3 y.o. wants me to feed him...

[happyhearts]

all the time, and my dh says I should not. I do not know how to handle it. DS will be 3 next week, and for the past few months he has wanted me to feed him all the time. I do it b/c I figured it was just a phase, but it does not seem to be passing. When my dh is alone with him, he tells him no. DS does cry, but he then feeds himself. For me, if I say no he just cries and cries. I feel terrible, so I end up feeding him all the time. It is frustrating b/c usually I am trying to feed myself, too, lol. I do not want to be too permissive, but I also want to be sensitive to his feelings. I don't know where this is coming from, though. (I should add that he is highly sensitive)
Any tips on how I should handle this??

[rumi]

sounds like a difficult situation. I too woudl think it would pass, but there are probably creative ideas you could try while it passes. One thing I always did in case of any eating difficulty was change the eating environment, usually by goin gout. How about having a picnic? Or going for a stroll> Can you put food in some dishes on his stroller tray. WIthout making an issue of him eating on his own, just try differetn scenarios wherre he may just eat on his own without remembering to ask you to feed him.

How about having other kids eat at the same time - if everyone is eating, he just may do so too.

Also - you could have him eat with dad more frequently. Not as a punishment but somehow work it in> Also talk to him about it and ask him also to compare how it is to eat himself and to be fed. Maybe he has other concerns that will surface in teh course of talking about it?

Anyway, I do know kids who are fed even at age 3 or 4 and they do outgrow it. Best thing is to try to keep it simple (don't follow them around the house with the food, try to sit at the table together and try to eat at the same time).

[rumi]

More to think about: maybe he needs to eat more frequently? Is he already too hungry by mealtime? Or possibly is he not yet hungry at mealtime? Are there any foods that he does eat himself and what are they? Are they healthy foods?

[mamabear&babybear]

DD1 wanted me to feed her all the time. I complied until dd2 came along. I had to slowly give her responsibility for feeding herself (otherwise I would never get to eat).

Try starting with small things. Put the food on the fork or spoon but ask your ds to do the rest. Try to make it fun by asking him if he can make an airplane noise (or whatever) as he brings it to his mouth or you could make the noise for him. Then slowly ask him to do more by having him do every other bite. It took quite some time and she still often asks me to feed her but she does the majority by herself. Also be prepared for him to eat less. DD1 went through a time where she just ate less, because she didn't want to do the work. I am slowly learning with dd1 that I have to teach her everything. She doesn't learn from watching us. I had to take her hands and show her how to scoop food etc. I have to be very tactile with her. HTH

[dovey]

Different cultures feed kids for different numbers of years. I've read that a certain culture in India feeds their children for 3 or 4 years. In the US, some people never feed their babies. My mom fed me (not entirely, of course) until I was 6 or 7. She will still pop berries into my mouth occasionally.

If your son wants to be fed, I'd go for it. We just stopped feeding our 4 year old son because I think he needs more control over what he is eating. For him it was becoming unhealthy to be fed all the time. I felt like he wasn't recognizing when he was hungry or full. But he still asks to be fed occasionally. I don't think it's a bad thing as long as he's developing healthy eating habits and can say "Yes" or "no" about what goes into his mouth.

[DevaMajka]

My 3.5 yo asks me to feed him sometimes (usually at least once per meal).

Up until the last couple months, I was pretty much just doing it. Now that I'm telling him that I'm busy and that he's old enough to feed himself, he's fine with that. I imagine that if I'd told him that 6 mos ago, that he wouldn't have accepted it so easily.

I don't remember really if he was asking me to feed him while I wanted to feed myself. hmmm...Perhaps give him a bite, then you eat for a while, and see what happens. Maybe you could tell him that you'd be happy to help him, after you've had a few more bites yourself.

It seems possible that your frustration comes from your dh's comments, not in the feeding itself. What I mean is, if your dh never commented, would it even occur to you to be bothered by your ds's requests to feed him?

[captain optimism]

Have you tried either of these:

1. giving him foods to dip--my ds liked anything to dip and anything in a funky container or dish at that age

2. asking him to feed you, first? (this could be fun but messy!)

I think the previous poster who wondered whether he might be too hungry and needs more snacks might be on to something.

[happyhearts]

Thank you all soooo much!! You made me feel so much better about it!
I really do not mind feeding him. To be totally honest, the only times it bothers me is when my dh makes comments or when we are in public. I don't want to care what other people think, but I guess in some ways I do.
So I am just going to ride it out and continue to feed him but try the every other bite idea or even if I put it on the fork. If that doesn't work, I won't worry about it for now. Thanks again!!

[Xoe]

If he has disordered eating and low weight gain/malnutrition, I'd keep feeding him. In certain countries (India comes to mind) it's common for parents to feed children by hand for years, as a sign of love. On the other hand. If he is healthy and will eat when hungry, then stop feeding him and let him do it by himself. In my own, personal experience, kids who can do certain things, will do these things, if they are required. Then, once they are doing things by themselves, they feel proud of their independence and growth. It won't be easy to break the cycle. Perhaps you can wait until the weekend, then let your son eat his next three or four meals with your DH?

Good luck!

xoe

[Embee]

Ah, this happened a lot with DS on and off. Funnily enough, he asked me to feed him this morning (he turned 7 on Friday)! Actually, he was watching a documentary on baby tigers in captivity who are fed by people when their moms won't care for them... he was wishing to understand their experience.

At any rate, if I could go back and do one thing over when DS was smaller, it would to be to totally relax about anything regressive, just don't sweat it. In general, I came around to that way of thinking when DS would want me to feed him, or need to nurse more after a time when he didn't need it so much, etc. I just wish I hadn't gone through the "freaked out" phase first and just totally relaxed and went with it from the start. Usually, they just need that "you'll be there no matter what" reassurance and once the need is met, they can move on.

As to it not passing, it could be she understands that there is some stress involved with this behavior. Particularly if you and DH are taking different approaches. That alone could be enough to fuel the behavior, and keeping her hanging onto it. Kids are so perceptive! Relax and go with it with NO stress or questions and it will likey pass. Kids do go through phases of regression and it's entirely normal. If their needs are met, and their attachment is in order, they also go through the normal stages of maturation, not the least of which is wanting to do for themselves... the thinking on this is if you "do for them" they'll never do for themselves but I just have no evidence that this is true. However, I do have experience with the opposite. The more I resisted, the more I fueled DS's anxieties and arrested the maturation process. The more the behavior persisted. That is just a fact of my own experience of course. I can't speak for everyone but more and more I beginning to see that most things are that way: completely opposite from how our culture would like you to believe. *sigh*

I'd tell DH to relax and enjoy it. DH actually LIKES feeding DS, he NEVER balked and I believe he fed him much longer than I did. There is something very comforting about a parent feeding a child. DS generally eats on his own now unless I share some of my chocolate with him as a surprise and pop it into his mouth!

THe best and hang in there!

Em

[rumi]

Relax and go with it with NO stress or questions and it will likey pass. Kids do go through phases of regression and it's entirely normal. If their needs are met, and their attachment is in order, they also go through the normal stages of maturation, not the least of which is wanting to do for themselves...

well said.

[Jenlaana]

Originally Posted by Xoe

In certain countries (India comes to mind) it's common for parents to feed children by hand for years, as a sign of love.

I'm not "in a certain country" although South Carolina does seem like a foreign country to me sometimes, but this is my take on it. My daughter is 2 and I feed her all the time and will continue to do so as long as she wants me to. I have a 2 month old too (and a 12 yr old for that matter so btdt) and I guess I don't see why its such a huge deal. IMO your DH needs to be a little more giving on this issue. Its not gonna kill anyone if you feed your child for another 6 months. Its not like he'll be asking you to feed him by hand through college or anything. And talking from experience, they grow up SO fast, why rush these things?

[majikfaerie]

I'd keep feeding him. he's worth it.
just wondering, how does he eat (I mean mechanically; fingers, spoon, knife and fork)?
maybe he'd do better with more freedom to play with his food and eat by hand (if he is supposed to use utensils)
when he;s ready, he'll do it. 3 is still young to expect a child to do everything for themselves all the time.