Is arguing a need?

[Dragonfly]

Or the result of an unmet need? Or a bad habit that feeds itself?

I'm curious what everyone thinks.

[nextcommercial]

Personally I think it's a personality trait. Some people like to please. Some people are the mediators. Some people would argue about the color of the grass.

My husband is agressive, I am passive, my dd is a mediator. It works wonderfully for us.

[VisionaryMom]

I don't think it's a need. In an ideal world, everything would be perfectly the way I want it, and everyone would understand that. :

If you asked my husband, he'd say I'm aggressive. I'm moreso than he his (though that's not tough), but I still hate arguing. I'm just the dominant person in our relationship.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

I don't think it's a need. In an ideal world, everything would be perfectly the way I want it, and everyone would understand that. :

exactly.

My DP says that I am opinionated (no kidding) and that I "have an answer for everything." He's right . . . I wouldn't have an opinion if I couldn't back it up, and I am very free with expressing my opinions. I can quash that if I *have* to, so I guess I don't need to argue . . . but I like the way I am, and I like talking about my opinions.

Arguing isn't a need, IMO, but it is a personality thing. I'm much more inclined to argue than DP, or my mom, but my DD is about as argumentative as I am.

[wonderwahine]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Personally I think it's a personality trait. Some people like to please. Some people are the mediators. Some people would argue about the color of the grass.

My husband is agressive, I am passive, my dd is a mediator. It works wonderfully for us.

I have to agree, im a passionate person, arguing comes naturally

[EviesMom]

Well, I do see how it can help people grow or strengthen their own opinions, think more deeply, etc. if you're talking about a good, healthy debate. A yelling or disrespectful argument no, but somehting where you have to articulate your opinions and examine them, defend them, yeah, I think it could be a need. Not that everyone needs to do that, but I think some personality types do.

[cotopaxi]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Personally I think it's a personality trait.

Me too.

One of my good friends aruges, like, as a hobby. He will argue you on any topic you hold dear to your heart and are sure of, until you finally surrender and tell him you've changed your mind. Then HE switches sides and argues you back to your original viewpoint.

[MCR]

I think it's a personality trait too.
Dh and I don't argue. At first I couldn't understand why, he never argues, he states his case and waits. I used to rant and rave and try to get him to argue his side. After all these years together I now do it his way, state my case and leave it. 9 times out of 10 I get whatever I want
When I see (or hear) friends argue it sounds like a waste of energy to me now.

[chaoticzenmom]

My son is a natural negotiator. My daughter thinks that whatever I say is what I mean 100%. I wish that she would argue a little more. She goes off into her room and cries instead of talking about what she really wants. I think that arguing is a good thing.

LIsa

[*Aimee*]

I say personality trait. My DH loves to argue. Sometimes I'll stop him and say "hey! You're on my side!" Like with vaccines. He agrees with me that we dont want to vaccinate my son, but argues with me about it a lot. He says he just wants to see "what I know"...Um everything YOU know I taught you!!

[UnschoolnMa]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Or the result of an unmet need? Or a bad habit that feeds itself?

I say that it can be all three of those things. It depends on the circumstances of course. It can surely be the symptom of an unmet need, and I agree that some people seem to be hard wired for more argument or debate than others.

Some people might classify me that way I think.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Or the result of an unmet need? Or a bad habit that feeds itself?

I'm curious what everyone thinks.

It can be all of the above, and more. You can need to argue, if something is really important, and the other party isn't listening to normal debate or discussion. At some point, a child (or adult) will need to learn how to argue. Yes, I mean like learning how to express your opinion or learning how to listen or learning how to tie your shoes. Argueing can be the result of frustration from having an unmet need. Argueing can be personality. A PP mentioned someone who argued as a hobby. The way one person takes things is different from another, so what I may consider downright argueing, someone else might consider interesting debate, or a quiet conversation. And some people in some relationships get into the habit of argueing when they could just discuss instead.

[Demeter9]

I am a debater by nature. My two girls will argue just about every time given any opening.

I am not more aggressive than my DH. I am more talkative. He is rather argumentative himself.

I would say that in some people it IS a need. Think of it this way - we NEED to know the reasons. And then be sure those are good reasons for us. We're willing to listen, but not just do because we're told.

And yes, I know EXACTLY how annoying that trait can be when overused. I can't tell you how often I end up raising my voice and saying something like, "ENOUGH! Now!" or "Question LATER. Right now DO!"

The Universe has a sense of humour. A really ironic sense of humour.

[getting_there]

I do think it is a need. I think when you feel the need to argue, what you really need is to be heard and understood. I think most people that like to argue are people that feel the need to not only be right but to have the acknowledgement of their wisdom and feelings on whatever subject they are arguing.

[Demeter9]

Originally Posted by getting_there

I do think it is a need. I think when you feel the need to argue, what you really need is to be heard and understood. I think most people that like to argue are people that feel the need to not only be right but to have the acknowledgement of their wisdom and feelings on whatever subject they are arguing.

Maybe sometimes that is true. For example, right now.

Most of the time I feel there is more than acknowledgement at stake. I don't really CARE if you think I'm RIGHT. I care about the results. If you think that the way you or someone else wants something has merit, put it up and explain it so that we can see if it is. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it is partially right and some of it could be better. But if it can't stand the light of day, then don't expect me to just march into the black hole because you really think I should.

[Alyantavid]

I would say that in some people it IS a need. Think of it this way - we NEED to know the reasons. And then be sure those are good reasons for us. We're willing to listen, but not just do because we're told.

And yes, I know EXACTLY how annoying that trait can be when overused. I can't tell you how often I end up raising my voice and saying something like, "ENOUGH! Now!" or "Question LATER. Right now DO!"

I totally agree with that. I'm an arguer, I always have been. My dh is not. My 5 year old is very much an arguer. However, I don't know if that's because he just is that way or if I've influenced him. But most of the time he's arguing with me, its because he needs to know why, he needs to know the reasons behind whatever it is. And sometimes I do have say "just stop, this is how it is because of..." just to put an end to it.

[LolaK]

Originally Posted by Jessy1019

exactly.

My DP says that I am opinionated (no kidding) and that I "have an answer for everything." He's right . . . I wouldn't have an opinion if I couldn't back it up, and I am very free with expressing my opinions. I can quash that if I *have* to, so I guess I don't need to argue . . . but I like the way I am, and I like talking about my opinions.

I am always pointing this out. If I didn't know I was right I wouldn't voice my opinion. jeesh!