Im afraid I will turn into my mother =( Warning: long

[Babydi]

dont get me wrong, I love my mom and we have a pretty great relationship...now. But it wasnt always that way.

Short Version: Anytime I express my thoughts on no spanking, no shaming etc. I am either laughed at and/or told to be careful because ill be eating my words. It really bothers me, but it also scares me. What if they ( my mom and grandma) are right?

A little more in depth- I am my mom's adopted daughter. My birth mother left me and my Dad when I was about 4 months, and died when I was five. My mom I have now (who I call Mom) entered my life when I was about 18 months. She was young...about 22, which she says is why she had no patience. (But mind you I am only 22 as well, and I think that is a pretty lame excuse to do a crappy parenting job) Anyways, my mom never physically hurt me but oh man could she make me cry out of sadness, shame, embarrassment etc. She used to tell me she was going to send me to boot camp behind my Dad's back. and when I would get "out of line" she would slap me in the mouth. Never hard enough to hurt but I still remember how it made me feel. Ive actually brought one incident up to her, a time we were at Disneyland and she slapped me for spitting into the pond around all my friends and a guy I had a crush on. and I cried in front of everyone, because I was SO embarrassed and just sad. I understand I shouldn't have spit (I was like 9) but still... She laughs about it now. She actually told the story to a friend of hers laughing and I wanted to cry. She really doesn't get it. Anyways, although its much more rare she still threatens to smack my brothers mouth's. They just sort of laugh at her now, but i remember her doing it to my brother when he was about 2. (I am 12 and 9 years apart from my brothers) It just makes me angry and hurt to think that, to her that was an appropriate way to teach us something. I feel like maybe I am just being over sensitive?

ok...before this gets any longer....she still acts as if she did nothing wrong. and swears I will be the same way. She tells me that nothing else worked with me and that well just see what happens when my daughter is a little older. It makes me furious, and terrifies me. Am I just being over optimistic to think I can parent and teach without hitting? Is it going to be THAT hard not to slap my child in the face? I feel like that wouldn't be anywhere near a normal reaction for me. Even my Grandma was sticking up for my mom today, saying to be careful I might eat my own words. My baby is only 9 months, am I just being naive? Please reassure me that it is possible to not turn out just like my mother. I don't ever want my daughter to feel some of the things I felt toward my parents growing up :

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

Well I won't tell you that there won't be moments of struggle. Our children bring out storng emotions in us-good and bad. In moments of emotional stress, our first impulse will often be to react with what we know. So if we were raised with physical punishment there will be moments when our first impuls in a given situation is going to be physical. That OK. Because we don't have to act on our first impulse. We can build other patterns for ourselves. The more you practice gental parenting the more natural it becomes.

Now that doesn't mean that your daughter will never do anything out of line just that you can respond to it apropriately.

[Magali]

You are already not like your mom in so many ways. Your mom sounds like she has been wrong about many things in her life, including how she has treated you. I have a feeling she is wrong about you "eating your words" too. You are aware of how you felt as a child and know that is not how you want to make your child feel. You are and will be a wonderful mother.

[serenityjewell]

You can do it! If you're in a relationship, I'm sure your partner/husband frustrates you from time to time, but you know you would never hit him. It is the same with our children. They will frustrate and confuse us, but we just need to make a concious decision that physical violence is not going to be a part of the routines in our home!

I believe it is possible and that you have the power to make it happen for your family,
Sarah*

[peace_momma]

First, you are not your mother and I don't think you're being too sensitive to be bothered when she laughs at a memory that sounds incredibly painful. My mother and step-father do that a lot, too. I am completely determined to be a very different parent. I agree with the PP that it will get more challenging as she grows and there will be days where everything is too much and you have to fight against the tape in your head not to react the way your mother did. But I believe, without even knowing you, that you are a caring, loving mother and you will be able to take a deep breath during rough moments and I'm fairly positive that you'll find a way to parent your child that does not include slapping her in the face.

[Babydi]

Thank you so much for your replies! I had just gotten home from visiting and a small argument over this so I was feeling very discouraged.

And your absolutely right serenityjewell I can get SO angry at DF and even want to throw something his way : LOL but I don't actually do it. and I dont hit him either, because you just dont hit people. I think I saw someone on here with a siggie that said something like "people are not for hitting. and children are people too" I love it!

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really needed it today!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

You can absolutely, positively break the cycle. Many of us here have done it. But, as a pp said, it is sometimes very hard to do and you have to be aware of it. I was raised being hit / slapped / spanked / down-right beaten occassionally. I don't know how my parents feel about it now, though they have made it clear they understand that doing any of this to their grandchildren will result in never seeing them again. Anyway, I will confess that sometimes that is also my first reaction when my kids are being, um, challenging (they are 8 and nearly 5). But it is possible to restrain yourself and come up with a different response. For some of us its not easy -- I don't know about everyone else, but it is a frequent struggle for me, especially when I'm not in top form. But so far, so good. If I can do it, so can you!!

[Babydi]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

You can absolutely, positively break the cycle. Many of us here have done it. But, as a pp said, it is sometimes very hard to do and you have to be aware of it. I was raised being hit / slapped / spanked / down-right beaten occassionally. I don't know how my parents feel about it now, though they have made it clear they understand that doing any of this to their grandchildren will result in never seeing them again. Anyway, I will confess that sometimes that is also my first reaction when my kids are being, um, challenging (they are 8 and nearly 5). But it is possible to restrain yourself and come up with a different response. For some of us its not easy -- I don't know about everyone else, but it is a frequent struggle for me, especially when I'm not in top form. But so far, so good. If I can do it, so can you!!

Oh by no means do I think I will never get upset. I realize that at some point I may have a reaction of wanting to smack a hand or bottom or yell when I'm frustrated. (yelling was big when I was growing up, and Im trying very hard to tone my voice down when I get upset.) but I also know that hitting is not how I want to parent and I want to make an effort to learn other ways to cope with my frustrations and anger. What a great mama you are! I hope I can give the same advice when my daughter is 8

[verde]

Your mother is trying to rationalize her own behavior by suggesting to you that what she did is what everyone would, of course, do in the same situation. Therefore if you don't act like she did, and like everyone else obviously would, that means that it YOU who are the weird, odd, rebellious, unreasonable person, not her. If you do act like her then she doesn't have to evaluate her own behavior. If you don't act like her and successfully raise a child without hitting and shaming your daughter, then you will challenge her ideas and make her feel extremely uncomfortable.

I commend you for wanting to change your approach to parenting from that of your mother's. However, I think you should be prepared for her to continue to say, "you'll eat your words." She's trying to undermine your confidence because what you are doing is actually threatening to her own sense of herself as a mother. You need to find a way to let her words roll off of you. It's not easy but you need to do it because she will not stop saying those type of things to you. Everytime your daughter does something that is frustrating to you, your mother will be right there encouraging you to act like she did.

Here's a bit of wisdom I've picked up from another source: You can't change other people, you can only change how you react to those people. If I were you, I would not expect your mother to change, so you need to work on how YOU will change to her upsetting and aggravating but not unexpected statements.

Good luck and don't give up!

[gaialice]

Well, finding mdc when your dd is little is a recipe for being a good, good mommy. We will all be here for you when you feel overwhelmed. See the thread I started yesterday. I was feeling very spent, and sad, when I first posted, and I had advice from so many moms about a better way of dealing with things, and I feel a lot better now.

Also, think about it this way. If our children truly believe that it is OK to hit your child if she spits in a pond, how will they grow up stong enough to stand in the name of peace? We need no more wars. We need to grow up a non violent generation that will repudiate aggression as a way of solving conflicts. See how what you yourself will do (are doing) with your lo as one major contribution to world peace. Because it is.

Mind you though, I am not saying that you are responsible for who your dd will grow up to be. Each of us owns their lives in the end. And your post is a true proof of that: even if your mom spanked, you do not believe in spanking...

I agree with Verde that your mom will continue to say those hurtful things and not only your mom but very possibly the whole family. One of the best advice I got on this forum is to ignore unsolicited advice. If people start bugging you on parenting, change topic like: "Can you please pass me the dip sauce please" "Wow, this sauce is delicious". If they really insist, "Oh, I forgot, I need to make a phone call and it is urgent. Please excuse me". You will also need to be firm in setting limits in how your mom handles your dd -- when she grows up.