Brain Melt-down Lapse ~ Worried about Myself

[Nathan1097]

How to make this short and understandable!

Been on Celexa for 3 years now and Depakote for 15 months. Diagnosed with depression and possible bipolar. (I'd run away and get into disossociated states- think of flying off balconies, go on buying sprees, and the mood swings exhausted me. I even heard voices for a while which I KNEW were just that, but even so they were as real as life!!) Seeing a social worker. Learning mental tactics to deal with stress. Mostly, I do very well. She even started talking lately of my not needing to see her except for "crisis" situations.

But last night I had a total break down sobbing and not knowing what was what- which way the world still worked. So much "I don't get it!" and feeling the rules of the whole world and universe had somehow changed on me. That my brain was not reliable anymore. And never before has it happened, but I started to think that I should drink to take my mind off of it. This worries me because my dad is an alcoholic and I've seen what it has done to him. I drink but not to a great extent. I also have taken script pain killers just for the dozey feeling. These are written to me for pain very rarely but I take them even if there is no pain anymore until they are gone. Then I just "drop the subject", so to speak.


This morning, I dealt better with things, but I am disappointed with myself that my coping techniques just fell by the wayside, yesterday. I was a total mess.

[Carley]

Sounds like a visit to your psychiatrist is in order. The worst thing you can do is keep this to yourself! You probably just need to change your medication. You'll be amazed by how you feel with the right medication & medical care.

Coping techniques only work as a bandaid to get you through until your meds get straight. Don't let yourself get down about it, there is only so much you can control behaviorally (like choosing not to harm yourself or others, spend money, use drugs/alcohol even though your brain/body feel the urge). Your meltdown was actually a success! You made it through without acting on your impulses. Your "feelings" were really your Bipolar disorder. It's not your personality or your mind, it's a medical condition.

I'm concerned about your "pain medication" use. It seems you are using it as a bandaid for real symptoms of bipolar disorder that your medication isn't helping with. In the long term these symptoms aren't just harmful to your psyche, they are permanantly damaging your brain. Only medication will prevent the episodes.

If you tell your psychiatrist s/he may be able to find something that will help you better, like Lamictal for the long term & zyprexa/seroquel & clonazepam to get you through the waiting period.

Good luck & stay strong! You can lead a normal life, you just need to get your meds straight! It's not your fault!

[Nathan1097]

Thank you. I am at my boyfriend's and he's put on "What Dreams May Come". It is totally stressing me out. I feel like my emotions are on high and every little nuance of this movie is overwhelming me- like how babies get overwhelmed by noise? Every musical note in this, tone of voice, it all is in my mind at once clear as day all at once and very loud and insistant. I've seen it before- and loved it. But all of it at once is doing me in and I don't think my BF gets it. He probably wonders what I am up to- maybe he is annoyed with the way I am "acting" right now- tearful and silent. I think I need to get out of this apartment, but I fear "flying away". Oh how nice to float away in this warm, rainy weather.

[Nathan1097]

I am just home. I told him I couldn't watch the movie- that it was too much for me. He seemed indignant- that he was really in the mood to watch that movie. Finally, I just packed up my stuff and was ready to leave, while sobbing, just saying "I can't..." when he asked me to come sit down on the bed with him. I was sobbing and hyperventilating at first and *so* not wanting to be there- I wanted to fly away. He hugged me and told me I was safe- and right before I left he put me on his lap and held me- like a little kid would be held- and all I could do was breathe and rest.... Two hours later I'm home and I think we have a better understanding of how each is feeling and thinking. I did tell him what I said in my posts here (not that I posted them, specifically)... about having heard voices and what that is like.... that that embarrasses me, and so does the fact that I have a junky car..... Lots of things like that..... We sat and talked and listened. He told me his underlying fears.... so at least that's information.... the things he doesn't like about himself... I explained about how I think about a situation as I'm going through it- after he assumes otherwise and gets all bent out of shape. Then he says "When you put it that way, I completely understand and I'm sorry." He says I aught to go to work tomorrow as they're going to be mad at me for missing so many days. As for new drugs, I can't possibly work while drugged. (Except what I'm already on/used to.) What do those drugs do you mentioned? I'm on celexa and depakote already. Both which threw my body for a huge loop when I first started them. Was a zombe and asleep! And don't get me started about trazadone! I literally took it, walked to my room, and FELL on the floor! WHAP! Good thing I had couch cushions there!

[elizaMM]

Sounds like your BF is beginning to understand... that's really nice.

After your first post I was thinking maybe it was just a bad day. But your continued trouble with the movie makes me agree with Carley- call your social worker. I know how that is, BTW. Just too overstimulated- hate that.

Can you think of recent stress that may have triggered this regression? Did you feel nervous when your social worker suggested you not see her so much?

As for work, be sure to consider how feeling unwell at work could effect your performance too. I hope they are more understanding than your BF imagines. But he surely knows more about them than I.

And do try not to use pain killers for other reasons. Does your social worker know about that?

And a junky car? That's great! That means you are keeping it out of a landfill and not consuming a new one and all the energy and resources that would otherwise go into making it! I sometimes regret dumping my junker. New cars are pretentious.

Good luck!!

[Carley]

Here is some information on the American Disabilities Act. Sometimes you need to miss work to be well.

Lamictal does not cause drowsiness. Celexa is used for Bipolar 2 to treat depression. Lamictal is used for Bipolar 1 disorder to prevent mania, depression & the paranoia/psychosis that coincides Bipolar 1. Your description of your symptoms indicate Bipolar 1 disorder. You would not have the psychosis you're having with Bipolar 2. You really need to communicate your psychosis to your provider so you can get on the RIGHT medication. The right medication will change your life!

Based on the problems you're having it seems neither of your medications are working for you. You need to advocate your health & share this information to your care provider. Follow your gut!

Also, your provider should have suggestions for you if your meds are making you too tired to function. I take my meds @ 8:00pm, fall asleep by 9 & get up with my daughter around 7.

Good luck! I hope you're doing ok today!

[Nathan1097]

I saw my primary dr. AND my psych. dr. today. Reg. dr. said it sounds like this latest episode is anxiety and wrote me a note to be off work the rest of the week. Work sent me home today after a couple hours because I wasn't well enough to function- I could not concentrate enough to even do my job and I was shaking and "vibrating internally" and couldn't stop my hands from moving- like parkinsons??- and when I called the dr.'s office from work, I couldn't form words correctly or get my point across. Psych. dr. talked with me about the last several days and cleared up some things that happened for me I guess is a way to put it. She said the stress adds up for me. She also said I needed to talk when he wanted to be alone but that other aspects were good in our communication. Right now I am home. I did go out to eat but I was really lacking in food by 3:30!! The reg. dr. prescribed valium, too. BF wants to take a drive again tonight- I dunno why. He wants to play with our GPSs?? Plus, the bank called to say my loan was denied and I was a credit loser since the last time I got one there. So car still crap. So far the valium isn't working.... The dr.s didn't want to change my meds! They said they dob'nt want to mess with them. ?? That this is anxiety, as I said. They really don't think I have biploar, even though that is my diagnosis and what they write on my sheet everytime I check out..... My meds are fine in terms of being tired, now and the valium wouldn't be but I have a note to be off work anyway.

[Carley]

ok, that is ridiculous. You really need to change providers to someone who is going to take your descriptions of your symptoms seriously. All of the symptoms you are describing are Bipolar 1. The other posters are trying to help with diagnosis, but Bipolar 1 also causes "anxiety disorder" symptoms due to the defining features of the disease: paranoia, delusions & psychosis combined with periods of depression (suicide ideation, psychosis (voices), paranoia) and periods of ellation (spending sprees, insomnia, extreme energy).

No good psychiatrist px valium. Clonazepam is the benzo of choice when sedatives are neccessary. I know you are overwhelmed already, but finding the right provider & right medication is going to make a huge difference for you. Celexa is an SSRI & only treats depression. SSRIs are known to cause Bipolar 1 to spin out of control. It does NOT treat any the symptoms you are having & can make them much worse.

I also have the parkinsons-like symptoms when I have episodes (though I haven't had an episode in over 6 months thanks to the right medication). I shake so hard I can't write. I hate to leave the house because of the "looks" other people give me & think my partner is saying/thinking/feeling/doing things he isn't (paranoia/delusion). It's caused by the seizures our brain is having every time we have an episode.

This really is a neurological disease (like parkinsons) & the right meds will prevent this from happening. If you're too overwhelmed to switch providers at least tell your current provider that your medication is not working & you want to explore Lamictal or Lithium. You must take charge! Your provider is not in control of your wellfare, you are!

Good luck & keep us updated!

[Nathan1097]

Christopher (BF) invited me to go for a drive and get lost with him- take our GPS's and play. We ended up over an hour away- in a cute little town that escapes me now- in Starbucks. The town was cute, but apparently it is a rich town as the teens/college ages in there talked as if they were- trips to bahamas, "omg did you see this and you gotta get the package that lets you into all the bars and that and blah blah blah..." lol Christopher was very nice to me. I told him I was feeling emotionally exhausted. As for me, I had previously wondered if they haven't diagnosed me incorrectly. I had wondered this a while ago b ut you see when I am in a "well" phase, it all doesn't seem to matter. I just forget it. Then this kind of things happens and I feel like treatment isn't working- at least the meds properly. The drs told me I have bipolar 2 (with the right to revoke that diagnosis apparently and say its "just depression"), but hey- I've had this for years. Wish they'd just treat me for the right *%&#^ thing. Because as interesting - creatively anyway- as these thoughts can be, they also are extremely exhausting and sometimes scary. I have also had the paranoid thoughts: When my daughter was a newborn, I ran out of the peds office (calming) saying I had to make a phone call, and never came back. I was sure they were going to follow me out to the parking lot and was on the lookout for them to confront me at my car with syringes. (My daughter had had a bad reaction at 2 mos and they weren't listening.) Another time, my then-husband took too long in the bank and I went in to find him only to find the doors locked and then I saw fire trucks right there and thought the place had been held up. I was RUNNING trying to find him! You're right- my celexa DID spin me into a big manic phase when they doubled it a year ago. That's when they put me on the mood stablilizer. Why they still tell me they only write "bipolar general" on my forms so my insurance will pay, I don't know. Anyway, the trip with Christopher made for a very loving and sweet memory. I needed him to just be around me and not talk too much but a few laughs and hand holding and smooches. I have changed the sheets on my bed, gotten a shower, and am now doing a bit of light "surfing" with my laptop in bed before I go to sleep.

[Nathan1097]

This morning was okay except I woke up with a migraine. I went out and talked with two friends, did some errands and started to feel that wild, shakey, almost-dissociated feeling.... bought coffee and lunch and tried to read and now have given up and took valium which so far in 1/2 hour hasn't done anything. I will try music or low-key tv and a warm bed. I do think, too, after re-reading my "Bipolar Handbook" by Wes Burgess, I need to find a new dr., or talk to the ones I have or whatever. I thought that before, too.

[elizaMM]

glad things are going better.

was that coffee decaf, or regular?

good luck with the more assertive approach with the docs!!

[Nathan1097]

I feel all key-ed up still. I did take a nap earlier though after a valium which facilitated the napping and watched a calming dvd. Then I went out and talked with friends but I felt that can't-concentrate feeling and had some dinner out. (Feeling guilty for spending money but feeling horrible and not knowing if it was my needing to eat or not.) I did manage to sit and read and listen to calming music tonight for quite a while which was nice. Now I'm in bed but I still don't think I can sleep at all. The coffee was regular- BUT it usually takes a ton of coffee to hype me up since I drink it regularly, plus its been a while since I had it and still... so this isn't how my body normally reacts to coffee, though I hear it can be part of feeling keyed-up, of course. I feel like knocking my head against something over and over and that urge to stay up and talk and yammer on while at the same time I want to just shut out the world because it is all too much imput for my brain.

[Nathan1097]

I am going back to work tomorrow. My ex had the kids all weekend, so I spent yesterday with Christopher; today I spent the day alone, reading, and then chatting with my friends at the bookstore. I still feel I am drinking too much and my mind won't stop going- either talking to people or thinking of things. I worry. I know I"m drinking way more than I have before. Finally, so I could rest this evening, I took my last Valium. I am going back to work tomorrow.

[elizaMM]

Many professionals discourage any caffeine consumption for people with anxiety problems.

When you say "drinking", do you mean alcohol, or coffee?

Are you using the valium the way it was intended?

When do you see your counselor again? Do they know about the "drinking" and the valium use?

It sounds like you are letting yourself rest nicely.

What are your more medium-term (the next couple weeks) self-healing plans?

[Nathan1097]

Originally Posted by elizaMM

Many professionals discourage any caffeine consumption for people with anxiety problems.

Right. But this isn't the same. I can drink coffee without becoming anxious.

When you say "drinking", do you mean alcohol, or coffee?

When I said that, I meant alcohol. But I am not a big drinker to start with so this increase is what I meant.

Are you using the valium the way it was intended?

It is gone. They gave me 5 pills to get me through the weekend, which it did. I used one pill at a time for anxiety and made sure I was home first. I used it last Sunday night for anxiety- couldn't stop thinking so I couldn't sleep- and that did stop my mind whirling and I watched tv and settled down very nicely- like my mind couldn't "swirl" anymore and the movie itself was soothing. The oxycontin, however, I used just to lay there and feel drowsy on purpose. At first, I did have pain, but I had 10 pills and used the last few just to lay there and feel "high - as I did the Vicodin I was given after surgery a couple years ago.

When do you see your counselor again? Do they know about the "drinking" and the valium use?

I think I see her this Thursday. She aught to know about the valium as it was prescribed to me by my primary, but then again, that was the same day and I don't know if she noticed that day, as I hadn't even started taking it at that point. The drinking- no. I do not enjoy drinking. I just have done a lot more of it lately. I DO enjoy the pills though.

It sounds like you are letting yourself rest nicely.

What are your more medium-term (the next couple weeks) self-healing plans?

I've been trying. I went to the bookstore tonight - (I worked today) - and talked with my friends there. Not for long- I went home and watched the old movie channel in bed, instead. I like my friends but I tend to stay up too late when I go there. Today, too, I called about a bill arrangements I needed to do- another source of anxiety. That did make me feel better. I have been reading more and talking with my kids. I still will break out into "that other mind" sometimes. I find that listening to some of my favorite music will bring me back- so I've had my MP3 player with me and a favorite novel. That's to keep my mind from whirling things around and around indefinitely.

[Nathan1097]

This site is interesting. http://www.lifeloveandbipolar.com/ Kind of depressing that I see myself in so much of it, but kind of a comfort too.

[Nathan1097]

Well the social worker told me today that it still seems I only had a stressful event last week and there isn't a firm diagnosis of bipolar, though I could go see my psych. dr. if I want to discuss it. (She's very nice- this wasn't said in any form of negativity!) She's quite happy about the way I've dealt with my interpersonal relationships lately and to this effect keeps hinting that I should rethink my relationship with my BF.


All for now.

[Nathan1097]

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Anxiety.htm

I found this article- reminds me a lot of how I felt last week! (As you can read in the posts above.) Why does my social worker say I only had an episode of "normal" anxiety then?!? She thinks it was related to having taken cold meds the weekend before, or my fight with Christopher. (Which no doubt didn't help matters.) : I left her office feeling like there is another answer to all my symptoms - EXCEPT- bipolar. She gave me an example of a more extreme case of bipolar that she is treating and I'm thinking "So what? There's always going to be someone worse than me and someone better!"

I am feeling okay today. Work was blah but now I am home and clean and feeling relaxed, reading email and posting. Been reading my book before work at the coffee shop. Things with BF going well. Paying bills. (Which I let lapse for too long this past year with all my symptoms.) All nice things. Even have been supportive to others.

[Nathan1097]

A bit off-topic, but I found this tidbit interesting on psych. and fertility meds and testosterone levels/sex drive.

Women taking estrogen therapy may have increased testosterone levels. Anticonvulsants, barbiturates, and clomiphene can cause testosterone levels to rise.

From, http://www.labtestsonline.org/unders...erone/faq.html