What to do when dd says "no"...

[chelsmm]

So lately when I say to dd (27 months) something like....

"I see you are finished with your crayons. Please put them back in the box" She just says "no". I'll then say- "Would you like me to help you?" Then I get an "I don't want to put my crayons in the box". Then she'll start to take something else out to play with.

In the playroom it's not a big deal if she takes a few things out, however, in the kitchen (which is where she likes to play if I'm in there), I only want one thing out at a time. With the baby's stuff and her stuff, there's just no room. So, two issues....or maybe three....

1. What's the deal with her saying no, and how do I respond?

2. How can I get her to help clean up her own stuff? (or is she too little, and if so, when is she old enough!?)

3. Am I creating a bad habit by letting her make a mess of the playroom and then picking it up without her help?


Thanks...

[nathansmum]

Well fwiw, I favour the approach of actively asking for help (as in, direct and clear). However, I don't expect that they *will* help, but I expect that they will someday help if that makes sense lol. So I might announce that I'd like to tidy up the lounge now and could I please have some help. I just go ahead and get down and tidy it (I do think it's important to model tidying in front of the kids rather than waiting for nap or bedtime), casually ask for someone to pass me something in the way that they're helping me rather than me expecting them to tidy up. Not sure if you can see the difference in the way that would work. For us it isn't so much about having rules around tidying (or any other chores for that matter) - but just figuring ways we as a family contribute to the house and the things that need doing.

My dd (2.75) often says no, so I go ahead and do it anyway, ds who is 4.5 has had this approach given to him for the past 2yrs and in the last year I have seen him being more and more active in helping out and even initiating tidying himself. I don't really have expectations that they must tidy up straight after playing - I guess I don't tidy up after myself straight away either, so that's just the way our family works. We only do one tidy up at the end of the day (or if expecting visitors) - mostly by me, but the kids usually help out in one shape or form. This approach is definitely starting to pay off and just this morning I asked the kids to pick up a bunch of board games that had been dumped out on the floor while I had a shower (we were expecting visitors) - I returned 10mins later and the entire room was clear, both kids were racing around tidying every single thing off the floor in every room lol. So while they don't do that daily, it doesn't matter to me coz they are still learning about times to tidy and why it's important at certain times (important to me at least ). I casually talk about why I tidy (it's nice to have a tidy house for our visitors or it's nice to pick up our things at the end of the day etc). I feel too that this models generosity in helping each other out - I tidy after them, and they tidy after me - it's contributing to the family and household as a whole.

As far as her saying no, I guess my approach would probably mean I wouldn't ask a question that was going to get a no type of answer. I'd just present/state the information and why it was required to be done and muck in and do it with the expecation that they would eventually help or pitch in in some form.

HTH

[chelsmm]

Thanks,

As far as her saying no, I guess my approach would probably mean I wouldn't ask a question that was going to get a no type of answer. I'd just present/state the information and why it was required to be done and muck in and do it with the expecation that they would eventually help or pitch in in some form.

The thing is, I don't ask a question at all! I learned that early on. I will say "Please do (whatever it is that needs to be done)". It's really a statement, and it doesn't even require an answer! And I still get a "no". I do like your idea of getting started and asking her to hand me something, etc. And I do model the behavior I want, I guess at 27 months, I am expecting too much.

Thank you,
Chelsea.

[kindergirl77]

Originally Posted by chelsmm

Thanks,



The thing is, I don't ask a question at all! I learned that early on. I will say "Please do (whatever it is that needs to be done)". It's really a statement, and it doesn't even require an answer! And I still get a "no". I do like your idea of getting started and asking her to hand me something, etc. And I do model the behavior I want, I guess at 27 months, I am expecting too much.

Thank you,
Chelsea.

The 'No' is completely developmentally approapriate behavior, she is showing her autonomy, although it may not be 'approapriate' to us!

The way you are telling her your 'statement' seems to leave room for an argument. You are still opening up 'NO' as an option to her by saying 'please' and waiting for her to do it. I usually say, 'Its time to clean up, because....' and tell her whats coming next- then just immediatly start to clean up. If you get her excited about the next thing, then cleaning up is no big deal. Also- be sure you give her a 5 minute warning ahead of time. This is very important to them! "In 5 minutes we are going to clean up and do ___". Setting the timer is usually very helpful. If you talk about whats going to happen next while modeling cleaning up, then she is likely to help you. I would say at this age, you are still mostly doing it for her.

You can also 'race' to make it a game to see how fast she can clean up. Sometimes that works! Just stay positive and don't make it a confrontational ME against YOU thing.

[POPupTheVolume]

Originally Posted by chelsmm

I guess at 27 months, I am expecting too much.

I agree

[chelsmm]

Therese, good points, thanks!

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by kindergirl77

The way you are telling her your 'statement' seems to leave room for an argument. You are still opening up 'NO' as an option to her by saying 'please' and waiting for her to do it.

Also- be sure you give her a 5 minute warning ahead of time. This is very important to them! "In 5 minutes we are going to clean up and do ___". Setting the timer is usually very helpful. If you talk about whats going to happen next while modeling cleaning up, then she is likely to help you. I would say at this age, you are still mostly doing it for her.

You can also 'race' to make it a game to see how fast she can clean up. Sometimes that works! Just stay positive and don't make it a confrontational ME against YOU thing.

I agree that you are leaving her an out to say no. "Please put the crayons in the box" just needs an "ok?" at the end to be an optional thing. I know you aren't saying that, but she is picking up on something.

Have you tried statements of fact? "Crayons go in the box." She may not want to put them in the box, but they do belong there. It is just a small change, but feels a little less like the big person is telling the small person what to do.

I did this with a little boy I used to nanny for before I had kids. He'd leave his coat on the floor when we came in. I would ask him to put his coat on the hook, but he'd say no. Or I don't want to. Or you do it for me. Or later I will. Then I switched to "coats go on the hook". Worked like a charm. It somehow seemed like I was sharing a bit of information with him instead of telling him what to do.

5 minute warning helps too.

[MtBikeLover]

I agree with everything posted above. But also want to add that sometimes if my kids don't clean up, I will ask them "When are you going to pick up the crayons?" They don't have an option not to clean up, but they do have an option when they do it. They might say "When I finish this snack." If they forget to clean up, I would say "Don't forget to pick up the crayons."

ETA - My DD will make a mess on purpose and then try to walk away. She is almost 3 and she knows exactly what she is doing. The other day, she took a big bag of pom poms that her brother was doing crafts with, looked at me with a smile, i told her not to dump it, she gave me another smile and then dumped the whole bag on the floor. In those cases, where she does it on purpose, she has to clean it up right then and there. She will try to run off to make it a game, but I sit down with her in my lap and explain to her that she has to clean it up. She tries to play for awhile and laugh and I will play along with her, but we do sit there until she starts cleaning up. Once she starts, then I join in and help her. That night I made it a game by saying "Don't pick that one up, I'm going to get that one" and she rushed to get as many as she could.

[DevaMajka]

I tried to say "I'd like you to help clean up."
Helping clean up has been mostly optional here. I say 'mostly' because there have been times that I've lost it and insisted or came up with consequences, blah blah blah.

But, for the most part, it's optional. Ds has always been willing to grab a towel for me if I need it, to help with dishes, help vaccuum, etc. I figured it was fair- we helped each other.
Now that he's 3.5, there's more insisting that he help clean up, but he does it willingly. I doubt he'd pick up the whole mess himself, but he helps (and very specific instructions help).
I also sometimes do the "I wanted you to pick up these toys and you didn't. Now I'm going to do it myself." That lights the fire under him, and he's usually there in an instant to help. lol.

eta- ds took it upon himself the other night to put his markers away after he was done with them. He asked me where they went (evidently he forgot where he got them from lol), I told him, and he put them all up, with caps on and everything. I was quite pleased