another 'age gap' thread

[ann_of_loxley]

We can all say what exact age (gap) we feel is best for having another child. But what is it in that age (gap) that we feel is so good about it?

So lets get specific! hehe

What is it for you?

Do you want to wait until your current child has self weaned off the brest?
Do you want to wait until they can walk? Walk long distances? Or do you not mind maybe having to have a double buggy/slinging two children at once?
How about your childs understanding? Patience? Physical abilities to do things for themself...etc?

What are you willing to compromise on? Whats most important for you?

Dont be afraid to make it long hehe

[Tanlines]

I like close age gaps because i think its fun for them all to grow up together and go through the same things around the same time. i will be breastfeeding two kids at once when this new babe comes along, and i think it will be an awesome experience. i like the fact that they can all be close. I remember growing up and playing with my sisters (we were all 1-3 years apart) and we had so much fun because we were all interested in the same type of games

[crazydiamond]

I would have been perfectly happy to have them a year apart. Two years was the largest gap I wanted. But unfortunately due to infertility, pg loss, and some medical issues, mine will be 3 years apart exactly. I've gotten over the loss of my ideal spacing and I know things will turn out just fine.

In hindsight, I guess I'm glad I didn't get pg within DDs first year because I lost my supply completely at 13wks pg and nursing her for a full year was important to me. We ended up nursing much longer, but I would have been alright with only 1 year if it meant another child.

My brother and I are 6 years apart. Our relationship and time growing up was OK, but it's not something I personaly desired for my own kids.

[woobysma]

I didn't really choose the boys' age gap on purpose. I was single & 19 when DS1 was born and had no desire to be a young single mom to 2. So, I waited 7 years to have DS2.
Honestly, I love the big gap. DS1 and I were a duo for years. I was able to give him my undivided attention. We got to travel and do our own thing, which would have been hard with 2 kiddos, I think.

When DS2 was born, DS1 was old enough not to really need so much help with things. He could fix himself a sandwhich if I was trapped on the couch in a 2 hour nursing marathon. He could talk to me about how he was feeling about sharing our life with a new family member. It's been really cool.

Now that DS2 is 3, there's starting to be a little more brotherly fights and such, but they don't really compete for the same things, so I think it's easier to get everyone's needs met, yk? They have their squabbles, but they don't fight over toys or get jealous over the same things, like my sisters and I used to.

All in all, I like it. I feel like I can be more present with each of them as individuals because they are so completely unique, development-wise. But, they also have an amaizing bond. DS1 is so protective and kind with DS2 and DS2, despite his wildly independant streak, is also totally in love with his brother and really looks up to him.

I had a thought the other day that the 7 year gap also means I never have 2 kids in a "tough" stage at the same time. I never had 2 in diapers, won't have 2 in college at the same time, etc. Right now, DS2 is in the "crazy 3yo" stage and DS1 is coasting in 4th grade. When DS1 gets into his moody pre-teen stage, DS2 will have calmed into that sweet 5yo stage. When we're worrying about graduation and picking out colleges with DS1, DS2 will be coasting in 4th grade......

My mind boggles at the idea of having an infant and trying to chase DS2 around right now I feel like I'd miss stuff. My sisters and I are all 2 years apart, so when I was DS2's age, my mom had me plus a 1yo and was pregnant. I can't even wrap my head around that :

[wemoon]

My kids are 21 months apart and I really like this age gap. I didn't choose it, it just happened. At first was unsure about having them so close together, but it turned out really well. I weaned my oldest before the baby was born and she was able to go without diapers within 6 months of the birth of her brother. So I just moved from breastfeeding and changing diapers for one to doing it for the other. It was a nice transition.

Now they are 6 and 8 years old and they get along very well. They are a pair of siblings who I think will have a great relationship as they grow up and become adults. Of couse they have their arguements, but they are able to play with each other and be interested in similar things. I don't have to worry about keeping toys age appropriate for different age groups because they are on the same level. I'd be freaking out with a toddler now because of all the marbles, doll house, and other teeny tiny toys!

[wednesday]

I didn't choose such a long spacing (almost 5 years) on purpose, but I am very happy I've been able to focus so much on DS all these years. And I'll really be able to give the new baby a lot of attention because DS is so independent at this point. I also think the "close enough to play together" idea is over-rated, my sister and I are 18 months apart and we were NEVER playmates. We had very different personalities, completely separate circles of friends, different interests... I was actually much closer to my 5-years-younger sister.

[vermonttaylors]

We have been unable to choose our kids age gap but my first two are only 10 1/2 months apart. I freaking love this gap!!! It is hard and exhausting sometimes, but so much great 99.9% of the time. We didn't expect it (dd's adoption went about a year faster than we had anticipated) but we love it. Now we are waiting for our 3rd child and he/she will be 4-4 1/2 years younger than ds and about 3 1/2 years younger than dd. That's a little bigger than I would have liked, but I needed to get some sleep before I could think about another baby. We think we may want one more after this and we will try to space the last 2 a little closer so they have a sibling near then age-wise.

[miss_sonja]

Mine are 3 2/3 years apart, and I would have waited another 6 months or so ideally, but I was feeling some fertility pressure (inconsistent periods, etc). DD1 was not self-weaned and I wish she'd had more time to nurse without pregnancy interfering.

They enjoy each other, fight a lot but play a lot too. It's a similar spacing to me and my sister and between DH and his sister also, so it felt familiar to us.

I would never ever have wanted them any closer. It's my own personal nightmare to have two under two or two under three. I know some people enjoy it, but for me, well, gave me shudders. Hence the big space :-).

What's most important is that you space them in a way that gives you, as a mom, confidence. The kids will work it out, however they're spaced. It's the mom who needs to know what she can handle.

[MichelleAnnette]

Ds is 6.5 months now and it will be years before we are ready for the next one. We also aren't planning on any specific number of children - just planning to keep having them - just not close together. I want ds to be self-weaned (mostly), potty independent (we do EC so that will prob happen first), and sleep in his own bed most of the time (okay maybe that won't happen if he is anything like me).

I'm more terrified of getting pg now than I have ever been in my life, which is totally irrational considering my periods have not come back yet. I think ds will be 4 or 5 when the next one is born. My sister and I are 4.5 years apart.

[Kessed]

I really like all the 24 month spacings I've seen But we really don't want another fall baby. It sucked being in the house all winter.

So we've settled on 2.5 years. That way we will get a spring baby next time.

I've also seen alot of 3 to 4 year spacings. And it doesn't seem to work as well. Either the baby misses out on baby play groups - which the older child benifited from. Or the older child gets held back.

[Peony]

It is also my own personal nightmare to have 2 under 2 or 3 like another PP mentioned. My DD's are just shy of 4y apart, and I love it. What is *very* important to me is that my youngest child gets two full years of BM before a pg disrupts the supply. I also do not want two babies at once, and at 2 years of age, they are still very much a baby IMO. I want the youngest to be sleeping the night before pg, I don't do night weaning so that is not an option for me. Two in dipes in ok, not something I'd look forward to though. My sister and I were 24m apart and we hated each other growing up, I wonder if we had been spaced apart more, if our relationship would of been different. Being 2y apart though, we were often enrolled in the same programs, shared friends, etc... when we wanted nothing to do with each other.


A couple of drawbacks, DD2 gets dragged along to gymnastics, soccer, dance, etc... Chasing a toddler out of a gymnastics gym for 50 minutes straight isn't the highlight of my week. Her nap time is often nonexistant due to our busy schedule. Now that the DD's are 5 and 1, they do play together. DD1 understands DD2 is a baby and doesn't hit her back when DD2 whacks her with a toy... She has more patience and understanding for her little sister. This spacing works very well for my family, and I will continue a 3-4y spacing for my next DC.

[mightymoo]

Been thinking a lot about this lately. My two are 26 months apart. I wanted my kids close together for much the reasons that everyone here who wants that has stated.

Seeing the different perspectives is interesting - for example Peony not wanting 2 in diapers at one time, its completely opposite from how I look at it, I'd rather have them close together so I only have to deal with diapers for a shorter total period of time!

We wanted a third, spaced the same, but I misscarried. Then I convinced myself I was going to stick to two, then I decided to try again, then we stopped trying because being pregnant and due in march would have totally messed up being at my brother's wedding in march, then we convinced ourselves again we were overwhelmed with just two. But I can't get rid of the baby stuff and I keep thinking I'm not ready to be done. But the earliest I want to start trying based on everything going on this year and not really wanting a winter baby in this cold climate is June, which would space my next baby 4 years from his older brother and 6 from his sister.

I'm curious to hear others experiences with a short gap then a longer one? I've been thinking a lot about this and that it may even be better this way than if the last pregnancy had m/c, but I'm not sure.

[Joyster]

My latest LO was kind of a surprise in timing, ideally I'd like there to be about three years apart, in this case, it's a little over two. If I can, I'd like to have this LO out of diapers before I have the next one. I think that is my biggest thing. Maybe a bit more able to entertain himself while I nurse, but my 2 year old is pretty good at that for about 1/2 hour so that's good. If he is like my 2 year old, I think potty training will probably be the only issue. We're swimming in diapers now.

[MommaLove]

Well I kind of have the best of both worlds. All my kids are close in age, yet my oldest and my youngest are about 8 years apart. I love having closely spaced kids, but also with the 8 and 3 month (today!!!) old, she understood about the pregnancy and loves to try to take care of Kate. It's bittersweet.

[CheapPearls]

I have 3 boys under the age of 4. MUAHAHAHHAHA! Yeah I'm insane. There's a 23 months between H & T and 21 months between T & E. E is 2 1/2 months, T turns 2 next month and H turns 4 in March. I just can't wait until they are 14,16 and 18. Oh the joooooooy.

That said, I love their spacing. There's 8 years between me and my older brother and we NEVER got along until after he moved out of the house. Then Dh and his younger brother are 15 months apart and were and still are best friends, when they weren't trying to kill each other anyway. We both want that for our kids. Plus dealing with the diapers and baby stuff for a shorter amount of time works for us.

Having 3 so young does lead to burn out (yesterday was an example) but over all, I'm happy about it. My older 2 get along well even with their different personalities. H is the loud, hyper, bouncing off the walls one and T is quiet, reserved and perfectly happy sitting around with puzzles and books for hours. Makes me wonder how E will be when he's 2.

I do find that sometimes other people think I shouldn't have had my kids like this, especially since I am 21. H was unplanned but DH and I went with it and even though we are young, we weren't going to let a little speed bump ruin our plans on how we wanted our family. We also got pregnant knowing Dh was going to be deployed. If we had waited until he got back the kids would have had 3 1/2 years between them and we both decided that's not what we wanted.

Well, I'm sure there's more I could add but my mental train just fell off the tracks.

[ann_of_loxley]

A lot of you use the gaps you yourselves had with your siblings and the relationships you and your siblings had to decide which age gap would be best for your own children. However there are no conclusive remarks - not all are saying the same things...

So...

Do you think, at all, that perhaps its not the age gaps you had with your sibling that made or broke your relationship (so perhaps its not that you were so far apart in age or too close in age at all) -but perhaps the way your parents dealt with that gap? Because I think any age gap can go the wrong way if the parents dont handle things very well. If that makes sense...

We have decided on a larger age gap...though im very very broody right now! lol - Its something I do think of often. Its always nice to hear what others think as well!

For us, what I feel matters most to me at the moment is the relationship/bond/trust my son and I have now - making sure that is strong and secure before we bring another child into the family. My sons understanding too - he can talk but its very limited and so is his understanding. I try to think 'how would this situation work if I had a baby to look after as well' - and often times the answer it 'it wouldnt work well at all' because of these reasons. I think if we were still BF - that would be something important to me as well (waiting till my son self weaned). We are still co sleeping but I think I can do another child in the bed with us so thats not something thats as important.

hmm...still thinking lol

[VisionaryMom]

My sister and I are 9 years apart. That's mostly by circumstance as my mom got pregnant with me at 18. So, I knew that I didn't want to wait that long. My sister's view of growing up is so different from mine because by that time, my mom had gone back to school and was doing much better that it's almost as if we grew up in different families.

My kids are 23 months apart. I wanted a bit more time, but fate/God intervened. I got pg with DD on accident, so here she is. I love having them so close, though. They do share a lot of interests. DD adores her big brother, and he seems to get a lot of joy out of "teaching" her the ropes of playing, signing, etc.

[Petersmamma]

My ds will be 3 in March, and we would like another child but we live in a very small house and I'm still in school and about to start teaching next year. For us, a big thing is logistics.

While we could have 2 kids in our house, I wouldn't want to do it for very long, so waiting until there's a chance we could move soon after the babe was born seems logical. Plus, I don't want to take maternity leave OR be pg during my first year teaching, as I will have enough going on without the added "stresses" (not meant in a neg way) of pregnancy.

Then there's the relationship aspect. Our family dynamic right now is awesome. Ds obviously enjoys being an only right now, and gets jealous when I pay attention to the DOG. And I enjoy being able to read, learn to sew, etc. As busy as I am right now, I think about adding a 2nd and doubt I would EVER have time to myself.

I also like the idea of ds being self-sufficient, if not able to actually help (and by that, I mean sometimes help keep the babe amused). He's potty trained for the most part, but still wakes most nights, needs help on the potty, etc. Him being a bit more independent would make the helplessness of a new babe easier to deal with.

Then there's the money aspect. We have ds in a Montessori dc, and we love that. Now, every babe is different, and maybe our 2nd won't be as social. We have thought about dh staying home with ds next year when I work full time, but honestly, ds LOVES his school and LOVES the interaction. Dh is honest and knows that he couldn't provide the same stimulation. Plus, we would like to be able to support ds in any interests (not all, but one or MAYBE two) that he develops in the future. For example, dh really enjoys martial arts and we think ds might like it, too. But martial arts is REALLY expensive.

So then we start thinking about a 2nd, and think that we would like to provide that same lifestyle to a 2nd babe and we don't think we could afford that, at least not right now.

For us, right now, there are more reasons to wait than to go ahead. Of course, if we got pg accidently, we would be thrilled (after an initial period of panic and despair, I'm sure! )

[Petersmamma]

Originally Posted by woobysma

I didn't really choose the boys' age gap on purpose. I was single & 19 when DS1 was born and had no desire to be a young single mom to 2. So, I waited 7 years to have DS2.
Honestly, I love the big gap. DS1 and I were a duo for years. I was able to give him my undivided attention. We got to travel and do our own thing, which would have been hard with 2 kiddos, I think.

When DS2 was born, DS1 was old enough not to really need so much help with things. He could fix himself a sandwhich if I was trapped on the couch in a 2 hour nursing marathon. He could talk to me about how he was feeling about sharing our life with a new family member. It's been really cool.

Now that DS2 is 3, there's starting to be a little more brotherly fights and such, but they don't really compete for the same things, so I think it's easier to get everyone's needs met, yk? They have their squabbles, but they don't fight over toys or get jealous over the same things, like my sisters and I used to.

All in all, I like it. I feel like I can be more present with each of them as individuals because they are so completely unique, development-wise. But, they also have an amaizing bond. DS1 is so protective and kind with DS2 and DS2, despite his wildly independant streak, is also totally in love with his brother and really looks up to him.

I had a thought the other day that the 7 year gap also means I never have 2 kids in a "tough" stage at the same time. I never had 2 in diapers, won't have 2 in college at the same time, etc. Right now, DS2 is in the "crazy 3yo" stage and DS1 is coasting in 4th grade. When DS1 gets into his moody pre-teen stage, DS2 will have calmed into that sweet 5yo stage. When we're worrying about graduation and picking out colleges with DS1, DS2 will be coasting in 4th grade......

My mind boggles at the idea of having an infant and trying to chase DS2 around right now I feel like I'd miss stuff. My sisters and I are all 2 years apart, so when I was DS2's age, my mom had me plus a 1yo and was pregnant. I can't even wrap my head around that :

I love this post! It reassures me! I read so many posts about why people want their kids close, etc etc. It's nice to hear from someone with a bigger age gap who is positive about it.

Plus, I think it depends on your resources, etc. For example, if I had been able to SAH (or dh) with ds and one of us had a stable, well paying job, we would probably have #2 right now. But that's not our situation. We are able to take care of ds, but to take care of another child would REALLY cramp our standard of living (and trust me, we do not live fancy, by ANY stretch of the imagination).

Further, our motivation for having a 2nd may be different for a lot of people. I do like the idea of my kids being playmates, but since I was an only and never had problems making friends, I'm not worried that my kids won't have any friends if they aren't close in age (not that any of you are! ). However, as an adult with a deceased mother and an estranged father, I'm basically an orphan. I would love to have a sibling right now, and due to circumstances, I doubt the age difference would matter because we would know we had each other, even if our parents were not around. We could be 10 years apart and still be close. So, for ME, I would like ds to have a sibling in order to share the burden of aging parents, as well as to have someone to lean on should something happen to dh and myself. I guess I'm looking at this long term: if they aren't friends as kids, and even if they never become friends b/c they always have some form of support network, that's ok. But I don't want my child to end up totally alone, as I did.

[GooeyRN]

Mine are 26 months apart. DD potty learned before age 2 so I don't have to deal with 2 in diapers. It is ROUGH. DD was not happy about the loss of breast milk at 18 months old. DD talks well and understands well, she just has no impulse control yet. It sucks when I ask her to not draw on the walls w/ crayon and she smiles and continues, knowing she has a full 30 seconds to continue while I put the baby down somewhere safe. She did not take it well the first week the baby was home, but now she loves him and always wants to hold him by herself. But she is only 26 months old, so its not safe. It causes us both frustration. It also sucks dealing with 2 kids with frequent night wakings. DD still needs a lot of cuddles, and obviously the baby needs to nurse a lot, so sometimes I need more arms. It sucks when dinner is burning, they are both crying and you have to prioritize who gets mama and who waits. Its quite hard in public, since dd does not listen at all and has no impulse control. So she has to stay in the stroller all the time. She will dart off if I am paying for something and let go of her hand.

In other ways, its great. They will be sharing a lot of the same toys, be into the same things at the same time, etc. They will be able to go on the same rides at an amusement park. The day wont have to be split between the kiddie rides and the cool rides. I wont have to listen to a 10 year old complain about going on the kiddie ride again or listen to the 4 year old cry that he/she can't go on the big kid ride. They can grow together and enjoy the same things. They will be able to play many games together. I only have to deal with child proofing the house once. Its easier/cheaper having them close since you are not rusty with having a baby, and many of the cloths/diapers are still good.