I want to cry....

[koru]

I just hit my 4.5 yr old. I wacked her on the butt because she was screaming at the top of her lungs & kicking me. I smacked her fairly hard and now I feel like climbing under a rock. I apologized to her & she said she forgave me but can I forgive myself? To make it worse, right after she said she forgave me she continued screaming & kicking me (I was laying next to her in bed trying to get her to have a little quiet time) so I just got up & left her there, wailing.

I sent my husband an email, too, admitting what I'd done because I felt so awful & now I'm scared he'll start blaming me everytime the girls hit each other. (they don't do it very often but you know how it is ~ frustration does crazy things to preschoolers....and mothers, too, apparently). He already blames me every time they scream because I tend to raise my voice but lord knows I don't let it out like they do! I completely understand & believe that modeling good behavior is excellent parenting & think I do this 95% of the time but the 5% of the time I screw up, all the kids' bad behaviours are blamed on me.

Anyway, I can't go back but I just feel terrible. All I wanted was a few minutes of alone time & it led to this....

[laoxinat]

Aww mama, don't beat yourself up too much. Everyone has triggers, and now you know one more of yours!
Think back to right before the incident. What were you thinking about? These thoughts are clues to the beliefs you have about her behavior. A typical example is when we tell ourselves our dcs will NEVER stop doing A,B or C. If we examine this belief with detachment, we of course recognize its absurdity. Then we are freed up to be in the moment and to deal with what IS rather than our thoughts and judgements about things. Hope this makes sense!
I need to add "Read Naomi Aldort" to my siggy!!! It's a wonderful book full of wisdom and compassion.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

You are human. Humans make mistakes. In the spirit of modeling good behavior, figure out how to avoid this one again, forgive yourself and move on. That's what you want your children to do, right?

Screaming is a trigger for me too. I have learned to calmly excuse myself and move away. I will tell my kids "I will talk to you when you are calmer but I can't listen to you screaming."

Kids scream. They also hit until they learn better impulse control. While you can probably hasten their learning better coping mechanisms (maybe), you cannot avoid having them do these things. Your DH needs to understand this. If he truly thinks its all your fault, you need to find him some materials on what is age-appropriate children's behavior or find some other way to make him understand its not you. Living with that sort of blame isn't health for anyone!

[misseks]

Hugs.

You'll probably do more harm dwelling on it, feeling guilty about it, trying to make up for it etc than just letting go & moving on.

As my mom says, "Let go and let god." (do the rest...)

[Music-mommy]

Yes forgive yourself, we are all human, we all lose it from time to time. Even though we'd all like to think we don't!

In a way I think it can be better for our children to see our emotions than for us to always repress them. I have met many mothers who are always trying to be nice and calm and not show any emotion that in the end it doesn't do their kids any service either. I'm not condoning hitting at all, or screaming, I'm just saying that it's ok to make mistakes and be human, and it's ok to tell your kids that you are really sad about what you did.

Don't feel bad. Maybe you shoudl talk to your DH about not criticizing you.

[koru]

Thank you all so much! I don't have time to respond to everything you've all said but I've read your responses quite a few times over the last couple of days just to remind myself that I'm not a terrible person. Yes, self-forgiveness is the way to go. I've been able to open up to a few people IRL, too, which has helped. It's amazing how something so normal in certain households (spanking) has had such a huge effect on me!

And for the record, dh was very understanding. Phew! I think he saw how upset I was so there was no way he could criticize.

And it's funny how dd is completely uneffected by it. The afternoon after it happened, she & I ran some errands together & I tried apologizing to her again to let her know how terrible I felt. She acted like she didn't even know what I was talking about!? I decided to just drop it & keep telling her how much I love her. Love really is a balm for all wounds!

[amber913]

I've been where you are, after years of telling myself I'd never be there. A good mom realizes her mistake and takes pains to avoid the same in the future, as you're doing. The trick is taking the situation seriously enough to avoid letting it happen again, while not so seriously you're drowning in shame. I've tried to focus on how well I've found and kept that balance. I pride myself on the fact that I figured out what the trigger was and avoided it thereafter. Good luck to you!