My DS is wailing on kids! What's the underlying need?

[pitchfork]

In the past 24 hours my 23 month old has suddenly become agressive with other kids. Both times it was younger kids 14, 16 mos, both times at our home, they had stopped by to play. Yesterday he was throwing hard balls right at the little ones head, but today, he was practically stalking his little friend, pushing her down, hitting her, every chance he got.

Overall I'm an "Unconditional Parenting" mom, in the past when he grabs a toy or is tugging over one, or the occasional (up until now) smack, I show him how he has hurt the other child. "Look, little Violet is crying, what you did hurt her..." As he's gotten older, I remind him that he doesn't like it when others' do that to him. Also telling him "I won't let you hurt her" and catching his hand. That is what I did today as well, but every time I put him down, he went right back to her again ready to pounce! After the worst time (he knocked her into the edge of a wall) I took him in the other room to talk to him about it, offered to nurse, etc. but he went right back to it. I followed him closely, catching him every time he tried to get to her after that. They left shortly, fortunately they were very understanding.

He's a very attached, bright, very spirited, sensitive and intense kid. He's also cuttting 2 yr molars right now, but has been for a month, it's nothing new and didn't seem particularly bad today. No major changes, no move, no sitter/separation, change of routine, I wasn't paying particularly a lot of attention to the other child. He'd had a good breakfast only an hour before...

I gotta think I'm missing a need here, but I cant figure out what it is...I remember seeing my niece do this to my DS when she was a little older than this, the mom (my sister) didn't intervene at all and I remember being horrified, and just a tad judgemental.: Just two days ago we were at another child's home and I saw no sign of this. Could this be related to it being at our home?

In any case I can't find any reason why he would suddenly do this. Any more experienced Mamas out there have any ideas?

[abac]

My ds had a hard time having other children over to play at our house. At others' houses he was fine. So we didn't have children over here to play for a while. We would meet at the other child's house, or somewhere neutral, like a park. Could be he's having trouble sharing his toys? My ds really didn't like other kids playing with his toys until he got a little older

[Cherie2]

My grandson who is 25 months old has taken to throwing Lego's at his uncle's (15 year old) friends whenever they are around. Now I know 15 year olds can protect themselves, but grandson has gotten it in his head that this is a fun thing to do and boy it is getting tiresome trying to redirect him. I know what he wants is for them to play with him, but alas they rarely will.

[Xoe]

Play Dates are Over-Rated.

First, let me say that I think what your son is doing is normal for his age.

However, it's just my personal opinion.....but I don't really like to set up playdates for kids at that age. I just don't think they are ready for it. If they will "parralel play" peacefully with one-another, then fine. But if not, forget it. They don't "need" buddies as much as they need the interaction and guidance from loving adults. If you have to meet up with these other kids, shadow your child and don't let him hit or push the others. I think behaviors are often extinguished, over time, when we don't get the satisfaction of doing them. Eventually, your son will more than likely give up on trying to hit the other kids, and find something else that he can do to completion.

Otherwise....on a personal note, my daughter just turned 3, and she's a nurturer. She plays well with children older than herself, if they are respectful. She plays kindly with children younger than herself. But for the most part, she doesn't play well with children who are 2.5 - 3. And she is territorial about her toys. I have to remind my DD several times that she has to share when children are visiting her. If there is a child who is rough or hits a lot, I don't force her to be in that child's presence, even if I'm friends with the mom. DD's not a hitter, and I don't think she should have to endure the violence while the other kid is working through his natural, developmental issues. (I came to this conclusion when my friend's 4 year old kicked my DD in the stomach and off of a highbed....some kids take a long time to grow out of hitting others.)

There's a lot for kids to learn from playing together and forming friendships. But to the dismay of so many of us moms, I think the positives that can be learned often come later than we wished.

jmo.

xoe

[jen&james]

my son is 2 1/2 and I can say this is very age appropriate. he has been pushing other children since September. I couldn't even take him to the park for months because he would run at smaller children and tackle them or knock them down for no reason. It has been very frustrating. He has been doing alot of changing in the last few months and his vocabulary and his ability to express himself has increased so the pushing has started to decrease. We can now go to a park and he will "use his gentle hands" but I still shadow him around the climbing structures because as much as I want to trust we are almost over this hurdle he will sometimes still push and I don't want anyone to get hurt. It will get better, it sounds like you are doing the right thing just continue to shadow so no one gts hurt and avoid situations you know will bring out the agression.

[janasmama]

Originally Posted by Xoe

Play Dates are Over-Rated.

First, let me say that I think what your son is doing is normal for his age.

I completely agree. It's age appropriate to hit and as long as you continue to repeat the same exact thing to him each time he will eventually understand. Repetition is retention. Even if it takes 3 months.

Just because a child is acting a certain way doesn't mean we are or aren't doing something or not fulfilling a need.

[Fuamami]

I agree that playdates are overrated. You also may find that he's entering an age where either you won't really ever discover the underlying need, or it won't be one you can fill. For example, maybe his underlying need is to experiment with what happens when you hurt people. I think most toddlers try this out, but that doesn't mean you can let them hurt their friends.

[pitchfork]

Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear it's normal, even tho not fun to deal with. I do think there's something to it being in our home, it may be sharing toys, I told him Violet was coming over to play with our toys and he told me before she got here that he didn't want to share. He has said that before, so I guess I just didn't take it seriously enough. Even if it wasn't the sharing, on his home turf he must just feel safe enough to experiment with this behavior.

I agree with the playdates are pointless thing as well. It may be that for parents of mellower, non spirited kids who will just parallel play it's fine. That's not my kid, I knew that, I just didn't see this one coming. It's just that sometimes I'm really dying for the adult interaction myself. DH travels alot and sometimes I just need other adult company. I think I will re-evaluate my own need and take a break from having people over for awhile.

[anne+arun]

our 21 month old son went through a period of pushing & biting others. He is generally over it (for now) but it emerges occasionally.

My strategy is:

1. apologise to the child who was hurt and ensure they are being cared for

2. explaining to ds that he hurt someone

3. consider what is going on for ds – emotionally (invasion of space; feeling frustrated that my attention is directed at another parent/ child; confused about a social situation etc) and physically (sleep; food; body development)

4. caring for ds, addressing anything obvious that came up in "3" and often redirecting his attention and energy into another outlet (trains, throwing a ball in a bucket instead of someones head, vigorous crayon drawing etc etc).

id question what is being modelled when a parent smacks or hurts their child to show them how another child feels or to supposedly create empathy. Perhaps it is simply showing the child that when hurt they should hurt back?

arun
-----
http://www.theparentingpit.com

[pitchfork]

Originally Posted by anne+arun

id question what is being modelled when a parent smacks or hurts their child to show them how another child feels or to supposedly create empathy. Perhaps it is simply showing the child that when hurt they should hurt back?

FWIW, I would more than question this, I would not do it. Violence teaches violence. When I remind him that it hurts when others do this to him, I mean referring to an example of when other kid has hit or pushed or grabbed from him.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by pitchfork

Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear it's normal, even tho not fun to deal with. I do think there's something to it being in our home, it may be sharing toys, I told him Violet was coming over to play with our toys and he told me before she got here that he didn't want to share. He has said that before, so I guess I just didn't take it seriously enough. Even if it wasn't the sharing, on his home turf he must just feel safe enough to experiment with this behavior.

I agree with the playdates are pointless thing as well. It may be that for parents of mellower, non spirited kids who will just parallel play it's fine. That's not my kid, I knew that, I just didn't see this one coming. It's just that sometimes I'm really dying for the adult interaction myself. DH travels alot and sometimes I just need other adult company. I think I will re-evaluate my own need and take a break from having people over for awhile.

I've BTDT. My ds has flat out told me that he hates "T" and that when he comes over he's going to hit him, and I still haven't cancelled the playdate. And guess what? Ds kept his word. But I'm an extrovert, and it's really hard for me to turn down a chance at adult company. FWIW, he does much, much better at public places, like the library, the mall, or the park. Maybe your ds would too?

And, I think it's great that he can verbalize that he doesn't want to share with her! Being in touch with your emotions is the first step to controlling them, right?

[leafylady]

He's overwhelmed and needs a quick change of pace, before the hits or bites, and plenty of adult interaction. I learned a lot from our University daycare provider. Their approach to aggression was to keep a lot of adults around and redirect the activity before tension turned into aggression. If a child did get hit or bitten, they gave all of their fussing and attention to the hurt child, not to the agressor. They also did not punish the aggressor. They simply focused their attention on the hurt child and tried harder to prevent the agression in the first place.

At that age, it's the parents responsibility to see and intervene before the hitting starts. The toddlers can't predict or reason it out on their own.

I know it's hard!

[leafylady]

Park playdates on neutral ground are often easier than in-home playdates with toddlers.

[ruhbehka]

Maybe he's experimenting with the idea of being bigger and more powerful?

Or wanting to play and unsure how to instigate a game?