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I said something very mean, is there any way to make it better? *Updated* - Page 3

post #41 of 94
I like Kim & Vanessa's apologies. You definitely need to apologize straight-up, with no excuses or lies.
post #42 of 94
Dear Steve,
I can hardly believe such stupid, cruel and unsupportive things came out of my mouth the last time I saw you. I'm really hating myself because I like you so much. I have always hung around to talk to you during mom's therapy session because you are such a very interesting guy. You have every right never to speak to me again.

I didn't know I was harboring these attitudes. Now that I know I need to accept and change my feelings about weight that's something I'm going to be working on.

I'm deeply ashamed of myself and so sorry for the things I said. Please forgive me.

This is PERFECT. No excuses, no "blame the meds," no frills. Honest, to the point, apologetic. Please talk to him now rather than later; waiting will only make it worse.
post #43 of 94
Originally Posted by tinuviel_k View Post
This is PERFECT. No excuses, no "blame the meds," no frills. Honest, to the point, apologetic. Please talk to him now rather than later; waiting will only make it worse.
I agree.
post #44 of 94
The difference between an "oops" statement and what you said is that your statement was an out-and-out insult, not a series of poorly chosen words that accidentally referenced a sensitive topic. I like the apology posted by a PP, but I wouldn't bother talking about how you "didn't know you had these issues" and have to work it out. Frankly, I doubt he cares about your personal growth in this situation and is likely just wondering why he his client's daughter decided to be so vicious to him while he was at work.

I know this sounds harsh, and everyone makes mistakes, but there's nothing "whoops" about this - you screwed up, take responsibility for it. I've had to do it myself in the past.
post #45 of 94
Originally Posted by ~Jenna~ View Post
So yesterday we were talking about cooking and he was telling me a recipe. My mom says 'wow that sounds yummy' and so I said 'yeah well of course it sounds good, fat men know how to cook'. There was dead silence for a moment and then the PT says, 'well I've lost 40 pounds so far'. So then stupid me I say, 'yeah but when you are that fat you can't really tell'.

WTF is wrong with me????????? I'm am not exactly skinny myself.
By not exactly skinny, do you mean that you feel fat and have you had experience trying to lose weight? Because that might be coloring your views. I know that people who are much thinner than I am, who I think of as normal weight, will think of themselves as fat and have a lot of negative feelings about it, and they can be insulting without even realizing it because so much of it is directed inward, and then there might be anger outwards too towards the people who are "worse" than they are.

The first thing you said was a stereotype that I don't think of as particularly accurate. The second thing seemed like you wanted to insult him, kind of the way siblings will deliberately make put-downs or trade barbs back and forth. I know you say you like him and didn't want to hurt him, but could you be feeling hostility against him on some level and you just don't realize it. You might want to examine that if you think it is possible.

The second thing you said is actually not that inaccurate, IMO. The fatter you are, the more weight you have to lose for it to really be noticeable. Maybe you were just saying it without really realizing how it would sound because you were flustered about the first comment. And, of course, we have a tendency to say what we think more nowadays, it seems. Reading it here it seems like a very callous thing for you not to get, but honestly, I've done things like that myself. Especially on the spur of the moment.

Actually, I was thinking how much your exchange is one of those things I've had nightmare about, where I just keep talking and saying more and more insulting things and I hear myself and can't shut up (which happens to me in real life sometimes), and then all of a sudden I realize I'm naked (which thankfully doesn't happen).

I think onlyzombiecat's letter was a good one.
post #46 of 94
Originally Posted by annekevdbroek View Post
I have to say that I did LOL at what you said because it was really awful and I think most of us have found ourselves saying horrible things when our mouths run faster than our brains.
Did you? I gasped. I still can't bring myself to laugh about it. No doubt all of us have said hurtful things when our brain runs faster than our mouths, but I can't say that I've ever said anything horrible.

I agree that saying "I have issues I need to work on" will not go over particularly well. Brings to mind Mel Gibson or Kramer trying to get out of the mess they created with anti-semitic or racist outbursts.
post #47 of 94
I cant bring myself to laugh about that either. It seems like you must not like this guy to not only attack him once but twice. I would apologize without any excuses and apologize to your mom too.
post #48 of 94
I would apologize asap with no excuses.

I'm also insulted by the mention of using the excuse of not taking medication as a reason why you would say these things.
post #49 of 94
Originally Posted by Niamh View Post
Did you? I gasped.
post #50 of 94
I'll admit that I laughed. It's not nice, I know, but I was laughing at the original poster's misfortune because I could totally see myself saying something stupid and then digging myself in more. If she had come in saying she didn't understand why he was insulted, and that if he cared so much, he'd put down the bucket of Krispy Kremes and actually walk up the stairs once in awhile instead of being carried up by Sherpas and then tried to justify those beliefs, I wouldn't be laughing. But she felt upset and contrite, so it was not hard to chuckle and think that most of us have the capability to do this at least once in our lives.

That said, yes, I truly do feel bad for the situation, and I hope she can repair things with a sincere apology.
post #51 of 94
Jenna, I think it's courageous of you to admit that you did something you regret and to think about how you can apologize for it. I've known people who make hostile comments but would never own up to the fact that they did this.
post #52 of 94

Man, the stones are a-flyin' in this glass house.

Originally Posted by DaughterOfKali View Post
I'm not sure why you would say such things to someone. Especially if you don't feel that way.
How does that help, or answer the question in the OP?
What's done is done, can't we just help Jenna with an apology?

Originally Posted by Demeter9 View Post
I have had several problems with the screaming voice in my head going, "Shut up. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Oh my God, someone please please do something to make me stop talking right now. Why why why did I just say that. ahghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
Me, too - I'll admit that.

Originally Posted by Jörð View Post
What's the deal with the "I didn't take my meds" crap?

Are there meds for foot in mouth disease?

That's kind of insulting to people on psychiatric medication isn't it? Because god knows only someone requiring meds would say something so unkind?
: I think that's a crappy cop-out, horrible advice - and yes, absolutely insulting to those who take meds for whatever reason.

Originally Posted by kama'aina mama View Post
Total abject apology with ZERO excuses.
Again, : Straight apology, humble and to the point.

Originally Posted by ~Jenna~ View Post
I'm not a bad person I swear
I know that. Hope he realizes it too, has a good sense of humor, and gives you the benefit of the doubt.
post #53 of 94
Apologize -- it's the only thing you can do. And don't wait on it.

I also think you may need to work on your prejudism against fat people. I don't view it as more benign than homophobia or racism. I am saying this from a point of understanding, not a point of judgement. I have BDDT, and I know it's from my own weight issues.

Only you know the true context/meaning of it however. The second comment could be construed as the more cruel of the two, but it is also truth -- it DOES take more weight loss to notice a difference in a really large person.
post #54 of 94
Several posts have mentioned how this is made worse by the fact that she likes him so much. Is that important? If you say something horrible and hurt someone's feelings, it doesn't much matter if it's your new best friend or a complete stranger who just cut in front of you at Luby's. If you're wrong, own it . . . to a friend, enemy or stranger.
post #55 of 94
Thread Starter 
Okay well I apologized to my mom. She said she knows how much stuff like that hurts even though she tried to laugh it off at the time. I told her I was going to call him an apologize and she *freaked*. She told me no, I better not, that it will just bring it back up to him and he has probably pushed it way down and me apologizing will just make it worse.

I'm trying really hard to come up with the courage to call him. I'll post back if I can work up the nerve to do it. I am on meds for my anxiety, if it weren't for that I wouldn't even be able to consider calling him at all.

I really do think I like him. I wonder if deep down I don't, because then why would I say something so mean?
post #56 of 94
Originally Posted by Hatteras Gal View Post
How condescending. Don't lie. Don't explain.
Apologize. .

well i didn't say to lie....i said "if it's true"....because, ime when i have stupidly siad something very hurtful, that has actually been the case (something neutral to me was loaded to someone else). I can understand that others feeling differently, but I would like to know what was going thru a friend's mind when they inadvertently hurt me.

but the important thing is to apologize, sincerely, asap!
post #57 of 94
Thread Starter 
I suck so bad. I called him but then freaked out and hung up .
post #58 of 94
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen View Post
Several posts have mentioned how this is made worse by the fact that she likes him so much. Is that important?
I think it is important in understanding her motivation. Honestly, if you hate someone and are angry at them, it is easy to say things you don't really believe but that you know will offend them and piss them off. But if you don't feel you are harboring resentment or carrying a grudge, it makes you wonder what else is going on.
post #59 of 94
By the way, my post was meant to be dry. I do think what she said was completely uncalled for. I'm not going to sugar coat it.
And the med thing, I've been on meds and feel fine joking about it. Sorry if it upset others.
post #60 of 94
This totally sounds like something I would do. Actually, I seem to have a talent for doing this to my SIL - somehow the absolute worst most insulting things come out of my mouth and I don't even realize how awful what I've said is until later. I don't know why I do it, I really like SIL but she now thinks I'm a total a-hole, and for good reason.

Anyway. I would apologize asap. Otherwise you'll end up like me, obsessing about your insensitive comments for YEARS. I only see SIL about once a year, if that, and I've never worked up the nerve to apologize.
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