving hello!

My husband is much older & we have an almost 4 yr old. All I can say is I wish you all lived near me!


Awesome thread!

[renabe]

I'm 22 and my husband is 48. He has a 21 yr old daughter from a previous marriage and we have a 3 yr old daughter and will be home-birthing our second sometime this week or next. He is very supportive-we are extended breastfeeding, diaper free, no vax, co sleeping stay at home mama family.
Great thread-we should all start a yahoo group for couples with significant age differences lol.

[miasmommy]

Glad to meet you all...subbing to this thread.

Anyone live in New England???? If not, please consider moving near me!

[tofumama]

My dh is 50 and I am 36. He has a 21yo son from a previous relationship who is not in our lives (not our choice) He is a wonderful father and also looks very young! He just went for a haircut and I joked I would have to start wearing pigtails to keep up with his 'young-ness' :

I do think about the future, and the fact there is a very good chance we will not 'grow old together' but I knew that going into the marriage and before we had children and thought 'better to have loved and lost...'

And miasmommy, I am in New England

[MamaRainebeau]

Dh and I are almost there with y'all. He's 44 and I'm 31. We had our first child when he was 41, another at 42, and are having twins in 8 days. His father was 40+ when his first was born so I didn't seem *late* to dh. Dh has basically retired and is an amazing stay at home dad.
I worry about retirement more than college tuition. Heck, I'd be happy with health insurance... But we take it one day at a time. We have no problem with starting late, as it were. We rest easy with the belief that God gives us what we can handle.

[mamabeca]

Heya, mamas! I'm 40, dh is 56, and we have a 9.5yo and a 3yo. He was 47 when dd was born, and 53 when ds was born, and we've been together 10.5 yrs. YAY!

I live in NY, I'm envisioning a wonderful get together of NE mamas and papas and babes! Woohoo!

I hear people refer to JAC as a grandfather a lot of times, he does have the big grey beard right now (for winter), but he doesn't mind TOO much. He has a wonderful personality to take that kind of guff.

I too have found that he can be a bit of a stick in the mud on some issues that seem so common sense to me...then again, there are some things he does with aplumb and much gusto that I balk at (usually end of the day blues for me), so I think we balance each other well. Ramama, I think that's what I'd look for in your dh, those things that he bringst to the table so that when he has a need for the kids to do something that you feel is going against the grain, you can bring back those feelings of how much he contributes etc. and let go of the stuff that isn't working so well for you. As long as it isn't 'hurting' your kids, I wouldn't push too hard. In all likliehood they won't care that much about it one way or the other - and it gives you the chance to pick the battles you feel are most worth fighting for, in situations when your values and his clash. Hopefully that is helpful, but it's a good topic to discuss here! Hopefully we can flesh it out more.

[purplegirl]

Joining. back to post more later!

[Keeping up]

Wow - this place does have a place for everyone!

I am 36, dh is 51 - so 15 years difference. We have been married for 7.5 years - and have four kiddos - 5, 4, 2, and 8.5 months. He was married previously but didn't have any kiddos.

He is an awesome dad, and a great husband - I did well!!!

We don't have too many social issues to balance - most of his friends have high school kiddos, or beyond but all love coming to our wild little house to get their kiddo fix. Many of his friends have admitted that they wished they had more little ones. He does get a few comments about having so many little ones at his age - but many make funny comments.

Age thing - he is young and very healthy so I am not too worried about what may happen. (His mom passed away at 54 from ALS - so you never know what will happen in life.) Regardless, I wasn't going to say no to the person I loved because something might happen in 30 years.

His biggest thing though - five year olds like to rank things - so he is well known to be the oldest dad in her class (it drives him mad!)

Glad to see I am not so unusual!!!!

[barose]

My DP isn’t a dad yet, but we are 29 and 50. We have no children so he would be a first-time father at 51+.

I'm so glad this thread exists!

[miasmommy]

I am glad we have a nice thread going.

We used to live in an urban setting where it was more diverse. I feel like out here in the 'burbs it's more "mainstream couples" & we stick out more.

My daughter is turning 4 so she really has no idea that her Dad is older. It's interesting to think about when she will realize that. She is totally into the fact that she has 3 older half siblings that don't live with us. My husband's grandkids are really her nephews & nieces but they all call each other "cousins".

Well, those are my thoughts for the day!