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My longest post ever... Way more than 50 characters. - Page 2

post #21 of 37
Thanks for this thread. It is a nice space to share experiences.
post #22 of 37
OP gave a very insightful look at what the mom might be feeling and the issues moms might be dealing with.... ... ... ... yet in the last several posts we're again talking about the issues that step-moms have to deal with and how step-moms might be feeling.

Just an observation.
post #23 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evenstar View Post
OP gave a very insightful look at what the mom might be feeling and the issues moms might be dealing with.... ... ... ... yet in the last several posts we're again talking about the issues that step-moms have to deal with and how step-moms might be feeling.

Just an observation.
I dunno that that's a bad thing. We can all only comment from where we happen to stand, and I think it's helpful to all of us to remember (and perhaps be reminded) that not everyone on the "other side" is difficult or evil.
post #24 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oh the Irony View Post
I just posted this on another thread, but am posting it here so that I don't derail that thread:

It doesn't surprise me. It wasn't about your husband. It was about their kids.


Being a parent, watching a relationship dissolve that you never thought would, and then dealing with your children having a step-parent is hard. Even harder when their ideals are different than your own. My children don't need another positive influence in their lives--they have me. Course, I would rather they have positive than negative and I know I will come to terms with it eventually as it is reality. But, it is a reality I never envisioned and certainly never dreamed about. I never once thought "Oh, I hope my kids have a stepmom one day. Or, I hope I get to be a stepmom one day." Does anyone dream of it?? (And maybe that's part of the rub for stepmoms?? And yes, I'm sure someone will speak up who did dream of it.) There is so much grief--grief over my marriage but even more so over the loss of an intact family for my children. It HURTS.

These little ones that grew in my womb, nursed at my breast for 3+ years each and who had an intact family all of a sudden have to deal with going back and forth between houses. They miss their dad SO much. My older son is depressed by the divorce. He's in counseling now...

Right now, the trauma of the end of the relationship is still somewhat fresh. The thought of my beautiful children snuggled up next to some other woman causes me much pain and heartache. Intellectually, I know that I don't own my children. And I know that love is good wherever you may find it. But that doesn't stop my heart from aching that my children have to deal with this. They have me. That's all they need. Me. Their mother.

And there is fear...I was a SAHM for nine years. Child support and spousal support are the only things keeping me off welfare right now. Will they have a child? Will that child get to spend more time with dad than our kids together? How will that feel to my kids? Will they then complain about the support they pay me? Take me to court to reduce it? Document any little shit they don't like and try and get equal or primary custody?? I didn't ask for this shit. I was a great wife other than that little bout with PPD and I'm an awesome mom.

At the same time, I'm the happiest I've been in years. I am starting a great new career. I refuse to live in fear--though it still strikes often and hard. But trying to figure out my own boundaries for the sake of my sanity is SO incredibly HARD. Friendly? Not friendly? Too friendly? Too cold? Heck if I know where the balance is. I'll figure it out but it will take some time. I will make some mistakes. My children come first--ultimately I will do what is best for them from my perspective. But it is a new perspective. You are welcome to the man--I let him go. (and good luck you will need it!! )

These are some of the details of my life as a mom that I want to share with you so that some of you have a better understanding of what it is like for moms with kids who divorce.

Maybe we can be more compassionate towards moms. And step-moms. Being a parent is hard work. But you have to earn the right to be called my child's parent by me.

Oh, and it is hard being a single custodial parent. I do all the getting ready for school, homework, getting up, rush rush rush. Bedtimes with a cranky preschooler and a nine year old who regularly cries over his dad not living with us. And work during the week. Then on weekends, ex gets to be off work and play with the kids.
Irony,

I feel the pain behind your story. I am sorry it has taken me a day to respond to you but I really wanted to say more than just a sentence.

I am really glad you posted a bit of your story. I am not an ex-wife but a mother to my daughter and step mom to my step sons. After reading your post, I realized that if I were to divorce or separate from my DH I would feel exactly like you do. No doubt about it.

In fact, during the hard times I have had the one thing that makes me think twice about leaving is splitting time with DD. I want her all the time. I don't want to share her with DH if we split. I won't. I just won't.

So I stay no matter what. I can't compromise the time I have with DD so that DH would be able to share custody or have visitation. It just isn't how it should be or how we planned our life.

I am not in any way saying any mother out there who is separated or divorced should have stayed. I am only validating your feelings of after the split. Because I have considered what would happen if DH and I split and I would just DIE if I had to share my DD with him.

Even if that feeling is totally wrong. Whatever. It is my feeling. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

So thank you for posting that. I think I will be able to see it from the other side a little clearer now. Because we all have it in us to be the mama bear.

post #25 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
I didnt see it that way at all Violet. (didnt see your post in a negative way, I mean)

I think in a blended family situation, a person (no matter where you are on the scale) feels a loss of control. So, sometimes, you hang on to what little "power" you have EX:- CP and visitation/NCP and c/s/stepparents and clothes; toys; etc.
I think sometimes all adults get wrapped up in power struggles and hide under the guise of "doing whats best for the kids", when if you step back, thats all it really is, trying to find some control for yourself.

Not blaming anyone! Just an observation I've learned over the years. (and still learning, lol)
you are so right! to everyone.
post #26 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evenstar View Post
OP gave a very insightful look at what the mom might be feeling and the issues moms might be dealing with.... ... ... ... yet in the last several posts we're again talking about the issues that step-moms have to deal with and how step-moms might be feeling.

Just an observation.
Yeah, I wasn't sure when I posted if it should be in this thread or the other one, but I figured since I was responding to some of her questions, I'd put it here. There are some moms on the other thread as well. I'm enjoying hearing from both, and I think it's useful for all of us to hear different perspectives.

Please, moms, add your thoughts, too!
post #27 of 37
Wow! It is so nice to see the healing going on.

This is a beautiful discussion, Mamas. Thank you all for sharing so much of yourselves here.
post #28 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dawn1221 View Post
So I stay no matter what. I can't compromise the time I have with DD so that DH would be able to share custody or have visitation. It just isn't how it should be or how we planned our life.

I am not in any way saying any mother out there who is separated or divorced should have stayed. I am only validating your feelings of after the split. Because I have considered what would happen if DH and I split and I would just DIE if I had to share my DD with him.

Even if that feeling is totally wrong. Whatever. It is my feeling. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

So thank you for posting that. I think I will be able to see it from the other side a little clearer now. Because we all have it in us to be the mama bear.

Thanks Dawn. Back at you. Helps me to see things from your and others perspectives as well. And to hear that you understand.

Kids provide a lot of incentive to work things out. But never feel you have to stay because of the kids--at that point, your happiness in getting out is healthier for the kids than living with parents that tolerate each other. (Not that you are there is your relationship now) You don't die. It hurts that you don't have that life you planned for your kids. But you grow stronger and create something else.
post #29 of 37
Thanks for setting me straight on the single mom thing. I am a mom whose kids have a step mom and I am a step mom myself so I do see things from both sides. Recently Xmas for me was hard because my older son spent it with his dad and stepmom, one son had to work and the other was overseas. Only my daughter and her boyfriend were with Dh and me. It hurt at first that my son went to his dad's but I tried to see it from his side, that he doesn't get to be with him much. Then when DH called his ex to see if he could get an hour with his son on Xmas day she refused. And that hurt, too, only for different reasons.You are going to be ok and you are going to have good days and bad just like all of us. And who knows, you just may be a step mom some day.
post #30 of 37
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post #31 of 37


This is a very good thread. And OP, I completely understand and have felt what you feel. I was in tears reading your post.

Even though I've been divorced for 7 years (and have remarried).. those feelings I can clearly remember. And they don't always go away totally. It wasn't personal. It was never personal for me. I wanted to get to know my ex's new wife. I wished she would have communicated with me. But she shut me out and never gave me a chance. I lost not only my marriage, but my daughter.. because she pushed for custody and they won.

I can't think of anything in my life that hurt more than that day. And no matter how much good happens after that (such as her return to my home) I can still remember the pain.

Divorce and blending families are hard. For so many years all I wanted was to be understood. To be given a chance. To be treated as another human being that loved my daughter. To not be shut out of my own childs life.

I could never figure out what I did to make my daughters stepmother hate me so much. I guess maybe it wasn't personal for her either? Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.

This thread however puts me a little bit closer to understanding her, even if she is no longer in that role.
post #32 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nature View Post

I could never figure out what I did to make my daughters stepmother hate me so much. I guess maybe it wasn't personal for her either? Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.
You never know what your ex told her about you. If you have had limited contact with her, she could have a totally skewed vision of who you are.

For me, that is probably one of the good things that has come out of my extensive contact with my dsd's mother (well, extensive as compared to other stepmoms). I have had the opportunity to form my own opinions of her - good and bad.
post #33 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
You never know what your ex told her about you. If you have had limited contact with her, she could have a totally skewed vision of who you are.

For me, that is probably one of the good things that has come out of my extensive contact with my dsd's mother (well, extensive as compared to other stepmoms). I have had the opportunity to form my own opinions of her - good and bad.
Thats very true as well. He admitted to lying to quite a few people about things, so I guess he probably wasn't honest with her either. She went out of her way to avoid me most of the time. Its funny, we have a security door with no buzzer. So our routine was/is that when she got dropped off at the house my ex would call on his cell to let me know my daughter was here. Well, on the days that her step mother dropped her off.. even though she had a cell, and my number.. instead of calling me to say "She's here." She would call my ex and have him call me. LOL At first I thought she forgot my number or something, until I gave it to my daughter again to give her.. and finally my daughter said, "Mom, she has your number.. she just.. well.. she just doesn't like you and doesn't like to talk to you." And my ex confirmed that there was a lot of talking negatively about me to my daughter.

I just really wish the 5 years she was in my daughter life could have been better for all of us, thats all. Once the pain started to dull, I was more than happy to give her a chance. I just wanted mine too.
post #34 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
You are going to be ok and you are going to have good days and bad just like all of us. And who knows, you just may be a step mom some day.
Thanks angilyn. I am okay and I have many more good days than bad. It is an exciting time in my life. I don't mean to sound like woe is me or that I am in constant pain--just trying to show some of the process moms may go through when their kids get a step mom. It's a process.

But, uh, I would have to get married to be a step mom and I really like the freedom of being single. As well as the day to day nitty gritty, there are many gifts that come from it. I think it probably suits me more than being married in many ways. Also, I no longer feel naive about it from this forum. I would be thinking long and hard about it--love probably isn't always enough. Not saying never because that has a way of biting you...
post #35 of 37
Nature, I wish you had a better expereince too. *nods* That is sad all the way around.

And pinksprklybarefoot has a good point of you have no idea what stories your ex told her. Some people like to form their own opinions, others will take what their loved one has said and run with it blindly.


Though I think you have stumbled upon a point that is very valid for some.

Quote:
Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I know for certain that is my own issues and insecurities at times. All my life I dreamed of the perfect little family... you know 2.5 kids, a dog, the white picket fence. Of course I never dreamed to be a Step-Mother.

It's still a process for me of acceptance of the things I cannot change. I'm terrified I won't have children of my own and be stuck in this weird limbo forever. It's also disheartening knowing I won't be the one to bless my DP with his first child, and for some silly reason I feel that makes me somehow less... I could not even explain that, and no DP has never made me feel that way. In fact he is ecstatic about trying for a child with me... but to me... he has already been there and done that, will my first child be as special to him even though it's not his first?

So yes, I beleive you hit a point for me. In ways sometimes it is a mourning of never knowing the "normal" family life.
post #36 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by violet_ View Post
/
I did see this violet and really appreciated it but didn't have time to respond. Thank you. I do resent the dichotomy sometimes but work on letting it go. As I said above, I really like being a single mom now. It is hard from a logistical standpoint for me but it is also rewarding. And there is such a sense of freedom--one that I hadn't had in marriage in a long time. My spirit feels so much better.
post #37 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
And pinksprklybarefoot has a good point of you have no idea what stories your ex told her. Some people like to form their own opinions, others will take what their loved one has said and run with it blindly.



It's still a process for me of acceptance of the things I cannot change.
That really caught my eye as well. We really don't know.

I have found reading about co-dependency really useful in learning to let go of the things I can't change. I think these situations bring out these tendencies in us. If we focus on caring for ourselves everything works so much better. Just looking through the contents of Codependent No More is like a textbook for this: detachment, don't be blown about by every wind, remove the victim, learn acceptance, have a love affair with yourself, etc.

I highly recommend the book. It could be useful if you struggle with letting go or if you have a challenging mom or step mom in your life.

And pinksparklybarefoot--I read your description about being a step mom. I think you posted something similar in another thread and it really struck me at the time. You walk a really tight rope.

And well, Nature. Thanks for posting.

And JSMa--yes. Your child will be just as special. In my experience, your children are equally special. Birth order doesn't really have that much impact. You just fall in love--sometimes instantly. Sometimes over a bit of time. But yes, your child will be incredibly special. I hope that happens for you.

And that fear. Use it. There is power in facing your fear. Write about it. Get it out and find the root.

Okay, I am Late. Very very late. Bye.
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