Leaving places, car seat etc with a toddler and a newborn

[msiddiqi]

DS is 2 1/2 yo and DD is 2 1/2 mo. DS has always had a hard time leaving places but it's gotten even more difficult now because I have to worry about DD's needs too. Leaving anywhere has become quite difficult to the point that I almost don't want to take him anywhere (but if I do that he cries at home all day - that's a whole other problem, but he's been crying a lot lately).
I try to transition him, telling him we are leaving after he goes on the slide x number of times or whatever he wants to do. But he says, I want to do it so many times... ok, sure, what is so many times? He says "Sooo many times!". Any suggestion of a certain number times sets off a tantrum.
Fine, I talk to him about it before. "DS we are going to the park today", his reaction always a good one. "But I need you to help me DS, when Amma says we need to leave, I need you to help me and come home with me.", he agrees, but when it comes down to it, it's a no go. Btw, it's a lot more enthusiastic of a conversation than the way I wrote it but I'm just feeling too lazy to type it all out
Trying to transition to something else fun, "We are going to go eat, paint, read books, do puzzles, go see xyz, etc". "I don't wannnnaaaaaaa, I wanna just be hereeeee". "Can you think of something fun to do?"... "Nooooo".
Trying to make a game out of it, see who can get to the car first etc... Nope doesn't work either.
This was ALWAYS a problem, but now I have DD too. And while she is very patient, she has her limits too.
Actually, even getting in the car seat GOING somewhere fun is also a struggle (pretty much always has been as well). He wants to do xyz before he gets in. Ok sure go ahead.. now he wants to do abc. Ok fine... now he wants to do something else first. Yesterday we missed his story time and came home and he cried. I explained to him that we missed it because we go too late leaving the house and because he didn't want to get in the car seat and that we will try to go somewhere tomorrow but he did the same thing again today. And again, it would be no big deal sometimes but then I have DD crying in the car seat because the car isn't moving. I'm embarrassed to say that DS has been forced in the car seat almost every day for the past 2 weeks because of that. Because if DD doesn't have the car moving and continues to cry then she ends up getting to the point of no return, and I have to take her out, nurse her again etc. Then DS cries that he wants to go.
Hoping for some new ideas

[LilyGrace]

I think, if I were you, I'd set firmer limits.

We need to leave by 10:15. That gives us time for one more activity. Which one do you want to do before we go?

And after that one thing, it's time to go. It's okay to cry, it's okay not to get one's way the entire time. And it's okay for mom to help him deal with that sadness instead of trying to make it go away by giving in to another's whims all the time.

You just have to be very clear at the beginning, middle, and end.

[Xoe]

hugs....cause I cant stand getting my 3 y o and my 3 month old out of the house, either. And that's with my 3 yo capable of putting on her own panties, pants, socks and shoes. I'm sorry to say that to get out, I have to be pretty firm with the 3yo. But she's always glad we went to the library or park, so it's worth it. The 3 yo is a library junkie! LOL! And I've never had a car seat refusal, so I have no advice on that. Otherwise...1) for the infant, get a snap-and-go stroller for the car seat. That will make it easier to keep her moving and sleeping, and make it easier to chase the toddler around the library and park over the months to come. (plus-- if your dc2 is a heavy-weight, like mine, you'll be glad you got it. I didn't need it when I had one. But with 2? Yes.) You should be able to get one one freecycle, or second hand, at minimal cost. 2) on days you are staying in, tell dc at the start of the day-- and be resolute. then, plan lots of fun things...and include opportunities to help you do household chores. If you turn these things into games, your child won't see helping around the house in a negative light. 3) On days you have to go out, make it easy on yourself. Bathe them and put out their clothes the night before. Get yourself dressed and bags packed before they wake. Get the baby fed, dressed and in the car seat first...then manage the toddler.

otherwise, hope other mamas have better ideas.

xoe

[WuWei]

My friend calls this the "Get in the car we are going to have fun, damn it!"

Could you let him sit and play in the car sometime when you are not trying to go somewhere? Do this a bunch of times when you have plenty of time and he'll meet his desires for car exploration. Also, consider having fun activities for in the car, songs, music, magnadoodle, snacks, etc. (folks could offer a bunch of ideas) If it is cold and a coat is an issue, you might just leave the coat off and use a blanket. Ds can not tolerate having a coat on, in the car. So, we get in, wrap up and then when it is too hot, he tosses the blanket off. Or carry him in the blanket to the car.

Do you get everything together before telling him it is time to go? This is a 'play it by ear' thing. Ds now will hop up to go; however when he was younger, he needed a 'notice' that we were about ready. And when he was quite young, if I said we were going tomorrow, he was already ready NOW! But, what worked best was to connect and engage ds and then get everything ready; then watch for a "transition" point, where ds was moving from one activity to another. Say, done playing with trains, and coming for a snack, then head out to see the flowers, ladybug hunt, hop in the grass, etc. Move outside, not necessarily to the car immediately. There is a lot of fun stuff to explore outside!

Also, dressing him before I was ready to leave helped at some stages, and at others he'd just take the clothes off. Another possibility, when it is warm, is to just go without a bunch of clothes/shoes/socks. We'd dress ds in a heartbeat at arrive, because he wanted to get out to play. This happened up until about age 6.

And if ds didn't want to go, we reschedule. But, for fun stuff, he would, but not if I were interrupting his play. Working with him and observing/catching the flow so that we could both want to go *together* is an art. And even harder when you need to get the baby fed, dressed, dry, and rested. I found it easier to have folks to our house to play, and run errands when dh was available to help with childcare.


Pat

[Music-mommy]

ok I'm going to offer a different perspective because now in retrospect I see better....

My dd is now 6 and dd2 is 2.

But I remember when dd2 was only a few months old. It sounds like your ds is trying to gain back some of the power he had when he was an only child. Sounds like he's not liking that dd has some control over the day, definitely more control than HE would like. I found the more frustrated I got with my dd1 the worse things got, and in the end the only thing that worked was to really put TONS of focus on making her feel good, try to make it appear fair to her, I had to give her lots of love and kisses, and make her feel in control sometimes.

It would probably be better not to tell him that you need to leave because of dd, but rather because you are tired or need to go. They don't seem to understand at this age that they have different needs than their sibling, they simply see it as unfair. So it probably would be better to simply say it's time to go, than to say dd needs to go.

It will get easier. I remember that when dd2 was about 3 monhts is when it hit her that this baby was here to stay and sure wasn't much fun.

You need to give yourself twice as much time to get ready as before, know that it will take you at least 20 minutes just to get the boots on and get in the car.

I have to say there were many times when I had to take dd1 and put her in the car, against her will, without her shoes on or her coat or even in her pjs sometimes! It seemed that once we were gone from the house things got better, and she was like "ok, let's go then" once we had driven away. Then when we got where we were going, I'd get her dressed before she got out of the car.

[yarngoddess]

Sounds like a high needs kid. My oldest, Jake, was like that. He was very hard to transition to anything, from changing diapers to leaving the house. I don't know how many times I would just sit and cry.

I would suggest you go get a clip on timer. Tell LO that you are leaving in 10 min, and that when the timer beeps then you are leaving no matter what. I then would remind him at 5 min, 3 min and then when it's time to go- you GO. You don't give another chance, or one more slide. You GO now. I know that dosen't leave room for DS to express or experience things his way, however there is a time when kids have to do things because they are told to.

I would also bring his car seat in the house and let him play on it for a few days, and then start Practicing how to get in the seat correctly, over and over again. Tell him that... The Doctor/Police (whom ever) said that all kids are supposed to practice how to get in and out of the carseat safely. I don't know why that works, but it seems to help. He is old enough to understand that you do things to be safe. I used to tell my DS that we had to practice for "Safety FIrst!" and we said that every time we put him in the carseat. He still, at age 6, says that!

I also, at this point, would limit your "outings" to JUST what's nescisary. seriously. I know how much a pain in the bobo this is, but don't take him out for a while. Try to tone down his day, take some "busy" time away. Try to have things a little more predictable and calm for a few days. Sounds like DS is having a hard time adjusting to the new baby, and he is already a high needs kind of a kid. Get High Needs Baby by Dr.Sears and Rasing your Spirited Child. they are great books that might have some great ideas for you.

Hang in there!

[Fuamami]

[QUOTE=yarngoddess;10257833I also, at this point, would limit your "outings" to JUST what's nescisary. seriously. [/QUOTE]

I agree. I had this issue, too, w/dd and ds1. Except that when ds1 was done being out, he was done. He was easily overstimulated and when he got tired he went straight to screaming. So, we stayed home. A lot.

[msiddiqi]

I like the idea of bringing him in the car when we aren't going anywhere and bringing the car seat inside, and also the timer. I think I'll try those next week. As far as outings go, we don't do ANY errands anymore. All of that is reserved for when someone can watch my kids. The only places we go are for him and because he gets really upset when we don't go anywhere. I try to keep some days where we just stay home, but honestly, it's really miserable. His crying is almost non-stop - at least when we are outside there are some moments of peace.

I don't enforce outings on him, if he wants to go, we go. If he doesn't that is fine too.

But then the whole process of getting out of the house in the car seat and more than anything, having to, in the end, LEAVE the fun place went to is just overwhelming. We've even spent a week and a half with my mom at her house and he was still crying he didn't want to go home when we left, so it feels like there is just no limit for him. I try to make home time fun too, cooking together, painting, playing with his play kitchen, puzzles etc - all of which he enjoys but when we are out, he does not want to come home.

As far as giving him more time, I really feeling like DD is already so neglected. She's really laid back, I just sling her, and spend all my time with DS. He might need some more physical contact but it's a little hard because DD does require to be in a sling or held in order to sleep. There's only so much given room on my body to cuddle with and he wants nothing else but exactly where DD is. When I'm not holding DD, he doesn't want to cuddle. Perhaps, I shouldn't tell him I need him to get in quickly because DD is crying but he usually is very concerned about her so I thought it might work.

[msiddiqi]

[QUOTE=WuWei;10257678]My friend calls this the "Get in the car we are going to have fun, damn it!"


Actually, for us it's leaving the house to go out somewhere is usually his idea - the process just takes a long time, which I would have no problem with, but I find it hard to juggle DD's needs with his. Usually when I go down I bring her in her bucket car seat and leave her at the door inside. Then I bring him in first. The reason I do one at a time, is because DS is a runner and I'm not comfortable with going to the other side of the van to put DD in first while DS is outside too. So I bring him in first and then he starts wanting to explore the car, or he has a series of rituals he must do beforehand (different every time so it's quite unpredictable). Usually those rituals are followed by other rituals, and in the meanwhile DD is starting to scream inside the house because she's doesn't like to be stationary (unless I'm holding her). I ask DS if he really wants to go, or would rather play at home and he says no I want to go out. But he still doesn't want to get in the car seat. That's where the problem lies as far as going out somewhere. Like I said before, I don't enforce outings on him (unless it's something really important that must be done). I am still going to try letting him play in the car with no plan of going anywhere one of these days this week.

The bigger problem I'm having is leaving somewhere fun to go home which I explained in my other post. Unless we are going somewhere else fun, and NOT home he cries and refuses to go. I do need to go home sometimes

[funkygranolamama]

What does he REALLY enjoy doing at home? Maybe you can set that up before you leave. Tell him, "I'm going to put the crayons and paper on the table so when we get home from the park we can color together", or "I'm going to put a spoon and napkin on the table so when we get home we can share some yogurt.". It may give him another thing to want to do before he leaves, but it's worth a try.

He may just be a late type person. My sil is the SAME way. She keeps doing things past the time she is supposed to leave to go somewhere and is always late.

[msiddiqi]

That's a really good idea funkygranolamama but I am not entirely sure it'll work on DS. But hey, I'll try anything. But he really is kind of in the present at all times. It's hard to help him see something in the future. Besides the fact is that for him, NOTHING tops being outside

[gaialice]

For leaving the park, if it is not a dangerous place, did you try "It is time to go. Because I walk very very slowly, I'll start going. Anyway, you run so fast, I bet you can reach me before I am at the gate"
Worked with my dd1, who is a very independent kid, she would not be scared that I would really leave her. Might not work with an anxious kid.
As for going out, a good idea would be starting the stories on tape or the music or whatever before attempting to put him in the car seat. Maybe the car seat does not smell nice or does not feel nice or something else? We had some luck for awhile putting some drops of essential lavender on the car seats. Also, is he able to climb into the car seat bz himself? My dd learnt that early on and she would be much more agreeable to going in the car if she knew she would be able to climb into it all by herself.
Being in the house all day with a toddler and a newborn is rather miserable, so I would keep trying to find solutions that work for you.

[msiddiqi]

He actually has been putting himself in the car seat for a while now. The story books sound interesting. Maybe that'll calm his nerves a bit and he'll be able to sit down quicker. Getting more and more ideas for this week I'm going to need to write down a list before I forget all of this