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we can't agree on disipline style

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
He sees that punishing is the only way to deal with kids when you don't want them to do something that they're doing or you want them to do something that they aren't. I see it differently. I want to talk with her and work out something that would be agreeable to all of us. I want to treat her with respect. I want her to do things because she sees that it's the right thing to do. Not because she's worried about being punished. I also think that it works better with her personality. honestly.

For instance, I put dd to bed the other night and figured that was that. I went into the attic to clean it out. DH was downstairs watching tv. I come down from the attic and heard something. I opened the door to her room and there she was sitting at the computer. I told her to go to bed. She did and on her way said that she was sorry. I know that she was really sorry for breaking my trust and knew she wasn't supposed to do that and was really imbarased that she was *busted*. She has the computer in her room and I understand that is a huge temptation being there. I didn't want to talk about it right away the next day. She came up to me and wanted to talk about it. I said that we would talk about it later. She said that she thinks that it would be a reasonable punishment to have her computer privileges taken away for a week. I said that we would talk about it later. Then, when we talked about it. I said that I thought that a week without computer privileges was too much. I said that I think that we could come up with something that wasn't a punishment but something that we both agreed on. I said that I was really worried about her missing the sleep that she needs. I wanted her to be able to function well the next day and to do well in school etc. I suggested that I take the cord when I tuck her in for bed at night so that the temptation wasn't there...that I understood that it must be really tempting and I wanted to help by taking the temptation away. I also talked to her about setting a limit of 2 hrs a day on the computer/tv. I said that there are so many more things she could be doing besides staring at the screen all day. She agreed with the computer/tv thing. But, she asked that I didn't take the cord from the computer at night. I asked why. She said that she wanted to know that I still trusted her. That she wanted me to give her just one more chance to prove that she can be trusted. I found that to be an absolutely reasonable request and told her so. So far, so good. I really don't think I have to worry about it happening again. I honestly think that if she where just punished she wouldn't have learned any more than she did from what we had just experienced. Perhaps she may have even put a little resentment in her pocket for later if I had gone the punishment way. I feel that if she knows that I am respecting her and listening and talking to her that she will feel that she can trust me even more. So that when I tell her that something is important she can trust that it really is. So that when I do have to "draw a line" she will see that I am not just doing what I normally do, but that this must be important.

So, how do I get DH to get on this path? How do I get him to see that punishments aren't necessary? For him to see that good communication, trust, and respect can actually do the job. Because what is his ultimate goal? I want to raise a child who can be respected, who is caring, who is helpful to others, someone who is trustworthy and not because she is worried about being punished but because she feels that its the right thing to do in her heart.

I don't feel that I should bend. I would be getting punished every time my kids are getting punished if I let him do this. Part of me says that I should just try it out. But the other side of me SCREAMS "NOOOOOOO!". I don't understand why it is so important for him to punish them. OH NO...he might have to actually t*a*l*k something out. he would have to hold his temper. His expectations for her are higher than his are for himself. I am so stuck. I can't take the yelling any more. I can't stand being called a bad parent (in front of the kids or not) any more. I am a good parent. I am involved. I am loving. I am respectful. We always work things out. It's just him that I can't seem to work things out with. he is so angry all of the time.

I really don't like writing these things. but, I really don't know what to do. There is anger from him every day. I am in a really bad place. any advice welcome. Please don't be mean with the responses. I am open to constructive criticism.
post #2 of 7
Wow, I am impressed at how mature your dd is! How old is she?
I know how if feels not to share parenting ideals, because my dh also does not buy GD. In our case, and differently to yours, things are not going so well and that gives him even more ammunition. I have to say he has made truly incredible progress at handling the girls in a calm and composed manner, especially if I am not there, in the last few years, but nevertheless we still bicker about the girls' upbringing on a daily basis almost.
Through all this I have learnt that:
1) the no punishment ideal is truly a revolutionary concept, our whole society is built around the idea of rewards and punishments. So, it is not strange that your dh is afraid of embracing such a big change. He may feel like he does not have the skill to parent this way and therefore rejects the idea altogether.
2) so it is important for him to see that he has good skills as a parent, that he does not feel like he is not "as good as you" if you see what I mean.
3) the one big thing for us has been for me to learn to trust him to care for them on his own, and just go out and do my thing, so long that he promised he would not spank them ever. He knows that if he did that, they would tell me and I would change the lock the next day. It is my line in the sand. Their relationship has deepened, it is a different relationship from the one I have with the kids, but it is I think good in the end for them to see that there are different ways of doing things. He is a very caring dad, makes them good and healthy food, takes them to outings, also roughhouses them reads to them and plays cards and stuff. He did much less of all of this when I was more controlling of their relationship.
I hope this helps some.
post #3 of 7
Thread Starter 
First of all... is there another board or another forum that I should be putting this on? It's deffinitely not just about GD.

dd is 12. but, I still feel this is a mature 12.

1)i agree that the world is filled with reward and punishment. I understand if it's hard to grasp the concept that there could be a better way, with better effects in the long run.

2)I understand what you're saying about letting him feel like he's being a good parent. But, when he's on dd's case constantly I have a really hard time trying to come up with anything that I can say positive. He never picks his battles. And when he's calling me a bad parent over and over again I don't even feel connected with him to want to encourage him. My friends and daycare families see how I parent and they think the opposite of DH. Daycare families recommend my daycare BECAUSE they think I parent well and feel that other children should be treated the same way. (Sorry I'm adding that in here. I'm just feeling defensive because of hearing what DH says just about every day):

3) I do see that he is good (most of the time) with our 2 1/2 yr old. He is being nasty with dd and I (nomatter how nice I'm being). As long as I do not agree with him on this issue, he will be pissed with me, I guess. This is even if ther eis no incident to battle over. Everything could be running smoothly and he is still holding this grudge. It's an issue in one part of our life and he is letting it spill into every aspect of our relationships. I am starting to feel hopeless.
As far as his relationship with dd? Well, I see it drifting. they are so far from each other right now. Maybe it's the age. But, there has been this shift (for the worse) in DH. On and off. For weeks at a time. this sucks.

He keeps saying that we need to have this united front. But, at what point is this "united front" thing just another words for "enabling your DH to treat DD like sh*t"? Honestly, it reminds me of our dogs. Our German Shepard would be on our other dog constantly. Always "putting her in her place" and it drove me nuts. Because our other dog wasn't doing anything but sitting there or getting pet or laying there etc. It seems to be the exact thing with DH and myself or DD. He seems to look for reasons to put us in our place. I am really getting sick of it.
post #4 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by cuddleluvinma View Post
I honestly think that if she where just punished she wouldn't have learned any more than she did from what we had just experienced.
I absolutely agree with that. Imo, kids learn MUCH more when they are not being coerced/punished. The coersion and punishment really block real learning.

(ftr, this seems like it could go here, or in the PaP forum)

Perhaps it would help if you read Secret of Parenting, and passed on some advice to your dh. It's a 'parents in charge-without punishment' style of discipline.
post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the advice on the book. I'll pick it up at the library. He does seem to need to know that He's the parent and that He's in charge. I love digesting new books! I'll bring it over to the PaP forum. Can we double post?
post #6 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by cuddleluvinma View Post
Thanks for the advice on the book. I'll pick it up at the library. He does seem to need to know that He's the parent and that He's in charge. I love digesting new books! I'll bring it over to the PaP forum. Can we double post?
I *think* you can, if you say something like "xposted in GD." That way the mods will know that it's already in GD, and they won't try to move it.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
thanks, I did move it. I got a and then tried to clean it up a bit along with explaining that I had moved it from here. I don't know of any other way besides just copying any pasting. Am I doing it wrong?
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