Everything is about winning

[Monica]

Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is about winning for my almost 4 yo ds. He throws a tantrum when I buckle the baby in her carseat first because she won his race to get buckled in. Every interaction he has with another child is about winning, even when we do art projects, he says his is better and he wins! In addition to having to be the winner, he has started to turn to the child that "lost" and tell him he is a loser. He seems to really need to be the best at everyone else's expense. He has never been a good loser but it used to be restricted to competitive games but now if he goes down the slide first he tells everyone on the playground that he is the slide winner. It doesn't even matter if the other kid cares or responds, he just keeps on touting that his is the winner. Does anyone have any experience and/or wisdom about how to guide a child thru this stage. I can't stand listening to him play with other kids. I am totally embarrassed to be out on the playground with him. I spend a lot of time trying to engage him in cooperative play but that doesn't seem to change his attitude. Any ideas?

[SnuggleMom]

In my experience with preschoolers, a lot of them can get just as excited about coming in second or third or even last as they can about winning IF the adults make just as big a deal about it. You know, whoop and holler and high fives all around. They seem to be pleased with having a label that other people are excited about rather than actually being the first to reach something. My two youngest are 7 and 3, so the 7 yo can "win" any race she chooses to declare against her brother (at least for now), but he usually calls out "I lost" just as happily as she calls out "I won." Maybe it would work if you started paying a lot of positive attention to second and third etc.

Have you talked with your son about how other children might feel about being teased? You don't say whether the other kids at the playground seem to be upset by his behavior. If they are, I would point out that it seems to hurt their feelings or make them angry or sad or whatever seems true and take the opportunity for a "teachable moment" about compassion for others. If it is very upsetting to you, I would consider taking him home from the park when the overly-competitive behavior begins. It's okay to send him the message "In our family we don't taunt each other about winning and losing. When I hear you doing that, I will take you home and you can try again another day."

[merpk]

No advice (yet), just empathy ...

We have the same situation with DS#1(5yo), but it's with his sister(3yo), for the most part. Everything is a battle ... who got their chocolate milk first, who washes their hands first, who gets the bedtime book first ...

It's out of control.

Trying to do the "Siblings Without Rivalry" reading this week, gotta get a handle on this. If I come up with something useful, I'll let you know ...