Getting angry about the potty

[LolaK]

I swore I was not going anywhere near potty training (or learning, whatever, I don't care what it is called) until after my daughter was three years old. Unfortunately for me, she had other ideas, and a couple months ago (maybe two, I have pregnancy brain and can't remember) she told me that she really wanted underwear and didn't want to wear diapers anymore. I kind of let it go for a couple days but she really insisted so I said okay.

First week was great but then she started refusing to se the toilet when we were about to go someplace and I suggested it "let's use the potty before we leave for playgroup" type of thing. Okay, not a big deal if she doesn't have to go that's fine. However, she had a couple accidents 5 minutes after I had asked her f she had to go. I got mad and told her that either she had to wear diapers or not argue with my about the potty. She said okay and really seemed to understand why I got upset, etc.

We have been great for a while but now she is starting again. "No I don't have to go" then a little accident. Actually only one little accident but it pisses me off so much more then anything else because I JUST gave her the opportunity to pee. This has only happened when we are out, when we are at home I never ask her because an accident at home is no big deal compared to at a store or at someone else's house on their couch.

So I know this may be a control issue, she wants to be in control of when she goes etc. Is that all it is? Any thoughts? Sometimes she even says she has to go and when we get to the bathroom has a screaming fit about actually going.

[chaimom]

I think the accidents are all part of potty learning. I would respect her choice to wear underwear now and just be prepared with a change of clothes. As far as refusing to go... when my dd was in a "no" phase while PT, we didn't ask if she wanted to go, we just told her it was time, and that prevented lots of arguments.

I know it's a bummer to clean up accidents, but it sounds like she'll get the hang of it pretty soon now.

[wednesday]

OP -- I don't mean this in a harsh way, but your expectations seem a little unreasonable. Like you want your DD to stay in diapers until she is 100% reliable and won't have any accidents. You do hear stories of kids who just ask for underwear one day and never look back, but I don't think that's very typical. For most kids there's a transition period, and yes, it's inconvenient when out and about. My son went through a phase of wanting to check out the restroom in every store or restaurant we went into. Often he didn't really need to go. He was just very curious about it. It's all part of the process of learning.

[pitchfork]

I know it can be frustating, but you are having very high expectations too. Because they can control it sometimes, doesn't mean they have the foresight, or the ability to be ready to stop what they are doing to go.

What you are experiencing is totally normal, in fact it sounds like DD is doing really well! A couple of things that might help is talking about the potty you will be going to. As in "DD, did you know that the Dr. has his own potty at his office? Yes, we can use it too!" Talk it up, a lot of preparing helps. Then show it to her when you first get there, and then it will be familliar when it's time to go. That really helped my DS. Then take her with you, and maybe you go first. Then see if she'll just sit up there. It may take more coaxing, even if you know she has to go. We also make a game of it, take a toy and let it see if any pee can come out. Or take bets about how many drops there are. I usually just bring 1 (or 2 if we're going out for a long time) changes of clothes and don't make a big deal of it. It sounds like a lot of work, but it beats changing diapers and is more environmentally sound...just think of all the diapers that you'll save, even if you have a bit more laundry for awhile...

I found if I got frustrated, DS really picked up on it and then it was even harder for him to sort out his body's signals. The one time I got really frustrated with him was when he went on the couch, and I knew he had to go but he wouldn't get off. He has tested me twice since then by peeing on the couch, because it was the only place of potty conflict we've ever had, so our frustration really does make an impression...

Good luck!

[LolaK]

Originally Posted by wednesday

OP -- I don't mean this in a harsh way, but your expectations seem a little unreasonable. Like you want your DD to stay in diapers until she is 100% reliable and won't have any accidents. You do hear stories of kids who just ask for underwear one day and never look back, but I don't think that's very typical. For most kids there's a transition period, and yes, it's inconvenient when out and about. My son went through a phase of wanting to check out the restroom in every store or restaurant we went into. Often he didn't really need to go. He was just very curious about it. It's all part of the process of learning.

Oh, I think you misunderstood me. I don't get mad about accidents, I totally get that they are a part of life. I find myself getting frustrated when she refuses to go and has a temper tantrum if I say, "we are leaving playgroup now so we are both going to use the toilet."

[LolaK]

Originally Posted by chaimom

As far as refusing to go... when my dd was in a "no" phase while PT, we didn't ask if she wanted to go, we just told her it was time, and that prevented lots of arguments.

Yah, I used to think that that worked too, the concept of not asking because it isn't really a choice. I have discovered that my daughter is much more strong willed. I don't ask her. I tell her, we are both going potty now. Then temper tantrum ensues if she doesn't want to.

I guess I should really consider myself lucky since she has had a total of maybe 4 accidents in the several months we have been doing this. It is the "NO, I won't use the potty!" that gets me.

[LolaK]

Originally Posted by pitchfork

What you are experiencing is totally normal, in fact it sounds like DD is doing really well! A couple of things that might help is talking about the potty you will be going to. As in "DD, did you know that the Dr. has his own potty at his office? Yes, we can use it too!" Talk it up, a lot of preparing helps. Then show it to her when you first get there, and then it will be familliar when it's time to go. That really helped my DS. Then take her with you, and maybe you go first. Then see if she'll just sit up there. It may take more coaxing, even if you know she has to go. We also make a game of it, take a toy and let it see if any pee can come out. Or take bets about how many drops there are.

Thanks, those are some really good suggestions. I sometimes forget that it is so much easier to make things silly.

[orangefoot]

Havce you read about elimination communication? There is a forum here on MDC in teh diapering section where you could get some ideas - especially fromthe late starters stickies.

If you think about you 'catching' a wee instead of her doing one where she should the control lissue may disappear. If you watch her to see if you see signs then you can talk to her about weeing at a time when she may want to wee.

It isn't always easy to wee if you don't think you need to is it? As children we were trained to some extent to associate leaving one place for another with going to the toilet and 'trying'. As adults (especially pregnant women!) we are able to squeeze out a wee evein if we didn't think we needed to without much trouble! Little people don't think inthis preparatory way and only think about a wee when they really need to go.

Try thinking about it from her perspective and then see how you can help her and see where you go from there.

Happy catching.

[crayon]

This is very normal. With my DD#1 she would run around naked and pee in things- like a tub or a toy or something. It drove me nuts- but I just kept telling her she had to use the potty. With my second she would just pee- right on the floor- yikes! But she stopped doing that after a few months- I know it seems forever! I started a bit sooner than you however, so I am not sure if that helped me. My girls were both PT by 2. I figured once they started kicking me when I tried to change their dipe then it was time to let them pee and learn where to pee- They will learn.

If you do not blow up they get no excitment out of no emotions- so they will just start going where they should.

[amber913]

Yesterday, when ds refused to try, I asked him if he wanted to pee on some Cheerios. He threw them in and when he hit some, I made a big deal. He LOVED it. Now, I know you're dealing with a girl here, but is there some way to make it exciting? I mean, can a girl pee on Cheerios or something?

Plus, sometimes we just carry ds to the potty before he has a chance to say no. And he loves that word, no.

[skueppers]

No real advice, other than, "this too will pass." When we were in the throes of potty training here, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

For what it's worth, my daughter is also very resistant to the concept that it's a good idea for everyone to use the potty before we leave the house. It does absolutely no good to go together, to tell rather than ask, etc. So for the most part, I don't press the issue unless we're going to be in the car for an hour or more.

When and where they pee and poop is one of the few things a small child has complete control over. At the same time, I didn't think my daughter could really grasp when she was 2 1/2 that the reason she peed in her pants at the playground was because she didn't go to the potty before we left the house, and that therefore, if she'd like to avoid peeing in her pants at the playground next time, she should use the potty first.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by LolaK

I guess I should really consider myself lucky since she has had a total of maybe 4 accidents in the several months we have been doing this. It is the "NO, I won't use the potty!" that gets me.

Oh, let it go! I mean, four accidents? That's awesome! She's basically totally potty-trained. At this point, if I were you, I'd just stop asking/reminding completely for a while. If she has an accident, say "Whoops!" and clean it up. I would be willing to bet you $10 that she will totally take over going when she needs to and you can eliminate this little source of irritation between you two. My mom used to ask me if I had to pee 70-80 times a day, and it didn't matter if I was about to pee my pants, my knee-jerk reaction was "No!" because I was so sick of her asking. I'm not saying you're doing that, but it sounds to me like you can totally trust her on this one.

[Kessed]

Have you tried the 'toddler choice'?

"Do you want to go potty before or after mama?"

"Do you want to use this stall - or that one?"

"Do you want to flush the toilet after you do potty or do you want mama to do it?"

I don't know if that will help. But I seen it used to good success with other strong willed children.