Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves

[Morgraine]

I would really like to share ideas about this interesting book.
Raising our children Raising Ourselves. Naomi Aldort.
I am surprised that I was unable to find any threads related to her ideas on parenting.

Any takers?

[lotus.blossom]

I'm reading the book right now. I have an 18 m/o and am trying to find my path in 'discipine' so that I have a good foundation to start with. I find that the book has some very good concepts, but I think its lacking solutions. Seems like in the examples, after the validation part, the child just moves on but there are no practical examples of solutions beyond that.

[Limabean1975]

I've been reading these boards like crazy the last few days and repeatedly read that Raising.., Unconditional Parenting, and a few others are good "theory" books to start with. There are other books (I've just ordered Pam Leo's Connected Parenting) that apparently are more about the "practice".

[nathansmum]

ROCRO was the 2nd really GD book I read. I started with UP and loved the idea was great on giving theory, but it was ROCRO that bought it all together for me. I thought it did provide good solutions. But not in a "how to" way, but then I don't really think it is possible, because everyone has different things that trigger them and there are no "rules" on what's right and what's wrong. For me, it wasn't so much about needing how to's, but I really needed the push to change my mindset which this book was successful in doing and the how to's just came flowing out once I removed my blocks. This book is one I have referred to time and time again.

[LynnS6]

I'll confess to being lukewarm at best about this book. I like her S.A.L.V.E. 'formula' (Stop yourself, put your Attention on your child, Listen, Validate their experience, Empower them by refraining from 'fixing' or lessening their feelings).

But overall, the book left me with a sour taste in my mouth. Part of it is the implication that learning disabilities, emotional issues, etc. result from lack of connection/poor parenting. Certainly there are emotional issue that can and do result from poor parenting. But she overlooks the clear evidence that there are a lot of learning difficulties or emotional issues (e.g., bipolar) that have a clear biological basis.

But part of it was just the tone. It was a bit 'holier than thou' in my view. Clearly not everyone comes away from this book with that feeling, so it may just be me.

And a lot of what she says has been said elsewhere in a slightly different format. How To Talk So Your Children will Listen has a lot of the same ideas without the excess baggage.

So, it's not my favorite book. It's not one of the books that I'm going to keep. (I got my copy from Bookmooch, and sent it on to someone else when I was done).

[Enchanted Gypsy]

Reading this book now.. I really love the validating feelings part. However, i do not really get some of it as yet. It seems that in her eyes, children can do no wrong and if they do well, too bad for you, it's probably your fault anyway.

I want to believe her , It's so wonderful to think that we would never have to ask our kids to do something they don t want to and they will always do what is best, because we respect them.

It just seems a bit idealistic.

I hope I am wrong....

I will continue reading and keep an open mind.....

[tubulidentata2]

I love, love, love this book, but I did feel the need to buy her toddler CD before I felt like I had enough guidance. I now feel like I have a good idea of where I want to draw limits (when DD is endangering herself or others, when she might infringe upon the rights of others, or when she may destroy property that would be difficult or costly to replace). I feel comfortable teaching other behavior through modeling. I like Aldort's ideas on when to use praise (at neutral times or to share in a child's excitement). Lastly, I really like the idea of not distracting children from their emotional upset, but supporting them (if they need it) while they work through the pain.

DD is only 20 months old, so my appreciation of this book may change as DD becomes more challenging. I do see the "holier than thou" tone occasionally, which I wish weren't there, but I can easily overlook that.

[cuddleluvinma]

I'm in the middle of it. I like it. I like the idea of using S.A.L.V.E. and I like the idea of trusting you childs natural drive to do what is good. I agree, it may be a bit idealistic. But, it's refreshing to think of you child in this light when we are bombarded by so many negegive images of children these days.

This book was a bit of a dissapointment after reading Unconditional Parenting, which I devoured. And I agree w/ pp who said that there are many things in here that where in Talk so Your Children Will Listen.

I don't think that I would advise someone who is new to GD to read this as it may make them think that its too "out there". I would probably recommend Talk so Your Children Will Listen to eas them into it. then go with UP and then to ROCROS. I'm looking for something along these lines to read when i'm done with this one if anyone wants to pm me!

[emma_goldman]

as someone who is recovering from very strong parental expectations, i loved this book. I thought the big message was that we can keep our expectations in check and tap into our child's own expectations for her/himself. an absolutely REVOLUTIONARY idea. This is the aspect missing from _Unconditional Parenting_, I think.

I have been having very deep experiences about the damage done by my mother's expectations for me.

[lotus.blossom]

Originally Posted by nathansmum

For me, it wasn't so much about needing how to's, but I really needed the push to change my mindset which this book was successful in doing

Thats exactly what this book has done for me. I really needed to check my feelings at the door before they came out my mouth. I have totally changed in my responses to my child and even my dh. I am hoping that by SALVE'ing I can make sure that my son feels respected and validated but I can't imagine this approach working for someone who is trying to fix past disciplinary mistakes. Example-- I have a new cousin-in-law who has 2 boys age 4 and 6 and they have very very bad behaviour. The 4 year old was asking me for 5marshmallows sfter I already gave him 2 and I said no and made a joke about him having a sugar coma. After reading the book I could have handled the situation better (it ended up escalating to a tantrum and his dad spanked him ) but if I had validated him by saying I know you want the marshmallows, they are tasty huh? What next? In Aldorts examples the child would have agreed and moved on to something else. There aren't any examples of children who insist and don't back down.

I guess that when it gets to the point that I need solutions I will move on to another book. I've got Loving Your Child is Not Enough but that one is too example heavy and more for older children.

[nathansmum]

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

In Aldorts examples the child would have agreed and moved on to something else. There aren't any examples of children who insist and don't back down.

Yeah, I did struggle with this type of stuff from ds - particularly since he wasn't really GD'd before 2.5 (well he was to a degree, but I had a lot of work to do on myself). What I found is that it is OK to let them feel the disappointment with little imput from you except to just be there with them and validate as needed (it was necessary for me to really assess when I was saying No or what and why I was limiting something and tbh, that improved the level of trantrums within weeks once I got in the swing of questioning myself before I opened my mouth). My son had healing to do and it tied in with her saying that in the beginning with validating and letting them know you understand etc that the periods of crying/protesting will likely be longer and quite intense. Once I accepted that and just let the whole idea *be* he would be crying one second and then just suddenly move on. He might have only cried a minute, but because there was no punishment, no irritation shown on my part, just active watching/listening/comfort/connection and he would move on - it was really weird and amazing to watch, not like he'd given up crying coz it wasn't getting attention (which is what mainstream advice suggests aka ignore the tantrum) but it was like he'd processed and accepted and trusted the answer and the validation helped him do that. What I also found was mostly saying *less* was better than doing too much talking. I also found the less you reprimand, the more likely they are to listen and accept when you do pull them up on something because it's not overused and there is no pattern of needing to fight for what you want and that there will be opposition over everything.

I loved her article on sibling rivalry (from her website) on how to deal with that, it completely was the way for us when it hit when my kids were younger. Many are too scared to try it, coz they see it as rewarding the offender, but she was bang on with the offender actually hurting inside and to give love (even in the moment of the hitting/offending) rather than the urge to correct and lecture and isolate.

[lotus.blossom]

Thank you for your example! I have noticed that even with my 18 m/o his tantrums are few and far between and they last about 10 seconds. I validate and let him roll around and then he's ready to move on. Its encouraging to know that the concept can work with and older child.

I feel so lucky to have read this book because if I hadn't I would still be negating and fixing. I never would have imagined that it did any harm at all! Its going to be difficult to explain to my yelling, threatening, controlling, spanking relatives why I'm doing what I am doing but I hope that my sons behavior will speak for itself someday!

[shayinme]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I'll confess to being lukewarm at best about this book. I like her S.A.L.V.E. 'formula' (Stop yourself, put your Attention on your child, Listen, Validate their experience, Empower them by refraining from 'fixing' or lessening their feelings).

But overall, the book left me with a sour taste in my mouth. Part of it is the implication that learning disabilities, emotional issues, etc. result from lack of connection/poor parenting. Certainly there are emotional issue that can and do result from poor parenting. But she overlooks the clear evidence that there are a lot of learning difficulties or emotional issues (e.g., bipolar) that have a clear biological basis.

But part of it was just the tone. It was a bit 'holier than thou' in my view. Clearly not everyone comes away from this book with that feeling, so it may just be me.

And a lot of what she says has been said elsewhere in a slightly different format. How To Talk So Your Children will Listen has a lot of the same ideas without the excess baggage.

So, it's not my favorite book. It's not one of the books that I'm going to keep. (I got my copy from Bookmooch, and sent it on to someone else when I was done).

No, its not just you. I have tried to read this book for the past year and I never get any further than halfway through the book. I liked the SALVE formula but frankly her overall tone bothers me greatly. I honestly feel like she never had to deal with a headstrong toddler who despite validation pushes the envelope.

Originally Posted by lotus.blossom

There aren't any examples of children who insist and don't back down.

This is what bugs me, there are never any examples of kids who push the limits, and frankly I need concrete examples.

Shay