suddenly freaking out about co-sleeping with DS and new baby

[kehliouise]

so i told myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that we were just going to wait until after the birth to sort of decide how best to co-sleep with a toddler and a new baby. i also thought that possibly this baby might want to sleep in a bassinet next to the bed or something like that. ds would never sleep in a bassinet. before he was born i thought that all babies slept in cribs. like you just lay them down and they went to sleep, boy was that a shocker. after one night of him insisting on being right next to me i realized that must be the thing to do and he has slept there ever since. now that he is almost three he will occasionally fall asleep on his own, but most nights he nurses for about five minutes then rolls over and spoons with me for the rest of the night. a month or two ago he expressed that he wanted to cuddle with daddy at night. i thought, "that is great! i'll get him used to sleeping on that side of the bed with daddy." now he doesn't want to have anything to do with daddy at bed time. i don't know if he senses that the new baby is getting ready to come and he wants to be closer to me or something. anyway....in the middle of the night he can get sort of wild in the bed. and by the morning time he is usually sleeping sideways with my dh and i hanging off our sides of the bed. so i'm now thinking that having four in the bed is just not going to work. i have thought about having dh and ds sleep in another bed together for the first few months while i sleep with the baby. but i just worry about ds feeling like he needs to be next to me and then having that spot taken up by his little brother. he also isn't a fully conversational two year old, so it is hard to know how much he understands that i tell him. last night i told him that when the new baby comes he will have to cuddle with daddy at night, because the new baby will need to eat...he was like, "right" but he will pretty much say right to anything, so i don't know. i just wanted to get this worry off my chest. if anyone has already had to deal with this situation before or is also trying to figure out what to do suggestions would be great.

[Surfacing]

I am also trying to figure out what to do here since my 2.5 y.o. dd sleeps in our bed. Our situation is a little different in that dh sleeps in another room lately because of my snoring that just started during pregnancy. We had also transitioned her to her own twin sized bed several months ago (also in our room) where she would start the night, then join us in the wee hours. Now that dh is gone she choses the family bed FT. I figure that when the newborn comes, I will sleep in another room with the newborn while things normalize, then we'll see.

Some ideas I've seen in the sleep forum:
(a) sleep order - [wall] dh / newborn / mother / older child [bed rail]
(b) sleep order - dh / older child / mother / newborn in sidecar
(c) inviting the older one to sleep in a tent or sleeping bag beside the big bed
(d) putting the older child in their own bed and pushing it up right beside the big bed

A friend of mine slept on a futon in her newborn's room for a year while she breastfed and then returned to her usual bed. There are so many possibilities.These are some ideas. I hope you find something that works for you.

[kehliouise]

those are good suggestions. we are probably going to have to rearrange some furniture. we live right now in a furnished apartment, so we didn't arrange any of it in the first place. the bed is king sized but both sides are open so we would have to figure out if there is a way to push the bed against one of the walls. it is also hard to find a bed rail that fits a king size bed. at least i haven't seen one at any of the stores i have looked at. i like the idea of the tent...i just don't think ds would go for it. i would have though. in fact i'd love to sleep in a tent now...(haha)

[happymomma]

We slept like this (still do actually) dh, ds1, me, ds2. It worked out perfectly. I could roll over and tend to ds1 if he needed me but I mainly stayed with ds2 as he nursed most of the night. I separated them so there were no issues with ds1 kicking him.

Now we have bought a crib to attach to the side of the bed and I plan to sleep with the newborn on that side and use the crib mattress for a little more room for us. ds1 and ds2 will sleep next to each other (they are older now, 2 3/4 and 4) and then dh. So it will be ds3, me, ds2, ds1, dh if all goes to plan.

We put the boys down to sleep in their own beds at night but 10/10 nights ds1 comes in with us and 9/10 nights ds2 comes in with us. For the first few hours that we are alone in our bed dh and I feel like royalty with all that room.

[BeanyMama]

dh and i sleep in the middle and the toddler (& sometimes preschooler) are on his side and baby will be on mine. it works great for us

[aaronsmom]

I've had some concerns about this as well. DS (2 yrs) sleeps in between DH and I. We have a cal. king so there is plenty of room but I've never slept with a newborn before. We didn't start cosleeping with DS until he was about 3 months. She has a bassinet next to the bed so we'll see how she/we like that and we'll move her into the bed if it works better.

[anudi01]

I have the same set-up as happymomma...

except we all start out together. Well, kids go down first, and DH and I come to bed later (well not to much later for me lately). When I had my DD I was really concerned adding an addition to the bed, b/c my son never slept well and really I nursed him all night long. Not much changed once I had my daughter, except that I nursed them both all night long. It was not easy, but over time (like when my milk dried up this pregnancy), they both just started sleeping better. I did sidecar the crib (with a short rail) for her, b/c I thought she might need the "protection" from my restless son. As it turned out, it just became easier just to have her beside me.

It will all work out, but what I WILL do this time, is let the baby sleep a "little" on his/her own, if he or she is okay with it. I always just wanted to cuddle my babies ALL THE TIME! They got used to this, then required it, and it probably made things a little harder on me at times. Although, I'll follow babies cues, as I would never let a Baby cry!

[Jennah_Gole]

For us its bedrail, baby, me, toddler and then dad... i do have a bassinette next to the bed but only use it during the daytime for naps... our toddler starts out in his own little bed in his older brothers room but only lasts there lik a couple hours and then comes over to our bed.

[impromptukiss]

at the time when my ds was born, my (then) 23mo old was still sleeping with us and nursing ALL night. we had a queen bed with a crib side-car'd. it just didn't work very well for us. dd slept sideways, and not in the sidecar, lol. i ended up moving the crib to the other side of the room as a toddler bed when he was a week old and weaning her.

it wasn't the easiest or best solution, but dh was out to sea, and i was alone with two littles for a couple months - sh ewas a very demanding nurser, and a very rough sleeper. we all slept much better after that.

now, ds is 2.5, and in his own room, as is dd. but ds still wakes qite often, and it's THAT i'm not looking forward to when this baby comes ... getting up with both, lol.

[impromptukiss]

i also meant to add, that i LOVED having the crib to sidecar next to the bed (with rail off) when my babies were in bed with us! i never slept well before we did that. even though baby always started out in the middle, they'd flip sides with nursing, ect., and i always felt on guard like they were going to fall out. the crib side-car'd was SUCH a relief!

[AngelaB]

Our sleeping arrangement is pretty crazy right now. My eight year old has been having bad dreams so he sleeps with his head at one end of the twin bed (bottom bunk in their room) and my 20 month old sleeps next to me at the other end and we have a futon thing that is pushed up next to my side of the bed so my almost 6 year old can sleep next to me too. So baby will just have to sleep in the crook of my arm on one side and Milo my youngest for the moment on the other. He still nurses once in a while at night but he is night weaned for the most part.

We all really like sleeping together and they wont be in my bed forever so we make it work. I would be up more at night checking on them then when they are just in bed with me.

Right after the new baby arrives I will put my futon in the living room and camp out in there until we get nursing going well. We can watch movies and just chill out and not have to actually get out of bed much and the others will just have to find a spot to crash but dp will be here to help carry passed out kids into their room!
Angela

[Surfacing]

Mamas just a quick question - for those who have infant/newborn sleeping on the outside and are using a rail - aren't you worried about those warnings re: age of child, getting caught, etc? Or am I just being paranoid? Thanks.

[SeaDoula]

Originally Posted by Emese'sMom

Mamas just a quick question - for those who have infant/newborn sleeping on the outside and are using a rail - aren't you worried about those warnings re: age of child, getting caught, etc? Or am I just being paranoid? Thanks.

I am paranoid about this, but also that dp will roll over on baby in the middle.

Ahh! New mom fears, heh!

[kehliouise]

we had a rail at my mother's house when ds was little. i think i did worry about it maybe a bit, but i also didn't really sleep all the way then either. from the days he was born until he got to be well over a year i was fully aware of his presence all night long. he just had to move and my eyes were open. i still got sleep but it was very light. i don't trust dh to sleep like that though, he is a very sound sleeper. he didn't develop that same awareness of the baby. so i am with pp that i was more comfortable with the rail than with baby being in between me and dh. at our house right after ds was born we had a full size bed pushed against a wall and a twin size bed up against that. ds and i sleep on the full size and dh spelt on the twin. we didn't have any rails. this actually worked out because it was like everyone was in bed together but there was a huge amount of space. we don't have those beds anymore, though, just a king size.

[Livie'smomma]

Here's our latest scenario...
I'm 37 weeks preggo, our DD is 3yrs 9 months, still sleeping with us.
Our cal king is on the floor (sucks for me getting up to pee at 3am). We debated getting a platform for it, but decided to try the (hardly ever used) crib/toddler mattress next to our bed on the floor. We bought dd My Little Pony sheets, which she is ga ga over. We started this arrangement 1 week ago. DD LOVES it. DH and I had withdrawal without her in the middle and it was a bit of an adjustment getting used to sleeping with each other again (very good though, for cervical ripening.

For several nights DD has said "Mommy, I love having my own space." She still nurses around 5 or 5:30, which means she just scoots over to the side and I scoot over to the side and then she rolls back over and goes back to sleep.

I am really happy we made this change before the baby comes, so she doesn't feel like she has been kicked out of her place in-between us, with so many other adjustments and changes that she will have to make.

[Dov'sMom]

I'm also worried about this. DS 14 months still nurses to sleep and at least once during the night. He's usually okay if I'm not in the bed while he's deeply asleep, but if he napped late or is the slightest bit out of sorts, that can be a problem. He tends to wake up during the night and play a bit (my father complains about getting 3 am phone calls b/c my cell is also my alarm and my parents are on speed dial...) and is at all times an active sleeper, so I'm not so comfortable with him in the bed with a newborn. Not to mention that there are sure to be jealousy issues b/c DS is totally non-verbal and has no idea that there's a baby coming and he gets jealous when I hold another child for even a minute or two -- I can't imagine how he'd react to another baby nursing from his mama! (He gets mad at DH whenever DH's hands go near my breasts, too...) So far I've never seen him hit another child, but he's never been "threatened" by one either.

Officially, last week was switch-over time, when we were going to put DS on another bed pushed next to mine with a removable rail in between so baby would be safe, but DS was sick all week and he nursed/held my breasts all night. This week I'm sick, and so tired I can't stand the idea of having to get up to lift the rail when DS wants to nurse. My mother tells me it's time to switch him now when there's still a few weeks before the baby so he doesn't associate being kicked out of my bed with a new baby coming -- and I say, "Mom, there aren't a "few weeks" left anymore! I'm due in 9 days!" Her second child (me) was three weeks late, though, and I think she's figuring on this one being late too. I get the feeling she didn't enjoy being overdue and thinks I deserve to have my second go over as well...