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Dads 50 ish and up? - Page 4

post #61 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_Lurker View Post
I get this comment alot, too.

For me, I always knew too. It wasn't a father thing for me, either. I was raised by my mom & my grandparents, and we spent a lot of time with my grandfather's brother & five sisters, so growing up, I spent the most time with people in their 50s and 60s, so it just seemed natural to me. DH's grandparents had the same age difference that we do (25), so he never thought much about it, either.

I have always been more connected with people who were older than me. I was the youngest of four and had lots of adults in my home growing up. And I was really positively connected with my dad, so it totally was not a "father figure" thing. And my dh is totally different than my dad, although they did get along well while my dad was alive.
post #62 of 90
It's so NOT a father thing for me at all! Almost all of my friends are in their 40's or 50's. My best friend is 45. I never really related well to my peers, but always got along great with people older than me. And my dh could not be more opposite from my father! My father was quite obese, my dh has a few extra pounds, but is certainly not even 1/2 the size of my dad. My father was blond, dh is dark. My father dropped out in 8th grade, worked menial jobs, collected unemployment as much as possible, and was a drug addict and alcoholic. My dh is highly educated (an attorney), very motivated, works a great job, and doesn't touch alcohol and never even tried drugs. So yeah, very opposite from my father.

I'm curious... my dh is quite healthy, and getting healthier by the day - he eats great, works out for at least an hour a day, and has dropped 30 pounds in the last 6 months. Does anyone's dh have a fear of not being around to see their children grow up? My dh told me the other night that his biggest fear is not seeing Aidan grow up and graduate, go to college, get married, etc. I never even considered that it was a possibility that he wouldn't, since he's so young at heart, and healthy, and determined and motivated to be as healthy as he can be. And his family has a history of longevity - all male ancestors living into their mid to late 90's. Is this just a normal feeling of mortality that all older fathers get?
post #63 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aidan's_Mommy View Post

I'm curious... my dh is quite healthy, and getting healthier by the day - he eats great, works out for at least an hour a day, and has dropped 30 pounds in the last 6 months. Does anyone's dh have a fear of not being around to see their children grow up? My dh told me the other night that his biggest fear is not seeing Aidan grow up and graduate, go to college, get married, etc. I never even considered that it was a possibility that he wouldn't, since he's so young at heart, and healthy, and determined and motivated to be as healthy as he can be. And his family has a history of longevity - all male ancestors living into their mid to late 90's. Is this just a normal feeling of mortality that all older fathers get?
I do have those fears. I don’t know when DPs grandparents passed away but his parents are in their early 80s now. I still fear him not surviving to see his children grow up. For that reason, if we don’t have kids by the time he's 55 – which is only 4 years away. We're giving up for good.
post #64 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aidan's_Mommy View Post

I'm curious... my dh is quite healthy, and getting healthier by the day - he eats great, works out for at least an hour a day, and has dropped 30 pounds in the last 6 months. Does anyone's dh have a fear of not being around to see their children grow up? My dh told me the other night that his biggest fear is not seeing Aidan grow up and graduate, go to college, get married, etc. I never even considered that it was a possibility that he wouldn't, since he's so young at heart, and healthy, and determined and motivated to be as healthy as he can be. And his family has a history of longevity - all male ancestors living into their mid to late 90's. Is this just a normal feeling of mortality that all older fathers get?

I wish my dh would have those fears. He's 49 and in really bad shape. Since we got married 5 years ago, he's probably put on 70 lbs and has aged 10 years. He's always stressed out from work, drinks too much, smokes, eats not the best food, never exercises. On weekends he is too tired to play with dd and really only hangs out with her while they watch tv. I know he loves her (and our baby on the way) but I wish he would realize that he's really getting older and doesn't have the energy he needs to keep up with a young wife and two small kids.
post #65 of 90
Barose-

Just wanted to wish you luck on your TTC- I had a tough time conceiving my DD as I have endometriosis. I remember the roller coaster ride!


Ladies- I try very hard to not think about DH's mortality but yes, its always there. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I will have our DD to keep me strong.
post #66 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by miasmommy View Post
Barose-

Just wanted to wish you luck on your TTC- I had a tough time conceiving my DD as I have endometriosis. I remember the roller coaster ride!


Ladies- I try very hard to not think about DH's mortality but yes, its always there. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I will have our DD to keep me strong.

Thanks miasmommy.
post #67 of 90
DH and I are only 3 years apart (he is 48 and I am 45) but we have only been married for a year and a half. He has a DS who is 20 from his first marriage and I have an 11-year old DS from a past relationship. So DH has signed on for 10 more years of parenting and we are TTC (although I am not too hopeful). DH has mentioned that he would be parenting for 40 years if we have a babe. He also thinks about how old he is a lot more than I do - he is in great shape with no health problems - but he is in a government job where you can retire after 30 years (he has 8 more) and I think it makes him think more about getting older planning for retirement.

I worry that if we have a babe he won't have patience or energy - he says he has less patience now than when he was younger but I also think he is wiser and gets into less struggles with my DS than he did with his DS. I wonder how it will all work out but I can't let TTC go right now so I am having faith that we will be okay.
post #68 of 90
Mind if I join? I am 32 and DH is 51. He has four adult children from a previous relationship (the oldest is 30) and one daughter has 3 children (3, 2, and 1). He also has a 16 month old son. Even though relationships such as ours are becoming more common, we do get a lot of looks. He also is constantly receives "cute grandson" comments when he is out with DS. He's thinking of getting a hat that says "I'm his DAD"

I do sometimes worry that something will happen to DH and our children won't know him but we make the absolute most of our time together now so that helps alleviate those fears. I think DH has a closer bond to our son than he does with his other children because he missed a lot when his other children were growing up.

I'm so glad to have found this thread! It's nice to hear others with similar backgrounds and concerns.
post #69 of 90
tell me if i'm wrong but at least with a 50 plus year old man, none of us have the complaint i see so much on MDC of the husband spending time "playing video games" instead of doing housework, watching the kids, etc. at the risk of offending someone, i will state that i am so very very thankful that my husband is a "real man" who is aware of and happily accepts his responsibilities to his family.
post #70 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
tell me if i'm wrong but at least with a 50 plus year old man, none of us have the complaint i see so much on MDC of the husband spending time "playing video games" instead of doing housework, watching the kids, etc. at the risk of offending someone, i will state that i am so very very thankful that my husband is a "real man" who is aware of and happily accepts his responsibilities to his family.

Ha ha! You post cracked me up.

I think that is very true though I sometimes worry how my DP would adjust to having an infant at his age. He doesn’t have any children, nieces, nephews and was the youngest. Sure, he's mature, but I wonder how the adjustment would be.
post #71 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
tell me if i'm wrong but at least with a 50 plus year old man, none of us have the complaint i see so much on MDC of the husband spending time "playing video games" instead of doing housework, watching the kids, etc. at the risk of offending someone, i will state that i am so very very thankful that my husband is a "real man" who is aware of and happily accepts his responsibilities to his family.
That is soooooooooooo true in this house! Neither of us likes video games at all. Most of my other friends have spouses close in age, and I've noticed that they seem to be somewhat "competitive" with each other, it's almost as if they're trying to outdo each other somehow, and it just seems strange to me. I've also noticed that we don't seem to argue as bitterly as they do. Granted, I don't know if that has to do with our personalities (I imagine so ), but I also think it has something to do with maturity. I think (some) older men have the maturity to work their problems out without sulking and pouting, or yelling and screaming.
post #72 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
tell me if i'm wrong but at least with a 50 plus year old man, none of us have the complaint i see so much on MDC of the husband spending time "playing video games" instead of doing housework, watching the kids, etc. at the risk of offending someone, i will state that i am so very very thankful that my husband is a "real man" who is aware of and happily accepts his responsibilities to his family.
Absolutely! I always kind of knew that I'd have to marry someone older than myself to find the level of maturity I was looking for--many guys don't even seem to start growing up until they're 40-- and it has turned out so well for us. We do share many of the same interests, but are not really competitive with each other, and neither of us feels that we must "always be right" or have the last word in a matter.

Barose, I think it totally depends on his attitude towards having an infant. My DH was never married before, has no other children, and was also the youngest in his family. He says that until we met, he had never even contemplated having children as something he might someday want to do. He has turned out to be such an incredible Daddy to our little girl, though. (He was 56 when she was born) He says that this (raising her) feels like the first thing he has done in life that is truly worthwhile or lasting. He loves reading to, playing with and teaching our DD, and she waits so anxiously every day for her Daddy to get home!
post #73 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs_Lurker View Post
That is soooooooooooo true in this house! Neither of us likes video games at all. Most of my other friends have spouses close in age, and I've noticed that they seem to be somewhat "competitive" with each other, it's almost as if they're trying to outdo each other somehow, and it just seems strange to me. I've also noticed that we don't seem to argue as bitterly as they do. Granted, I don't know if that has to do with our personalities (I imagine so ), but I also think it has something to do with maturity. I think (some) older men have the maturity to work their problems out without sulking and pouting, or yelling and screaming.
Yes, I notice that with DP’s friends too. A lot of his friends are in the 30-60 range, but they are all mature, together individuals and we all can have intelligent, in-depth conversations. He has his faults and weaknesses, but how he handles it is the most important factor.

No video games here(!) but he is an audiophile and is very much into his music, and elaborate, sound system and equipment and him and is friends (who are into it also) can go on for hours. He's very much into cars. We all have our poisons.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ElkMtnsMama View Post
Absolutely! I always kind of knew that I'd have to marry someone older than myself to find the level of maturity I was looking for--many guys don't even seem to start growing up until they're 40-- and it has turned out so well for us. We do share many of the same interests, but are not really competitive with each other, and neither of us feels that we must "always be right" or have the last word in a matter.

Barose, I think it totally depends on his attitude towards having an infant. My DH was never married before, has no other children, and was also the youngest in his family. He says that until we met, he had never even contemplated having children as something he might someday want to do. He has turned out to be such an incredible Daddy to our little girl, though. (He was 56 when she was born) He says that this (raising her) feels like the first thing he has done in life that is truly worthwhile or lasting. He loves reading to, playing with and teaching our DD, and she waits so anxiously every day for her Daddy to get home!

In terms of a baby, I just don’t know yet. When he lived 3 blocks from UC Berkeley, he was miserable, constantly sleep deprived, etc. It’s a good think he works from home or I would worry about him WHO in those conditions. Its reassuring to know your DP handled it well! Sometimes I read “Life with a Babe” or “Parents as Partners” and it scares the crap out of me. I need to stay away from those forums.
post #74 of 90
I totally agree! DH has been extremely involved from the moment we knew I was pregnant. He has been much more active in DS's life than he ever was with his older children. I sometimes worry that they will resent DS because DH is so close to him. The other kids never say anything but I do think there is some tension there.
post #75 of 90
Waving hello!

I must add that my husband was really terrific when my DD was a baby- I was surprised how good he was with a little baby- actually much more a "baby person" than me in a lot of ways.

Now that she is 4- she can really frustrate you- nothing too insane but usual, 4 yr. old stuff. I think he has expectations of her being more mature and he has less patience than when she was a baby.

When she was baby, a nice "breast lunch" : would calm her- now it's way more complicated...

I must say, overall I do enjoy this age for many reasons- easier to travel is one!
post #76 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post
tell me if i'm wrong but at least with a 50 plus year old man, none of us have the complaint i see so much on MDC of the husband spending time "playing video games" instead of doing housework, watching the kids, etc. at the risk of offending someone, i will state that i am so very very thankful that my husband is a "real man" who is aware of and happily accepts his responsibilities to his family.
Here Here! Dh is a full partner in this family. He does all the dishes, will clean, cook, change diapers and even clean the poop out of the cloth diapers. He blows off the guys after work who go to the bar so he can spend as much time with his family. It's completely the opposite of the younger fathers we know.

Also, before DS, DH had about zero experience with kids and babies. Wasn't even interested in being a father. Now he likes to chat with moms about kids when he sees them and hold our friends' babies, much more than I like to do! He's adapted well for sure.
post #77 of 90
Maybe we (Spouses of Dads 50 ish and Up) should have our own thread over in the Finding Your Tribe area. There seem to be quite a few of us here. What does everyone think?
post #78 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by TeresaZofia View Post
I wish my dh would have those fears. He's 49 and in really bad shape. Since we got married 5 years ago, he's probably put on 70 lbs and has aged 10 years. He's always stressed out from work, drinks too much, smokes, eats not the best food, never exercises. On weekends he is too tired to play with dd and really only hangs out with her while they watch tv. I know he loves her (and our baby on the way) but I wish he would realize that he's really getting older and doesn't have the energy he needs to keep up with a young wife and two small kids.
My DH is the same way. Honestly, it's a real miracle that he's still alive. Really. He's nearly 60, with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, poorly controlled diabetes, he's overweight (borderline obese), has gained nearly 50 pounds since we met (and my cooking isn't THAT good, people!), stays up watching movies until the wee hours, the list goes on and on. Oh, and he smokes cigars. He always comes home from his doctors appointments declaring how healthy he is "considering," but his doctor once told me over the phone that he had decreased blood flow from heart to lungs and that he must quit smoking the cigars. He poo-pooed that recommendation. And he casually mentioned the other day (while watching a Discovery Channel show on obesity) that he has an enlarged heart. He lives a completely sedentary lifestyle, barely getting off of the couch.

That said, I have to prepare myself for life without him. My father died in a car accident when I was 5, and both of his parents died in a car accident when he was 16. So perhaps more than most people, we really know that one or the other of us might be gone tomorrow. Add to that his age and health, if I'm not a single mother within 5 years it'll be a miracle. I'm not trying to be pessimistic or fatalist, or whatever, but with 2 small children I have to prepare myself. I'm in school again, getting yet another degree (still looking for the right one!) so that in a year or two he can retire and I'll go back to work. I love being a SAHM, but to be out of the workforce for so long, I can't see going back into the working world if something should happen to DH and trying to support my family on barely more than minimum wage. It sucks, but it's reality.

DH is worried that he won't even live to see the girls graduate from high school, much less have children of their own. But more than that he worries that he'll become a burden to us if he needs extended care and so forth.

Wow, that was a depressing post. But seriously the way his face lights up when the girls run to him is priceless. He says that the kids are killing him, but I think they're keeping him alive.
post #79 of 90
My DH was 15 years older than me. We had four children together. He became a daddy at age 41 and had the other three at ages 44, 46, and 53.

He died at age 64. He saw the older three finish high school. I am raising our youngest who is now 16. He died when the youngest was 11. It is something to consider.

We did plan for our future always. I wish he were here to share it with me.

OTOH, my own Father was 19 years older than my mom. The first was born when he was 39 and the last at age 57. They had nine children together, and my Father lived to see all of us grow up, marry, finish college, and saw twelve grandchildren before he died at age 87. Dealing with teenagers at an advanced age is a hardship to consider.

No one knows the future.
post #80 of 90
My DH has said that when he dies "he's not leaving." You know? It does sadden me that I may have to deal with my DDs first boyfriends on my own. My DH is a big bear of a man and I'm sure he could adequately frighten a few teenage boys.

Which brings up another question: Has any of your DHs asked if you will get re-married once they're gone? You know, since you'll still be rather young? I think it's a morbid fascination with my DH. On one hand, he wants me to be happy, but on the other hand the thought of me "moving on" would be painful for him.
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