overattached 3 y/o?

[transylvania_mom]

My ds is constantly attached to me 24/7. I try to do my best to give him my undivided attention; we play trains, play with playdough, colour, etc. for hours, but he still wants more attention. This is not a phase, he's been like this since birth. He is still breastfed and would be nursing all day long if I let him. He doesn't want to do anything with dh, although dh tries very hard and succeeds most of the times to give me 30min breaks once or twice a day. I was working full time until a month ago and he would be all over me the moment I stepped foot in the house. We thought ds would calm down once I stayed at home with him, but it's getting worse. He wants to sit on the same chair, eat from the same plate or nurse all day long. He doesn't want me to speak with my dh, only with him. I can't make a phone call.
Any suggestions?

[pitchfork]

I have heard that clingyness can often be an iron or other mineral deficiency.

[Fuamami]

Maybe it's just taking a little longer than you had thought it would for him to adjust to you being home. It sounds tiring, though. Can you involve him in more of your chores and "grown-up" stuff so that you can at least get something done? Plus, maybe he'd feel more confident if he was helping you in a useful way?

[LynnS6]

I think this may be a combination of personality and still adjusting to new roles. If you just began staying home a month ago, you had the holidays in there that might have been unusual, and so you might not have a whole month to really get used to things.

I go through this a bit every summer when I go from teaching full time to working part-time/not at all. My kids are used to my undivided attention for most of the time when I get home, because that's what they get when I'm working. But I can't do that 24/7.

Some of it may be your son's personality too - some children simply need more attention/interaction than others. My nephew was incapable of playing by himself. From a very young age. He's an extreme extrovert and really gets energy by being with people. My kids are somewhere in the middle. They need interaction, but they also need some time to be off doing their own thing. (Thankfully for me, the introvert who needs time to myself to recharge.)

Things that help:
-Having a routine or a schedule so they know what to expect. It can be flexible, but knowing what's coming really helps the flow of the day. A visual schedule with pictures is often very effective with a younger child. When I'm home, we get up, have breakfast, the kids get a little TV, we go out to the park, we come home for lunch, they're expected to play on their own for a bit while I rest/do e-mail, we run errands if necessary, play together (indoors or out), fix dinner, play after dinner, pajama time, snack time, clean up time, bed time.

-The kitchen timer. I'll often set the timer and say "I'll play school with you until the timer beeps, and then I have to start dinner/do a load of laundry/read the newspaper.." That gives a definite end to the activity and allows me to give my full attention to the activity, knowing I'm not stuck being a student for the next 3 hours.

I also use the timer to let me kids know when I'll be ready to play with them again (though that's not as necessary as they get older), and to warn for transitions (we don't transition well in our house).

-If I need more than 20-30 minutes of down time, either I have to leave the house or dh and the kids do. We had some extreme parental favoritism with ds from about age 15 months until 5 or so. Age 2-3 was the hardest because he didn't want daddy to do anything with/for him if I was home. (Ironically, he was home with dad exclusively from 5 mos to 2 1/2, then in daycare 3x a week from 2 1/2 on, and home with dad 2x a week. When I wasn't around, they did fine together. But once I was home, forget it.)

So, dh and ds (and later with dd) developed a routine of outings every other Saturday. That gives me 2-3 hours at home to recharge, read books and putter around the house. It also helps cement their relationship.

[mommy2abigail]

My dd is the SAME way. And I have SAH with her from birth, never left her for more than 2-3 hours once or twice a month. She is just reeeeeeaaaallly attached to me. Climbing, touching, playing with, just constantly needing ME.

We are slowly working on her relationship with dh by having a regular playtime with them when dh gets home. They wrestle in bed, read books and then take a bath together. At first it took a little convincing to get her to go with him, and now she will ask me to call him at work so she can ask him to 'wrastle' in the bed. And their relationship has really benefitted too! I see him being more gentle, patient with her and I see her willing to listen and go along with what he says, whereas before she would automatically resist anything he said.
Another thing I did was buy a kitchen timer, that we set for 10 minutes at a time for 'mommy break' time. She is welcome to sit NEXT TO (but not ont top of) me, or play or whatever she likes, while I crochet, read, or play online.
I don't think there is anything wrong with it, but if it's grating on your nerves, like it was mine, there are ways to slowly change it.

[mummy marja]

My 3 yr old is the same. I have been mostly at home with him (I now work about 12 hours a week) but it has always been the same. He won't walk much except for in the house--he wants me to carry him. If I go downstairs with a load of laundry, he wants me to carry him too. I'm exhausted. He gets upset if I do anything with DD that he is too young to be directly involved in. I'm believing that he will grow out of this. My only strategy is to somehow manage to give him as much as he seems to need while still maintaining my sanity. I'm an introvert and I get easily touched out. I really need time to refuel each day. Some days are harder and I lose patience.

We've had some success with a vitamin D supplement and getting outside to play as much as possible.

[leafylady]

Whatever a child's most annoying qualities are - they will intensify and become unbearable during year 3. Three years old is the most frustrating agonizing age for the parent, possibly the child too.

Your son may always be a Momma's child, but he will get better, slowly. If he is a Momma's boy who checks in with you frequently when he's 16, you will be a very happy Mother. Think about it that way when he's driving you nuts now.

[leafylady]

p.s. My daughter was like this.

Sometimes I just set limits, insisted on a bath to myself or a time out just grocery shopping. She had to stay with her dad even if she did scream the whole time. Dad was, and is, good to her. Now that she's 5, I negotiate these situations so we're both happy- well sort of.

[happyhearts]

My ds is a lot like this too, so I can totally relate. He has always been High Needs. I think I am going to try the timer so I can have some "mommy time." That's a great idea!!!

[rumi]

sounds very 3

i wonder if you can assign your dc some important responsibilities like measuring rice, shelling peas, mixing ingredients. these were favourite tasks for my dd at that age and kept her busy for quite a while. even wiping the floor or washing a few dishes came in handy. i always had to be doing it with her of course but could usually parallel process with other work. point is that she still feels i am with her and at the same time gets redirected into some independent activity.

[transylvania_mom]

Thank you all for your great advice. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.
I think my ds is extrovert and I'm very introvert, that's why it's sometimes so draining to give him constant attention.
It's not that I can't do anything around the house; we live in a small 1 bedroom apt., so there isn't much to do anyway. But I crave for some time for myself, when I can just watch TV for 30 min., or study a little bit (I'm preparing for an exam), but the moment I sit down he's next to me asking me to play with him or nurse him or give him something.
I loved the ideas of a more structured day and a timer, I'll try to put them into practice. I would also try to get out more.
Some days are better than others, especially when dh is at home they can spend some time together or go for a walk. Also, I like the idea of raising a mama's boy and hope he won't change when I am old.
Thanks again.

[msiddiqi]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Things that help:
-Having a routine or a schedule so they know what to expect. It can be flexible, but knowing what's coming really helps the flow of the day. A visual schedule with pictures is often very effective with a younger child. When I'm home, we get up, have breakfast, the kids get a little TV, we go out to the park, we come home for lunch, they're expected to play on their own for a bit while I rest/do e-mail, we run errands if necessary, play together (indoors or out), fix dinner, play after dinner, pajama time, snack time, clean up time, bed time.

-The kitchen timer. I'll often set the timer and say "I'll play school with you until the timer beeps, and then I have to start dinner/do a load of laundry/read the newspaper.." That gives a definite end to the activity and allows me to give my full attention to the activity, knowing I'm not stuck being a student for the next 3 hours.

I also use the timer to let me kids know when I'll be ready to play with them again (though that's not as necessary as they get older), and to warn for transitions (we don't transition well in our house).

nak
wow! awesome ideas. DS does play with others but dh is not home most of the day and ds requires COMPLETE attention. love these ideas