Do you leave your "challenging" child with a babysitter?

[darien]

I have been invited to join a babysitting co-op, but I can't decide if it's worth it for me.

My 3 year old ds, Jiro, doesn't do well with babysitters. He enjoys the novel toys, and (in some cases) playing with friends, but once he decides he's done-- that's it! He'll scream for me until he gets me-- refusing to be distracted or comforted at all.

I don't want Jiro to be sad, but I'd really like some time to myself. I'm with him virtually every minute of the day, every day. I adore him, but he is intense, and often cantankerous, even when he's asleep!

I trust the other parents in the co-op, but I know many of them would see Jiro's behavior as "disobedience," and deal with it accordingly. Given how many comments I've received about how "difficult, grumpy, stubborn," etc., Jiro is, I'm not sure other parents could be patient with him.

I don't want to be the mom of the kid that no one wants to sit.

Do you leave your little challenge with a sitter? How do you make it work?

[Super Pickle]

If someone invited you to join, then it seems that that person, at least, was indicating that s/he wouldn't mind sitting for your child. I think if I were in your situation, I would wait and see if anyone offered to watch him, and then gratefully accept if you feel you really need the break.

[GuildJenn]

I think there are two areas of concern really. One is "will everyone stop wanting to babysit my child?" Well, I think that's possible - but it's worth trying! As long as you trust the sitters, I would let them decide. I have taken my friend's spirited child and I am truly fine with it - it's tiring, so sometimes I pick my times carefully. But I love her and him, and it's actually kind of fun to take on the challenge. Keeps us all on our toes. There is no such thing as a child who doesn't "deserve" to be babysat - let the other mums make their decisions there. If they find it's too much, just give them room to say so, and keep on with your friendships. One thing for sure... a lot of kids will go through difficult phases, and their time will probably come.

The second though is whether your son will be treated appropriately when he's being babysat, and that is where I would be careful. I'd be sure that you've had a playdate or 5 with the people, and also have a discussion about which tactics are okay and which aren't (is it okay to separate him if he is acting out at the other child? what about a more punitive time out? what if he is throwing toys? etc.) If there's a mum you're comfortable with on that front - obviously she is not YOU, but if she's okay - then I say go for it. If not, you may not have found the right person.

I might start with a short time - an hour - and build up from there, but that is totally your call.

On a practical level you may want to be one of the first to be the babysitter, but not "bank" too many hours, in case it doesn't work out. But being one of the first means that you've put your time in, so you don't have to worry about being THAT mum.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

My kids spend a fair amount of time (esp. compared to many here) with sitters. While they are good with sitters for the most part, they are really, um, challenging, at bedtime. So I am very, very careful about who is with them if bedtime must happen.

Honestly, I prefer sitters that aren't parents. They don't have a set way of doing things and are thus more open to taking my directions. And I don't have to worry about my children being exposed to alternative discipline techniques, even if they aren't subject to them, YK? So I look for older high schoolers or college students for my sitters. Of course, they cost money rather than reciprical time, so that may be a consideration for you.

I think that if you were to participate in this arrangement, you need to do a couple of things. First, get to know the families involved. If there are any that are rigid with different attitudes towards discipline than you, then I wouldn't have them sit your child. Before leaving your child, I would have a frank conversation about what you (and he) can expect and accept from the babysitting family. Make sure the host knows they should call you the minute that your child indicates he is ready to go home -- even if this is going to be inconvenient for you. Start with short amounts of time and with you nearby (able to get him within 5 minutes, say), then gradually work up from there. I do think that kids get the hang of being with someone else and it does get easier over time.

If what you are looking for is a few daytime hours each week, I wonder if he might do better at a consistant "mom's day out" or similar program? Or even very PT preschool? Somewhere that the teacher is always the same and the routine is the same? Maybe that would feel more secure and comfortable for him?

[lilyka]

we were in a co-op with a challenging child. actually challenging family as the mom was the only one who wouldn't let us discipline. by the time the co-op was over (it was more of a moms day out setting where we would alternate weeks who had to take care of the kids) she was only coming for an hour or two of the time.

I don't know how your co-op is run but could you drop him for 30 minutes to an hour while you just run and do something quick. not a huge benefit to you but perhaps he will warm up to the sitter and be less challenging as time goes by. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. people will start to resent him and you (especially if they discipline differently and see this mostly as a discipline problem.) and that is no fun for anyone. I would recommend hiring a babysitter that you pay (rather than a co-op where people feel obligated) that way everyone could bail at any time if they decide it is just not a good fit.

[Needle in the Hay]

I wouldn't have done it at that age. My DS, in addition, required a lot of supervision at that age because he was a daredevil. I would not have wanted him disciplined by others and if you already know they would do that, that would seal it for me. I wouldn't put my DS in. I'd find someone to watch him for a short time who will try to prevent the meltdown from happening by keeping him engaged and if it does happen, would either try to comfort him (if he wants it) or let him scream (certainly not try to discipline him for screaming for his mama!). OR wait til he's older OR have DP watch him and get out for an hour or two on the weekend (or have them go out).

If you do decide to try the coop, I like PPs suggestions of trying it for short durations and not feeling like you need to stick with it if it's not working for you.