Non-AP parenting techiques that bug you

[delighted.mama]

OK, sometimes I feel like I am being such a stickler when I ask my MIL or mom, or whoever is playing/watching dd to DO/NOT DO certain things. OR, when I see other parents in our playgroup do certain things with their kids. There are some parenting things that I simply do not want reinforced. I'm just curious if any of you have some parenting NO-NO's that drive you bonkers. Here are some things that bug me.....

-Saying "NO" repeatedly without either explaining why or stating the same concept in a different way, such as "Please don't do that..."

-Using scare techniques to get dd to do something.....like, "daddy's going to be home".... I hate this because she shouldn't be scared of any third person simply because someone told her not to put her feet on the table, for example.

-Letting the child simply do whatever without either re-directing or stopping the negative behavior------example, MIL actually let dd write on my walls with a crayon because "dd wanted to"....ARGH! I didn't think it was cute and I certainly don't want to reinforce that behavior with dd.

-Pushing food into DD's mouth....the "just-one-bite" syndrome---one of my biggest pet peeves. She'll eat if she's hungry!! I sound like a darn tape recording repeating this over and over again!

-T.V.---don't even get me started. For the most part, family is good about NOT turning it on, but, when then do let dd watch Mr. Roger's or something, they always tell me "how much she liked it!". She's 19 months! She likes watching ants crawl on the sidewalk too.....a more worthwhile activity IMO, than sitting like a zombie in front of the TV. (I had to disconnect the cable a few times to discourage tv use in my absence)

-Of course......spanking. No one has done this with dd, but I hate it when I am in a store and see someone screaming and slapping their kids around. Breaks my heart!!

That's about all I can think of right now. I'm sure more will surface if I think about it!:

[Quickening]

I hate it when parents threat their children... or blackmail their children or bribe their children!

It also greatly bugs me when parents make threats with instruments... like a wooden spoon or belt!!!!!!!!

I'm like uh, if you're gonna hit your child, do it with your hand so you know EXACTLY how much it hurts! If they hit with something then they could hit as hard as they like without having any idea of the actual damage they are doing.

Hitting full stop just makes me mad (even in the form of "spanking").

The repeated NO! seems to be a common thing! how annyoing is that?

One other thing is junk food.
I don't like it when other people say "oh just one candy/chocolate/bigmac won't hurt, give her a treat, I want to see her face when she eats it!" AND this is about my dd who is only 8 months and still exclusively bf! Ack! They better not do that when she is 2 years old, I really don't want her having refined sugar and junk food for a long while yet!

[PurplePixiePooh]

CIO - there is NOTHING more of a sore spot for me. If I am at someones home and they "put the baby to bed" and let the child cry till they are ready to go to sleep I have to leave or to say SOMETHING! IMO CIO is a barbaric, disgusting, sick thing to do to a child, and it makes me ill to think of how many innocent children are victims of a mind set that does not recognize their innate humanity by allowing a helpless infant or sweet, innocent child to cry themselves to sleep all alone and without comfort. DISGUSTING!!!!!

Junk food - pet peeve here. I get so grossed out watching mothers unload the shopping cart full of soda, "fruit" snacks, pop tarts, hot dogs and other garbage. I really hate it when we go somewhere and I have to repeatedly tell them, no Tina cannot have that candy, or she does not drink soda....what is worse is when there is no alternative and then she gets thirsty and we either have to leave, buy her something somewhere or allow her to have that crap. EWWWW......

Spanking - Its violent, degrading, dehumanizing, humiliating, and just plain WRONG! I especially hate it when people think nothing of those that will see that violent behavior, like another child. They just assume that if they hit their chldren so deos everyone else.

Threats - It irritates me to no end when someone will say something to my dd like "oh, no don't do that you'll get a spanking" I'm like, no we don't hit our children!!!

The "its gonna get you" threat to get a child to cooperate - sometimes I will catch someone say to dd "Hurry up come here or that snake will get you!" Why, oh WHY would you want to frighten a child into doing what you want, and it will eventually cause that child to have irrational fears.

Parents who allow violent 'play' - At a party we were at some children were playing like they were hitting one another and one even pretended to hit my dd! Hiting is wrong and it should not be encouraged. Period.

[padomi]

Yes, particularly the TV thing. When my mother comes to visit, it's a battle. If I leave the room, she turns the darn thing on. I've told her dd is only allowed to watch Noggin or videos and no more than an hour a day. But if I leave her alone with dd for a second, when I return, there's some violent cartoon on. When I explain that even cartoon ducks hitting each other is violence and not allowed - I'm told I'm too uptight.

Other than that, I hate it when my friend is mean to her kids. Her cute little boy will be trying to tell her something he's just discovered and she's ignoring him, then finally she'll yell and tell him to get lost. Makes me very sad.

[becoming]

my biggest peeve is when people mock their children. i have an acquaintance who will make fun of her children for crying, even when they get hurt. she'll say things like, "oooohhhh poor baby, you are so mistreated" and "oh look at the tiny little scratch, i'm sure that's soooo painful". it is absolutely sickening to me.

i am also disgusted by cio.

[Very Snoofly]

Hm, well, my examples aren't as extreme as CIO or spanking and I'm not sure they have anything to do with being "AP," but...

My mother-in-law cares for my daughter 3 days a week while I'm at work. In general, she's great (and free!), but there are a couple of things that really bug me. For example, if Mallory is working on a puzzle and puts a piece in the wrong slot, MIL will say, "No, that's wrong," and take the piece from her and put it in the right spot. I think it's awful to tell a toddler that she's doing something "wrong" while playing, and I never take things away or "help" unless Mallory is obviously frustrated--and even then I try to work with her to help her do it herself. (And I say things like, "Try again!" or "That's a tricky one!" -- anything besides "That's wrong.")

In a similar vein, a couple of weeks ago we bought a dollhouse for Mallory to play with at MIL's. It had a mom, dad, and baby and all kinds of furniture and accessories. MIL and Mallory were playing, and MIL suggested that the family eat dinner. Mallory proceeded to put the mommy doll in the baby's highchair. MIL said, "No, the mommy doesn't go there!" and took the doll out. Again--what's the point of that? If Mallory wants the mommy to sit in the highchair, then that's where the mommy she sit. She's 20 months old, for heaven's sake--don't stifle her! I intervened and said something about how the mommy could sit wherever she wanted to.

Anyway, as I said, I guess these examples can't compare to spanking...but still involve a lack of respect for a child's autonomy and individuality.

[NoHiddenFees]

Most of what peeves me has been mentioned already... but I've got one more that's not exactly AP related. It irritates me to no end when I hear, "good job, good job" for everything short of breathing. I was in a kids restaurant the other day and one mama there was hovering over her 3ish son at the train set asking every couple minutes whether he wanted another bite, or a drink. Every time the kid took a bite or sip, she acted practically overcome with joy... "good job, good job..."

[Naturalmomma]

I agree with all of the above!

I dislike multiple warnings. Some of the best advice I've heard is "A parent who warns their child multiple times before correcting the behavior, will have a child who has to be warned multiple times before listening"
That is so true for a friend of mine. Her son is 4 and has to be "warned" that they will go home if he doesn't share, stip hitting, etc...He does not listen to her, yet she will NEVER follow up on what she says.

I really despise inconsistent parenting. It take time for discipline to work!

I hate spanking obviously. I was at a baby shower recently where a 15 month old little boy wanted to play with magnets on the refrigerator. His mom went over and moved the magnets but he still kept reaching for them. So, she put them back right within his reach and repeatedly slapped his hand...HARD...every time he went to touch them. I was outraged!

[z-girl]

I'm not sure why, but I cringe when I hear parents scoldingly say, "Use your words." Maybe they could give their child an example of what to say, or do something more constructive than nag.

[lula]

Oh crap, I read this hoping I did not use any of the tehniques listed but...I do say "use your words" when my dd is just screaming or another child is trying to take a toy etc. I do not say it in a patronizing fashion; more as a reminder. Maybe I should rethink this but it does work she now will usually tell me what is going on or tell the other child she is playing with the toy etc. Argh, at least I don't CIO or something truly heinous.

lula

[monkeysmommy]

I hate it when parents tell their children not to do something when there is no good reason why they shouldn't do it. For instance, the last time I took my daughter to the ped, there was a mom there who kept yelling at her toddler to get off the floor, and not crawl around under the chairs. Meanwhile, my own child is crawling around happily under the chairs, and I'm thinking, "why shouldn't she be on the floor?" Then a few minutes later, another mom slapped her child's hand for playing with the mail slot in the door. Why? What was wrong with playing with the mail slot? It wasn't dangerous. She wasn't breaking it. It bugs me when people expect their kids to sit in chairs with their hands folded.

[wemoon]

Thank you for this thread. I am mostly a lurker, and generally lurk when I feel like I am getting out of control, it helps me regain my focus. I am going nuts right now with my children, alot of things are going on in our lives. Their dad had to go to another state for work and will be gone at least 6 weeks, and I do work at home, so we are feeling trapped inside of my itty bitty apartment. The kids are bouncing off the walls, and I have no break from it. I have found myself doing many of the things listed here, and it is really frustrating me, cause I know that it doesn't work, it only hurts me and the kids and gets us no where. I love coming here when my emotions start getting out of control, cause you ladies are so wise with your gentle discipline. Thanks for being here!

[journeymom]

Celestial, I totally agree with you in regards to monkeysmommy's specific examples.

But momkeysmommy, I'm right there with you in general. Sometimes parents hover and micromanage their children.

The technique that bugs me most is probably the most extreme version of adult-oriented parenting, like Babywise. I think that rigidly schedueled breastfeeding is so wrong. I nursed ds "on command" for the most part, though I didn't drop every thing to stop and nurse him all the time. If I was folding laundrey I might finish the towels and then nurse him. But a woman at ds's preschool is pregnant and is already boasting about how this child will be nursed on her scheduel, not the baby's. No way that kid's gonna mess up her life.

[monkeysmommy]

The mail slot was in the door, but the door was being held open with a hook thingy so the child was not in danger of being hit with the door. It was really flimsy, I don't think anyone could have gotten their fingers stuck in it.

I can see your point about the germs on the floor, but the floor there is this huge carpeted thing with all these bright patterns and shapes and characters. It is meant to be played on. There was no one anywhere near the child that could have sat on the chair she was playing under.

I guess it wouldn't have bugged me so much that the parents in question hadn't allowed their toddlers to do those things if they had dealt with it gently. The one mom who didn't want her child on the floor kept saying, "I SAID get up off that floor" and shoving her very forcefully into a chair without even offering her any alternative activity. Same with the other mom- she didn't offer the child anything else to do, just kept saying no no no, until she finally got up and smacked her hand!

[Lil'M]

Well, I say "use your words," which I feel is a very gentle discipline way of dealing with my girls' whining and screaming. When they are fighting, that phrase often helps them work it out by talking, which I think is great for a 6 yr old and 2 1/2 yr old.

One big pet peeve I have is parents who feel it is necessary to lie to their kids to get them to cooperate. For example, I was at the mall with dd #2 and a friend and her daughter and we had to leave to go get my dd#1 from school. My friend starts saying "we have to leave, all the stores are closing" Why did she lie? I told dd that we had to go pick up her sister.

IMHO, you just can't build trust and respect with your kids by lying to them!

[shanleysmama]

CIO and spanking/violence. Also people who do things in the name of "we all want what's best for our kids" when really they want what is easy/convenient for *them*, not what is best for the kids.
Why do people think it's OK to hit their kids, but if they hit a neighbor/spouse/stranger they get arrested? Also a mom on another board told of using ear-plugs while letting her kids CIO, because *her* sleep is so important her kids have to know what night time is for! But it "worked" for her kids, so she was advocating it. UGH!
We were at DS's eye doc last week, and a Mom was there with her DS and the Grandma. Grandma was watching the kid (just over 1) while mom pretty much ignored him. Then the Dad came in, and started calling the kid a brat and a monster cuz he wouldn't sit still, and said the son was acting bad cuz he needed a nap. So he picked him up and shoved him in a chair and said "if you're going to be a brat you're going to sit still." When the son wiggled, the dad picked him up and took him outside - in a very angry huff, I was scared watching it all happen. The anger in that Dad's face was scary. Grandma jumped up and peeked out the window, but I guess their car was on the side of the building. The poor boy was just bored sitting in the tiny waiting room and gets the anger of his father upon him. The boy was also playing in the mail slot and I told him he'd get an "owie", but the slot was in the door and if someone opened the door his hands would have been pulled outward with the door. It was just a sad scene all around.

Melanie

[z-girl]

Lula and LilM,

I didn't mean to offend about the "Use Your Words" thing. I'm sure that it can be used kindly and effectively; I'm just picturing the patronizing, dismissive, I-won't-listen-to-you-unless-you-can-get-ahold-of yourself tone. I hear that tone so often with those words that I just say the same idea, but with different words, like, "Let's think about what you could say with words that might help..." DD is only 2 so I often need to help her come up with ideas of what to say.

I like this thread! Interesting stuff!

[oceanbaby]

Lil'M - that's what I was going to say, lying. It really bugs me when people lie to little kids. I'm not talking about stuff like Santa Clause, even though yes that is technically lying, but like the example you gave. At my inlaw's house one time they had a box of chocolates out that we were eating from. I let ds have 2, and then told him we couldn't have anymore because it wasn't good to have too much sugar, and I put the box away. He was kind of asking for some more, but not anything bad, and my SIL and FIL started telling him over and over that there were no more chocolates left, that they'd all been eaten. I was thinking, he saw the box, do you think he's stupid? That's what I don't get - don't they know that kids usually know that you're lying? They can tell the stores are still open. And I just believe it is so critical to lay a foundation of trust between parent and child.

The other thing that bothers me is emotional blackmail - give me a kiss or I'll be sad, grandma's going to cry if you don't let her hold you, etc. etc. I can't stand that!

[Eggie]

Almost everything has been mentioned, I hope I wont repit too much:

The spanking/violence... even the shouting. Not happened to dd and will never but I hate to see it for other kids. Today I listened a mom who said "If you don't shut up I will hit you"... I was furious.

The emotional blackmail is awful, when MIL tells my dd, who is only 4 months but anyway, "Oh, I haven't seen you for so long (15 days) and for sure you have forgotten me" or "You are crying because you don't love me".

The TV situation also gets me SO mad...

To put the bottle on her mouth every time she cries, gosh, you can check her diaper first or lots of things before.

To use sprays or something chemical around the baby... lots of people don't even realize the danger of this.

To use their saliva to arrange their hair

To say "you need to eat more, to sleep more, to what ever more"... what a lack of respect for the baby!

To use baby powder on babies and clap first with it close to her nose so the powder can stick to your hands

To brag about the baby being so good and well behaved (yes, at 4 months) because she sleeps in restaurants or public places.

To keep the babies dirty, with so much drooling on their clothes or dirty noses.

To let the diapers wet, not cloth ones, until they are soaked because will help them save money.

To tell a baby how stinky is their dodoo. Or commentaries like "Oh, you got for me a big and smelly surpise again?"

It's late , I cannot think of any other one but for sure I have a big list hided in my brain, lol.

[delighted.mama]

NOW, I remember all of the other things that bother me.....it's all the other stuff that you listed! The "lying" stuff really bothers me, even if it is a small lie. I forgot about that one in my OP. Also, the "scare tactics" That's a total pet peeve. I have repeatedly told my mom and grandma NOT to use scare tactics with DD when they want her to do something. I have to admit that a couple of times I tried it (just to get dd to do something without throwing a total fit) and I felt so bad about it afterwards. I decided that I was not going to make up ridiculous scare tactics or make false promises just to get dd to do something. You are all right - it is a breach of respect and a betrayal of trust. It's nice to see that other mommy's are bothered by some of the same stuff. I don't feel like some uptight freak!!