10 yo looked at inappropriate stuff on net at friends house. what to do? - Page 3

[mamasgroovin]

I have had a similar experience. My son spent the night at his friends house a few months ago and the boys were looking at internet porn (this is actually the subject of my last post ). But this is different, b/c it is dealing with another family, so I thought I'd post a response.

My friend did not tell me right away, but did talk to my son about it and told him that he was not allowed to to use the computer the next time he came over. She explained internet dangers, and also the fact that this is all degrading and flat out fake (they were looking at the anime porn). It sounds like she handled things well on her end.

I have a lot of respect for how my friend handled it. I do not care that I was not in loop, right away. Do you feel comfortable talking to this girl? It might be a better lesson coming from someone else's mom, YK?

I don't know if the other girls parents need to know, or not. I suppose it depends on what they were looking at, and how much. If they only went to one site, and were then embarrassed, and turned it off, I'd say it's probably no big deal.

I would talk to your dd in a non threatening way, she knew you would be monitoring her emails...so it's not like you were sneaking. If she's not responsible enough to have the conversation with you, then she's probably not responsible enough to have a private email account.

Based on her answers you can then judge if the other parents should be involved.

Just my 2 cents...

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

Wow. That is just wrong. It is not your job to parent someone else's child. My child would not be playing at your house ever again.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by Sage.Naissance

yeah... nothing dangerous? what are pedophiles? When I was that age the internet sort of 'just came out' as it is now, and my parents were pretty clueless, unlike parents now and we were on chatrooms and stuff all the time.

I was online without restrictions at that age, and was approached by all kinds of gross people. It wasn't a big deal . . . I blocked them or ignored them if I didn't want to talk to them. Without even being warned/told how to respond, I knew what to do. I trust my kids to do the same, especially since they'll know before they even start chatting online that they might encounter some perverted people. I just don't think it's the issue a lot of parents make it out to be.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

I think the *worst* thing they'd find, actually, is a pedophile. Worse than that, a pedophile POSING as a boy or girl their own age (in, say, a chatroom for an age-appropriate hobby or TV show), so that they might not recognize that it was a "gross person."

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?

[LilMamiBella]

My son just found some porn online as well. We took his computer away and I would like to put some controls on it. I don't want them seeing beheadings, rapes, cruelty,etc. Does anyone have a recommendation on something I can put on our computer?

[Demeter9]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I was online without restrictions at that age, and was approached by all kinds of gross people. It wasn't a big deal . . . I blocked them or ignored them if I didn't want to talk to them. Without even being warned/told how to respond, I knew what to do. I trust my kids to do the same, especially since they'll know before they even start chatting online that they might encounter some perverted people. I just don't think it's the issue a lot of parents make it out to be.

You are okay exposing your children to unnecessary amounts of cruelty, violence and perversion and people who are predators.

I have been online since I was 14. 20 years. The internet can damn well surely be dangerous.

You may think you know what to do. But your parents did not. Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.

[laoxinat]

Well, DS did his share of surfing as a youngster, til I cought on Then I quietly and without fanfare installed a filter. I also introduced discussions about gender objectification, how it goes both ways, etc etc. I can't say he never went to someone elses house and watched, but I at least felt like I had nipped it at home. As far as the really gross stuff, he had momentary interest, soon to be replaced by disgust. He was quite honest telling me why he liked seeing the porn images, and spoke very derisively about the ick. By the time he was an older teen, he was adamantly anti-porn because he learned about the industry and it's exploitation of both women and men. DD could not possible care less. As far as the sites that are violent or horrific, yes,1 viewing would be traumatic, and I'd of course want to avoid it, but it wouldn;t make me worried about my child's mental or sexual health. Chronic viewing of such things OTOH is a far far different thing, and may demonstrate that further intervention is neccessary. But the bottom line for me was that while I certainly wasn't going to give him free rein, I trusted my son's inherent respectful nature (and, no it hadn't completely developed by 13, when this first came up) and had no fear that watching porn on the net had the power to turn him into a perv. While I am all for shielding our DC from stuff that's potentially damaging, I have to say, I'm surprised so many of us seem to think our DC wouldn't simply be horrified by the ugliness and turn it off on their own. And I'm genuinely curious - do you think, given free rein, that your kids would actively seek out this stuff? Or is the concern more about accidentally stumbling upon it? Sexual curiosity is after all, pretty hard wired in our brains, KWIM? And for the record, I do believe at early ages, when thinking is concrete, that it is much more damaging. But a teen can grasp many of the reasons we object to porn, and that can be appealed to quite successfully in many cases.

[Demeter9]

I suspect that my children are much like me. That they will plumb the depths of something that captures their attention, possibly to see how deep the hole goes.

If they choose to do so later that is there business. While they are still developing and becoming themselves, pretending that what they see hasn't any effect on their minds is disingenious.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?

I can understand why things like that would attract someone's attention for curiosity's sake, and I wouldn't be upset that my kids were curious. Unless they were showing other signs of being disturbed or mentally ill, I can't see worrying that they want to know what certain things look like.

Demeter9:

Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.

This is so alarmist. Talking to my kids about how they can get rid of creepy or annoying people online and then giving them free access to the internet is not "inviting perverts to our house for a party." In fact, I'm willing to bet that by being open with my kids and not restricting them, they will be a lot more likely to come to me with concerns. They'll also know that we are willing to help them meet online friends in person if they want, in a safe way, so that they aren't compelled to sneak around the way teens who are very much restricted are apt to do.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

This is a genuine question, not at all snarky. How would you feel about your school age child watching, say, an online video of Daniel Pearl being beheaded? Or images of violent animal abuse? Or pornography that included images of women being raped and tortured?

I can understand why things like that would attract someone's attention for curiosity's sake, and I wouldn't be upset that my kids were curious. Unless they were showing other signs of being disturbed or mentally ill, I can't see worrying that they want to know what certain things look like.

Demeter9:

Inviting perverts to your house for a party, and expecting that your children will be Okay enough to deal with it by themselves is shockingly stupid.

This is so alarmist. Talking to my kids about how they can get rid of creepy or annoying people online and then giving them free access to the internet is not "inviting perverts to our house for a party." In fact, I'm willing to bet that by being open with my kids and not restricting them, they will be a lot more likely to come to me with concerns. They'll also know that we are willing to help them meet online friends in person if they want, in a safe way, so that they aren't compelled to sneak around the way teens who are very much restricted are apt to do.

[acannon]

From experience, you definitely do not have to teach a kid how to delete the history from their computer. I've done it many times and no one taught me. I learned how to be sneaky from necessity because my parents were incredibly strict and trust me, your kids will have friends who know how to get around parent locks and how to generally snoop around without being detected. Also, if you have a public library with access to computers, there are kids who know how to get around their filters, too. I also I had a ton of friends who knew how to get around the school's filters on their computers, as well.

[Demeter9]

Again, I suggest that if it is all that for a developing mind to absorb hours of sexual perversion in your mind YOU do it.

Pick links and start clicking. Do it for hours. Then do it again tomorrow.

When it effects YOU an adult, you'll have less to stand on when you claim that it isn't that big a deal.

Gross doesn't begin to encompass what you can run across in very short order.

I in NO WAY think this is AT ALL alarmist. I've been online for long enough to have a very clear idea of what I am talking about. There is no way at all that exposing your child to that stuff and those people BY CHOICE is at all acceptable or normal.

My children can trust to come to me. They can also trust that I will do the right thing and I will protect them. Always. Even when it is inconvenient. I like trust. I should deserve their trust. Protecting them from harm that I KNOW is coming INCREASES trust.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by Demeter9

Again, I suggest that if it is all that for a developing mind to absorb hours of sexual perversion in your mind YOU do it.

I actually work for an adult website doing SEO -- which involves looking at site after site and trading links with other webmasters. I get paid to do this for hours a week -- that, and writing reviews or blurbs about the sites that I've seen. I my job.

[JustOneMore]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I actually work for an adult website doing SEO -- which involves looking at site after site and trading links with other webmasters. I get paid to do this for hours a week -- that, and writing reviews or blurbs about the sites that I've seen. I my job.

Thats great that you love your job. I dont think anyone will agree that just because you, as an adult, expose yourself to adult sites as a job that its somehow beneficial for a young mind to see the same things. But then again, it's not the rest of us raising your child just as it's not the rest of us that will have to deal with the mal effects which result from such a young child seeing pornography before their mind is able to comprehend what theyre seeing.

Demeter,
I happen to agree with you and dont feel that your post was 'alarmist' in the least.

PJ has a new project that offers stories to dispel the rumors that internet crimes dont happen to 'real' children.

http://www.perverted-justice.com/?stories=full

[simple living mama]

funkygranolamama, this discussion has gone in different directions so Im not even sure if you are checking in any more but I wanted to let you know I think you handled it beautifully and gently. You can sure tell you have a big heart that loves your child very much.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by JustOneMore

Thats great that you love your job. I dont think anyone will agree that just because you, as an adult, expose yourself to adult sites as a job that its somehow beneficial for a young mind to see the same things.

Oh, I'm not looking for agreement . . . just answering what was asked of me (ie: do I really know what's out there -- yes very well).

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

Not only do I disagree strongly (and find that perspective to be astonishingly naive), your suggestion to teach a child how to thwart loving parents who are interested in protecting her from the very real dangers on the internet is grossly irresponsible.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by JustOneMore

I actually volunteer with Perverted Justice due to our 'then' 14 year old's experience with being approached by an adult male online. We taught her how to be safe, not to give out personal information... the whole deal. But no one can prepare a kid for an experienced pedophile who knows how to groom a kid and tell them everything they want/need to hear.

Yes! Thank you! The internet isn't dangerous? The people to To Catch a Predator specifically target children not much older than the OP's daughter. You can search someone's IP and easily find out what city/town they're in.

And leaving out the perverts...a simple search can come back with bondage/S&M or simulated rape. Imagine how damaging that would be to a young child, a female, no less. Your first experience with sex is intermixed with violence?

I think the internet is great and a child can learn a lot. However, it is so important for a parent to stay vigilant so they know what their child is viewing. At least if they were to see something inappropriate, it could be discussed.

[ThreeBeans]

I wonder how the parents of molested and murdered children would feel about the assertion that the net isn't dangerous? What about the teenagers who have taken their lives after documented cases of cyberbullying?

[NYCVeg]

I think part of the problem is that children often THINK they can handle things that they actually can't. How many times do kids beg to watch a horror movie, swearing up and down that they can handle it, and then have weeks and weeks of nightmares. If a child were to want to look at Daniel Pearl's beheading out of "curiosity" (Jessy's word), I think there is a very real danger that viewing the video, even just once, could be seriously harmful. I was a child (and am an adult) who is VERY affected by visual images. There are things I've seen in movies as an adult that stay with me for months and even years, that wake me up in the middle of the night and leave me frightened. And these are FICTIONS. Honestly, I don't think children (or most adults) are ready to see first-hand the horrible violence that human beings inflict on one another--particularly because Internet content is so often designed to leave quick, lasting impressions (it's visual, it's of "soundbite length, etc.). If I had watched a video of a real beheading as a child, I think I can say without question that I would have needed therapy to get past my fear and ditress.

And a further problem...if my child wants to watch a beheading on the Internet...why? Do I want him or her to complicit in the sensationalization of suffering? Does curiosity really override the right of victims of crimes to privacy and dignity?