I'm out of ideas

[mackysmama]

I'm not sure where to start with this but I will try to give you the short and sweet version of our life. I'm asking for some suggestions, maybe some pats on the back, etc.

I am a SAH, homeschooling mama to a 5.5 yo boy and a 2.5 yo girl. My 5.5 yo boy has sensory processing issues but we've worked with him a lot and he's doing very well. I say this to let you know that I've been though some though times with him but NOTHING compares to my 2.5 year old girl. She screams and yells constantly - literally from the moment she wakes up until she goes to sleep at night and often during the night too. It started when she was about 18 months and I thought it was molars so responded as lovingly and patiently as I was able. She's had all her teeth for a while now and it's only gotten worse. We've brought her to our naturopath who helped my son with his food sensitivities, SPD issues, etc. She checks out pretty well, no obvious food sensitivities, no noticeable deficits, etc. The only thing was her blood sugar is a bit wacky so we try hard to give her a regular supply of protein.

I'm out of options. Our family walks on egg shells becasue we're afraid of setting off a screaming fit. And it can be anything and really, it's about nothing at all - she screams for a cup of coffee in the middle of the night :, she screams because she doesn't want to wear socks even though I told her she doesn't have to, she screams because her brother touches her, she screams because he is sleeping and wants him awake, she screams because I got out of bed to pee and she moved over into my spot and wouldn't move back over OR let me sleep in her spot, she screams because I try to talk to my partner or my son or hug them, etc. etc. My son is scared of her - afraid to touch her or hug her, afraid to walk past her because that might set her off, and even afraid to eat a piece of bread yesterday because he thought she might see him and then end up wanting it (she had already rejected the bread). And he's such a loving boy - it is so hard for me to watch him be rejected over and over again. I understand that most of this is typical toddler frustration but it doesn't stop. The screams for a cup of coffee (and she, obviously, doesn't drink coffee - it is a clear example of how she screams over random stuff) in the middle of the night can last an hour or she will physically cover my mouth if I try to talk with someone or covers my eyes if I am trying to read or look at something (like a recipe - I'm not talking about trying to read a book or a magazine!!).

Now, when she isn't screaming, she is the sweetest, most loving little girl. That almost makes it more difficult because we never know what we are going to get or, rather, we usually get the screaming girl so we aren't really used to the sweet one, you know?

My approach has been to love her through it, to offer to help her as best I can, to remind her that I am able to do a better job helping when I understand what she wants, etc. She is VERY verbal so that isn't an issue; she is able to clearly articulate her wants and needs and does sometimes but usually screams instead.

I've tried to eliminate as many frustrations as possible but this is also a challenge for our family. We unschool and a big part of that is to explore our world but I can't take my son to the science museum, which he LOVES, because she won't let me read him any of the signs or talk with him about what we see and ends up tantruming and we have to leave.

I've been trying to flood her with love and attention - spending the last few days doing no chores but getting on the floor with her and really engaging and connecting, holding her close all night while we sleep (like really, really close), keeping the "nos" to an absolute minimum, etc. It hasn't helped - she woke up screaming because her brother was holding my hand (while I held her close with my other) and it hasn't really stopped all day.

I don't know what to do. I feel like my family is spirarling down. I am exhausted. My son is sad and isn't getting what he needs from me and that is heartbreaking. My relationship with my partner is suffering because we can't talk and by the time the kids are alseep at night, I'm exhausted (my partner is very supportive and helps a lot with the kids). And my relationship with her is suffering as I feel out of patience and understanding with her.

Does anyone have any suggestions (only GD please)?

ETA: Here's another typical example of something that just happened. She was trying to open the door but it was stuck and she just started screaming. But, I didn't realize what she was screaming for so I wasn't able to help her. When I finally figured it out, I helped her open the door and reminded her that if she needs help she just needs to tell me "mama, can you open the door for me" and I WILL! But, her first response is to scream and yell and then it is a big ordeal to figure it out rather than just taking a second to ask.

[Twocoolboys]

Have you ever looked into the Feingold program? My youngest, who is now 3.5, has been a screamer for a long time and often, much like you describe, it was for very small things and some of it didn't make sense. Last spring, when he was just 3, I read about Feingold and checked out the site (www.feingold.org). He is a different kid since we started that. I learned that he is sensitive to food additives, like colors and artificial flavors.

We have always eaten basically healthy, so it was a huge learning experience for me to discover that petroleum based additives are in more things than you could imagine.

He can even tolerate some artificial stuff now and again. If someone gives him non-Feingold friendly cookies while we are visiting, he still seems ok. But, a daily dose of it does affect him. He had more than he could handle around the holidays and got very cranky and hard to deal with again. We are now back on Feingold and being pretty strict about it. He's back to his sweet, calm self.

[Fuamami]

Well, if it were me, and I were sure there wasn't anything physical going on, I would try telling her a little more firmly that it was not necessary to scream. It would drive me crazy if someone tried to put their hand over my mouth, and that would probably be where I would start. I would gently but firmly remove her hand and tell her very seriously, "You may not cover my mouth. I will give you my attention in a minute." And then I'd keep my hand on her until I was ready to talk to her. I'd do that when reading things, too, like in your recipe example.

I also agree with your idea of eliminating as much frustration as possible, but I wonder if you're simultaneously sending the message that you think she can't deal with ANY frustration? That could be frightening for a two year old. Could you go so far as to even tell her, "Honey, I hear you screaming, and I can tell you're frustrated that XYZ happened. But I know that you're a tough kid who can weather a little frustration," and then give her a little pat and move on?

One other thing, does she get enough sleep? My ds1 has had some crazy random episodes in the middle of the night when he's sleep-deprived, stuff like that. He's growing out of it, but he also hasn't been too sleep-deprived lately.

[moodymaximus]

my 5.5 DD is very much like yours, maybe not quite to the same extent, but almost.

i have to go now, but i will come back later. just wanted to offer big hugs. i know how exhausting and frustrating it is.

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

Have you ever looked into the Feingold program? My youngest, who is now 3.5, has been a screamer for a long time and often, much like you describe, it was for very small things and some of it didn't make sense. Last spring, when he was just 3, I read about Feingold and checked out the site (www.feingold.org). He is a different kid since we started that. I learned that he is sensitive to food additives, like colors and artificial flavors.

We have always eaten basically healthy, so it was a huge learning experience for me to discover that petroleum based additives are in more things than you could imagine.

He can even tolerate some artificial stuff now and again. If someone gives him non-Feingold friendly cookies while we are visiting, he still seems ok. But, a daily dose of it does affect him. He had more than he could handle around the holidays and got very cranky and hard to deal with again. We are now back on Feingold and being pretty strict about it. He's back to his sweet, calm self.

Thank you for this suggestion. Because of my son's SPB, we stay clear of food coloring and artifical flavorings. My ND checked her for food sensitivities but maybe I need to look more carefully at what she is eating. She is vegetarian with mostly homemade foods but she does eat some processed foods, like cereal bars and soymilk, but we make sure they are organic. I will look into Feingold more carefully to see if there is something I might be missing.

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by natensarah

Well, if it were me, and I were sure there wasn't anything physical going on, I would try telling her a little more firmly that it was not necessary to scream. It would drive me crazy if someone tried to put their hand over my mouth, and that would probably be where I would start. I would gently but firmly remove her hand and tell her very seriously, "You may not cover my mouth. I will give you my attention in a minute." And then I'd keep my hand on her until I was ready to talk to her. I'd do that when reading things, too, like in your recipe example.

Yes, I do this. I don't think I'm a pushover (hardly, actually) and I try to consistently and firmly (but gently) remind her to use her words, that I don't understand her when she screams, etc. And, obviously, I don't let her put her hand over my mouth but when I remove it she screams like she is being tortured and then I can't talk anyway or concentrate on the recipe or whatever so we end up having to leave.

I also agree with your idea of eliminating as much frustration as possible, but I wonder if you're simultaneously sending the message that you think she can't deal with ANY frustration? That could be frightening for a two year old. Could you go so far as to even tell her, "Honey, I hear you screaming, and I can tell you're frustrated that XYZ happened. But I know that you're a tough kid who can weather a little frustration," and then give her a little pat and move on?

Originally Posted by natensarah

One other thing, does she get enough sleep?

I think she does but I think her behavior is exactly like a sleep deprived child. She does wake during the night but sleeps until she wakes on her own. She is transitioning out of her nap right now but I think she gets more sleep when she doesn't nap and the afternoons AFTER a nap are HORRIBLE (which makes NO sense to me at all, why she would be so miserable after a nap?). I am planning on getting Sleepless in America to check out and see if it has any suggestions or ideas for her. Thanks!!

[Magella]

I'm having flashbacks reading your post.

Originally Posted by mackysmama

ETA: Here's another typical example of something that just happened. She was trying to open the door but it was stuck and she just started screaming. But, I didn't realize what she was screaming for so I wasn't able to help her. When I finally figured it out, I helped her open the door and reminded her that if she needs help she just needs to tell me "mama, can you open the door for me" and I WILL! But, her first response is to scream and yell and then it is a big ordeal to figure it out rather than just taking a second to ask.

K, for our challenging kiddo here's what the deal would be with your scenario. She tries to open the door. She gets frustrated. She goes from calm to completely freaking out in a microsecond-very little in the way of emotional modulation skills. When she's freaking out she *cannot* access her wonderful language skills-when a person reaches that point of upset, they literally cannot think as clearly, it's like losing IQ points. So, she can't tell me and I don't know what she needs. Since I don't know what she needs, and therefore can't do it, she gets even more frustrated. When she's upset like this, she is *not able* to hear me and understand that I'm trying to help her-even if I'm saying "I'm trying to help you." Telling her to use her words is really not going to help at this point. All I can do is guess, out loud, so that I'm both figuring out what she needs and modeling using words to communicate a problem.

It sounds like your dd is similar, that she has low frustration tolerance and difficulty regulating her emotions. Separation of affect, being able to stay calm enough to think and problem solve when encountering frustration, is a real skill--and it's one that for some kids doesn't come easily. Language skills don't always come easily--I have a child who has a huge vocabulary and can sound like a little professor, but who also has difficulty communicating what the problem is when she's frustrated and has trouble communicating her feeligns. I would say, as much as it's a pain, that minimizing frustration is probably a good thing. Talking to her about feelings is important, just reflective listening and modeling. Try to catch her early and begin to help her stay calm (it'll probably take time for her to learn this)--"I hear that you need help, I want to help you" in as calm a voice as you can muster.

I would say, she's probably doing the best she can. I highly, highly recommend The Explosive Child: A New Approach To Understanding and Parenting The Easily Frustrated Chronically Inflexible Child by Ross Greene. While your child may be a little bit young for the actual approach to discipline (which they say requires the language skills of a typically developing 3 year old-which your dd may or may not have yet), the explanation of why some kids are like this is very helpful (invaluable really). You may also benefit from The Highly Sensitive Child, and Raising A Thinking Child (which is about helping preschoolers and young children learn communication, perspective-taking, and problem-solving skills).

For some kids, it really isn't about just needing to be more firm or to have the right consequence.

It will get better. We were in h3ll when dd was that age. She's 8 now, and while she still has difficulties, things are much, much better than they used to be.

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by mackysmama

Thank you for this suggestion. Because of my son's SPB, we stay clear of food coloring and artifical flavorings. My ND checked her for food sensitivities but maybe I need to look more carefully at what she is eating. She is vegetarian with mostly homemade foods but she does eat some processed foods, like cereal bars and soymilk, but we make sure they are organic. I will look into Feingold more carefully to see if there is something I might be missing.

Yes, definitely look into Feingold more. You may already know this, but there are natural salicylites that are in some fruits, like apples, that some children are sensitive too. Good luck! I hope things get better for your dd soon.

[MtBikeLover]

My daughter is a screamer too sometimes and it drives me crazy when she does it. I honestly can not imagine what I would do in your situation (maybe commit myself )

But here is my two cents...it sounds like you (and everyone else in the family) is enabling her. You all walk on eggshells so as not to upset her. Maybe you are all trying too hard?

With my daughter, i don't respond to the screaming. I tell her "If you need my help, I am here." And then I let it be. No matter how frustrated she gets, if she doesn't ask for my help, I try not to intervene again. And it was really hard for me to do that because I always want to try to help the kids and I get irritated when they start screaming in frustration because I think if they would just let me help then I wouldn't have to listen to them scream. And if she does scream at me for help then I say "If you need my help, you need to ask me in a nicer way." I absolutely will not respond to screaming (unless of course she is hurt or very tired/hungry and I know there is a reason behind it).

So what I do to not go crazy when she is screaming - I walk away (as long as she is safe) and I just go about whatever I need to do. I tell her when she is ready to talk nice to me then let me know. My son also just goes about his own thing and knows to just give her space. I've also told her in the past that she can scream as loud as she wants, but she has to do it in her own room because it hurts my ears.

Since I started taking this approach, her screaming has gone way down - maybe once a week now and only for a few minutes. And it is usually when she can't do something (like get her socks on right or put her carseat belt on).

[mackysmama]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful post. I have a few follow-up questions for you.

Originally Posted by sledg

When she's freaking out she *cannot* access her wonderful language skills-when a person reaches that point of upset, they literally cannot think as clearly, it's like losing IQ points. So, she can't tell me and I don't know what she needs.

I think I've really missed this with her. She is SO verbal and articulate that I just cannot understand why she can't just say "please help me mama" or just "help." But, I think you are right. When she is in that place she CAN'T say it, not just WON'T say it. That is an important shift to make.

Originally Posted by sledg

I would say, as much as it's a pain, that minimizing frustration is probably a good thing. Talking to her about feelings is important, just reflective listening and modeling. Try to catch her early and begin to help her stay calm (it'll probably take time for her to learn this)--"I hear that you need help, I want to help you" in as calm a voice as you can muster.

The minimizing frustrations one is a challenge right now. I think I am doing that as much as I can and she still screams so much. It really seems to be having adverse effects on my son - we can't go the places that he wants to go, I'm not able to engage with him the way he needs me to, etc. He's homeschooled and I need to be able to give him some of my attention. This leaves me feeling so sad for him, guilty, and, in the end, restentful of my daughter which, of course, leads to my sadness and guilt.

I do think that I need to do a better job of seeing it before it happens and trying to diffuse. I find myself carefully and slowly walking away when she is calm so I can get a second to myself but I guess I need to dig deeper so that I can be more present with her.

And, what about the MANY times that her screaming isn't a result of frustration. Like, when she sees me holding hands with my son, or trying to give attention to someone or something other than her, or screaming for coffee in the middle of the night (that one still baffles me and it's happened a few times!)

Originally Posted by sledg

I would say, she's probably doing the best she can. I highly, highly recommend The Explosive Child: A New Approach To Understanding and Parenting The Easily Frustrated Chronically Inflexible Child by Ross Greene. While your child may be a little bit young for the actual approach to discipline (which they say requires the language skills of a typically developing 3 year old-which your dd may or may not have yet), the explanation of why some kids are like this is very helpful (invaluable really). You may also benefit from The Highly Sensitive Child, and Raising A Thinking Child (which is about helping preschoolers and young children learn communication, perspective-taking, and problem-solving skills).

For some kids, it really isn't about just needing to be more firm or to have the right consequence.

It will get better. We were in h3ll when dd was that age. She's 8 now, and while she still has difficulties, things are much, much better than they used to be.

I've read a few of those books because of my son's SPD and his intense sensitivity. I will check out The Explosive Child as that sounds just like her.

Don't worry, I have no plans for consequences. One, I don't believe in them and two, I don't think they would work with her strong willed personality at all. I'd just give myself more battles.

I think a big part of this for me is that I went through a lot with my son - from serioud digestive issues as an infant to being scaned for a suspected brain tumor to working with his SPD. He's in such a good place now but I'm tired and I don't have much left to delve into deeper issues with her, you know? She was suppose to be my easy going kid. I need to just let go of that and dig deeper within myself.

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

Yes, definitely look into Feingold more. You may already know this, but there are natural salicylites that are in some fruits, like apples, that some children are sensitive too. Good luck! I hope things get better for your dd soon.

I think I had her checked for a sensitivity to salicylites by our naturopath but maybe that was my son. She eats her weight in apples so I am definatley going to double check. Thanks for mentioning that!!

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover

But here is my two cents...it sounds like you (and everyone else in the family) is enabling her. You all walk on eggshells so as not to upset her. Maybe you are all trying too hard?

Yes, we are definately on egg shells!! I will give some thought to your suggestions. It is hard for me to walk away from her because it feels like love withdrawl but I do think that I need to lessen my efforts to fix it for her (unless, of course, there is something she is frustrated with that I can fix) and focus more on just being with her - sitting quietly next to her, telling her that I'm there if she needs me, etc.

[WuWei]

My couple of inclinations are the soy, protein, salicylates, HFCS, and modeling "feeling" words/emotion coaching.

I have heard that screaming is associated with soy intolerance. It probably is her main protein though. Wheat as a primary food could also be an issue. Eliminating these on a vegetarian diet is very challenging. Do check into the Feingold Diet about naturally occurring salicylates. In our house, I can vouch salicylates cause screaming and lack of consideration when consumed in large quantities. HFCS is in many processed foods and causes near insanity here. Seriously.

Validating 'You seem frustrated!' with empathy and emphasis could help to connect with her when she is distressed. The book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen" helped. I highly second the book recommendation "The Explosive Child"!!

And does ds have ear protectors? We purchased some at the music store for ds to play his drums. But, we use them for other loud situations also. Perhaps, empowering him to protect himself could help you to not feel so triggered when she goes off. She is only 2.5, and they are frustrated with their powerlessness. Giving the screaming power over your reactions does reinforce it. I am not saying to ignore or walk away! But, when I could find a place of calm and feeling centered, I was more creative, playful and patient at discerning how to help ds get what he wants. In the moment of distress, I agree with Sledg, you really can't affect learning.

My dh is highly sensitive (another informative site, and possible issue!) and when ds would cry as a child, DH would feel assaulted and shut down from the sensory overload. Helping him to feel able to remove himself so that I could help ds calm took a while! But, dh's distress fed my distress, so we would spiral each other. Getting dh to take himself out of the equation, helped me not to feel that I was trying to juggle both of their energies (and mine) all at once. Ds (and dh) are both highly connected to my energy, so when I start to amp up, we all do. The only way I found to help everyone, was to keep myself centered and calm. A whole 'nuther challenge!

Validating myself with how hard it was and how possible it is for me to change the energy was a journey. I am amazed how critical my own emotional calm buoys them both. (Magnesium supplements to decrease auditory sensitivity helped too!)

Also, is she getting adequate magnesium (we use Natural Calm for Kids) and essential fatty acids??

What about dairy?! Dairy is crazy making in our house. Hands down the worst culprit.

I imagine the eye covering is for attention. But, that is fairly common behavior to be reaction seeking as a 2-3 year old. It is how we explore our world!


HTH, Pat

[mackysmama]

Originally Posted by WuWei

She is only 2.5, and they are frustrated with their powerlessness. Giving the screaming power over your reactions does reinforce it. I am not saying to ignore or walk away! But, when I could find a place of calm and feeling centered, I was more creative, playful and patient at discerning how to help ds get what he wants. In the moment of distress, I agree with Sledg, you really can't affect learning.

My dh is highly sensitive (another informative site, and possible issue!) and when ds would cry as a child, DH would feel assaulted and shut down from the sensory overload. Helping him to feel able to remove himself so that I could help ds calm took a while! But, dh's distress fed my distress, so we would spiral each other. Getting dh to take himself out of the equation, helped me not to feel that I was trying to juggle both of their energies (and mine) all at once. Ds (and dh) are both highly connected to my energy, so when I start to amp up, we all do. The only way I found to help everyone, was to keep myself centered and calm. A whole 'nuther challenge!

Yes, I think this is a big part of it for me. I think I have some sensory issues and her screaming is a BIG trigger. That, and I don't feel like I care for myself well - not enough sleep, not enough time to myself to regroup, etc. And this spirals downward, of course, when things are particularly tough with the kids which, of course, is when I need to be most careful about self-care. I need to work on being able to find that calm, peaceful place in the midst of her screams but I just haven't been able to do that yet and it is even harder when I'm tired, over-touched, etc. I will continue to try and continue to spray my rescue remedy (for her and me!!)

As for the diet - wheat, soy, dairy, eggs and fruit are her staples so the thought of food sensitivities is quite overwhelming! We don't eat HFCS or other processed foods except for a few boxed items from Whole Foods. We work with a ND who does NAET and she tested her for sensitivity to eggs, wheat, and soy and she tested AOK. I trust my ND very much as she literally saved my son's future when he was a baby with blood in his stool and major digestive problems. BUT, I haven't checked her for everything on Feingold and this is definately my next step. I'm wondering if it is the salicylites in her fruit.

Thank you for your response!

[MtBikeLover]

Originally Posted by mackysmama

It is hard for me to walk away from her because it feels like love withdrawl

That was my concern too, but I found that being there just seemed to make her more angry. She really just needed her own space to try to do it on her own. Within a minute of me walking away and doing my own things, she is usually fine.

I don't make it seem like I am leaving her alone to fend for herself. I just tell her that when she needs help to let me know and then I go about doing something else so that I am not sitting there hovering over her.

[Magella]

Originally Posted by mackysmama

The minimizing frustrations one is a challenge right now. I think I am doing that as much as I can and she still screams so much. It really seems to be having adverse effects on my son - we can't go the places that he wants to go, I'm not able to engage with him the way he needs me to, etc. He's homeschooled and I need to be able to give him some of my attention. This leaves me feeling so sad for him, guilty, and, in the end, restentful of my daughter which, of course, leads to my sadness and guilt.

I understand this. Of course you can't eliminate frustration completely. And of course it doesn't seem fair to your son. Is it at all possible to go places with your son at times when someone else can stay with your dd? At some of the places your son likes to go, what about the environment or activities bother your dd and lead to screaming? Is it possible to find ways of helping her tolerate some of those activities some of the time? Just as an example, my challenging dd loves the museum but museums tend to be loud (at least, the children's museums and science museums do--we haven't done art museums yet) and crowded. One thing that really makes it possible to take dd to these places and have fun is hearing protection headphones (for dd). Another is to try to go at times when it's less crowded. Another is to go with grandparents, so that there's one adult for each kid-so that if one child wants to read all the signs, there's another adult to supervise children who don't have that much patience and prefer to wander. It can be hard to make accommodations. It can be tiring. It can feel limiting. But it's also important-for dd, for her siblings, and for my sanity.

Your dd probably doesn't feel any better about all this than you do. I find it helps to keep this in mind.

Also, since we can't completely eliminate all frustration it helps to build relaxation into our day. If you can find things to do with dd, or things she can do on her own, that are soothing and relaxing it may help. When a person is frequently or chronically frustrated, even if one event ends they can carry that tension and arousal around--which can make for an even shorter fuse the next time something doesn't go their way. For our dd, the more we can help her relax the better able she is to handle life's bumps. Things our dd finds relaxing are: playing in a small indoor sandbox, massage, coloring, some kinds of physical activity, being read to, listening to quiet music. Maybe you could find some soothing activities for your dd that she'd like to do near you while you engage with your son, that could help you have more time to interact with him.

For your son, if you can make arrangements to sit down with him for uninterrupted one-on-one time even a couple of times a week (maybe after dd goes to bed, or when your partner is home if you're partnered, or when you have a sitter...) it can help fill his cup. It's amazing what 20 minutes of positive, child-led time can do.

Originally Posted by mackysmama

And, what about the MANY times that her screaming isn't a result of frustration. Like, when she sees me holding hands with my son, or trying to give attention to someone or something other than her, or screaming for coffee in the middle of the night (that one still baffles me and it's happened a few times!)

For the middle of the night screaming, are you certain she's awake? My dd has, since young toddlerhood, woken at night screaming. She looks awake. It looks like she's having a tantrum. She responds to what we say--but her response makes no sense. It took us awhile to figure out that she wasn't fully awake. We find that it's best to *not* talk to her or touch her, because that tends to prolong the episode. We also find that these episodes are less likely to happen if her days are more calm, if she is on a regular sleep schedule and getting enough good quality sleep, and if she's healthy and eating well. She has many fewer of these episodes now, she has been slowly outgrowing them.

With regard to her screaming when she sees you holding hands with your son, or trying to attend to someone other than her, I think it's possible that those things still are upsetting to her. Again, my dd is not strong in the emotional regulation department so anything that's upsetting can lead to a meltdown or yelling. It may be that she wants your attention, that she doesn't feel good about what she's seeing but doesn't have words for things like "I want your attention" or "I feel jealous" or "I feel insecure" or "I feel anxious, and I feel even more anxious without mommy's complete attention" or whatever it is that bothers her. And I imagine that if one doesn't have the words to say what one feels and needs, that might be frustrating. And if you don't have the words, and you feel this strong feeling, and on top of that feeling you're frustrated about not being able to communicate it-well, you might scream. Again, I'm basing this totally on my experience with my dd and realize the issues for your dd might not be the same. If I were a kid who got intensely upset very frequently, and I could feel the tension in the family that goes with my screaming, and I just didn't feel good about any of it, I might really want constant attention in order to feel secure.

Here is a link to something called The Pathways Inventory. It's a list of skills that one needs in order to handle frustration adaptively. I found this helpful in figuring out what was getting in my dd's way. http://www.thinkkids.org/core/pathways.aspx The website is by the authors of The Explosive Child, so I recommend reading the website to get an overview of their understanding of challenging kids and their approach to helping them.

Originally Posted by mackysmama

He's in such a good place now but I'm tired and I don't have much left to delve into deeper issues with her, you know? She was suppose to be my easy going kid. I need to just let go of that and dig deeper within myself.

The key to parenting challenging kids is taking care of yourself. You need to fill your cup in order to care for them. A parent with an empty cup can't give. And challenging kids, even your average spirited child, need
*more.* It can be hard to always give more. It isn't about just digging deeper into yourself, it's about taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, filling your cup. It's okay to grieve, too. You wanted and maybe expected an easy-going child and she's not. So grieve, cry, be frustrated-and do it with someone who can listen supportively. And then go back to loving her and accepting her as she is, so you can help her.

Oh, and I see that you have sensory issues as well. So do I. *EARPLUGS* Or, get yourself some of those hearing protection headphones. You'll still be able to hear the kids, and the screaming won't drive you as nuts. Earplugs have been wonderful at times for me. I don't have advice for feeling overtouched. Now that my kids are older I can ask for space, and usually get it for a few minutes.

[WuWei]

Sledg, would you write a book? Your wisdom needs to be portable, accessible and able to be shared. Lulu.com has self-publishing that is easy (and cheap) now.


I love reading your posts!


Pat