Visited my first M school yesterday - long but please read

[BCFD]

I am definitely convinced that my 3 yr. 3 mo. old daughter needs a Montessori preschool. I've researched everything from Waldorf to homeschooling to parent participating preschools to mommy groups to public school district affiliated play/social school. I'm a SAHM with 2 other children (ages almost 2.5 and 13 mo.) and I am looking at a 3 day per week program M/W/F for her. She is a very shy and reserved toddler when meeting new people and entering a new situation. She has a very happy disposition and friendly and plays well with others. She can also be very easily discouraged, but definitely has a "I do it" mentality most of the time. She's moderately self-reliant, and patient (for the most part). She is extremely sensitive to loud noises and overly obnoxious kids (especially active little boys - who usually mean her no harm). And she also will quietly work on something alone with no problem. Truly, she's perfect for Montessori! After my observation of my first M school yesterday, I wanted to ask a few questions in this forum. I really need some guidance and advice.

1. One little boy was being disruptive in the early morning circle time. Nothing mean, but he just couldn't sit still and stay quiet. The directress very firmly said, "Leave my circle" or "Leave the circle". It wasn't a nice tone, although I found her to be a very pleasant, down to earth, and friendly woman overall that the children appeared to really love. I'm wondering if maybe she couldn't have been a little nicer about it though. I missed the first 10 or 15 minutes of story time, so maybe she did give him multiple warnings. She kept sending him out of the circle to a nearby quiet place where he could still hear, but couldn't disrupt the circle. Every few minutes he would venture back over and she'd keep sending him out because he just couldn't be still. How would that make you feel as a parent observer? Do you think the teacher should have called another teacher over to work with him? It just made me feel uncomfortable that she was using such a tone with him, but she clearly had the situation under control. The little boy didn't seem upset by this form of discipline in the least. Maybe I just expected her to talk more with him instead of banish him. Thoughts?

2. They prefer me to not linger even on the very first day my daughter is there. She has SEVERE anxiety about me leaving (we had a horriffic experience at a preschool where we think a teacher was physically hurting her. Three months later she is STILL talking about how mean this woman was and is clearly affected by it). However, the teachers immediately engaged with her and after about 15 minutes she was fine and involved in a few different jobs while the directress and I talked. I would prefer to ease her into the school and when she becomes comfortable and trusting of the teachers I could leave. Does this seem unreasonable in a M school? Should this be a red flag? Should I be allowed to gradually get her used to it with me there or is it "normal" for M schools to have the attitude of "they'll be fine"??

I asked my DD if she liked the teachers and the school and the work she was doing while we visited and she said yes. The one thing that helps is that the wife of an ex-coworker of mine works at this school and I trust her with all my being. She is a trained M teacher who will only work in a "true" (for lack of a better word) M environment (she told me a story about one M school she worked in had Mickey Mouse toys and she was like, "I love Disney as much as the next guy, but this has got to leave this school immediately!").

Unfortunately, I don't know if she plans on being at this school long term since she is only there "subbing" as she put it and trying to help the new owner get the school back on its feet. Apparently, when the ownership changed a lot of families went elsewhere (there were also a few disgruntled employees). My friend and the directress have worked together for a very long time and she asked my friend to come on board to help out on a part time basis (the same days my child would attend). My DD felt immediately comfortable with her, btw. I trust that this is a good school if she is there based on what my friend/ex-coworker has said.

I've been reading through all the posts here trying to learn and understand the M way of life, but the most important thing is that my daughter feels comfortable because she is over the top sensitive. Is there anything I should be specifically looking for or asking the schools that I visit? I have 3 more schools to see over the next week.

Thanks so much!!

[spottiew]

when i have observed my son's class, about 2/3 of the kids are in the circle, the others are doing other things nearby quietly. i have been told if a child is having a disruptive day, they can either tag along with the teacher or there is a staff member who can spend individual time with them in another area, including taking them outside. sometimes kids interupt the circle, but it's always been addressed along the lines of 'im looking for someone who has raised their hand, im talking to jack now'. tho i wouldn't call it a red flag to just say that you need to leave circle, i could see how that might be the best thing to have happen. My kid doesn't have trouble detaching, so can't answer the 2nd part. We do have an entry room where you are spposed to say goodbye, not hte classroom, and while most don't, I bet parents could stay a few moments there for transition.

[GuildJenn]

1. I'd go back and observe some more. The teacher's response doesn't thrill me but there are so many possible factors it's hard to judge.

2. My son had a hard time separating and our school has a "please come early, do your transition work in the atrium, and then let us take it from there" policy. So I would say it's definitely a common approach. He and my husband developed a silly dropoff routine that helped. (Unfortunately it involves stopping at a coffee shop on Mondays for a banana muffin, and pretending to drop my son off at the bank night deposit slot, but that's my DH )

There were some tears, and his teacher would come and pick him up and go in the class and hold him until he felt ready to get on with his day (usually 5-10 min).

However in your case that sounds like a specific traumatic issue and I would see if the school is willing to work with you on it differently (if you think that would serve your daughter best). There is no one-way-fits-all approach I don't think.

ETA: Just reading over my post I guess what I am seeing is that if the school maintains that policy, there is nothing against building transition time in before you get there, if you like everything else about the school. But I would still ask.

[mightymoo]

I would say our teachers use much gentler redirection than that, but again, sometimes the gentler redirection doesn't work with all kids, this boy may not have responded to other methods tried before you got there. The key for me would be how the boy is responding to it. If he was upset, then it would be a huge red flag, since he seemed fine, I wouldn't be as concerned.

My M school has a similar policy on integration. They do one day that the parents come and stay with the kids, but after that the kids go alone. That doesn't red flag for me. I've heard so many times from our teachers that so often the parent staying actually prolongs the anxiety, that if they could not calm the child down right away, they woudl absolutely call the parent, and believe it or not they usually are happily playing shortly after you leave.

My DD is shy around strangers too and M school has been so good for her. I am loving that she has the same teachers because it took her so long to really really warm up to them, which is her personality, and she is learning so much. We just signed the contracts to send her there for her 3rd year (Kindergarten), and her little brother with her.

[J's Mama]

I agree with the posters who said that it's common practice to try not to prolong goodbyes/drop-offs but I also think that your DD does have a specific situation that merits attention by the staff. I think you should mention it and see if there's anything you could work out. Your daughters comfort level is the most important thing.

[wrzos]

Really common for the school (M or not) to want to cut off the transition to make a "cleaner" drop-off. At our M school, the parent is NOT to get out of the car. They unbuckle them and take them in from the drive way. The first week or so, he went for only an hour or 2 a day though - and it was only the new kids. Once the older kids started, he moved into his normal 3-3.5 hour work period.

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by wrzos

Really common for the school (M or not) to want to cut off the transition to make a "cleaner" drop-off. At our M school, the parent is NOT to get out of the car. They unbuckle them and take them in from the drive way. The first week or so, he went for only an hour or 2 a day though - and it was only the new kids. Once the older kids started, he moved into his normal 3-3.5 hour work period.

Yup, this is what our school does, or you can bring your child to the atrium, and they are brought from the classroom from there. I think the philosophy behind it is that the child feels more like they are doing the leaving rather than being left.

[BCFD]

Thanks for all your responses!! I still really liked the school, but we have decided to go with a different one. I have fallen in love with the school that I toured after this one and I think we are going to start DD in the next few weeks. The teachers all seemed much more gentle and that is really my main concern with my DD because of her horrible non-Mont preschool experience.

[LizD]

As you say yourself, they are all different. I have to say that the first I looked at, twelve years ago, seemed very sterile and dull and the teachers spoke in what seemed a cold tone. I wonder now, though, if I would feel that way- a lot of that tenderness you feel is tempered by the time your eldest child is a teen! I have a three-year-old and I can see that I am much more relaxed about a lot of things, and feel a little silly about how I viewed things sometimes.

I personally loathe the don't-get-out-of-your-car approach to drop-off, no matter the school. It seems very uncivilised. FWIW I drop my teen in a carpool lane so she can walk in, but I would resent being told I had to. I think there should at least be the option of walking your child into a vestibule!