Breastfeeding toddlers and Montessori

[peacenclarity]

Hi all. I have practiced attachment parenting with my 20 month old since birth. We still co-sleep and breastfeed on demand (in addition to providing her with a good varied diet, of course). My question is if I should, at all, be concerned that by continuing such practices, if I could possibly be creating an unhealthy sense of dependency, therefor hindering her developmental growth, in any way.

As an attached parent (acting solely on my instincts), my goal has always been to raise a happy, healthy, well- adjusted, confident child who gains by having her needs met, and feels worthy of such love, which, hopefully, in turn would increase her self- esteem, and provide her with a strong sense of self. At the same time, I have also made sure to give her every opportunity to do things for herself that she should desire to want to learn to do, for instance, get on and off the bed herself, choose clothing, dress herself, get her own toys (which are all accessible) and put the toys away, etc.. However, it is also true that she can be very clingy, (or as one would say, *attached*) at times, but she is also an INCREDIBLY social, and outgoing little girl and is quite capable in every sense of the word. For example, she uses a stepping stool to wash her hands, feeds and pours the food and water for our dog, sometimes helps me to cook dinner (by seasoning, pouring, etc.), and just recently she began potty training, going to the bathroom on her own when she has to go without even giving notice to anyone, and pouring it out, afterwards, into the toilet herself. She is more interested in doing things independently, rather than having it done for her. However, while she is independent in many ways, she is often, what one would say, clingy at home, wanting me to engage in play with her most of the time and is especially so, if I am attempting to do something like cook, or clean (although, I often engage in play with her, anyway, since she does not watch any TV at home, which could be part of the reason, since she does not have a "built in babysitter" to tend to such needs, and I also enjoy playing with her). However, she is not AT ALL like this when we are out and about at the park. She runs about freely, and confidently on her own "making friends," and climbing all the equipment with no assistance needed at all from mama. However, her most DIRE dependency upon me is that she is still VERY dependent upon me for milk, and I feel, maybe even moreso, for the comfort it provides her. We still nurse to sleep every night, and she also nurses off and on through the night, and when she wakes, which, I am fine with, other than the fact that (in, especially, considering the M philosophy, which I also have an appreciation for) I have concerns about how it may be effecting her emotional development, especially as she will soon be turning 2, and considering continuing until she is 3, or rather is ready and able to self- wean. Which, I don't know right now how such a thing will even occur, as I don't see her self-weaning anytime soon.

When I think about ALL of the benefits she has continued to receive from my breastmilk (including the many nurturing components) I am comforted and feel a sense of accomplishment in having successfully breastfed her as long as I have and find it difficult to ever imagine weaning her against her will. I know it would be a heartwrenching transition, and, I feel, not a healthy one for her mental development. However, I, sometimes, have mixed feelings about what outcome such a dependency may have, and wonder how, as a parent who is attempting to foster independent growth, I can prevent it from becoming an even greater issue as she gets older.

Are there any nursing moms of toddlers out there who practice AP and also believe in the benefits of the Montessori approach to parenting? What methods have you taken to forge the two worlds of attachment parenting practices, and helping to foster healthy independent growth development in your little ones? Could I be causing possible harm by fostering such a dependency, or, as I have intended, by having met her emotional/nurturing/physical needs in such ways, am I helping to increase her self- confidence by providing her with the reassurance that has allowed her to feel so secure in herself? And, how can I ease the transition from such AP practices, without making her loose her *power* in a sense, and still allow her to remain confident, when removing something from her realm of security that has become such a great comfort and provided her with a better sense of self worth (by feeding on demand, not allowing her to cry it out, etc.? We have never had a lovey, for example, or a favorite toy/blanket/doll/pacifier/ bottle, she could not live without. For her, I am it. She is so confident in every other way, I can't help but feel I have done the right thing so far, just how to make that transition and not make her loose her sense of self, and the power of choice that she has been given, is my dilemma.

Sorry so long, it's hard to sum up such an emotional issue.

Thanks so much mama's.

[supervee]

Yes. I'll be back to elaborate.

ETA: or maybe not. I think everything has been said. I'll just add that I don't think breastfeeding is a dependency, but a need filled. I don't think M is against meeting needs.

[lionbirdmommy]

You described my son pefectly at that age!

He is now nearing 4. I will be back tonight to tell you how he fared through the transition, but let me quickly say that I could have written the exact same letter.
Dad was pushing a bit to wean because while I considered the issues you mentioned, he believed more stongly that I was doing harm by continuing to nurse. We continued to cosleep though.
At nearly 4, he is just now getting into playing by himself, but he has lost the "helpfulness" that he used to exhibit. He used to want to help me do laundry, cook, etc, and now he will likely tell me to do it myself! Independence has pros and cons.
I will tell you how we interacted with our Montessori preschool later when I have more time... I think he was indeed seen as too "clingy" when I was gone due to AP style vs Montessori style. We had some *major* issues around nap-time.
Most of my parenting has been Montessori style self-suffiency, but with me always there to guide and watch. I truly beilieve a child has to feel that all his needs will be met in order to be secure and self-confident.
Sorry- I feel this is a bit of a disjointed response.. I am heading out the door..but I know how it feels to put a message out there and hope for a response by someone who can relate to you, waiting and checking back, hoping you were clear enough, etc... and I just wanted to quickly say I went through the same thing!

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by peacenclarity

Are there any nursing moms of toddlers out there who practice AP and also believe in the benefits of the Montessori approach to parenting? What methods have you taken to forge the two worlds of attachment parenting practices, and helping to foster healthy independent growth development in your little ones? Could I be causing possible harm by fostering such a dependency, or, as I have intended, by having met her emotional/nurturing/physical needs in such ways, am I helping to increase her self- confidence by providing her with the reassurance that has allowed her to feel so secure in herself? And, how can I ease the transition from such AP practices, without making her loose her *power* in a sense, and still allow her to remain confident, when removing something from her realm of security that has become such a great comfort and provided her with a better sense of self worth (by feeding on demand, not allowing her to cry it out, etc.? We have never had a lovey, for example, or a favorite toy/blanket/doll/pacifier/ bottle, she could not live without. For her, I am it. She is so confident in every other way, I can't help but feel I have done the right thing so far, just how to make that transition and not make her loose her sense of self, and the power of choice that she has been given, is my dilemma.

Sorry so long, it's hard to sum up such an emotional issue.

Thanks so much mama's.

Maybe I didn't get either handbook but I don't see M and AP as counter-philosophies. I think a child has BOTH needs. The need for security and connection, and the need for exploration and independence.

For me Montessori is not to CAUSE independence but to recognize the natural drive of the child towards managing his/her own exploration of the world. I don't know what "Montessori parenting" is 'cause we never have really tried it. But just observing my son in our regular home, he really was drawn towards helping me (got him a little broom and his own dust rag), playing in the sink (got him a stool), hanging up his stuff sometimes (got him pegs), etc. Sure, I helped teach him the steps because - he's a toddler! Teaching is part of life!

But I never really had the goal that he had to be able to do X for himself. As it turned out, he did. Sometimes. Sometimes he just wants me to do it. That's fine; I don't really think he will be asking me to fill his cup for him at 20 if I do it half the time now. (The other half of the time, well if I get in the way, there are big stories!!)

All that led me to think that Montessori was seeing the same thing, just coming at it from the other side.

I don't think the equal need to connect, the desire to nurse for comfort, or being worn, held, or allowed to "be a baby" (what a stupid phrase but I couldn't come up with a better one on the fly) sometimes is even wrong in Montessori. Montessori as *I* understand it is fine if a child wants to go "backwards" and go back to previously mastered activities, etc.

In terms of school/daycare, I understand it as the activities are there to support the natural learning drive in the child. And because it's a school/daycare, obviously the staff there will be promoting that and guiding the kids because in a group of kids, you want them to have something to do other than errr... "exploring each other." I really like the idea of the child being able to pursue things independently and not be forced into group activities all day (a little bit is fine). And I liked the practical life stuff for the reasons above.

At the end of the day though, if the staff were not caring and warm (I don't mean falsely praising, etc., just present and warm) I wouldn't go with that Montessori. Maybe that's where the AP in me really comes out.

For nursing, naps, comfort, etc.... well my son is almost 2.5, has been in Montessori, for about 6 months and we nurse still and cosleep all night. At school he pours his own drink and drinks from an open cup. It's not all or nothing, in my experience. The Dreaded Naps worked out fine - he cried, so the staff held him, and in the first couple of weeks there were two days that he didn't nap and fell asleep in the car on the way home and that was a bit lousy. But there was no punitive sense about it. He was just perceived as learning a new nap routine - not that his old one was "wrong". He gradually learned to go along with the group - at his own speed - and now he is napping the same as the other kids.

On weekends he still nurses to nap. Every time. The idea that he would just go lie down and sleep (like at school) is CRAZY TALK here. That's fine. I don't do the same things at work and at home either.

The transition was a transition for sure, but the staff were more than happy to hold him, hug him, and respect his need for connection. It has become pretty seamless. They have never asked about breastfeeding or commented on our parenting at all, because they just see a child who needs hugs and loves school.

I hope this isn't preachy. What specifically are you worried you're missing?

[wrzos]

My ds sort of self-weaned around 23 months. Mostly b/c I was 6 months pregnant at the time, so it wasn't a true self-wean, I was doing the don't offer don't refuse method of weaning.... Anyway, he started M school this fall and I have to say I don't think he is clingy or in any way less independent for all our extended bf-ing. In fact, I happen to think that it was his security in our nursing relationship that afforded him the ability to be so darn independent in other areas of his development. Nursing and mom were a constant, kwim?

I'm not being clear b/c I'm in a rush, but I have to say that like the PP, I don't see M school and extended bf-ing as opposite ends of a spectrum.

[WelshMamma]

I am not familiar with the current concept of AP. I remember following a similar approach 23 years ago when my first son was born. Three more children followed and they are now 20, 17 and 12. I homeschooled them all and did try to take a Montessori approach to encourage independence. I also don't see too much conflict between the two concepts. AP is to build a foundation of love and security, and M is to help the child when he pushes off from that foundation. I think the key is letting the child decide when he feels secure enough to let go.

That said, I have to mention that I always regretted nursing ds #1 to sleep, because he was unable to fall asleep without me. When I have dd#1 I taught her to fall asleep w/o the breast, and fed her when she woke up. I guess I wasn't totally AP. I did have my limits and felt it was not in the childrens' best interest to let them have their way all the time. I let them cry sometimes and would firmly tell them NO sometimes. Or would just ignore them sometimes if I felt that their true needs were not quite as pressing as they seemed to think.

But the co-sleeping and the long bfing period were hard for some folks to accept. Not that everyone knew. I did decide when that last baby was 4 years old that he could do without the breast any longer. He was bummed the last few times I told him no more, but he did okay after that. At that point he was nursing only out of habit, I think.

Your daughter seems pretty healthy, and I'd say if she has a firm love foundation in you she will not have a problem pushing off from that, and of course will come back repeatedly, two steps away from Mom, one step back, if you know what I mean. Testing and then moving away, and coming back and testing again. She'll come back less often and perhaps for other things. My 17 yo dd is still coming back to me for love and comfort, but of course it is expressed differently now. She knows I am always here for her.

[lionbirdmommy]

to continue a bit...

When my son went to school he was tired from the transition to an earlier wake-up time and a long school day and he was ready to nap and needed to. The M teacher gave him a book to look at, but he is an early reader and said "I can't read this!" The teacher told him to just look at the pictures. He said "but I can't read this myself!" and was crying. He didnt want to look at pictures-- I know he wanted to be read a story, have his back rubbed and fall asleep. The teacher told me she "detatched" from him. He cried himself to sleep for the first time in his life.
Maybe this was just a bad fit, but I got the distinct impression that the M teachers expected more independence from their students. I pulled him out of school in favor of one that was closer to me (5 minutes away) and a 3 hour day, even though it was not Montessori, but a hodgepodge run out of the teacher's home. She is a warm and nurturing type.
There have been times I wished he could have gone to sleep on his own earlier-- but he learned to do that in stages. He used to nurse to sleep, but I told him we would need to stop soon, that I would run out of boo milk, and let him pick the date to have a Weaning Party, let him pick out a nice big toy, and told him after this, no more "boo". He was old enough to understand and old enough to tell me he missed the boo once or twice, and I said I did too, but we could still cuddle anytime he wanted. He never cried for the boo.
The sadness passed pretty quickly when he still got hugs and cuddles and love. Sleeping the first few nights was hard, but I have him backrubs all night until he fell asleep. I did this for a long time until he started telling me he didnt want them anymore (though occasionally he tells me he does) . He still has a hard time falling asleep, but I read him two stories, he brushes his teeth, I usually read him a third, and I tell him I am going to sleep now, and he needs to too, I secure the gate so he cant head downstairs, and I go to sleep next to him (Daddy is already asleep- he wakes up early) and we generally fall asleep at about the same time. He rolls away from me and falls asleep on his own now. He doesn't nap though. I don't think he really knows how to nap by himself unless its in his carseat. We had some really big dental problems-- which also added to the push to stop night nursing. He was about 3 1/4.
I think the important part is to follow her lead on most things-- encourage her natural independence.
Interestingly, he never had a lovey either-- just me. Now he has a stuffed toy he likes to cuddle with at night that he just got for Christmas. I think reading stories with children sleeping in their own beds with a stuffed animal is seeping into his subconscious and he is preparing for a move out ot the big bed by bringing Knuffle Bunny into it with us.
I think creating bridges from one transition to the next is helpful... and she may do it on her own without you realizing it, like he is doing now. I think big things like weaning and sleeping alone and spending time away from Mommy need to be done in stages with assurance that the main thing-- your love and touch-- will always be there. I don't believe in cold turkey. I am convinced nothing AP does emotional harm as long as you are not clinging on to something for your own benefit. If your child still wants to do it, I think she needs it at some level. I think you need to respect a child's own pace- pushing causes backsliding. But if *you* dont want to do it you need to respect that too- don't get resentful. I was wanting to stop nursing when he was playing while nursing-- it was not comfort or food, it was too much like playtime with my body. That bugged me. Plus I needed to stop night nursing for his teeth. (if you do night nurse, drinking water afterwards rinses the milk away and will prevent the cavities, but he was falling asleep with a mouthfull of milk)!
She sounds very happy and secure-- keep up the good work, Mommy!

[lionbirdmommy]

Weaning Party

Just wanted to clarify-- we started with don't offer milk but don't refuse, then I started explaining how my supply was not infinite and would end someday but I would still hold him, just there would be no milk to eat. The I would really talk up the weaning party and made a paper chain counting down to it, and asked him what special present he would like (he picked a roundhouse for his train table) and marked the day on the calendar. I think he maintained a sense of power and control by being active in picking out the day and it became a celebration for him growing up. There were only two kinda rough nights.

[Melda]

My dd nursed for 3 years. She started M school at 2 so she was there a year while nursing. Several moms in our school still nurse their 3, 4, 5 + children. It is not onheard of ...

[OnTheBrink]

My daughter started M at 3y4m and weaned at 3y10m. It all worked out perfectly fine! She wasn't the only one nursing in her class, either.

My son will wean in April (if all goes as we plan) at 3y7m and start M in August, at 3y11m.

I think anything that follows the lead of the child while respecting the needs of others in the community (family, class, whatever) is beneficial.

[fizzymom]

My DD is 4 3/4 years old and has been in montessori since 2 1/2. She still nurses at night, when she doesn't feel well or whenever she needs to (which has been less often recently). She is very independent and has a very strong sense of order. I don't think anyone would classify her as a "dependent" child.

Frankly, I can't think of anything MORE montessori. Montessori is about following the child. When she is ready to move on in this area, she will - just as she has in every other area.