Our dear friends son committed suicide

[Bestbirths]

Our dear friends son committed suicide last Sunday afternoon. He was 17 years old. No one knew that he was thinking or planning it. We had not seen him in years since our son did little league with their's, but before children, my husband and the Dad were room mates and the Dad was a groomsman in our wedding. I was in a weekly prayer support group with the mom for seven years. We drifted apart when we moved then subsequently moved back home then quit going to church, and just got reconnected when we heard of their loss and went to the funeral. I have taken this harder than expected. This has got to be the worst thing that can happen to a person, to lose a loved one like this. My friend who lost her son, asked me to call her sometime soon at the funeral. I plan to just see if she and her teenage daughter want to mess around and go shopping at the mall in a couple weeks and just do something to keep her mind off of it or listen if she wants to talk. I looked up his myspace, his gamertag, and saw the online memorial his fellow gamers made for him and they all had no idea he was in so much pain. He seemed like such a nice kid, one that my children would have loved hanging out with. Then, my husbands other old room mate is a scout leader and they are all on the bandwagon now and invited our 12 year old to their scout troop, however we said we were busy because we would not want our son being in scouts with them because of their legalism. I also don't exactly know how to tell my friend for she will surely ask, that we are not going to church because we don't agree with the parenting, without making her feel like I am blaming them, because I would not want to sound like I was, even though I do feel like rigid parenting does prevent children from knowing how to face problems in life....but just because I believe that doesn't mean that I think it is responsible for his death. He was in a lot of pain. And to top things off their church teaches against going to counseling, taking medications, and that disorder diagnosis is an excuse for sin. So, it makes me really sad that even if the boy or his parents felt they needed help, they would have had to cross that obstacle to get the help they needed.

[Liquesce]

I realize some will likely disagree, but one of the kindest things you can do for your friend is to not be open and honest about your feelings about the parenting style encouranged through their church. There is so little way for it to not come out sounding like blame, even if blaming them is the farthest thing from your mind.

One of the hardest things to come to grips with about suicide is that sometimes it is not at all planned, or even consciously thought -- it is simply done. Often there are no signs that can not pass for something less threatening, especially to the people closest to the situation. It is something we would all like to imagine that we can see and repair before it's too late. Too often that is not the case.

My condolences to your friends.

[Bestbirths]

Yes, I see, that you think it would be kind NOT to bring up the reason why we don't go to their church at this time. Thank you

[Bestbirths]

It is so painful that he didn't talk to anyone, not even his close friends or parents. They are all just reeling from this. It is so sad.

[Bestbirths]

I could just say I am not ready to talk about the reason we don't go to church at this time and ask her if it would be alright if we skip that subject.