How to make time for Dad

[BabyA'sMom]

I am soo lucky to have a great, understanding DH. He has stepped up and been incredibly supportive and helpful. I didn't realize how all-consuming taking care of a newborn would be and really value his understanding.

I can tell though, how he really isn't getting the quality attention he deserves. We've always been very close physically by holding hands, snuggling on the couch, spooning while sleeping, etc... Now that I'm breastfeeding every two hours, it's hard to have that time with him. For whatever reason, I can't handle being caressed by him while I am breastfeeding. I also breastfeed in bed and don't like being touched while feeding Baby at night. It feels like I am being pawed at from all sides and there is nothing left of me.

Intimacy has been put on hold due to birth complications, and frankly I have no energy so my interest level has gone down. I can tell he is feeling alone and deprived and have acknowledged how hard it is for him these days.

[MamaVolpe]

Only one suggestion here. When BFing in bed can you place the baby between you and DH so he can touch the baby and feel connected to the two of you with out you feeling pawed from both sides? Maybe that may help a little.

Make it a baby sandwich.

[Marsupialmom]

Do little things that say "I love you". Sneak a love note in his breif case. It doesn't have to be fancy.

I agree with the baby sandwhich.

Take a deep breath and wait to talk about the baby when he gets home. Ask him how his day went........act intrested. (Somedays it will be hard).

Find different touch. Maybe a foot rub? You can rub each others.

Let him know how the touch is making you feel but be removed from the situation..talk to him away from the situation so he doesn't feel rejected. "Honey know you touch me because you want to feel close but I am feeling touched out. Lets find ways we can touch each other that gives you want you need and I need."

[Herausgeber]

How old is your LO?

I found the best way to head off these problems is to make caring for the baby a team effort. The suggestion about putting the baby between you is a good one, I think.

[DaytonsMom]

I had this problem too. When dh would try to touch me i would feel lke i needed to escape. But i realized the other day it;s actually gotten better. i've been trying to snuggle up to him at night, if the babys on the other side. I agree with leaving notes or telling him you've been thinking about him. I try to do it with dh, cause latley there hasn't been time for anything especially with him working nights! so i hope it gets easier for you too as time goes by.

[daddio444]

Originally Posted by BabyA'sMom

I am soo lucky to have a great, understanding DH. He has stepped up and been incredibly supportive and helpful. I didn't realize how all-consuming taking care of a newborn would be and really value his understanding.

I can tell though, how he really isn't getting the quality attention he deserves. We've always been very close physically by holding hands, snuggling on the couch, spooning while sleeping, etc... Now that I'm breastfeeding every two hours, it's hard to have that time with him. For whatever reason, I can't handle being caressed by him while I am breastfeeding. I also breastfeed in bed and don't like being touched while feeding Baby at night. It feels like I am being pawed at from all sides and there is nothing left of me.

Intimacy has been put on hold due to birth complications, and frankly I have no energy so my interest level has gone down. I can tell he is feeling alone and deprived and have acknowledged how hard it is for him these days.

This is going to be a big adjustment for your DH... and could lead to a lot of tough times down the road if you don't both keep working to keep it in the open.

All the other advise given here is great.

He's going to have to accept that his expectations for what he deems love and affection - likely revolving around sex and other intimacy - is, for all intents and purposes gone.

I'm being a little overly harsh - but from his perspective that's how it will seem.

He's going to have to suck it up and accept it though because dealing with an infant and child - especially assuming you'll be co-sleeping for the next few years, then bringing in a sibling perhaps - is going to see him pushed aside (compared to what he was probably used to) for the next several years.

Address this early - don't try to sugar coat it, but see if you can come to some understanding early on - about what you physically and emotionally can and can't do.

If you have a new infant I suspect he might not yet have bonded - it's tough when they are infants for dads to bond in my opinion... I think the fatherly instinct really comes out when they are older - 6 months on when they are more interactive... that might help then.

He's likely confused and angry in someways - not realizing that you can no longer stomach him touching you the same way he may have before - and that your breasts in particular are completely off limits to him. Maybe this will change in the coming weeks but we're going on years where my wife still largely shuns me and there's a great deal of animosity that waxes and wanes on both our parts.

If its outright intercourse that you're referring to - there's many other ways you can be intimate which I likely need not get into here. Maybe he'll want more but at least I'd say its the thought that counts.

The fact that you've expressed some concern and willingness to somehow "find the time" for him is a really good sign.

[orangefoot]

I'll be little bit more lighthearted than the pp and say that bed isn't where it all needs to happen! I'm talking about upping your care and touching during the day.

We have four children and there have been times when things have been hard for us but when I feel far away from my husband I think about how I can reconnect with him little by little. I stroke his neck when I pass him sitting at the computer, I compliment him, I lean against his back when he's washing up; All things things are incidental but still keep us in touch. the more I touch him this way the more he touches me and then neither of us feels out on our own. We flirt a lot and even our children can wink.

If you don't like him caressing you when you are feeding could he just lie right up next to you and snuggle without 'doing' anything? If he is awake when you are feeding maybe he feels a bit useless and in trying to support you and keep you company he unintentionally does the wrong thing. Be honest and tell him what you would prefer.

Its all new to both ouf you but if you talk about this now you will be able to move forward together happier.

[Artichokie]

Have you tried this?

Have him sit leaning against the headboard with his legs apart and knees up. Sit in the space between his legs and lean against his chest. Breastfeed your lo in this position. This may help you feel supported (physically and emotionally) without feeling pawed, especially if you ask him to keep his hands on his own knees (although I enjoy a neck rub).

[hibana]

Originally Posted by MoreThanApplesauce

Have you tried this?

Have him sit leaning against the headboard with his legs apart and knees up. Sit in the space between his legs and lean against his chest. Breastfeed your lo in this position. This may help you feel supported (physically and emotionally) without feeling pawed, especially if you ask him to keep his hands on his own knees (although I enjoy a neck rub).

Yes, this is a wonderful way to snuggle with a little babe and a neglected dh. For some reason it never set off my "GAHH stop touching me" reaction. We even slept like this between nursing sessions a few times.

[GaryD]

I just thought I would add my vote to having the baby in between you while sleeping. And add a suggestion that you get a carrier and discuss having him wear the baby between nursing sessions to give you a break from the constant touching, if that would help in the long run.

[dad2manydh21]

Its very nice to see the DW's figuring out ways to make DH still feel important. My DW and I have 6 and I am always chasing her. I know I drive her crazy. LOL. But to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I try to tone it down because I have seen the "Let me get the heck out of here and lock myself in a room" look.

Spending time toghether with the baby and little notes here and there helps with the lack of other things.

Good luck all of you.

[rjb_213]

Originally Posted by dad2manydh21

Its very nice to see the DW's figuring out ways to make DH still feel important. My DW and I have 6 and I am always chasing her. I know I drive her crazy. LOL. But to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I try to tone it down because I have seen the "Let me get the heck out of here and lock myself in a room" look.

Spending time toghether with the baby and little notes here and there helps with the lack of other things.

Good luck all of you.

I have to agree with this... I do the same thing and probably drive my wife crazy... but she is the prettiest woman in the world... how am I supposed to leave her alone... but alas you learn to deal with it with two little ones and one on the way. It took me some time to get used to the change... but keep talking and try and get out once a month or so just the two of you and remind him in conversation that you care about him in ways that aren't just related to helping with the home and kids...

I certainly felt like my wife wasn't attracted to me anymore... but she was just overwhelmed and didn't have time to even think about it. But by reminding me that she is still attracted to me, even though we can't always act on that physically... helped.

[Piercedboy]

As a dad, I love it when my wife puts the baby between us as she nurses. She will reach over and touch my face, and lately the babe has started reaching over and touching me as well. It is so cute and really brings us together as a family.