Non-AP parenting techiques that bug you - Page 5

[hipumpkins]

My sister's neighbor has 4 children. The baby is around 1 and the mom oftenrefers to her as that little F****in B****. The older kids spend a lot time at my sister'house b/c they told her that their mom doesn't like kids. When the one daughter spilled some water on my siter's floor she got very very upset. My sister told her not to worry it was jsust water. Then she saw why the little girl was so upset. On antoher occasion at the neighbor's house the little girl couldn't get the spout clsed on the water dispenser and she was screamed at and sent to stand in the corner. My sister actually spoke up and said, "tell her she can get out of the corner"
I think about those poor kids often and that is the parenting "technique" that really upsets me the most. I will be witness to it when we go to Florida this summer and am not sure if I should be around her so she can see other ways to aprent or keep my DD (Who will be around 21 mos when we go) as far away as possible.

[Leonor]

Why does a woman that doesn't like kids has 4?

[Suzetta]

Originally posted by boomingranny
Pet Peeves:

judging and criticizing other parent's choices because they're "not AP"

Labeling parenting styles

Parenting fads

the fine art of competitive parenting

[pamelamama]

oh fade away thread... just fade away... nothing to see here... move along....

[JessicaSpalding]

CIO and spanking/violence. Also people who do things in the name of "we all want what's best for our kids" when really they want what is easy/convenient for *them*, not what is best for the kids.

I have been thinking alot about this lately. There are so many times when AP is soooo hard for me, like when I am breastfeeding DD for hours, etc. But I could never let her CIO! Today I was at the park, and I overheard a mother who has a 2+ year old and a 4 mo old, and she was talking about CIO with her first baby, and how "it went against everything she was studying in school about child development and attachment theory (hello?) and it was the hardest thing she ever did and it tore her heart out and she cried too evernight that he was crying" blah blah. If well educated, generally intelligent sensitive people KNOW this, why do they do these things? Because it's not convenient or easy.

Another thing that bugs me is parents not believing that baby's and children have emotional needs. My SIL said that her DS (13 mo at the time) was crying and crying and she went in to check on him and he didn't need a diaper, he wasn't cold and he wasn't hungry, he just wanted back into the parent's bed for a snuggle. She said "he was just trying to manipulate me!"

oh well.

[bananasmom]

If well educated, generally intelligent sensitive people KNOW this, why do they do these things?

I think the answer is different for some people. I think that many new moms have pressure from family and friends to get their baby to sleep through the night. I think that the prevalance of formula use has a lot to do with this as well. The longer sleep periods and less frequent feedings of the ff'ing mom effects the expectations of the bf'ing mama. Additionally, bottle-feeding does not lend itself to co-sleeping or comforting in the way that nursing does, and many find themselves considering alternatives.

(some are just lazy, but I think there is more to the story)

~~~

As for me, my parenting experiences thus far have not gone according to what I have planned. From the outside, I must look lazy or weak to some, but I'm not. So, I am more prone to give the benefit of the doubt, when I see mainstream-ish parenting, particularly if I only see a tiny bit of the parenting.

For the most part, these are the things that I find myself questioning:

Starting solids before the 4-6 month window.
Feeding junkfood to babies.
Allowing a baby to cry, uncomforted, while the parent shops or eats.
Bottle-propping.

[griffin2004]

Originally posted by bananasmom
Additionally, bottle-feeding does not lend itself to co-sleeping or comforting in the way that nursing does, and many find themselves considering alternatives.
(some are just lazy, but I think there is more to the story)
~~~
Career? Schameer!

And just when I thought I might be getting semi-adequate at this AP mothering stuff!

On behalf of bottle-feeding, career moms everywhere, may we PRETTY PLEASE play in the AP Doctrinaire Clubhouse if we promise to use the back door, sit our lazy fannies in the corner, and only speak when spoken to? I'll be the one with the scarlet "WOHM" emblazoned on my nonbreastfeeding chest.
Thanks ever so,
--Trish

[bananasmom]

Trish - both of my daughters are/were formula fed. I didn't mean any offense, if you read my post again, I think you'll see that I was tip-toeing in around the issue. I am one of you, and have always felt terribly out of place here.

I myself am considering sleep training my youngest in the future, because of my experiences with my oldest daughter. I think bottlefeeding has been hard to night-time parent, because I can't let her fall asleep with a bottle in her mouth. Not only is it unsafe, it has yielded more gas (requiring picking up, waking up and burping). I'd have gladly co-slept, allowing her to nurse, but I didn't produce enough milk*, and both of my chldren eventually refused my breasts.

I was adamantly against sleep training, and tried my damnest to be a gentle night-time parent with Ana. Things went quite well for the first 10 months. She is not a good self-comforter, and I had no problem holding her and rocking her and doing whatever I could to help her back to sleep. But, as she became more mobile and willful comforting her at night was nearly impossible. By 15 months, she couldn't fall asleep with me or on her own. She would wake 3-6 times a night, and was often inconsolable; she wouldn't let me hold her. We often had to drive her, or allow her to fall asleep watching TV (I am very embarrassed about that - but I did what I had to do). I felt so detached as a parent, and helpless, and I often said to myself "oh, if only she would nurse, and could be comforted like the other babies that I read about at mdc."

As such, she was not getting enough sleep (only about 10 hours/day), and her health suffered. She was miserable. We had another child, when Ana was 18 months old. One night, I could not get to Ana, because I was busy with Marissa. I was fed up, and stressed out, and Ana cried in her crib. For 20 minutes. Then, she fell asleep. That was about 3 or 4 months ago, and practically every night since then, she has fallen asleep shortly after I put her in her bed. She does the same in her nap. She sleeps about 14 hours/ day and is a completely different child. She is healthier and happier. Really, it's like night and day (no pun intended) in terms of her disposition.

Looking back, I really don't think that I was meeting her needs. It may have been unkind to have let her cry herself to sleep. But, I think it was more unkind for me to allow her to become so sick and so miserable, by sticking to ideas that weren't working for her. I actually worry that how she might have suffered, knowing that babies need sleep for proper brain development. As it turned out, she now does very well by herself. I had no idea that she could comfort herself like that, and I still wish she would let me hold her to sleep. But, in her daytime hours, she is quite charming (for a toddler), and I make up for it then.

That's why I say that there is more to every story. Sure, if we know someone well, and we know the story, we probably do understand enough. But, when we overhear someone talking about Ferber or CIO or whatever, we just never know the full story. Just like anyone who sees my bottles (and yours) has no idea that we aren't just lazy.

Again, I didn't mean any offense, I was just very hesitant to post my whole thing here, for fear of the flames. Oh well, I zipped up my suit, ready for the heat.

* before anyone jumps on that, I have seen many IBCLCs, and have been diagnosed with hypoplastic (insufficient glandular tissue) breasts and never produced more than 1/4 of dd's needs.

[maemaesmama]

Come on now!!!!

I am new to this whole "letting other people judge me cociously thing" But, I just want to say.... I think it is healthy to admit to yourself your are not superhuman! AP has high standards that I try my very hardest to meet everydayI tandem nurse, CS, don't spank, give extra kisses!, however.... I am dealing with my own personal issues while raising my children. I just had to leave there father for reasons totally out of my control. Icry myself to sleep every night, and it is all I can do not to cry all day. I have had to uproot our family, figure out a means of support, edu..ect, move back in with my parents (who say I am not firm enough), and be grateful for what I have!!! My point is you never know what one single mama is trying to take on, Sometimes it looks great on the outside, but LIFE CAN BE TRYING. This is OK It has been said that a wise man welcomes pain for from pain comes wisdom. We are going to have days that we do not do it PERFECT! Lets get back to reality, and try to support one another more openly. Really I think as long as our children know they are loved, and respected. We can make mistakes! We need each other for guidance, and encouragment, not judgment, and harsh criticisms. Come on mamas I know you are not all flawless. Oh yeah, and one more little thing that bothers me Three kiddos is not 1 or 2!!!!! It is just not the same. Often I see mamas with one baby or two children talking about they would do it so perfectly well you know what I'll believe it when I see it. Everyone has room for growth. I hope this has not offended anyone. I am new around here, and do not want to allienate anyone. Somebody had to say it.

[KermitMissesJim]

[QUOTE]To tell a baby how stinky is their dodoo. Or commentaries like "Oh, you got for me a big and smelly surpise again?"[QUOTE]

Ok, that one made me laugh, because poop does smell--no way around it. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't. Plus, both of my kids, when I would wrinkle my nose and say, "ooh, stinky!" would laugh with delight. They loved the face.

Interesting thread. The best part is seeing why each of us made certain choices that seem to be on this pet peeve list.

E.G., I use "one, two, three" and ds knows that a time-out or me picking him up and removing him is the end result, because we've discussed it.

Also, I sleep-train my kids because *I* need to, period. I am beyond intolerable when I don't get enough sleep! I'd rather sleep-train them for a couple of weeks at a very early age than spend a year so tired I lose my temper almost daily, no matter how hard I try to control myself.

Of course, I really doubt I am an AP or a GD parent. The GD way makes me leery because it walks the line of NOT disciplining, which is a nationwide catastrophe.

Thanks for the thoughts.

[pamelamama]

Originally posted by KermitMissesJim

Of course, I really doubt I am an AP or a GD parent. The GD way makes me leery because it walks the line of NOT disciplining, which is a nationwide catastrophe.

Hmmm I will respectfully submit that for most of us who hang out here in the Gentle Discipline forum , <pointing to name of forum> there is quite a difference between GD and No D. That's why we don't call it the No Discipline Forum. :LOL Stick around, and please don't use this thread as a yardstick.

It's a rough thread.

[pamelamama]

Please can we just let this thread die already.

[memory maker]

I hate it when people talk about their children in front of them, like they cant hear them. my DH's sister was telling my mom about my nephews reading problem, how his girlfriend broke up with him etc. My nephew was right in the room!!

I also hate it when I am walking through the grocery store and there is a crying baby in their carseat and the mother continues through the store while the baby screams. She didnt even look into the carseat to see what was wrong with him.

[Marsupialmom]

There are places for various things you ladies complained about.

Praising: Yes you can hurt your kids by over doing in and giving false praise but if your kids don’t know that you are PROUD of them then they can be hurt also. I know, I was never told good job or way to go. There are times I do go Good job and Way to go but I also say something along the lines of “You must feel proud of yourself for ~~~~~, I know I sure am. You worked hard to ~~~~~~~.” Or “I can see how proud you are by your face.”

Bribing/rewards/and good job: My dd was born with a birth defect and we have had many test and hospital visits. We don’t lie about something being uncomfortable. We tell her it is ok to cry and/or other acceptable behavior. It is ok to be scared. Yes, we have bribed her to be brave and “BE” still. Hugs and kisses sometimes only go so far and it has helped us give her incentive to be as still as possible. She knows if she does not do it she won’t get the reward. There has been times talking about the bribe MENTALLY helps her make it through and past the pain and nerves of what is about to happen or happening. We talk have talked her through procedures and her feelings. We acknowledge pain cries and screams. It is hard to look at your baby and say “I know sweetie, it hurts just be still.” “You are doing so good at being still.” “Way to go. I know that was so hard for you.”

Some times these bribery and praises are very needed and very healing, for you and the child.

My dd has speech and hearing problems. So yes I say “Use your words”. She knows them, just does not always want to use them.

[maemaesmama]

OK I do have one thing that gets my really upset. SMOKING in the car with the babes in the back I really do HATE that!

[simple gifts]

For all of you that mentioned difficulty in APing children past the baby stage, Isabelle Fox has a new book out called Growing Up: Attachment Parenting From Kindergarten To College.

I received a notice from APInternational when it came out. It's very good.

[aravinda]

"good girl"

well this may sound strange, but i actually cringe when people say "good girl" to dd (9 mo). i think that mainly it is because she is by default "good" and not because she didn't cry or slept well, etc.
also i think i just have a negative connotation associated with the concept of the "good girl" that maybe is just something i have to get over but i myself dont think i coudl ever use the phrase as a term of praise. probably i would prefer to describe whatever it was she did, "oh you colored so nicely" -- rather than make her feel that if she hadn't done that she might not have been good -- i mean my comment should not reflect on her character but more my ability to appreciate (like the way we appreciate art).

of course i never say this outloud because i am sure folks would roll their eyes and such (i seem to be a prime target for people thinking that i know nothing or in their words "don't let anyone do anything" or "think too much"). same thing goes for tv, junk food (or at this point, almost any food) ...
aravinda

[bananasmom]

aravinda - I know exactly what you mean. DH used to say that ALL THE TIME, but he has been working really hard to be more specific with his praise ("You drew a blue circle that is really very nice and round"). IMO, I think many people just don't think about it and/or don't realize the power of their words. I learned to do that as a teacher, but dh had to learn to do it.

[kamilla626]

I'm also annoyed and even outraged by the issues that people have mentioned here...

However, I'm also a little irked that these were brought up as "non-AP techniques". I don't consider what I do AP: my daughter sleeps in a crib, goes to daycare, I don't (can't) breastfeed any longer....

But I certainly don't agree with CIO, spanking, expecting kids to be still and quiet, fitting the baby into my "schedule" etc...

Do people really feel that if you're not AP-ing, then you're doing all those awful things?? I don't think it's quite that black & white.