How do you set nursing limits and stick to them?

[Cativari]

How do you set nursing limits and stick to them?

I'm tandeming and it's going well except DD(20 months) is nursing every half hour to hour at least. She was doing this before the baby and I was tired of it then but I'm even more so now that Ds is going through his first growth spurt. I have tried distraction, offering food and drink or other activities but it usually makes her mad and she has a fit. She tries to get into my shirt and will even open my bra and TAKE what she wants with force. I am getting a little resentful of her. And I need to change it.

Please tell me how to change it.
Thanks

[DevaMajka]

When ds was 2.5, I started setting real nursing limits. I think, looking back, that I should have tried harder to set limits earlier, as I was resenting it long before. I think he was about 2 when I was getting tired of nursing ALL the time!
I HATED when he grabbed me and lifted my shirt up after I'd said no. I started just getting up and leaving. It was a very negative feeling for me. I think it's very important to LET ourselves set our boundaries.

An older child doesn't NEED to nurse every time they want to do it. But that's hard, because I felt very strongly that I wanted to make things agreeable to him. There wasn't much of a way to work out the nursing thing to we were both happy with it. I eventually just had to give myself permission to have boundaries that he wasn't happy with.

Anyways, my ds was older, but I'll tell you what I did. I set up a nursing routine. He was nursing a LOT when I started. I figured 10 times a day, that pretty much covered when he typically nursed, then that was the limit. It was a very loose routine- At first it was nursing: before waking in the am, twice before nap time, at nap time, when waking from nap, twice before bed, nurse to sleep, and twice at night. Yeah, it was a pain to keep track of it.

Then I cut down one session every so often, when I could tell that a certain time was becoming less important to him, or very stressful for me. It ended up averaging about one every 2-4 weeks. Every time I cut down one or two, it made a big difference in how I felt about nursing.

It was important that I tell him what was happening, and give him lots of info on how many 'nips' he had left, and when they would be.

Most of the time, he was ok with it. I'd read to him, play with him, cuddle, offer a drink, food, etc. But reading helped the most (I think it was the cuddly, direct attention thing). Other times, he got upset, but nothing too bad (about as bad as telling him no more juice, kwim?).
I did a reward-ish type thing once, because he was having a really hard time going from 5 times a day to 4. After he was at 4 for a week, he got a toy from a store. It helped in a way- even though he wasn't happy about it, it at least gave him something fun to look forward to, kwim?

He's down to 1 nursing session a day, and we're both happy with it.

[ruhbehka]

I'd be hesitant about setting limits right now, because I suspect this is rooted in insecurity about your little one's place in the family, in light of the recent addition!

What about scooping her up each time she asks to nurse and saying, "Ok, but I want to give you a big snuggle hug first" or saying, "Well, ok, but can I rock you and you pretend to be my little baby for a minute?"

That may satisfy the 'nursing need' even without nursing, and if it doesn't, it may at least limit the number of times she asks. Or even giving her the words to ask for what she really wants... like, "I think maybe you really want a hug and a snuggle. Can you ask mama, "Snuggle?" and see if that helps?

[LynnS6]

If you're getting resentful, the relationship needs to change.

When I was working on night weaning dd (she reverse cycled, so her major nursing times were all night long), I wrote her a book talking about how when she was a tiny baby, she needed to nurse to grow, and when she got older, she needed to nurse for comfort, but now that she was even older, it was too hard on Mom and Dad to be woken up all the time. And because she'd learned so many new things, she could learn to not nurse. She might be sad, or angry, but we would help her by holding her and cuddling. The book helped her to understand what was going on in an intellectual level.

I like Deva's approach, and would do something similar.
1. Decide how often you can nurse her without feeling resentful.
2. Cut out one nursing session a week or so until you reach that goal.
3. Don't sit in your regular nursing chair/spot if you don't want to nurse. It took 4-5 months before I could lie down in bed without dd asking to nurse!
4. Stand up when she rips open your shirt and takes what she wants. That's an act of violence against you, just like hitting. So, I would treat it like hitting.
5. Comfort her as she lets you and as best suits her personality. That may be cuddling, that may be reading books, that may be wrestling.

[MtBikeLover]

I wrote a very similar post on another message board about 1 year ago. The only difference in my situation was that I wasn't tandem nursing. I also worked but my DD would be on my breast from the second I walked in the door until the second i went to bed. I became very resentful and angry and was starting to hate nursing.

Here is what I did:

First I started with teaching her nursing manners. She was not allowed to lift my shirt and jut take. She had to ask me. If she tried to lift my shirt anyway, then I got up and walked away. This took about 2-3 weeks of being very consistent. But it worked and she started asking me and being respectful.

Next, I started cutting down the time she would nurse. I would try to make it longer and longer between sessions. She would ask to nurse and I would tell her "Ok, you can nurse one time and then we are done for awhile. Agreed?" And she would nod and I would nurse her. If she asked a few minutes later then i would remind her that she just nursed and try to find something else for her to do. If she kept insisting then I would tell her after we did _____ then she could nurse. Sometimes she would get engrossed with whatever she was doing and then completely forget.

This took way longer than 2-3 weeks...probably 2-3 months and there was definitely crying. But if I hadn't done this, I would have stopped nursing a long time ago because I was really growing to hate it.

[ktmama]

First, I agree that helping her learn some appropriate nursing manners might help your disposition! That said, my dd2 is pretty consistent with asking 1st thing in the morning, at nap time and after (when she naps) and at bedtime. When she asks any other time, I'll just ask her if she's bored or does she need a hug? If my nips are sore (I'm pg), I'll just tell her my milkies are hurting and she needs to wait until bedtime. She's really become OK with these boundaries. Good luck!

[delphiniumpansy]

I like Lynn's post. Right on. But, I would add to replace her need with a bowl of snacks and a sippy or cup. That way, she will learn to monitor her own hunger and thirst. When I was weaning my first, I did the one nursing a day replacement as Lynn suggested but I also offered a bowl of snacks and a sippy of either water or milk. She was fine with that. We also cuddled and snuggled a lot so that was not missing from the relationship.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Hmmm. What I did was set limits and stick to them (kind of obvious, eh?). It was at about the same age, with my 1st and my 2nd was newborn. So I told her what the limits were, and if she was upset about it I sympathized, would hug her or cuddle if she wanted to, but I wouldn't nurse her. Just because they don't like a limit you set doesn't mean you have to give in and let them have their way.

[sunnysideup]

One thing that can help is to try to be proactive about meeting the needs that nursing meets in other ways. Offer lots of attention and snacks, drinks, etc. before she asks.

Also, some toddlers nurse a lot out of boredom, keeping more active than normal can be helpful.

[motherearthdancer]

Great advice from the other posters, so I'll just say that my 3 yo is a very persistant nurser. I've had limits on him from before he turned two and I just adapted them as my needs as a mom changed. I am tandem nursing with my 4 month old as well. I tell him he is not to grab at my lala's and it would be nice to hear him ask nicely if he would like to nurse. I tell him that mommy needs a little break and I'd be happy to nurse him in a little bit and offer other suggestions. I've told him after I was done nursing brother he could have a turn (sometimes he would forget after that), I tell him that he needs to wait until mommy is ready and mommy isn't ready yet because I need to (insert need such as bathroom, cook, rest) and I ask him if he wants to help me, or snuggle with me, or pick out a book. He is still very persistant and even goes to "tell on me" to Daddy. then he comes back and says, "My Daddy Saaaaaaiiiiiiiid....I want my lala!" And sometimes its too cute and I give in, but most of the time I say. oh daddy did, did he? and he repeats "My Daddy saaaaiiiiiiiid...." Then I say, "Okay...let me finish (insert project) first and then we can have lala". I've also said, "okay, after your cartoon is over you can have lala" or "after bath time" or "you can have lala at bedtime". I just keep repeating myself over and over. sometimes he gets fussy, but I just stick to it and we get by.

[sunnysideup]

Originally Posted by motherearthdancer

then he comes back and says, "My Daddy Saaaaaaiiiiiiiid....I want my lala!" And sometimes its too cute and I give in, but most of the time I say. oh daddy did, did he? and he repeats "My Daddy saaaaiiiiiiiid...."

That is so cute. The other day, I was busy and trying to put off nursing my 3yo. She said, "I'll give you five dollars if you'll give me na-na."

[motherearthdancer]

Originally Posted by sunnysideup

That is so cute. The other day, I was busy and trying to put off nursing my 3yo. She said, "I'll give you five dollars if you'll give me na-na."

See, and if we hadn't nursed this long we wouldn't have these wonderful stories to tell them some day.

[mommytomahmoud]

the nursing limit i set with my 18 month old is this

we have to be laying down in bed or on the floor if we r out like at a friends house and we can lay down on the floor

soo far it worked for us the only we r working on now is him always touching my boob and trying to pull it out when he wants hahah which really drives me nuts even if it is cute hahah

[peaceful_mama]

If you haven't read Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, I highly recommend it. She's got TONS of suggestions, you can pick and choose what fits your lifestyle/beliefs/needs of everyone.

I think she also does an excellent job of illustrating that it is a RELATIONSHIP with *two* people whose needs have to be met. In other words, if you are feeling stressed, it is time to change something, and it is not wrong to feel that way and act on it. Provided, of course, that you do it in a way that respects your child's continued need for nursing.

she also does a great job of talking about how a toddler's needs in general differ from an infant's and ideas on how to meet those needs without nursing-as a part of a natural weaning process. (like even now, my baby is 12 months and most evenings at home she nurses a *lot*, probably two or three times between supper and bed--she's getting tired, bored with being at home whatever. Tonight we went to the library, and once when I was about to offer even, she slid her way out of my lap to go chase her brother and didn't nurse till she was WAY tired when we were about to go home.)

many of the ideas are things people have mentioned here. but the whole book is great IMO and gave me a good perspective on nursing my baby as she's becoming a toddler...

[BonMaman]

Originally Posted by ruhbehka

I'd be hesitant about setting limits right now, because I suspect this is rooted in insecurity about your little one's place in the family, in light of the recent addition!

What about scooping her up each time she asks to nurse and saying, "Ok, but I want to give you a big snuggle hug first" or saying, "Well, ok, but can I rock you and you pretend to be my little baby for a minute?"

That may satisfy the 'nursing need' even without nursing, and if it doesn't, it may at least limit the number of times she asks. Or even giving her the words to ask for what she really wants... like, "I think maybe you really want a hug and a snuggle. Can you ask mama, "Snuggle?" and see if that helps?

I think this is a great insight and idea, one that helps set the stage for the days to come when nursing isn't a part of the relationship but is mindful of the need for close physical and emotional contact presently fulfilled by nursing.

[wendizbaby]

I'm considering weaning or cutting back, but I'm curious about the night weaning part...it's hard to explain to a half-asleep toddler that it's not time for nursies and here are cuddles instead. Was that part more difficult for you all to cut out?
Thanks!
Wendi

[soybeansmama]

nursin' tokens

I just wanted to share something that worked for us after the baby was born...

Sawyer is 4 and during my pregnancy with Atticus I became very grossed out and resentful of his nursing. It wasn't just just a physical reaction, but I also felt a strange kind of angry toward him that took me by suprise. I felt conflicted with wanting to meet his needs and also needing my sanity. Something had to be done...

After the baby was born, Sawyer became grabby and weepy when I said no to him. I felt like I was just dreading the next time he would ask to nurse. We came up with "nursin' tokens." I covered 2 gatorade lids with foil and stick on rhinestones and put them in a little bucket in his room. He was allowed to cash them in for a nursin' if the time worked out for both of us. Having something tangible like this seemed to take away the anxiety for both of us about when he was going to ask and if I was going to say no. It took about a week for him to catch on, but after a few months of this, the nursin' fits stopped and my resentment seemed to fade away. I think back to even a few moths ago and what an aweful adjustment period that was. So glad to be over the hump

just remember to meet your needs, too, mama. It amazing how we figure out how to meet their needs when we seek to meet our own. good luck!

[bugsma]

you know how sometimes you accidently find exactly what you need? that's what happened to me today finding this thread. kisses to you all.