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The Queer & Pregnant thread - January/February 2008! - Page 3

post #41 of 137
On the subject of what to call the 2 mums (in the case there are 2) - we've decided that Annie will be called mum and I'll be called ma. But there's a part of me that's disappointed that my children can't call me mum. there's something really special to me about being called mum. but i can't decided if it's silly or not. But that's why I raised the question. It's awesome to see that the two mums can both be called mum without confusion - adding on the name at the end if necessary solves the problem easily. we just weren't sure if it would be too confusing for the kids.
post #42 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by kk_davey View Post
And your poor donor and girlfriend! I can't imagine getting right the way through the pregnancy - 3 days from delivery! - and having a still born. I just can't imagine how you would recover from that. Can we never stop worrying through this process?? What went wrong?? If you don't mind me asking. Ignore me if you do.

snoopy - I'm not sure why you'd want Elizabeth's name to be ungendered so I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. Who would you be showing the birth certificate to that you wouldn't want to know about Elizabeth? Or is it a legal thing that you're not allowed to, or is it just for personal reasons or ...? If the reason is really important then sure it might be a good idea. But I also think it could cause problems in the future like thismama says.
as far as i know, they still don't know and will never know why the stillbirth happened -- and i have read that that is the case 60% of the time. it's truly awful. we haven't seen our donor since we did our insemination -- he lives in another state and we were not close friends before all this, just longtime work colleagues who became friends... and have only met his girlfriend a handful of times... we will see him on sunday when we go down there as he wants to give us some baby stuff.

yeah it's just a personal thing, a moral thing, that i want both our child's parent's names on the birth certificate, even if it makes not a whit of legal difference. if she was an infertile man and we used a donor, they'd put her name on when the kid was born, but its not a sure thing since she's a woman not a man... but that's potential good news from angela that they may go ahead and do it with her as is in our state anyhow, no need for subterfuge and potential future trouble... i'll ask the midwife at our next visit.

i have no tolerance right now for heterosexism, how will i find the patience to deal with it all for the next 8 months if we are fortunate enough to have this pregnancy continue to progress...

my health update is that i've been super achy and rather miserable since the spinal tap. i had to do a bunch of caffeine today for migraine headache after doing basically none for months, and now its 2:30 am and i've watched all the DVDs and still wide awake (i've been falling asleep at like 9 or 10 pm usually)... but the good news is that i'm not in much pain right now.

i've been taking the valtrex since thursday and am resigned to doing it till we get test results. the numbness got a bit better for a few days then back w/ a vengeance today, real bad on the left side, this is so confusing and frustrating.

and tomorrow i get to start calling the neurologist to see if any results in yet...

JD
post #43 of 137
Ultrasound went great and the lil bean sprout is growing well. We saw a nice yolk sac and a slightly baby shaped peanut next to it...aww love at first sight. Heartbeat 123....so as the old wive's tale would have it maybe a boy?
post #44 of 137
We would like to be added to sept club!
post #45 of 137
Sorry Angela...

Due date
fogot Sept 14th expected due date!
post #46 of 137
Thread Starter 
Congrats, Cookie, and welcome!
post #47 of 137
cookie70
post #48 of 137
hi cookie, welcome!

here's my update: the results from last week's tests are in and say:
1) no sign of any inflammation (as in there's no white blood cells in the spinal fluid, and inflammation is what ostensibly causes the numbness)
2) no signs of recent or acute infection (as in the zoster theory), and
3) no signs of MS (as in these things called oglioclonal bands that are usually present)

so...

that's
1) good news
2) not so good news, as i was taking the valtrex for nothing, and it would have been great to have a treatable cause, and
3) good news.

which adds up to weird news as i still feel numb and lousy. but i think i will start feeling less lousy when the drug is out of my system, as it has side effects like headache that i think i've been having if its not from the spinal tap.

and now back to the reason we are here: pregnancy!

it feels so weird to think i'm still pregnant with all that's been going on. but there's no reason to think i'm not. i have lost weight, i found out in the gym locker room today ( i finally went back for a swim after not going since new year's eve!)... just a pound or 2 but that still feels weird... and my breasts have stopped swelling so rapidly. but i'm not bleeding or anything like that, i'm just feeling crazy.

and how are all of you?

JD
post #49 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by snoopy13 View Post
hi cookie, welcome!

here's my update: the results from last week's tests are in and say:
1) no sign of any inflammation (as in there's no white blood cells in the spinal fluid, and inflammation is what ostensibly causes the numbness)
2) no signs of recent or acute infection (as in the zoster theory), and
3) no signs of MS (as in these things called oglioclonal bands that are usually present)

so...

that's
1) good news
2) not so good news, as i was taking the valtrex for nothing, and it would have been great to have a treatable cause, and
3) good news.

which adds up to weird news as i still feel numb and lousy. but i think i will start feeling less lousy when the drug is out of my system, as it has side effects like headache that i think i've been having if its not from the spinal tap.
JD
That's awesome news snoopy! All in all I mean. No MS must be just such a relief. Very weird that you're numb and there's no reason though. Although, come to think of it, they couldn't find a reason with me, and the neurologist said to me that that's quite common (after telling me it was psychosomatic, which I was really pissed about!). So will it be a case of just wait and see?? See if it goes away or just maintains etc etc??

Excellent that you can stop taking the valtrex, seeing as how you were never very comfortable with it. I can't believe you've been quietly putting up with side effects from that, as well as all of the 1st trimester symptoms! That's a shit load for one person to have to take.

At the moment I'm in my 19th week, but I still keep getting nauseous and I'm really tired all the time. Everyone keeps telling me I'll get my second trimester beans (energy) and I'll feel really great, but it keeps just not happening. So I have a terrible feeling that I'm gonna be one of the unlucky ones that feels shit all the way through. It's nothing like as consistent as it was in the 1st trimester, but it still pops up quite a bit. Bummer!

And - sorry about having a whinge session! - I'm getting a lot of cramps at the moment. I know they say that it's normal, but they're so like period cramps that it just really freaks me out. I still can't believe in my heart that I'll be one of the lucky people that ends up holding a beautiful, perfect baby, so every time I get these cramps I feel like it's the end. I have this constant feeling that the pregnancy is all part of an act or a play, and that the cramps will come and I'll get my period then we can go on with life as it was supposed to be for me. That we can all put an end to the act. Which I really don't want to do - I want it to turn out to be real and to get the beautiful baby at the end.

Does that sound really crazy?! I guess it's just all so abstract that it's hard to really incorporate the whole thing in to how I view myself and my life. It probably gets incorporated pretty quickly when the baby comes though!

Question for you all - who is enjoying being pregnant? Annie loved being pregnant. She just felt really calm and stable, and really happy all of the time. And she felt in control. Annie's always suffered from depression and ADD (she can't concentrate etc), but during her pregnancy was the only time I've seen her actually be able to watch a whole movie in one sitting. It was amazing! It just stabilised her.

I love the idea of this little being growing inside of me, and I love the joy and excitement of being pregnant, but it hasn't stabilised me like it did Annie. It's done the opposite - I have no control over my frustration, and I get really emotional very easily, which is so not part of my character. I've always been very calm and easy going. It's weird being this feisty, emotional person!
post #50 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by kk_davey View Post
And - sorry about having a whinge session! - I'm getting a lot of cramps at the moment. I know they say that it's normal, but they're so like period cramps that it just really freaks me out. I still can't believe in my heart that I'll be one of the lucky people that ends up holding a beautiful, perfect baby, so every time I get these cramps I feel like it's the end. I have this constant feeling that the pregnancy is all part of an act or a play, and that the cramps will come and I'll get my period then we can go on with life as it was supposed to be for me. That we can all put an end to the act. Which I really don't want to do - I want it to turn out to be real and to get the beautiful baby at the end.

Does that sound really crazy?! I guess it's just all so abstract that it's hard to really incorporate the whole thing in to how I view myself and my life. It probably gets incorporated pretty quickly when the baby comes though!
that sounds far from crazy. i mean, i have been feeling that way pretty constantly. i think there was ONE day so far where i felt calm and balanced and like maybe this wasn't some funny dream where i'll wake up and not be pregnant... and then the next day i started with the numbness and was back in crazy-feeling land.

one day a few weeks ago i went to a volunteer training at an aquarium and ended up lifting like 20 5-gallon buckets full of water in and out of tanks, so like 4 feet off the ground. it's pretty much the most physical thing i've done in MONTHS. and i got home and i was like "what the HELL?" that's pretty much the ONLY thing i'm not supposed to do this early on -- lift heavy objects -- besides not doing major drugs or whatever, and here it is i did it???? what am i thinking???

and i realized that it was precisely that feeling of this is a play, it's not real, and also the elation of not feeling achy and able to do physical stuff that led me to do it -- as if i wasn't really pregnant or still waiting to find out.

i pretty much freaked out that night.

well, things seem to be proceeding ok as far as i can tell, if my increasing queasiness about food is any indication, so my indiscretion seems to have not been devastating -- but it really did make me feel just how crazy i feel!!!!

and i would think i probably will feel pretty much as crazy in week 19... i spent so many years worrying about getting pregnant, when to start, what to do, etc -- the fact that i got pregnant after 2 months of DIY turkey-bastering, basically, REALLY feels unreal...

JD
post #51 of 137
Well
Just speaking for us and I am not the one with the baby in the oven! I hate this time! We are 7 weeks and all I can think about is her temp,any cramps? How do you feel? Any spotting? Don't lift that , don't do that! Why is your temp so high, call the Dr..................BLA BLA BLA
It is just miserable.....I am not going to relax and feel ok until I see that baby, hear a heart beat or something and It does take the joy out of this time!
AM I KOOKOOOOOOO?????
post #52 of 137
Quote:
Originally Posted by cookie70 View Post
It is just miserable.....I am not going to relax and feel ok until I see that baby, hear a heart beat or something and It does take the joy out of this time!
AM I KOOKOOOOOOO?????
I feel the same way! We are just 5w1d and I don't know how I am going to make it through this agonizing wait to our 2/1 ultrasound. I am hopeful and happy at times but so, so scared.
post #53 of 137
I am going to be 13 weeks on Friday and I am worried all the time and I even got to see my baby via an ultrasound about 3 weeks ago. I think it's true that once you're pregnant the worry doesn't end. Then when the baby comes we have something else to worry about. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
post #54 of 137
for some reason around 1 pm today i decided to knock off with the worrying.

one thing that happened was i was reading sheila kitzinger's book "rediscovering birth," which among other things talks about how the medicalization of pregnancy and childbirth encourages us to worry a lot...

but i also think i just got tired of the constant worrying.

then at 4:30 pm i missed a call from the midwife saying "call me about your lab tests, i'm here till 5 pm." didn't hear it till 6 pm... so now i have something new to worry about, at least till tomorrow morning... but i still feel less worried overall, i think i may just not have the energy for it right now (worry, that is...)

it seems like the one thing i can count on is frequent twists and turns, ups and downs. so for now i'm accepting that i don't know what is going to happen, and not worrying as much, and bolstering myself with the knowledge s that surely things will keep being up and down!

now i'm going to watch some movies.

JD
post #55 of 137
For me, the worrrying has been up and down for this entire pregnancy. The whole first trimester I worried about every twinge and cramp I felt. I swore I would relax once we got through the "high m/c rate" time period. But the first tri came and went and I always found more things to worry about. I worried about not feeling her move and now that I do, I worry that it's not enough. I worry that my worrying is hurting her energy in some way.

I did go and buy a home doppler machine so I can listen to her heartbeat whenever I want to. It's funny though... now that I have it, I really don't use it much at all. Just knowing it's there is reassuring. Sometimes I tell myself, if I don't feel her in 5 minutes, I'll get the doppler. And without fail, she gives me a swift kick almost immediately!

I'm really working on finding ways to calm myself down, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life worried about this child.

Yoga, anyone?
post #56 of 137
Thread Starter 
It's funny, because I was the most worried person in the world while trying to conceive. Every month that I didn't get pregnant, I became convinced that I had some new manifestation of infertility. (In spite of the fact that I got pregnant and then m/c'd the first time I tried...) My first couple weeks of pregnancy, the worrying continued. I was convinced that I was about to lose the baby; every cramp sent me into a state of panic. And then... the worry just all went away.

I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't that I felt suddenly wonderful and calm and happy- I didn't. I was an emotional wreck, I was sick all of the time, I cried constantly. But, I somehow just knew that everything was going to be fine with the baby.

Now I'm 12.5 weeks, and I do actually feel great. My nausea and crying are gone, and I really do just feel happy, at peace. I mean, I know logically that terrible, sad things happen to people all of the time, in pregnancy and not. But, for some reason, I've been able to let go of all of that worry, and just be. It's nice.

Sadly, I don't have any advice on how to achieve this happy state. I think maybe I just worried so much during ttc that I got it all out of my system... And who knows, maybe once the kid is here I'll turn into a nervous parent again. For now though, I'm just enjoying this respite from anxiety...
post #57 of 137

more worrisome news

ok here's what the midwife had to tell me:

i'm a tay sachs carrier.

if my donor is also a carrier, there is a 1 in 4 chance the child will have a uniformly and quickly fatal disease.

he is english, so he does not have a likelihood of being a carrier as high as me (an ashkenazi jew of eastern european descent), BUT people from the british isles DO have higher rates than the general population.

so i had to ask the recently bereaved man to get a genetic test. that is the part i perhaps feel most awful about.

if he does turn out to be a carrier, i can get a CVS test in week 11 that can tell if the fetus is carrying the genetic abnormality.

so basically, i am looking at a second risk that may be about as likely as down's syndrome, until we find out if he is a carrier or not.

if we find out he is NOT a carrier -- by far the most likely outcome -- then there is NO risk of the child having the disease but they might end up being a carrier like me.

i want to be done with worrying so perhaps i just will be. maybe i am. it makes no difference to the outcome if i worry or not.

and speaking of yoga, i'm going tonight. my beloved teacher is away all month so i have not been going as often but i have high hopes for the substitute teacher.

JD
post #58 of 137
Thread Starter 
JD- I'm sorry. That really blows. I'm sure that everything is going to turn out absolutely fine, but I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this all right now. It must have been so hard to call your KD and ask him to do the test.

Big hugs, and lots of good, positive wishes heading your way...
post #59 of 137

miscarriage

i'm starting to have one. spotting this morning, and emergency ultrasound showed there's nothing growing in there. it's called blighted ovum. i can either wait for it to happen naturally or get a D&C. for now i am waiting. and may get D&C next week if it doesn't happen on its own.

i am going to leave these lists for a while, best of luck to you all. virtual life is not as interesting when real life is so lousy.

sadly, JD
post #60 of 137
JD
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