Explaining death to a 4.5 yr old

[cpop]

My brother killed himself today and the family will all be coming here in the next few days and I have no idea what to say to my daughter. I don't know how to tell her.
We are not religious and she was pretty close to him. Saw him about once or twice a week.

[Cajunmomma]

I don't know how to help you, but I couldn't not stop to say that I'm so sorry for your loss.

[cpop]

Thank you

[Softmama]

I am so sorry. We have dealt with suicide in our family as well
Has your child had any experience with death at all? Pet? anything? we used a book, can't remember the name of it, about a dog named daisy who goes to heaven.
you are not religious- does that mean you don't believe in heaven?
If not- then maybe try telling her that her uncle has died, that means he is done living here on earth, it is so sad, but she will not get to see him again. and then just let her cry. and then, if it follows your beliefs, explain how you will always remember him, he will stay in your heart, and you will do things to honor his memory.
I hope that helps a little.
Again, I am so sorry.

[WuWei]

I am so sorry for your shocking loss.

Maybe something like 'Your uncle had a serious illness which he didn't get help for and he died.' Maybe mention that doctors can help with that disease, so she knows from an early age that treatment is available. If she asks 'How did he die?'. I might say 'he hurt himself and he was too hurt to live'. I don't believe I would go into the "how" details. If she is in school, she may have heard of suicide and want information about that. I'd just say something like 'I'm glad to answer your questions', rather than saying "I don't think you are ready". That could add too many ominous overtones and increase her interest in details which she wouldn't be seeking otherwise. Do you follow? My reaction of calm or fear will influence ds's intensity of curiosity, ime.

You might ask in Personal Growth or Spirituality, with a 'trigger warning' on the subject since this is a hard subject to be inadvertently triggered about their own past experiences. I hope that you will feel welcome to post and seek the experience of folks who can help.

Here is an old post of mine discussing death with our son, around the same age. I told him 'Our body dies, but we have a spirit of energy that stays with the people we love. So our spirit doesn't die, just our body.' I said 'Remember the Circle of Life? When things die, their body returns to the earth and nourishes the plants and trees, and becomes flowers and air and sun and helps everything that is living. So, the body nourishes everything when it dies. And the spirit is always with the people who loved us. We are always together, even after our body dies. Life is a gift. We live in our body and have lots of fun experiences and then our body dies and nourishes everything and becomes everything. And our spirit is energy and continues in everyone we have ever met and loved.' http://www.mothering.com/discussions...postcount=1051

I'd focus on the joy of living and the fun times. Certainly, acknowledging missing him and remembering the silly stories and funny memories. Could you find a few favorites of your own to share with her?


Pat

[lightheart]

hugs hugs hugs....

we haven't experienced a person dying other than my mom but our sons were so much younger in age so explaining things were a whole lot easier, they knew things were different but didn't ask questions, the one was only an infant and the other was just learning to talk.

we have had animails die and with them we have said they were gone, that they had died and that their bodies did not work anymore, just like when something gets broken that cannot be fixed. we used the anology of recycling/composting when we buried them, that they would evntually become soil and help make the plants grow.

the boys have a special picture of granny in their room, that happened because they recently stared asking why they did not have a grandmother and where was she? I try and explain things the same way, that she is gone and that she died.

We are not religious either.

[MaterBum]

I am so sorry for this loss in your family.

I hope this doesn't sound like a crazy suggestion, but there is the video series of Harold and the Purple Crayon, narrated by Sharon Stone. There is an episode about his goldfish, Goldie, dying. What I like about it is that it is not a religious explanation or comfort, but rather a cycle of life explanation. It all touches on how kids might feel they did something to cause the death...like be mean to the one they loved, etc. and it explains how that had nothing to do with the death. Finally, it talks about how Goldie's memory will always be in his heart.

This video really helped us explain the concept of death in a gentle way to our kiddos. I hope you all find some peace and healing in this difficult time.

[cpop]

thank you all for your replies. i just didn't know what to say or who to ask.

[katsam]

I love the book "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf". It explains death in metaphors. I've used it with young children to help explain death. I think books are wonderful resources. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Viola]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[beanma]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother and your dd's uncle. I don't think it's necessary to talk too much about him taking his own life. If she asks "how" or "why" you can tell her w/o going into too many details. You don't mention what happened, but I could see telling one of my kids that somebody took too many pills for example. There are many wonderful books on helping kids deal with death. I compiled a list from previous threads. Several of them are grandparent books or pet books, but there are others there as well and those can also be helpful. Most libraries have quite a few of these. Do you have a friend who might could check a few out for you if you don't have time to go before your family comes? Btw, the first one, "Always and Forever" is not religious at all and deals with an animal housemate situation I guess (they aren't the same species).



Always and forever / written by Alan Durant ; illustrated by Debi Gliori

The tenth good thing about Barney

The two of them / written and illustrated by Aliki

The fall of Freddie the leaf : a story of life for all ages / Leo Buscaglia

Badger's parting gifts / Susan Varley

The Kids' book about death and dying / by and for kids ; the Unit at Fayerweather Street School ; edited and coordinated by Eric E. Rofes

I'll always love you / by Hans Wilhelm (dog)

Grandpa's slide show / Deborah Gould ; illustrated by Cheryl Harness

Eleanor, Arthur, and Claire / written and illustrated by Diana Engel

Ada's pal / story by George Ella Lyon ; pictures by Marguerite Casparian (dog)

When dinosaurs die : a guide to understanding death / Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Where is Grandpa? / T.A. Barron ; illustrated by Chris K. Soentpiet

Grandad's prayers of the earth / Douglas Wood ; illustrated by P.J. Lynch

The grandad tree / Trish Cooke ; illustrated by Sharon Wilson

Thank you, grandpa / by Lynn Plourde ; illustrated by Jason Cockcroft

Where do people go when they die? / Mindy Avra Portnoy ; illustrations by Shelly O. Haas

Kaddish for Grandpa in Jesus' name, amen / James Howe ; [illustrated by] Catherine Stock

I found a dead bird : the kids' guide to the cycle of life & death / Jan Thornhill

And what comes after a thousand? / Anette Bley

[~Boudicca~]

My brother-in-law was killed last fall, and I found myself in the same boat. We are not particularly religious either although I do lean to the Pagan side of things a bit. We were as candid as possible without the gory details of what happened to Uncle John. DD1 was 3.75 at the time at the very least understood what death was and that he wasn't coming back. We tried to explain to her that his body was hurt really bad and he couldn't live in it anymore. She asked me if he became a ghost and we said yeah, kind of. She went with us to the wake and the only time she acted really perplexed was when she saw his urn (he was cremated) so we tried to skirt that explanation a little bit. I told her that he would be there to visit her in her dreams and we could always talk about him and that someday we wouldn't feel so sad.

The kid has handled it pretty well so far and as she gets older she wants more answers and we try to be as honest as possible when she talks about him. We have even talked about what cremation is (because how he got in that little box is a question that wasn't going away for her).

I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be so hard for you.

[annethcz]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My MIL (my kids' grandma) passed away this week. In our case, MIL had been sick for quite awhile and the kids knew that she was going to die.

I had a big talk prepared about death, what it means, and that it's okay to feel sad/mad/not sad/whatever you're feeling. In the end, my kids didn't want to talk about it. They understood, and were ready to go on with their lives. My youngest child, who is 4, has been the most vocal about it. Most days she'll make some sort of comment about the fact that her grandma died. But she's not terribly upset about it.

I think that making yourself available to your child, and answering questions in an age-appropriate, yet honest manner is best. I've found that kids deal with grief differently than adults, and I just need to meet them where they are instead of assuming or expecting them to act a certain way.

[cpop]

Thank you all for your kind suggestions.
I told her and for the first 24 hours she didn't mention it. But since then she has been quite upset.
My brother was schizophrenic so I told her that he was sick, that there was something wrong with his brain and he tried to be brave but in the end he was just too sick. She asked if that would happen to her and I reassured her that it wouldn't. She asked me why it happened. How it happened. What do we do now. All the same things that we are all thinking. She asked me how it feels to die.
It is so difficult. I don't know how to help her. I am trying to be there for her but there is so much going on with family and all that it is hard to be always with her. She wanted to go to school today so she went. It might give her a break from all the grief in the house. I told her teacher and said if she seems like she needs to go home to call us to get her.
Yesterday my husband found her crying alone in her bedroom and she said, "this is the saddest thing that ever happened to us".
My sweet little girl.
Thank you all. Unfortunately I can't get those books because we are in Serbia. But we will keep talking as she seems to want to talk.

[beanma]

I'm so sorry Cpop. I didn't realize you were in Serbia. Here are some online resources that might help.

http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseac...864EDAF1F49DC4
(short article for parents on how to help kids deal with a suicide)

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/loss/children.html
(links to webpages with info on helping kids grieve)

http://www.suicidemonumentgardens.com/waterbug.html
(waterbug and dragonfly story)

http://iul.com/raindrop/
(the raindrop story)

http://www.thegiftofkeith.org/
(website and kids' book, "My Uncle Keith Died" about suicide)

http://kidsaid.com/
(kids' grief website)

http://fernside.org/resources/families/
(organization for helping kids deal with death)

http://www.dougy.org/
(another organization for helping kids deal with death)

You might also post in the Grief and Loss forum. The MDC mamas who've been there may have more advice for you. The two stories are short and may help. The raindrop one is a rather simply drawn cartoon, but with a good not really religious message.

[Penelope]

I'm so sorry for your loss.