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10 yo looked at inappropriate stuff on net at friends house. what to do?

post #1 of 70
1/11/08 at 11:25am
Thread Starter 
I have been thinking about this all week and don't know how to approach it. When my 10 yo dd asked to have her own email addy I told her it would be okay, but once in awhile I'd have to monitor it to make sure nothing funny was going on (predators). She's had email for a few months and I went on for the first time and saw an email address I didn't recognize and clicked on the message. It was a message from her friend that said she was worried because "remember when we looked up that innappropriate stuff at my house when you spent the night? every time i type the word 'g' on google it shows that we looked at it. i don't know how to make it go away, and if my mom sees it i'm doomed. please help!"

This is a sensitive area here. It could be a learning experience for both of us. I just don't know how to talk about it without making her defensive. I want her to ask me if she has questions. Besides I wonder what the heck starts with "g" that's so bad, unless it's girls this or guys this.

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!
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post #2 of 70
1/11/08 at 11:39am
The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.
post #3 of 70
1/11/08 at 12:13pm
I would bring it up almost nonchalantly and make it very clear that it's not about being in trouble or your being angry-just that you wanted to give her an opportunity to discuss what she saw and what's going on in her head about it.
That's the way I would handle it. As far as telling the other parents-if there is a possibility that they would freak on her and make this worse for her, I'd avoid it.

My oldest daughter and her friend thought it would be funny to look up 'butts' a few years ago-they got a surprise. I talked to her the same way and it worked out fine. SHe hasn't looked up butts, since!!!
post #4 of 70
1/11/08 at 12:29pm
Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.

I can't think of anything "inappropriate" that starts with g. Gay comes to mind, but I don't see how that's inappropriate. The first 10 google results for that word are pretty mild anyway . . . personals sites, wikipedia, and one offensive homophobic site. Maybe the girls had heard people use the word negatively and wanted to find out what it meant? Not sure if you've talked to your child about that or not.

I probably wouldn't tell the other parents, especially not if they are the type who may overreact. If it's something serious, maybe bring it up with the other girl when she is at your house next . . . or just educate your own daughter, who will probably tell her friend.

I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.
post #5 of 70
1/11/08 at 12:31pm
gspot?
post #6 of 70
1/11/08 at 12:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!
First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.
post #7 of 70
1/11/08 at 1:18pm
Have you checked your google for a G word?

I would just come out and ask her. It isn't really any of her business how you found out. Just tell her that you found out that she and her friend were using her friend's computer innapropriately. Then ask her if there is anything else she needs to tell you. Then ask her if there is anything she wants to know.

My dd knows that with the privelage of having her own computer comes the knowledge that I may (and will) read everything she writes on the computer if I feel like I need to. SHe is responsible for giving me ALL of her passwords. I have never looked (except her myspace) and I don't intend to unless I feel like I need to. At age ten, I would want to know what she is up to.

Ten year olds are not mature enough to know who is a danger and who isn't. Some people can seem so nice, and so sincere.
post #8 of 70
1/11/08 at 2:29pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slabobbin View Post
The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.
FOR REAL!!! She did say inappropriate! I thought that was odd, too!
post #9 of 70
1/11/08 at 2:32pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ledzepplon View Post
First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.
I'm sorry! Didn't mean that to be personal, or attacking all people who go to church. I'm big on telling my kids that you can never say "All____ are___", generalizing. I wasn't trying to generalize, just giving you an idea that these aren't the kind of people who let things slide. They are strict and people of routine.
post #10 of 70
1/11/08 at 2:35pm
Did you look in your daughter's "send items" folder to see if she had replied?
post #11 of 70
1/11/08 at 2:43pm
When did she spend the night? Recently or weeks ago? If it was a one time thing weeks ago, I wouldn't necessarily say anything. Like one of the pps mentioned, we have all looked at stuff we weren't supposed to, out of curiosity...
post #12 of 70
1/11/08 at 2:43pm
Thread Starter 
i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.
post #13 of 70
1/11/08 at 3:36pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post
i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.
I wonder if they weren't searching for Gabriella naked. Which is way tamer than phrases I was coming up with.

Google is off-limits if I'm not in the room. For the most part, they stick to that. My son learned the hard way that not all Manga is his kind of Manga.
post #14 of 70
1/11/08 at 5:30pm
Hehe, those pics are easy to find.

I think it was harsh to take away the computer for that. They weren't in any danger.
post #15 of 70
1/11/08 at 5:32pm
isn't taking the computer away a punishment?
post #16 of 70
1/11/08 at 6:20pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by happyhippiemama View Post
isn't taking the computer away a punishment?
yep i worded myself incorrectly yet again. poo on me
post #17 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:20am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.
post #18 of 70
1/12/08 at 9:01am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emzachsmama View Post
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
post #19 of 70
1/12/08 at 10:45am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emzachsmama View Post
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.
I totally agree. The internet is a wonderful thing-- the amoun of information is incredible-- but I have definitely seen things I wish I never had and had "relationships" (at a young age!) that were probably inappropriate.

Bethany
post #20 of 70
1/12/08 at 3:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
The other girls parents may have different beliefs about whether or not the internet is dangerous or if gross porn something they think is really serious - it would be around here. Seems to me that they should be able to make parenting choices about their beliefs without other people making those decisions for them.
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