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10 yo looked at inappropriate stuff on net at friends house. what to do? - Page 2

post #21 of 70
1/12/08 at 4:05pm
Thread Starter 
I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?
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post #22 of 70
1/12/08 at 4:36pm
there are many worse things they could have been looking for


maybe something to suggest to the other mom, if you talk to her about it, is using 'safe search' on google. You can change the settings for google to block any text or photos that are inappropriate for young eyes

We have 4 computers in our home, and each one is set to safe search. Even mine and my dhs since the kids sometimes use them. I'm sure if they really wanted to they could get around it, but mine haven't yet
post #23 of 70
1/12/08 at 4:38pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post
I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?
You have a way to start a conversation like that now. The next time you need to bring something up to her, you can start by saying,

"Remember that time we talked about XYZ? I appreciate how you handled that/your honesty/etc. I'm happy we can talk about things so easily."

This helps her remember a time you talked and it was safe. You didn't flip, you didn't punish, you just talked. Her brain recalls that event and tells her, "This is okay."
post #24 of 70
1/12/08 at 4:45pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
I'm in the camp that says the internet isn't for children to peruse without guidelines. There are things I wish I'd never stumbled upon online. I can't imagine not protecting my kids from seeing those images. And there IS worse than "gross porn" online. Much worse. Violent, disturbing, grotesque, terrifying things that are a Google search away.

If it's innocent curiosity, they won't get in trouble at home. That is the child's parents' determination to make.
post #25 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.
It could be many things: gspot, gay, girl on girl, the list could go on. I'm sure they were just being curious. If they are in public school then I'm sure they hear it all. I'd just ask her. I have an open relationship with my 12 yr old and you better believe I would ask him. In fact it would have been asked that instant.

Btw, I put in G on google and the only bad thing on the page was something about the g-spot. I doubt at 10 yrs old that is what it is though. I saw things about sex in movies and on t.v. at that age and it just went over my head. I'm sure it was something. But you never know in this day and time.
post #26 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:16pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious. If not, you may have a totally different outlook on things when your child gets to this age. If you do have a child this age then as a parent it seems to me that you are afraid you are going to alienate your daughter so you will do whatever you can to make her think you are cool in front of her friends. That's not a good thing to do in this case. If we were discussing taking them to a day spa then yes, be the cool mom. But the internet is a totally different situation, totally different!
post #27 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious.
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.
post #28 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:29pm
As for whether to tell the another child's parents... I'd base that on how the conversation with my own child went. If I had any sense that another child was making dangerous choices, yes, I'd alert a parent to that.
post #29 of 70
1/12/08 at 5:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.
If that works for you and your family, great. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think that kids CAN be harmed my what they might see on the internet. Not physically harmed, but definitely emotionally and mentally harmed. If you think it is fine, that is your right, for YOUR family. I don't think anyone has the right to make that decision for another family and I would be LIVID if someone, another parent no less, taught my child how to cover their tracks online. :
post #30 of 70
1/12/08 at 8:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post

I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.

I think that is something they need to figure out on their own. It isn't my place to teach another child how to cover their tracks. If they are going to look at innapropriate material, they need to learn how to hide it themselves.

Letting them sweat it out is just a natural consequense. It's better to learn consequenses when the risks are small.
post #31 of 70
1/13/08 at 3:25am
The taboo does not nesecarily start with g.
When you search anything in google and then type g in your URL box it will show google along with searches done on google, provided you have not cleared the private data.
post #32 of 70
1/15/08 at 1:22am
Did they get to see the pictures of Vanessa? I have no clue who it even is!
post #33 of 70
1/17/08 at 3:58am
Sometimes I can get my 10 year old to tell on his self. Ask her if she has learned any thing new on the computer lately. Ask questions about what her and her girlfriend did when she spent the night. I bet she will end up telling you about it. At least it works with my son from time to time.

Good luck!
post #34 of 70
1/17/08 at 6:00am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emzachsmama View Post
If that works for you and your family, great. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think that kids CAN be harmed my what they might see on the internet. Not physically harmed, but definitely emotionally and mentally harmed. If you think it is fine, that is your right, for YOUR family. I don't think anyone has the right to make that decision for another family and I would be LIVID if someone, another parent no less, taught my child how to cover their tracks online. :
i agree, i think we all need to be respectful of others peoples parenting and other peoples right to parent.
post #35 of 70
1/20/08 at 5:13am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

You know what's just a Google search away? Child pornography. I'd think that would be pretty damaging to a young psyche.

Don't think it just pops up in an ordinary Google search? Sometimes it does. I once had the heart-wrenching experience of having to report some that I myself came across to the FBI. I wasn't even searching for porn at all, let alone that kind. It wasn't of the "barely legal" variety either. There was no disputing that these were young children. It was graphic and vile. I'm 30 years old and I can't get those images out of my head. I can't imagine being 10.

No way should a kid run loose online. No freakin' way.
post #36 of 70
3/26/08 at 6:56pm
I actually volunteer with Perverted Justice due to our 'then' 14 year old's experience with being approached by an adult male online. We taught her how to be safe, not to give out personal information... the whole deal. But no one can prepare a kid for an experienced pedophile who knows how to groom a kid and tell them everything they want/need to hear.
post #37 of 70
3/26/08 at 8:24pm
yeah... nothing dangerous? what are pedophiles? When I was that age the internet sort of 'just came out' as it is now, and my parents were pretty clueless, unlike parents now and we were on chatrooms and stuff all the time. I would not worry about my kids seeing porn, I have no problem talking about those sorts of things and if they are curious to see what its all about they should, and we will talk about it(I would never want them to see it without it being discussed and put it into context) but pedophiles? they pose a far greater risk than big breasted blondes giving blowjobs. Seriously! Just thinking of it gives me the heeby jeebies.
post #38 of 70
3/26/08 at 10:45pm
it's amazing too, how the most innocent of searches can turn up something unexpected and nasty. Here, we have a sporting goods place called Dicks. My 14 year old needs new track shoes, and we have a coupon, so we went online and entered dicks dot com to see what they have, not thinking it was probably dickssportinggoods.com. Needless to say, my daughter and I got an EYE full. We were squealing out..."ahhhhhh, make it stopppppp" and I could not get it to exit even when I clicked on the X. Also, a few years ago, I had my own website (for diapers and so forth) and if you omitted one word from the title, some really nasty stuff popped up immediately. Not good!
Anyway, I do think it's natural for kids to want to see naked bodies....I can remember looking through my friend's dad's playboy magazines that were hidden in their attic. I would never get mad at my kids for being curious about it, but I'd be upset if they saw some of the really gross things that are out there. My 16 year old recently was sent (by a friend) a video where two girls were getting it on and then they proceeded to partake in Coprophagy as part of the whole scene. She was SO upset afterwards, and there were just no words that I could give her that were comforting other than to tell her that there are some disturbed individuals out there, and she should feel sorry for them. She seemed to accept it, and we haven't discussed it again, but I'm sure she will never forget it. Just like the time for me, when I was at a high school party and some of the boys were watching a porn film with animals. I was so disgusted and saddened by it, and I have never forgotten it...even 25 years later.
post #39 of 70
3/26/08 at 11:46pm
Sadly, based on my volunteer work, Ive seen ALOT of disgusting things but I actually will have to look up coprphagy to see what that is. lol

Id forgotten one day that I had disable the safe search on my google preferences and searched 'images' for the name "angelica" and the results were shocking. I guess there a busty blonde porn star by the name and here images took up the first couple pages of search results.


ETA: "disturbed individuals" indeed. nuff said.
post #40 of 70
3/27/08 at 12:35am
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustOneMore View Post
ETA: "disturbed individuals" indeed. nuff said.
yeah, that was why I put the clinical name for it...it's just too gross to even say.
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