Is there a middle ground ?? - Page 2

[nathansmum]

'Scuse the waffle ahead, but just wanted to talk about my thoughts around permissive parenting.

I think I can *appear* permissive to a lot of people, but I don't see it that way at all (I like Naomi Aldort). For me (like others have mentioned) I have boundaries/family values - pretty simple, not so much "rules" and for our family (and that includes all of us) it is about Being Safe, Being Healthy and Taking care of our things and others. So almost everything important falls into those categories.

For me permissive is really about non-parenting and I see it carried out even by authoritarian parents, you know, someone might yell across the room at their kid when they're annoying or hurting another yet don't go over there and help the situation/educate/problem solve because they can't be bothered.

So while I tend to follow the Naomi Aldort way, for me it is a very active parenting style - it is constantly about modelling to my children how to behave (as in I don't yell if I don't want my kids to yell (and yes, I have been a yeller and seen it's affects and then the difference when I changed my ways) or be respectful to them by saying please and thank you or fetch them things when they ask and know that they will do the same for me), educating and talking to them about problems that we're having and ways to solve those issues. I found it really got into my headspace to begin with because I was challenging all my own instinctive parenting ways and it took me a bit to come up with other solutions (if a child was wanting to draw on the couch (not actually on it, but with a piece of paper and pen that would go through the sheet onto the couch underneath), doesn't mean I tell them off, but I redirect them to where they are supposed to be drawing and remaining hands on with that approach till they get it or if I see a child wanting to get the paints out and I'm not in the mood for cleaning up I might suggest another exciting activity that could provide similar type stimulation such as painting the chalk board with water).

So yeah, what may appear permissive to you, probably isn't, you just wouldn't see the super nanny type techniques (of speaking to or actions taken) used. Oh, and I'm not afraid to say No to my kids, imo it's the way that you deal with their disappointment that can make the difference in the way your style may appear to others (you could just say yes anyway to appease them, or maybe send them away and isolate them so you don't have to deal with their disappointment or you might validate and listen to their concerns and help them understand your reasoning for saying no in the first place).

[ruhbehka]

Originally Posted by Enchanted Gypsy

The question is, how do you communicate them in a gentle way that you need so and so to be done.

You might also find the book "How to talk so that kids will listen and how to listen so that kids will talk" to be very helpful.

[EdnaMarie]

I just want to say that my daughter is 14 months and I used to think that I would encounter all these issues with toddlerhood. Now that she is more willful, meaning, she has her own ideas, I am much more into gentle discipline and modeling than I was when she was a baby. When she was a baby I had this image in my mind of what toddlers and kids are like and how I would need to "deal with" all of that.

What I have found is that our relationship does not have to be combatitive which is what creates a lot of battles that have to be won or lost for someone to learn. I loved the book "Parent Effectiveness Training" because of how it explains how to avoid that without avoiding one's responsibility as a guide and model for life.

I'm not saying that my daughter is not on the ground kicking her legs doing "the cockroach" or refusing to sit on the potty. What I'm saying is that those issues do not develop in at all the way I expected before my daughter grew into toddlerhood.

I don't know how to describe this to you because I know that until mine got to this point I really couldn't see what others were talking about when they talked about being gentle even when there was a genuine disagreement. I was like, well won't she take advantage / learn that she is always right / whatever? But all I can say is that although I am gentle most of the time (I do have my moments : ) that has just not come up with our disagreements.

What she is learning is that she has her right to her opinions, but that some things have to get done, and that we will respect her as much as possible until it can endanger any one of us.

FWIW, I was terrible at picking up and planning ahead until I had my own apartment and job and paid all my own bills. Then it took me all of one week to get my shoot together. So I guess I am also partly of the mind that people learn when they learn, not when we want them to.

Good luck. I know this pre-toddlerhood time is really stressful because you don't want to damage them for life at the age of one or something and you really want a good start! But it all works out.